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Sirius Black was born during a dark winter night in the ancestral Black family manor, also known as Grimmauld Place. He was a source of joy for Walburga and Orion Black at the moment of his birth - finally, after so many years of failed attempts, they had a son. An heir. He was treated with what he thought was love, but was truly relief; there was finally a male heir to carry the Black line, after Druella and Cygnus's three births resulted in only girls. As a child, his existence was regarded with pure adoration - not for him, particularly, but his existence as a male. His cousins couldn't help but fawn over him, absolutely enamoured with their baby cousin.
For a pureblood, his childhood was tame. In the beginning, at least.
He fared well with his parents when he was younger. In fact, it would be fair to say he revered them. Walburga in all of her effortless grace and sophistication, Orion with his intimidating and powerful aura. When he was young, there was nothing Sirius wanted more than to be just like them - he wanted to be respected, he wanted to be admired, he wanted to be feared. He craved the power that came with being the only Black heir; he took his status as heir earnestly, hoping that one day his family would be proud of him.
With the birth of his brother Regulus, the pressure on Sirius only increased. Walburga, once again, was thrilled at having another son; she tasked Sirius with imposing the family's beliefs on Regulus from the moment of his birth. And unlike Sirius, Regulus seemed to absorb it more. More so than Sirius, Regulus adored his parents - especially his father. The two formed a connection that Sirius would never have, with either of his parents. If Sirius was the heir, Regulus was the son. For a reason unknown to Sirius, his parents favoured their younger son more. Perhaps it was because Sirius was a lot more outright in his beliefs, while Regulus went through life obediently, with his head bowed. From childhood, the differences between the Black brothers were evident. Maybe Regulus learned from Sirius's mistakes, knowing that fighting back against even the simplest of things came with only negative consequences. And no matter how much Sirius tried to take his brother under his wing, nothing seemed to be enough. Walburga always wanted more, more, more - she was a greedy woman, wanting to be admired by anyone she came across. She wanted her sons to be absolutely perfect - there was no room for mistakes in the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.
And Sirius was anything but perfect. He was a fiery being, even as a child, throwing tantrums and wreaking havoc across Grimmauld Place. Perhaps that was why he'd always gotten along best with Bellatrix - she, too, was a being of passion. There was a flame of wrath burning so brightly within both of them that could not be extinguished, no matter how hard their parents tried.
But that was where the similarities came to an end. While Bellatrix wholly agreed with her family's views, Sirius soon diverged from them. As he grew older, as he read, as he met ordinary Muggles - on the outings his family would take him out on, to prove that Muggles were lesser - he came to the realisation that those same elitist ideals held no basis in fact. For the life of him, he could not understand why wizards were supposedly better than Muggles; why his pure blood made him superior to others. No, to him, Muggles seemed completely ordinary. There was nothing explicitly wrong with them, so why did his mother paint them as a lesser race? Why was his mother so adamant on ridding the world of them? No matter how many times Walburga instilled into his head that Muggles deserved not to exist, no matter the punishments he garnered for his opposition of their beliefs, Sirius refused to bow down. The flame within him began to burn brighter than ever, but this time, it was in objection to his family's beliefs.
His previous admiration of his parents completely ceased to exist. Now, he regarded them with nothing but distaste. He loathed the lot of them, and soon grew to loathe his brother as well. Despite how much Sirius pushed Regulus to side with him, the younger boy was much too afraid of their parents to rebel. While Sirius was driven by a flame of wrath, Regulus was driven by a flame of self-preservation. Of selfishness, Sirius later put it. Regulus wanted peace and quiet; Sirius wanted to fight his parents against every single aspect of their beliefs. That was the beginning of the strife in the Black household. That was the beginning of the separation between the Black brothers. They had always been complete opposites, but with Sirius' rising dislike of his family's beliefs, their divergence increased. Because unlike the sisters Black, Regulus and Sirius did not have a bond that rose above all. Sirius was much too passionate to place his brother above his beliefs; Regulus was much too smart. They were now forever divided - in values, in friends, in everything. And though a part of Sirius still carried a certain protectiveness for his brother, it was perpetually overshadowed by his contempt for Regulus's lack of rebellion.
And then came Hogwarts. A part of Sirius had always known he wouldn't be sorted into Slytherin; a part of him had hoped his fighting had not been for nought. And when he had been sorted into Gryffindor, he was thrilled. His fear of his parents' reaction was overlooked by his pure elatedness of being sorted into the opposite house.
And then he met James Potter. A boy, a pureblood, who held all the beliefs and values Sirius had been fighting for his entire life and who stood against everything his parents believed in. Their friendship had been immediate, igniting and burning like an eternal candle. The two immediately became inseparable; where one was, the other was certainly mere seconds away. They became attached at the hip, pranking and trailing chaos in their wake.
It was the happiest Sirius had ever felt in his life.
And then came his friendship with the rest of the boys. Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. Though his friendship with them would never match up to the one he shared with James, he vowed to protect them with every fibre of his being. The Pettigrews, although purebloods, did not have as pure of a lineage as the Blacks or the Potters. And Remus wasn't even a pureblood - he was a halfblood, the same type of people his parents had warned him against his entire life. And once again, Sirius realised that his rebellion had not been for nought. Remus Lupin had perhaps the purest, most beautiful soul Sirius had ever come across. Every word that rolled off his tongue, every action proved him to be the kindest individual Sirius had met. And even though the boy was secretive, disappearing to supposedly visit his mum or his gran once a month, Sirius couldn't bring himself to feel upset that he didn't trust him enough to talk about it. Because that would make him a hypocrite, wouldn't it? Sirius had his fair share of secrets - Remus was allowed to have them too. Even if the lies didn't add up, even if Sirius was rapidly growing suspicious as Remus began to disappear for a day or two then return with scars, even as Sirius began to notice that everytime Remus vanished it was a full moon (he loved finding his star in the sky, it was normal to stargaze, alright?) - he didn't say anything. Because no matter his suspicions, he knew Remus to have an angelic soul. Nothing would change that.
And so he vowed to ensure that those three boys were forever safe. He vowed to protect them with his life; he vowed to take a killing curse for them, if the time ever came.
But Asteria Grey was an entirely different story. From the very first moment he met her, Sirius was intrigued. Here she was, a girl who had come from a line perhaps even purer than the Blacks - the Fawley line. A family that was worshipped not just in England, but perhaps the entire Wizarding world. But she was just like him. For the first time, in perhaps his entire short life, Sirius Black felt seen. Despite her upbringing, she seemed to view half-bloods and Muggle-borns as ordinary as the next person over. She befriended Lily Evans in moments, a Muggle-born. Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas Meadowes - both half bloods. And Mary MacDonald, who - Sirius would deny saying this - rivalled Remus's kindness, and who was also a Muggle-born.
Asteria had a spirit just as fiery as his, if not more. With her, he could never feel peace - there was always a spark of challenge. Their relationship had started off rocky, but had developed into a friendship that he never thought possible. Perhaps it was more than a friendship, although he tried to convince himself otherwise. He loved the way being around her made him feel - safe, but strong. He knew she had her fair share of problems at home - that much he could tell from her reluctance to talk about her parents, though she brought up her siblings quite often. And maybe he envied her for that. He envied the fact that her siblings supported her no matter what. Sirius didn't have that with Regulus. And maybe he never would.
That envy sometimes caused him to say things he didn't mean. It caused his anger to flare up, especially when she had the audacity to talk about his family to him. Him, who had spent his entire life suffering alone in Grimmauld Place. Him, who had no one to back him up. At least she had her brother, her sisters. He had absolutely no one. And yet she had the insolence to claim she'd been alone her entire life. It had taken everything in Sirius to refrain from yelling that she had Adonis, she had Selene and Calliope. He had no one.
But that wasn't her fault. He hadn't been clear about how horrid his familial situation was. He hadn't described it to anyone - not even James, who he talked to about everything. James wouldn't understand what it meant to have parents who despised you. Who had held hopes that you would be the one to carry the bloodline; who held hopes that they would be able to bend you to their every whim. And who Sirius had severely disappointed by being sorted into Gryffindor.
Mere days after being sorted into Gryffindor, Sirius had received a Howler - fortunately, he had been alone. His first few days at Hogwarts he had spent the majority of alone. Narcissa had tried to come up to him, to talk - and sure, he'd let her. But he'd promptly walked away when he realised that every word she was spewing from her mouth was nothing but an echo of what Bellatrix would say. And Sirius despised Bellatrix. The adoration he had for her had also disappeared, replaced with a burning hatred when he realised that what she stood for was completely, utterly wrong. And so, he had avoided Narcissa since.
Right before Christmas Break, his first year, was the first time Sirius had allowed himself to experience the true, petrifying horror that came with the thought of returning to Grimmauld Place. And when it came, despite his efforts to stay at Hogwarts, his mother had found a way to drag him back. He was punished severely - the scar on his back would serve as a permanent reminder. It was faded now, a thin white line that protruded between his shoulder blades that he tried as hard as he could to hide from his dorm mates. But the pain, the memories, followed him everywhere. And at the gala, when he had seen Asteria, other than the dark circles under her eyes and the slight gauntness in her face, she had seemed completely fine. And once again, his envy flared up. He had tried to quench it, of course, but it was still there. Always there, taunting him that despite their similarities, Sirius would always suffer more than her. And he hated comparing their situations, it made him feel dirty, but he was still a child - it was subconscious, really. So he pushed it down, away; out of sight, out of mind.
But then the summer came. In the days leading up, the anxiety that had wracked his body was like no other. It took over every nerve, every vein, every cell. There had been times he had woken up screaming, James sitting by his side, eyes wide with worry as he placed a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. That was when Sirius had learned the muffliato charm; the embarrassment that came from having nightmares was unlike any other. He hated it. Hated being seen as weak, as vulnerable. That was the only trait from the Blacks he had inherited, really. His hatred of emotions. Of feeling.
And yet, his fear of the summer had not been for nothing. His mother had somehow discovered his friendship with blood traitors and half-bloods. The times he didn't spend locked in his room, he spent being cursed. That was how he had learned of his family's affiliation with Dark Magic - with a firsthand experience. Walburga had spent the summer trying to quench the flame that burned so brightly within her heir, but to no avail. His spirit may have been tamed, but his soul remained the same. He swore to never kneel to his mother. If not because he didn't agree with her philosophies - which he didn't - but because of pure spite.
But it would take him a while to regain his spirit. Regulus had been tasked with watching over Sirius at Hogwarts, to report every deplorable action. Unknown to Sirius, Regulus refused to do so. He sent letters with his brother's small actions, such as pranks, but never anything noteworthy - like the Halloween prank, or the multitude of duels Sirius continuously found himself in. And Narcissa, despite her loyalty to her family, refused to rat on him as well. She had seen the consequences of her actions over the summer - after all, it was her who had revealed to Walburga his friendship with Potter and Lupin - and she had never felt so disgusted with herself in her life. So, unbeknownst to Sirius, he had family looking out for him - family who he never thought would.
Despite the lack of Howlers from his mother, Sirius remained on his guard. His mind would constantly drift to memories of his summer, of the curses, of the whispers. He'd been locked in his room, sure, but witches gossip. House elves gossip. And he was certain that the Dark Lord himself had stepped foot in Grimmauld Place; he was certain that his eldest cousin, Bellatrix, had been initiated into the cause. Narcissa would be next - but not Andromeda. Never Andromeda. No, that summer she had been disowned, burned off the family tree. And Sirius envied her for it; he envied her ability to pursue her dreams, to rebel against her family with no fear of being cursed. She embodied fearlessness. Sirius wanted to be just like her.
And he was getting there.
But it was hard, wasn't it? He was only thirteen, now, and had so little experience of the real world. The one thing he did know about, however, was friendship. With the coining of the Marauders, Sirius found himself a new family. A family that would stick by him no matter what - a family that would give him strength to riot. And so, bit by bit, he found himself uncaring of his blood family's icy indifference; he found solace in the arms of his friends. And it was his friends that slowly brought him back out of his shell. It was them that ignited the flame once again - the eternal flame, that had dimmed, but now burned as brightly as ever.
He should've known that his family would always be an incredibly sensitive topic - and when brought up, his flame would overtake him. His fight with Asteria was proof of that. He knew she only meant to make sure he was alright, but Sirius was just so ... unused to that. His entire life had been spent in fear and anger, so such a tender feeling was foreign. And so, he had treated it like he would any unfamiliar notion - with anger. He allowed the fire he was so proud of to possess him; he allowed himself to spew words he later wished he could take back. Especially when he realised that the same flame burned in Asteria. And perhaps that was why it was he who had apologised first. Because after all, he was in the wrong, and he knew that. Asteria had nothing to be sorry for.
But Sirius Black was a complex person. Emotions had always been a taboo topic in the Black household, and soon he began to subconsciously prohibit himself from feeling anything other than numbness and anger. He learned to compartmentalise; any emotion other than those two were locked away into a little box, tucked deep into the furthest corners of his mind. He didn't know how to handle them - and maybe he never would. And quite frankly, Asteria didn't either. Neither had much experience with feeling. Not like James, or Remus, or even Lily. They had grown up in normal, loving households, where unconditional love was not earned but given. Sirius had always tried to earn his parents' love - and when that didn't work, he turned to anger. He turned to spite. He turned to hatred. And so, he found himself only ever experiencing the negative emotions. Positive ones were unfamiliar, unwelcome.
And with his emotional immaturity, it would take him years to learn how to unlearn that. Maybe decades. So for now, just like he was used to, just like Asteria was used to, they skimmed over their argument. At the end of the day, both knew there were no hard feelings - not really. Both had said things neither meant. Both had their anger flare up, a result of poor and unforgiving upbringings. And they understood that about each other, they really did.
Was it healthy? Probably not. Because when Sirius told James the story of how they'd made up, the latter had simply stared at him with wide eyes.
"That's it?" he would ask, and Sirius would shrug.
But things were back to normal, and that's all Sirius really cared about. Because although he would never admit it to himself or anyone, he'd missed Asteria. He missed their bantering, their collaboration on pranks. A singular fight should not divide them forever. Despite his mind screaming at him, yelling at him that she hated him and never wanted to see him again - her staying in the common room and not storming away incited hope in his little chest. Maybe one day he would learn that a singular fight was not the end of the world. That a disagreement should not deem a friendship over.
But until that day came, Sirius decided he would force himself to be normal. He would push that little voice that sounded so alike his mother, telling him he was useless and worthless and how could anyone want to be friends with him? to the very back of his mind. He would put everything that had transpired over the summer behind him, locked in the little box he had saved for emotions that were too strong to feel. Fear being one of them.
Because he was Sirius Black. He wasn't afraid of anything.