"привет! How's my grandson? I am sending this message to invite you to visit us for a few days. I heard you are in Sweden for a while! I know it seems impossible for an American Citizen to enter Russia, but since you are a celebrity and you have a proven and legit passport, they'll let you in if you have family here, which you do! I think about you and your siblings often, and I know you're going through an unimaginable pain right now. I hope you find this message well, and we all want to see you again. Love, babushka Irina." The message said. It was from my moms mom. So, my grandma that I've only met once. I replied.
"Hej! I am certainly in Sweden, I would absolutely love to see you guys! How much room do you have? My brother is just in Germany! He's kinda my life line right now, and I think it would be great if we could both come!" I replied.
"Nabi is there too? Of course! I didn't know he was there or I would've asked him sooner! Whatever date works for you guys, I'd love you two to come, and bring your baby!" She messaged back. We set up a date and time, we are leaving for Russia in about 3 months. I'm a multimillionaire so I don't have to worry about money, but I do give a lot of it to Jared's family, my family, and especially my grandma here in Sweden just to pay for rent and all the other things I'm using from her. I don't spoil myself, and I don't buy the most expensive things at the most expensive stores. I mean, I still go shopping at Walmart. Although there's no Walmarts in Sweden, we have ICA, Axfood, and Coop! Which is like a Walmart.
Anyways. I don't flaunt my money. None of us do. Not even Elle, surprisingly. I remember when Jared and I had the biggest fight over some tiny thing. And it was my fault, admittedly.
"Hey babe, can you please unload the dishwasher before I get home? And take out the trash? I'm gonna wash dishes and then start on dinner. Take the steak out too so it can thaw!" He asked me. I was in my music room trying to perfect my rift on my guitar for an upcoming song I was making.
"Sure." I replied as I continued on my guitar. And when he got home that night...I didn't do anything he asked. It was bitchy of me and I deserved what I got. He came home and realized none of it was done, he put his stuff down and instantly marched up stairs and unplugged my amp.
"What the hell!?" I exclaimed.
"You didn't do ANYTHING I asked you to!" He yelled. Jared doesn't yell often, he's usually condescending with a calm voice which always works, but yelling means he genuinely upset.
"I'm trying to learn this riff! You didn't have to unplug my fucking amp! Time just flew by." I said back as I went to plug the amp back in, but he put his foot on the cord and crossed his arms as he glared at me.
"Get your damn foot off of the cord." I said.
"Do you know how stressful it is when you ask for your grown adult HUSBAND to do three little things before I got home so I can make dinner for OUR FAMILY, when you come home and nothing was done?" He asked as he yelled a bit.
"Stop yelling! I was going to do it, I just got distracted!" I said, sort of yelling back, "I'm working too, you know! I make the most fucking money, and I pay more bills than you do! You don't get to boss me around in my damn house!" I yelled. I instantly regretted what I said once the anger in his face worsened.
"You know what? You're completely right! You do make more money! But that's because I have to cut back my fucking hours to take care of OUR kids while you're gone exploring the damn world for MONTHS at a damn time. And then when you finally come home, I get to get my hours back and then I come home to 3 fucking kids except for 2! You don't do anything around this damn house, nothing! I clean, I cook, I babysit, I go grocery shopping, while you sit here all day in this damn room or you go to your studio to be with your band again! Our kids are weird around you, have you noticed that? Jun is different around you and so is Elle, and it's because you're barely here! I asked you to do three fucking things, Karma! Three small things that I have been doing since I was 5! I married a man, not a fucking baby!" He yelled at me, and then he grabbed the cord to the amp and pulled it out of the amp, breaking it. Then he left the room and slammed the door. I stayed in the room for a bit longer and just thought about what I was going to say. I mean, he was completely right. About everything. I went down stairs after a bit and he had the steak in the microwave, thawing it. And he had been putting the dishes away as the trash was already taken out. He couldn't even look at me. He finished dinner and slammed the plate in front of me and went to eat in his office. Jun and Elle came down to ask what all the yelling was about as they got some dinner too, and I just said it was nothing. Jared didn't speak to me for the rest of the night. He even went to sleep in his office instead of with me.
The next day, we had reservations at a dinner with our family. Elle and Jun is at Brooke's house, so luckily they didn't have to hear this. The next day, Jared and I fought again. I did call him some names, and I sort of cornered him on accident. And since he couldn't get passed me, and he was also really scared of me at the moment, he slapped me in the face. But I slapped him back.
"You don't get to fucking hit me like that!" I yelled. All he did was just slap me again, I did it back and that's when tears started pouring out of him as he started hitting my face and chest, and then I pushed him off of me. He stopped crying and looked at me.
"I want a divorce. It's obvious we don't get along anymore." He quietly said as he pushed through me. That was the second time he's ever hit me before, so don't think of this as abuse or something.
My heart dropped once I heard that word. Divorce? That's the first time he had mentioned that. After a few hours, we got ready in separate rooms and we got into the car. The ride was silent, and we still hadn't spoken. The divorce scared the fuck out of me, and it hurt my stomach just from thinking about it. We pulled up to the restaurant, and we walked in as my dad showed up.
"We have a reservation under Adam." Jared said as I stayed quiet. My dad followed us in and we all went to the table that Jared's parents and siblings were at. Jared announced that he wanted to sit by his mom, so now we were on opposite sides of the table. Dinner was alright other than me dying on the inside, so I ordered maybe... too many margaritas. After about 20 minutes, and our food came, my head was on the table and I was visibly sad.
"Hey, are you alright?" My dad whispered to me. I get really emotional when I'm drunk, and I didn't respond to him. After a few minutes, I sat back up and I whispered to my dad that I wanted to sit next to Jared. I got up, still a little wobbly, and I walked over to Jared and sat next to him. He didn't even look at me, he just looked pissed. So I hugged him.
"Hm?" He quietly said, surprised.
"I love you so much. I'm sorry for being such an asshole to you. Please don't divorce me. I wouldn't be able to handle that. I love you way too much." I whispered as my head was in his chest.
"I'm sorry." He whispered back as he hugged me and rubbed my back.
"I'm so sorry I'm like this. I should've listened to you. I should've done what you asked." I whimpered as I hugged him tighter.
"I love you." Jared told me, and then he kissed my head. We were really quiet. We finally stopped hugging me but he still had his arm around me.
"Is he okay?" Jareds mom quietly asked him.
"He just gets emotional when he's drunk. He may have had one too many margaritas. Plus, they were 40%." He said. She frowned and just laid her head on Jared. After dinner, we went back to the car. We drove to an abandoned parking lot, and we just talked. We talked about everything. We even got out and got into the back seats so we could cuddle while talking.
"Karma, I'm sorry for using that word. I could never divorce you. I was just sad, angry, and pissed off." Jared told me as he cuddled me close. I had started to cry as he comforted me.
"I'm sorry for being this way. I never take you into consideration, which is a dick move. I'm sorry for everything I did to you. I'm a shitty lover." I cried as I hugged him tighter.
"You're absolutely not! You are the best boy I could've ever fallen for. I love you more than anything, you could never mess up in my head. Yes, you don't listen to me sometimes, and it can be stressful, but it never means I don't love you." He explained as he kissed my face. That's when he started wiping my tears away and he kissed me, deeply. My sad drunk ass tried to make out with him but he just laughed and said we shouldn't since I'm probably not gonna remember all of this. Then he pulled out his phone and took a picture of us. One of us kissing, another one of us genuinely smiling, and so on. When we got home, we both instantly got to bed. But apparently I got really horny and I started to beg for some action.
"Nope, you're drunk. I ain't doing shit with you other than cuddling." Jared explained as he wrapped his arms around me, kissing my neck. But I kept asking for sex. At some point he shut me up by saying if I'm feeling better in the morning, he will have sex with me. But I passed out before he could finish that sentence. I was in his arms the whole time that night and we didn't let go. But in the morning when I woke up, I didn't remember almost anything from last night. I shook him awake, still confused.
"Jared, what happened? Why are we cuddling?" I asked.
"Mmm, you had one too many margaritas and you apologized to me and we made up." He replied as he hugged me tighter.
"Really? You're not mad anymore?" I asked.
"No. Of course not. You may have been drunk but you're really honest when you're drunk. We had some deep conversations in the back of our car in a parking lot." He told me as he kissed me.
"I love you. I'm sorry I'm like this." I told him. He pulled me closer to him and cuddled me even more.
"You also begged me for sex last night. But I refused and told you only if you feel better in the morning." He told me.
"Well, I feel better." I smirked. That's when he giggled and he made me face the other way as he spooned me. He pulled my pants down, along with his, and he fucked me in bed like that. It was great. God, I miss him.
Me and my aunt traveled to Stockholm today. We had Rowan with us as well, since at this point I'm so attached, I can't even go a day without her. We met up with her work friends, some of them were fans of me. They were obviously professional about it, and we all got one big picture together. We had some drinks and we got some food. We went back to her friends house and I met her brother, who knew who I was but didn't listen to my music much. His name is Pelle, we actually became great friends.
"So, what brings your American ass to Sweden?" Pelle asked me.
"Uh, I needed a huge break from everything. My grandparents gladly let me stay in Gothenburg with them." I replied. Also, I am hella drunk again. My aunt is watching Rowan though, so don't worry!
"Break from what! Your piles of money?" Pelle joked.
"No, you asshole. There's more to my life then my fame." I replied as I laid back on the couch.
"You jerk! Don't call me that!" He laughed, "come on, what is it? What happened!"
"My husband fucking died! That's what happened!" I said....very loudly, "ugh, sorry. Didn't mean to yell. I just hate talking about it." I said quietly.
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't know. You were married? Tell me about that, maybe?" Pelle asked, "tell me about your husband."
"He was everything to me. Him and I met when we were 8. We both had massive crushes on each other but didn't know it. A week after his 15th birthday, he got kidnapped by a family friend of ours. He was raped, tortured, abused, and starved. He was found a month later and the second I saw him again, he admitted his feelings for me and I did the same. We dated ever since until we were 19. That's when I asked him to marry me. We came here before our wedding so he could meet my family, and we just counted that as a honey moon. We married when I was 20 and he was 19, and we've been married ever since. Until...5 months ago. He had been dying in the hospital for the passed year and a half. He was only 27. He had so much to live for. He died in my arms, my husband died in my fucking arms as I couldn't do anything to help him. He was in so much pain, he was tired, and he was struggling to breath while all anyone could do was watch him suffer." I explained. I had started crying as Pelle patted my back.
"I miss him so much. I miss him so fucking much. My heart still aches everyday, and I can't sleep at night unless I'm drunk out of my mind. I locked myself in our room and didn't come out until the funeral. And then I did it again. Until I attempted suicide. My dad then forced me to come here, and I left my other two kids behind while...I took my baby." I explained.
"I'm so sorry. He seemed like he was special." Pelle said.
"He really was. He was my best friend. My soulmate. My heart. It feels like my whole body is ripped out. I'm so empty and exhausted. I feel like everything is meaningless." I kept crying.
"What did he do for work?" He asked.
"He was a detective. He was one of their best. He's found missing kids, murderers, and so much more." I explained. I didn't even realize I was leaning on Pelle. I was crying, drunk, my head hurt, and I was a mess. Spilling all of my trauma onto this guy I just met. My aunt and her friend were in her friends room with Rowan.
I was really drunk. Him and I went into his room and screamed our heads off jamming out on his electric guitar as his sister screamed at us to not be loud. And then I blacked out, and woke up with us in the same bed. I freaked out.
"P-Pelle? What happened? I don't remember anything." I asked as he was up playing video games.
"Well, you ranted about your late husband, we came up here and rocked out on my guitar, and then you passed out on my bed so I slept on my futon until a little bit ago and then I started playing this." He explained. Thank god nothing happened. I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to do anything with anyone.
"Where's Rowan?" I asked.
"Your kid?" Pelle asked.
"Yeah." I replied.
"She's still with Irene. They're both awake, you've been out for hours. It's almost the afternoon." He laughed. Irene is my aunt by the way. So I went down stairs and I stole Rowan from my aunt and just held her. I started to go though my photos and I showed her pictures of Jared.
"That's your daddy." I told her. I had began to tear up as I looked at the photo. I then swiped and it was a photo of Jared in a wheelchair, holding Rowan. Rowan put her tiny little hands on my phone screen.
"Dada!" Rowan babbled.
"I- she just said dada!" I announced.
"What! She called you that? Was that her first word!?" My aunt asked.
"No, not me, she called Jared that! I was showing her pictures of him and she said it as she pointed at him!" I replied.
"Really! She really remembers him?" My aunt replied.
"I guess so." I replied as I hugged Rowan. She kept babbling and laughing. She's so sweet. I kissed her forehead and I put my phone down. She kept babbling and I would talk back. She's so damn cute. And then, Pelle came down. We started talking about me and Jared again. I found out Pelle is a journalist and he loves writing about investigations.
"I wanna know more about your husbands work! Did he have to travel at all?" He asked.
"He got to travel only about...2 times. He was working with the Japanese police about this multi killer, and so he flew there for about 2 weeks to help get them somewhere, and they ended up finding the guy. The other time was when Itaewon happened." I explained.
"Itaewon!? He was included in that?" He asked.
"Yeah. He was interviewing witnesses and their families." I replied. Itaewon was that South Korea incident where over 150 people got crushed and killed in a crowd of people. That's when I got an Email, which was from Nagoya, Japan. It was Rowan birth certificate with her Japanese name. Although Rowan can be a Japanese name, her actual Japanese name is Kayako. Jared chose that. Junji is already a Japanese name, so we didn't have to do one for him. If you don't get it by now, Jared has a thing for scary shit. Junji is named after Junji Ito, and Rowan is named after Ju-On. In other words, the Grudge. The ghosts name is Kayako!
"Oh, Rowan's certificate came in." I announced.
"Hm?" My aunt asked.
"Her one in Japan. Jared gave her an official Japan name, which is Kayako. He had one too, it was Jiro. They use those when they go to Japan." I explained.
"Kayako? Like the grudge!" Pelle asked.
"Yup! Jared had a thing for creepy names. Our sons name is literally Junji! Named after Junji Ito, whose a horror manga artist. And writer." I explained.
"So they're names in Japan are just....like Junji and Kayako Mistirior?" My aunt asked.
"Actually no, they have Jareds moms maiden name. So it would be Kayako Miyamura." I replied. I started to kiss Rowan's face and I started to call her Kayako as she smiled and laughed. I love her so much. But god, I miss Elle and Jun. i actually have a plan, I'm going to come home 2 months early, so I can be there for Jared's 1 year since death....