Chapter song:
Bad Machine by Boston Manor
-
"Harry, I don't want to do this," Katie whines, stomping her feet as I drag her up to the podium.
"That's too bad," I chuckle, pulling my hair up into a bun, and securing it with the elastic on my wrist. "You need to know how to protect yourself."
Katie has been protesting ever since I told her I was taking her to a shooting range. She keeps telling me that she's terrified of guns, and although I empathize with her, she needs to know how to use one.
After our meeting with Charles, I've been sick with anxiety over how the hell I'm supposed to keep her safe, because no matter how badly I want to, I also know that sometimes things happen that are outside of our control. This way, I feel better about leaving her alone.
"But why do I need to do that with a gun?" She groans, crossing her arms in front of her chest angrily.
She looks fucking adorable when she's pouting.
"Because I'm not always going to be there to look out for you," I state, grabbing the hearing protectors and placing them over her ears. "I need to know that you're safe, especially now that you're going to be working alone."
She rolls her eyes at me, adjusting the large headphones until they're comfortably situated before facing the practice target.
"Baby," I sigh, grabbing her chin to get her to look at me. Her big brown eyes, no matter how angry they are, always manage to make my stomach flutter. "I know it's scary, but this is the only way for you to protect yourself in these situations, okay? Plus, target practice is actually quite fun."
She purses her lips, her eyes flicking back and forth between mine before she finally sighs.
"Fine," she huffs, pushing my hand away from her face. "What do I have to do?"
A smile plays on my lips as I put my own ear protectors on, and pick up the handgun to show her how to load it. I teach her how to use the safety, and how to conceal it in a way that won't accidentally hurt her or anyone else. She actually seems interested when I'm explaining it to her, and to my surprise, she even asks me if she can try.
"Okay, stand in front of me," I order, grabbing her by the hips to move her behind the podium. "We're going to try a few practice rounds."
Using my knee, I nudge her thighs apart to spread her legs just slightly. "Stand like this, it'll give you a bit more stability," I explain.
She shifts on her feet until they're firmly planted, a little less than shoulder-width apart, before nodding her head. "Okay," she says, turning her head to look up at me with a worried expression.
I think this is the part that she's really been worried about, and I don't blame her. A gun is an incredibly dangerous weapon, especially when someone is inexperienced, but that's exactly why I'm teaching her how to use it today.
"Alright, now pick up the gun," I nod my head toward the black pistol sitting on the wooden counter in front of her. "Then click the safety off."
My chest is flush with her back, and I feel her take a deep breath before picking it up and doing what I say. Carefully, I reach in front of her, placing my hands over hers as she grips the handle. I raise both of our arms to point the gun at the paper target just a few yards in front of us.
"Now, I want you to focus on the center of the target," I say loudly, ensuring she hears me through the headphones. "And when you're ready, pull the trigger."
She nods her head, and I drop my hands to take a step back. I can see her shaking slightly as she holds the gun, and my heart clenches knowing how nervous all of this makes her.
She was never meant for this life. She shouldn't be here, learning how to properly use a fucking gun just so she can stay alive if she needs to. She should be on the beach, enjoying the sunshine as the waves crash against her legs, without a care in the world. That's where she belongs.
And I'll never forgive myself for taking that away from her.
I'm violently pulled out of my thoughts when the gun goes off, making me flinch in surprise. I blink a few times as I process what's happened, and that's when I notice exactly where the bullet landed.
Dead fucking center of the target.
"No fucking way," I chuckle breathlessly, my eyes widening at her when she turns to face me.
She has a wide smile on her face, clearly proud of her shot. "I did it!" She laughs, glancing between me and the target.
"You fucking did it!" I say, carefully taking the gun from her hands before setting it down to pull her into my arms. "You hit it perfectly. Holy shit."
She giggles as I place small pecks all over her face, her eyes pinching shut when my lips move across her lids.
"Harry, stop," she chuckles between my sloppy kisses, making me smile against her soft skin as she attempts to shove me off of her.
"How did it feel?" I ask her, running my hands up and down her leather jacket-clad arms.
"Honestly? Really fucking good," she states, bringing her bottom lip between her teeth before turning back around to face the target. "I can't believe it."
My cheeks begin to hurt from the smile painted on my face, my chest tightening with pride.
That's my fucking girl.
"Come on," I say. "Let's do a few more rounds, then we can go home."
I smack her ass playfully, making her yelp. She shoots me a dirty look, all while clearly trying to hold back her grin, which makes me smile even wider.
• • •
My head rises and falls against Katie's chest as she breathes, her fingers running carelessly through my hair.
We got home from the shooting range a little over an hour ago, after Katie hit the center of the target every fucking time. I even shot off a few rounds, and only once did I barely make it. She'll never admit it, but she's a natural, and it makes me feel ten times better knowing she'll be safe without me around.
We smoked a bit when we got back to my flat to calm us down after our mutual rush of adrenaline, and my whole body feels fuzzy from the high. I smile at how heavenly she feels against me.
My arm is wrapped around her waist, my leg crossed over hers as we lay tangled up on my couch. Boston Manor is playing softly through my Bluetooth speakers, and I'm actually enjoying listening to them.
"How are you feeling?" She asks me.
I furrow my brows, glancing up at her. "What do you mean?"
"I don't know," she shrugs, watching her fingers as they dance through my messy curls. "About our situation, I guess. I feel like I've been so focused on how scared I am, that I haven't really asked you how you're handling it."
The song changes, and I focus on the sound of the electric guitar drifting through the room.
I fell by the wayside
I fell in the gutter
Lost all of my money
And I lost my lover
I pull my lips to the side, clearing my throat. Truthfully, I've been too focused on how scared she is, to think about how I'm feeling, too. I guess I'm feeling hopeless, but I can't tell her that. I have to remain strong for the both of us. It's just hard to imagine that there will ever be a way out of this.
"I'm not really sure," I lie, taking a deep breath. "I mean, it's scary."
I met a stranger
Who bet double or nothing
I just wanna be someone
I just wanna be something
I never imagined my life would end up like this. No one ever does, I guess, but growing up I wanted something different for myself. Something better.
I thought I would end up with Caroline, and that we would grow old together. Then she died, and that shifted everything for me. I'd like to think she's happy I found Katie, and that I'm not alone anymore, but I can't help but worry that she feels like I've betrayed her.
What if she thinks I've forgotten about her?
I'll never say sorry
Cause I'll never be free
You float like a butterfly
You sting like a bee
"It is," she agrees. "Sometimes this life doesn't even feel like it's mine anymore, you know? Like someone else stole it from me, and I'm just a pawn in their game now. It doesn't feel real."
You're everywhere I go
You're always watching me
Get the hell out of my head
Get the hell out of my head
"No kidding," I chuckle, slipping my hand under her shirt to caress her stomach softly. I feel her breath shudder beneath me. "I don't think I've felt real for a long time, though."
You cracked your whip
You sucked your thumb
You blew me a kiss
And the jig was up
"What do you mean?" She wonders.
"I mean, I feel like I've just been going through the motions, you know?" I explain, pulling my lip ring between my teeth. "Like I'm on autopilot. I haven't really felt anything, aside from anger, in years. Until I met you."
I broke both my ankles
On the way down
It was a long way down
Such a long way down
She hums, and I feel the vibration in her chest against my ear, sending a shiver down my spine.
"Do you believe in fate?" She asks, making me furrow my brows.
Is there such a thing as fate?
When Caroline died, I was told by nearly everyone that everything happens for a reason, but that was never comforting. If anything, it pissed me off. I've never understood how there could ever be a reason for losing my best friend, and for how far I fell after the fact.
"I don't know," I say honestly. "I think it depends on the situation, I guess."
I'll never say sorry
Cause I'll never be free
You float like a butterfly
You sting like a bee
"How so?" Her voice comes out soft; calming.
I don't know if it's the high, or what, but it's like music to my ears.
"I think that certain people are meant to come into your life, and leave your life," I sigh. "But I don't necessarily believe the way they leave is for a reason, if that makes sense."
You're everywhere I go
You're always watching me
Get the hell out of my head
Get the hell out of my head
"W- What about you and I?" She stammers. "Do you think meeting me was fate?"
The question causes my heart to clench, especially from how nervous she sounds.
When I met Katie, I never thought we would end up like this. I never thought she would be the one person consuming my thoughts twenty-four-seven, the one person that makes me feel more alive than I've felt in years. But like I said, I believe some people are meant to come into your life, whether it be to teach you a lesson, or to find a part of you that you thought you lost.
I'll never say sorry
Cause I'll never be free
You float like a butterfly
You sting like a bee
"Yeah, I do," I nod against her chest, feeling the soft fabric of her black tank-top rub against my cheek. "I think you woke something up inside me."
Her heart begins to race against my ear, thumping loudly in her ribcage.
"Like what?"
You're everywhere I go
You're always watching me
Get the hell out of my head
Get the hell out of my head
"Something that wasn't as dark as I believed myself to be for years," I say, tilting my head to stare up at her.
Her cheeks are flushed, something I noticed happened the last time we smoked together, and her eyes are flicking nervously between mine.
Her beautiful brown eyes.
"I've been by myself for a long time," I continue. "I've had Louis, of course, but it's not the same. I lost my mum, and I lost-"
My voice catches in my throat, cutting me off, and her brows pinch together with concern.
I'm not ready to tell her about Caroline, yet. That part of my past is the reason I ended up like this. It's the reason I started using drugs, the reason I had to move to America and leave everything I'd ever known behind. I also believe it to be the reason I met Jay, who has turned my life into utter shit.
I don't even want to think about it.
I'll never say sorry
Cause I'll never be free
You float like a butterfly
You sting like a bee
I breathe in deeply through my nose before I continue. "I believed that I was meant to end up alone," I say.
"You're not," she shakes her head, pursing her lips. "No one is meant to be alone forever, Harry."
I nod sadly. "I know that now, because of you," I whisper, her bottom lip quivering. "I think that idea will always be in the back of my head, though. It's not easy to just push it out forever. But you give me hope, which is something I never thought I'd have again."
You're everywhere I go
You're always watching me
Get the hell out of my head
Get the hell out of my head
I watch as tears begin pooling at her lash line, and I reach my hand up to swipe my thumb under her eyes to wipe them away. She laughs sadly at the action.
"You've given me hope too, you know," she sniffs, staring down at me intently. "For a long time it felt like everyone in my life died, like I was cursed. I've never seriously dated someone, because I was terrified of losing them in the same way I lost my parents and sister. But you feel... different."
"Different?" I repeat, tilting my head in confusion.
And I'm just a puppet
Who's drunk on his dreams
I'll never say sorry
I'll never be free
She hums, nodding her head. "I don't know how to explain it," she continues. "But you feel more permanent. And I know nothing is permanent, but this feels like it could last, you know? I believe in fate, and I think you were brought into my life for a reason."
My throat tightens as a wave of sadness washes over me. Sadness for her, because she believed for so long that she was cursed to a life of death. Sadness for me, because even though I want to believe that we're permanent, there's still that part of me that's convinced that what we have can't last.
I feel like I've done nothing but ruin her life since she met me, and soon she'll realize that. Then, she'll leave.
I'm through being sober
Cause what's in it for me
I'll never say sorry
I'll never be free
The song ends, and the air turns quiet, leaving behind only the sound of her racing heart, and my thoughts.
I believe I was cursed to a life of drugs; a life of sadness, and anger, and misery. But when she's looking at me like I'm the only person she's ever wanted, it gives me hope. Hope that maybe there is more to life, and that I can be happy.
The thing about hope, though, is that it's only an idea. It's not concrete, and it can be ripped from you at any moment. I'm terrified for the day that my hope is stolen from me, because I know it'll mean that her hope is shattered.
And I'm worried that that day will be coming sooner, rather than later.
"What do you think that reason is?" I ask her, chewing nervously on the inside of my lip.
"That neither of us are cursed," she states, causing my mouth to go dry. It's as if she could hear my thoughts. "That we're meant to be happy. Together."
I inhale deeply, and run my thumb over her bottom lip before sighing heavily.
"Harry, d- do you think that everything is going to be okay?" She whispers, placing her hand over mine to hold it to her cheek. "Do you think that we're going to get out of this?"
My brows pinch together, and I feel my eyes begin to burn with the threat of tears. I can see just how scared she is, and I can hear it in her voice. I want nothing more than to take that fear away, and to protect her from whatever might happen to her. To us.
"I hope so, princess."
Whether my hope is destroyed or not, it's the only thing I've got to hold on to right now.
~~~~~
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