'I will admit it,' Tetsuya says as we keep walking the streets and notice the sky will soon become dusky. 'It took up a lot of time to find the right manga books. I take full responsibility for that.'
'We went to four different stores!' Tomoko says, rolling his eyes. Still I can see it doesn't really bother him. The only one who really is annoyed, is Niragi. 'Well,' Tetsuya replies, 'I can't help it that volume six was missing in those stores!'
'Just skip it, then,' Niragi replies annoyed. 'Skip it?! No way! You can't ask that of me! It's getting really intense, with this big fight between two important gangs.' Niragi emits something that resembles an angry sigh. 'I don't fucking care,' he says, cutting his friend of. 'It's getting dusky soon. We need to leave now. It already will be dark when we get back at the Beach.'
'Get back?' Tetsuya says, shrugging. 'Nobody said anything about getting back. We have approval to stay away for up to three days to go searching for them.'
'Do you hear yourself?!' Niragi replies angrily. 'To go searching for them! The whole day we have done nothing but acting childish!'
'Relax, Suguru, we–'
'Relax?!' Niragi is really getting angry. I don't like seeing him fight with a friend. 'The more we roam about, the further they get away!'
'Do you want to find them?' Tetsuya asks incredulously. 'Wasn't that the whole point of leaving?' Niragi counters. 'Well, no,' Tetsuya replies. 'I didn't start this to really find them. You knew that already when we left, didn't you?'
'So you put us all in danger for this delusion of freedom you can enjoy for five seconds?'
'Niragi, please...' I start, putting my hand on his arm. 'Please don't fight. We secretly all wanted to be away for a while.'
'What do you think happens when we get back to the Beach without them? Without completing our mission?'
'Well, you're in command now, aren't you?' Ari mumbles. 'Who says we will be for long?' Niragi replies. 'We took the power by seizing it. Aguni can choose any person and give them a gun to be on his side. He can just as easily demote us and then we'll all be in danger. Look at Hitomo.'
'He can,' I agree with him, 'and he doesn't even need a reason for that. Who is to say he won't take away your privilege, even if we would find them? Nothing's for sure, but I think he still needs you. He can trust Tetsuya and you more than others, since you've been with him from the start.' My words calm Niragi down a bit. 'I'm just...' He shakes his head. 'I think we're all a bit cranky,' I continue. 'We've been busy all day and all we have eaten is snacks. Let's settle for the night and make some warm food.'
'Who wants to get back to the Beach?' Tomoko asks after a silence. No one puts his hand up, not even Niragi. 'Let's just find a house we can stay in for the night,' he mumbles, sighing. Guess he's also not eager to walk all the way back to the Beach again. If we could have taken a car we probably would've gone back. I'm glad we didn't take a car. 'We can...' Tomoko mumbles. 'I mean...' When he looks at me, I immediately understand him. 'It's still an hour by foot, but I know a pretty comfortable house.'
I don't like being in silence the whole time, but Tetsuya seems to have lost his appetite to talk or make jokes. I can't read anything from his face. All the way home I try to think of something that he might be needing right now, but the closer we get, the more distracted I get.
'Have you been back there?' Tomoko suddenly asks as he starts walking next to me. 'Since you're here, I mean.' I start recognising the streets really well now. 'I have,' I reply. I know he hasn't; the place looked the same. Dusty and all, but the same. I could tell no one has been there in this world, except for when I was. I hope it's still the same. 'What did it feel like?' my stepbrother asks me. I could already hear it in his voice, but when I look at him I can clearly see the hope in his eyes. I feel bad for crushing that hope, yet I want to be honest with him. 'Empty,' is my reply, and so become his eyes for a second. 'It won't be like that when we get back,' he says, putting his hand on my arm for a moment. I hope he's right.
'This wasn't how I imagined bringing you home for the first time,' Tomoko mumbles to Ari when we're finally there, 'but...' He gestures to our house. 'Welcome.'
'This is your house?' Tetsuya asks, impressed. Niragi also looks that way.
'You imagined bringing me to your house?' Ari asks, making Tomoko look away shyly. 'Well...' he mumbles. 'I did.' I can feel the corners of my mouth pulling slightly upwards. 'I also thought about how my dad would react, but I couldn't imagine it.' I think about Ryozu and his capability to love me, the daughter of his new wife. 'I know he'd be happy that you found someone who cares about you,' I say. 'You know that's true.' When Tomoko nods and looks at me hopefully, I feel my stomach tightening. I just miss my family so much. Not just my own dad, but also my mother and Ryozu. I hate only finding out here that I do care about him, as well as about Tomoko.
'Let's make some ramen,' my stepbrother says as he enters the house. After a quick inspection I'm relieved to see that nobody stole anything from this place. I walk to the drawer in my room and take out the picture on which all four of us stand. My mother has her usual smile, Tomoko and I look awkward and Ryozu... He looks very happy to be standing in one frame with all of us. It's clear he has tried to connect with me from the start, but I wasn't ready to open up to him yet. I almost feel tears crawling up when I look at the picture, so I store it back in the drawer again.
I look up as I hear some knocking on the door. 'Hey,' Niragi says, 'I'm... I'm not sure if this is a good moment, but I wanted to apologize for getting angry. I know you all need this, but... I can't help but feeling stressed about the outcome.' I walk up to him and sigh. 'I know, and I get that, too. I'm not mad, but maybe you should apologize to Tetsuya. He only means well.'
'I know,' Niragi replies, also sighing. 'It's just one big mess. Are we ever going to go home?' When I look at him, I can't see hope. 'Yes,' I tell him. 'Yes, we are. We will go home and I will take you to my house for real. Don't you dare disappear on me again.' He curls the corners of his mouth slightly upwards. 'I won't,' he says. I wrap my arms around him. His warmth makes me feel better. 'So, you're going to take me to your house,' he says. 'I am,' I reply, leaning backwards to look at him. 'And what are you going to do with me when I'm there?' he asks, grinning at me. 'I'm not sure yet,' I reply, grinning back at him, 'but certainly something on this bed right here.'
I love looking into his eyes and seeing the warmth lying in there. 'That sounds nice,' he says, bringing his face closer to mine. When he gives me a kiss, I can't help but feel warm and giggly. 'I can't wait,' he adds, taking my hand, 'but first... We have to make dinner.' I roll my eyes and sigh. 'I know.' We move ourselves to the kitchen, where the others are.
'You have a nice home,' Tetsuya says. There's no judgment in his voice, no detection of him thinking we're privileged. I know we are though. 'And a large kitchen,' Tetsuya continues. 'I can't even begin to imagine the fine meals and cakes you would be making with it.' I avert my eyes to the ground as I take in his words. 'I'm sorry,' he mumbles, 'I didn't realise it could be a sensitive subject.'
'No, it's okay,' I quickly tell him. 'It's just... Ryozu worked so hard every day and most days he even cooked when he got back from a long shift. He baked my favourite cake on every birthday, and I said "thank you", but I wouldn't let myself grow closer to him. I regret not realising sooner that I do want him in my life...' Niragi takes my hand and squeezes it gently. 'He knows how hard it is for you,' Tomoko says, taking my other hand. 'He never stopped trying, which means he won't give up on you. I'm sure he wants you to know that whenever you're ready, he's there for you.' I try to smile at my stepbrother, but thinking about this all makes my heart ache. So I try to swallow the lump in my throat and try to blink the tears away. 'We were making ramen,' I mumble.
'Well, we're just heating it,' Ari says, smiling slightly, 'since it's already been made.' Tomoko smiles and joins him, leaning on his shoulder slightly. 'I'm glad you know how to handle those things,' he says, nodding at the gas cylinder. I remember Ari making our meals when it was just us. 'You learned that through camping, right?' I'm afraid my comment will make him sad, as it's a reminder of when things were still good between him and his parents, but luckily that isn't the case. 'Yeah,' he replies, smiling, 'I loved everything about camping.'
'Even those icky insects in your tent?' Tetsuya asks with a dirty look on his face. 'Well, those not so much,' Ari replies, laughing, 'but lying on the thin mat when it was raining, hearing the sounds of the raindrops hitting your tent... It was really magical.'
'I'd like to go camping with you sometime,' Tomoko says, looking at his loved one with the sweetest look in his eyes, 'when we're back in the real world.' It should've been a sweet moment, yet Ari and I ruin it by laughing. We can't help it, but when we look at each other it only gets worse. 'Yeah, right,' I say through my laughter, 'and a limousine is ought to take you there, huh?' Ari almost can't stop laughing. 'Imagine the look on his face when he has to take his own toilet paper to the bathroom everyone has to share!' I'm having difficulty breathing because of the laughter.
'Alright, go ahead and laugh,' Tomoko says annoyed, 'guess I deserved it for how I've been acting all this time.'
'I'm sorry,' I say, trying to act neutral again. 'You're probably right,' Tomoko says. 'I probably wouldn't last two days, but... Well...' He looks at the ground, suddenly shy. 'It's just... I know Ari loves it, and I'd love to see him happy. I just wanted to share that experience with him.'
'Oh my god, you're so sweet!' I exclaim. I didn't know he could be this thoughtful. I'm not the only one with a hopeful heart. Ari takes my stepbrother's hand and squeezes it gently. 'Thank you,' he says with a sweet smile, 'you're so sweet.' Still a bit embarrassed Tomoko lets Ari hug him, but when he hugs him back it all vanishes and takes place for love. I can't do anything other than to smile at them.
'Uh, guess we have to put in the ramen,' Ari says, suddenly aware of us again. When they break their contact, they still smile at each other.
'I don't want to ruin the good mood again,' Niragi mumbles as Ari starts preparing the ramen and there's a silence, 'but I wanted to apologize for my behaviour earlier. I'm just so stressed about, well, everything, and I was just so afraid of putting you in danger.'
'It's okay,' Ari and Tomoko say immediately. He already knows I'm good, so Niragi just looks at his friend. 'Yeah, I know,' Tetsuya replies. That's not the answer Niragi was hoping for. 'I'm really sorry,' he repeats himself. 'Whatever,' Tetsuya says, rolling his eyes, giving his friend a gentle punch on the shoulder. 'Just never talk so lightly about skipping a whole volume of manga again. The next time I won't be so forgivable.' Niragi smiles at him slightly. 'Alright, I'm sorry.'
When our dinner is ready, we take place on the kitchen table and start eating. The candles we have lit make it feel really cozy. Suddenly Tomoko starts laughing a little. 'Remember when we had that contest about who could eat the spiciest noodles?' he asks, looking at Ari. 'Oh, yeah,' he replies, suddenly remembering it. 'Your friends acted all tough, but they couldn't get further than two bites.'
'And you ate the whole thing!' Tomoko says, laughing. 'I'd give anything to see the look on their faces again. You absolutely crushed them.' At first Ari starts grinning, before they share another loving look. I feel my heart beating happily by the sight of it. 'Ramen really brings people together,' Niragi says, looking at me with a slight smile. 'Oh, yeah, that's true!' I say, laughing. 'The hours we have spent in the art room, working on our projects...' Where we met each other and got to know each other better. 'One time you snuck in some ramen from the canteen, because we completely forgot to eat.'
'I didn't have the balls to ask you if you wanted to go have some with me some time, so I took the easy way.'
'But you did have the balls to ask me to watch that movie for the project together,' I reply. 'Yeah, and that went so well,' Niragi says, laughing embarrassed. I think about the time he thought I wouldn't want to go watch a movie with him. I'm glad that he doesn't seem to think that way anymore. When I look into his eyes, he gives me the sweetest look with warm, glowing eyes. I think about us having dinner together in the real world. I would so love that.
I'm clearly not the only one enjoying this peaceful evening. 'Why don't we just stay away for a while longer?' Ari mumbles hopeful. 'We have a few days on our visa left.'
'I'd love to stay here with you,' Tomoko agrees. 'With you all, I mean,' he adds quickly, but Ari already got the memo. He looks at my stepbrother with a wide grin. 'The only thing I'd miss is to flush the toilet and shower,' Niragi mumbles, 'but otherwise...' When he looks at me, he seems to realize it's safer out here than back there. The real threats were on the Beach. We only know realize how exhausting it was to constantly stay sharp in case of some attack or retaliation. Here we can just be and enjoy each other's company.
We all look up when Tetsuya slides his chair back. One look at his bowl and I can see he's already done eating. 'We have some more,' I say as I look into the pan. 'No, thanks, I'm done,' he says. He sounded polite, yet I can feel something's off. I realize we haven't really started a conversation which he could join. 'If I were a game designer,' I say, 'maybe I would create a Russian roulette kind of game, but with spicy ramen instead.'
'I'd love that game!' Ari agrees. Tetsuya doesn't really know what to do; stay or leave. Niragi feels really bad about their fight earlier. Although he never really wants to talk about the philosophy of the things here, he still says: 'We still need one card, the ten of hearts. Do you think we get to play the face cards after we've cleared that one?' It was a question for everyone, yet we all seem to sense it was an attempt to include Tetsuya in our conversations. 'Don't know,' he replies, standing up from his chair and sliding it back in place. 'I'm going to continue reading manga. Good night.' I watch as he leaves.
'Shit,' Ari mumbles, 'it was really insensitive to only talk about ourselves.' Is Tetsuya mad because of that? It could be, but in the past it never annoyed him. Maybe there's something else going on. 'I know he said "good night" in a final way,' I mumble as I slide back my chair, 'but I'm going to go check on him.' Niragi places his hand on my arm for a second and nods at me.
I quietly go looking for Tetsuya and see that the front door is still open. At first I'm afraid he left, but when I'm standing in the door opening I can see him sitting on the broad stairs close to the garage. He has a book in his hands, which he throws down the stairs roughly with a frustrated sigh. He places his elbows on his knees and takes his head in his hands. My heart breaks at the very sight of his despair. I'm not sure if he wants my company. He can say so if he doesn't, but I don't want to leave him just like that.
I know he notices when I slowly approach him and sit next to him on the stairs. His shallow and quick breaths start turning into somewhat more steady when I place my hand on his shoulder. 'I'm sorry we were only talking about ourselves,' I mumble quietly. He doesn't immediately respond. 'It's not that,' he says. His voice sounds tired and sad. 'I love hearing about all of your good memories in the real world.' I know he meant it. 'It's just... It's getting more and more difficult to... You have... And I don't...' He stops talking when he's having difficulty breathing again.
I think about our game in the zoo, where we were talking about how we were at that time. He said he was fine, but he's missing his boyfriend more and more every day. My god, of course. How insensitive of me to not think about his feelings just now.
'I'm sorry,' I say sadly, 'I know it's hard for you to miss Daiki as it is... And to hear us talking to each other like that about our happy memories together...'
'It's just...' I can hear Tetsuya's voice tremble. His face seems broken in the moonlight. 'I absolutely love that you have each other, both Ari and Tomoko and Niragi and you. But seeing you looking at each other like that, so lovingly... It makes my heart ache even more. I just miss Daiki so much...' When he squeezes his eyes shut, tears are rolling over his cheeks. 'I was afraid that I would forget how he looked eventually, but now, every time I close my eyes... I see him. I don't know what is worse.' When he opens his eyes again, he wipes away the coming tears. 'I'm thinking about him all the time, all sort of things... Our conversations, our fights, our difficulties, our strengths, our happy memories, his touch...'
Tetsuya shakes his head. 'I thought that I needed to escape from the Beach for a while, but maybe that was a mistake. Now I'm not thinking about the crap that's going on there, my own shit just doesn't want to go away.' He wipes some more tears away aggressively. 'I think about it all the time, and I'm so disgusted by my own thoughts.' I start rubbing his shoulder gently. 'Niragi was so shocked and scared seeing you here. The second he laid eyes upon you, he feared for your safety. When Ari and you saw Tomoko, the same applied to you. You're constantly scared to see them die, or for them to see you die, yet you give each other so much strength to keep holding on. You give each other so much love, even in this wretched world.'
He sighs. 'My nightmare is to see him showing up here, in this world. He absolutely can't be here. He must not be here. Yet my heart aches for him so much. Yet every day I wish to see him in real life again, even if it's just once. I can't cope with this. My biggest fear is my biggest desire at the same time.'
I can't hold my composure anymore. My eyes start watering so much that eventually the tears just start coming. I wrap my arms around Tetsuya and hold him tightly. I completely understand how he's feeling. For your loved one to be here, in Borderland, is excruciatingly awful. Yet at the same time that's the very thing that keeps you holding on.
'I'm so sorry, Tetsuya,' I say crying. 'I'm so sorry. I wish I could help you, I wish I could...' He wraps his arms around me and doesn't hold back anymore. I support his shaking body as he lets it all out. 'What if we can't even go back?' he says, his voice cracking. 'What if I will never see him again?'
'We can,' I say. 'We will. That's the only outcome.' I lean back and look at him in all seriousness. 'I refuse to believe we can't. We will clear all games and eventually go home. You will see Daiki again, Tetsuya, in a world where we don't have to play these wretched "games" to survive. It has to be.'
When he looks at me inquiringly, I realize he's looking for hope. I know he sees that in my eyes. 'I will fight for you,' I tell him. 'I promise you I will. I will bring you back to Daiki. I know it's not the same, but I am here for you, Tetsuya. I'll support you instead.'
'Thank you, Shiori,' he replies as he hugs me again. 'Although it's not really the same, it's more than enough. I appreciate your support.' I try to smile at him reassuringly. 'We will fight this evil and we will win,' I reply. 'No, we won't just win, we'll thrive.'
'Yes, we will,' he agrees. When he wipes away his tears, no new ones start coming. The same applies to me. Whilst we just sit here in silence and peace, his chest starts rising and falling more steadily by the second. I stand up and move down the stairs, picking up the book before I join him again. 'Don't let Niragi see you dropping this,' I say as I hand him the thing. 'We searched four stores for this.' He breaks out in a short laughter. 'I was so frustrated,' he mumbles as he puts the book on his laps. I can see "Tokyo Revengers" written on it.
'You're done with the story in which the two brothers tried to complete their quest in retrieving their full bodies?' I ask. 'Fullmetal Alchemist,' he replies, 'and yeah, I've finished it.' I'm glad to see him smile again. 'And? Did they complete their mission?'
'I can't say, that's a spoiler,' he replies. 'Of course,' I say, rolling my eyes. He holds up the book for a second. 'This story, "Tokyo Revengers", is also really good. It's about a man in his mid-twenties who learns about the death of his old high-school girlfriend. It was his only girlfriend. In an accident he seems to be dying himself, bringing him back twelve years earlier, when he was still in a relationship with her. He thinks he's just reliving his past memory, but in reality he really time-travelled and sets out to change the future so his girlfriend still lives. He meets others along the way and changes the future time and time again, to save them all. He can't really fight that well, but he's determined.'
'Sounds inspiring,' I say honestly. 'Yes, it is,' Tetsuya says, smiling at me. 'And it got me thinking about this world, too. Just like time-travelling seems impossible, so does ending up in a world in which you have to play games to survive. Takemichi, as the main character in this story is called, takes chance and chance again to change the future so everyone can live. What if this is also a chance for us to change the future?'
I think about that for a minute. 'Now that you say that,' I start, 'I lost touch with Niragi as he stopped coming to school. Here, I found him and reconnected to him again. The same with Tomoko, and it was here I realized that I do want my stepfather in my life. Maybe this world really gives us a chance to change for the better.' Tetsuya nods. 'I hope so,' he says. 'I want to believe that. I want to believe this world doesn't only bring us misery.'
I take some comfort in his words and immediately feel better. It has to be. Not only did I learn about death and despair whilst being here, I also learnt a lot more useful things I can use in real life.
I look at Tetsuya and think about me telling him I'll support him. It has been the other way around all along. Now it's my time. I can start light. 'You can talk some more about the story, if you like,' I tell him. He smiles at me and looks at the book again, holding it up. Then something else catches his attention. 'What?' he says mumbling. 'Smoke?' I follow his gaze and see black smoke coming from the far distance. 'What could that be?'
We move inside and take the stairs to elevate ourselves to the attic. When I open the window and look outside, my heart stands still. 'Is that...' I start, looking at the immense fire that can still be seen, no matter the distance. It's a large compound that has been set on fire.
All the days I've spent there come flashing before my eyes. Although I felt cramped almost every day being there, I never would've imagined it would all end like this.
'Yes,' Tetsuya replies, 'it's the Beach.'