Minji's
After an incredible day with Hanni yesterday, I don't want to let her go. We sat on the blanket overlooking the water until we heard Danielle and Lucas pull up. Hanni convinced Danielle that she'd been feeling better and went into town with me for some lunch before coming outside to enjoy the beautiful fall day. She seemed to buy it because she smiled and walked back into the house.
"I should go help her. I'm sure she has a million things on her to-do list still," Hanni said with a fake smile. I could tell she was just as disappointed as I was to have to leave our little happy place.
"Yeah, sure. I'll clean up out here." I waved her off, not wanting her to see how sad I was to see her leave. I'd wanted to kiss her again, but a part of me stopped myself. I knew if I felt her lips against mine again, I wouldn't stop at just a kiss, and knowing we were from completely different worlds, it would only make it harder to say goodbye to her in a few days.
I stayed up in my room instead of eating dinner with them. After taking a much-needed cold shower, I sit on the bed, leaning up against the headboard and scroll through pictures of Tris on my phone.
"I really need to get these printed," I remind myself. Perhaps I did need a list.
Tris deserved a photo album. She deserved life, but since that was out of my control, I can at least print out the memories we shared together.
As I scroll through the numerous hundreds of photos, I come across one of the two of us at the zoo. It was right before we heard about her diagnosis and life was complete.
"Let's go find the Zebras!" She loved the Zebras. I can still hear her tiny voice in my head. She was filled with so much energy and love.
I let her drag me around all day from exhibit to exhibit. I remember being so pissed at my dad that day. He promised he'd meet us there that day, but something at work came up—as usual—and he stood her up. I hated him for that. She was only eight and she already experienced heartbreak after heartbreak of never being enough for him. He'd have excuse after excuse, but she didn't deserve that.
Even during her last few months, he'd stand her up. He had to work late or traffic set him back three hours. By the time he'd arrived, the drugs made her pass out for the night.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you just ever put her first?" I'd scream at him. He'd just stare back at me, no emotion in his features.
"I have a company to run, Minji. She knows that. She understands." His voice was so empty.
"She understands?" I challenged. "She's eleven! How in the world can she understand something like that when she's fighting for her life?"
"She understands I need to work to pay for her care."
I shook my head in disbelief, wanting to put my fist right through his smug face. "You're a millionaire," I reminded him. "You could take the time off if you wanted to."
"It doesn't work like that, girl. One day, you'll see that. One day, you'll understand firsthand." He was implying that I'd takeover once he retired.
"God, I hope not," I mumbled, walking away from him. I would never be the cold-hearted man that he was. I'd make sure of that.
As I stare at her bright smile, I cringe as I remember my father in those days. He hasn't changed a bit since burying his daughter. Tris came from wife number three and three years after that, they divorced and he paid her off to stay away for good. She wasn't the best at being a mom, but at least she was around when she was here. My father's made an infinite amount of mistakes and yet, he never learns.
Guess that's what happens when you have a cold, black heart.
A knock on the door distracts me and assuming its Hanni, I tell her to come in. I'm surprised to see it's not her, but actually Danielle.
"You doing okay?" she asks, sitting on the edge of the bed.
I nod, pursing my lips in a firm line. "Yeah, fine."
"Okay, well, I just wanted to double check." I set my phone down and her eyes follow to the images of Tris on the screen. "You should tell her. She could be there for you in ways no one else can."
"Why? What's the point?"
"Sometimes it's nice to talk to someone who gets what you're feeling."
"I mean, what's the point in telling her, getting close, and then having to leave days later? I'm getting too close as it is," I admit.
"You could still talk, you know? Call, text, email."
I shrug, looking down. "I like her."
"I figured."
"I feel guilty for trying to move on," I say without thinking. "I miss Tris."
She inches closer, resting a hand on top of my knee, giving me that look. That look of pity. "I know."
"I don't want her to look at me like that," I say, pointing at her expression.
"She's experienced loss, too, Minji. She'd never look at you like that."
"So how do two broken people with damaged souls come together for the sake of healing?" I ask aloud. "I'm not sure there's even such a thing."
Hanni
The following night, Elle drags me out to a girl's night out of dinner and a movie while the guys go do their 'bachelor party' night out. Elle doesn't seem concerned, so I try and brush it off.
I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous.
Okay, I'm a tad jealous. I can only assume they're going drinking someplace where girls will be throwing themselves at her all night long.
And I'm even more jealous that any of those girls could at least give her what I can't—a future.
Before I met Minji, I was learning to accept my diagnosis. I came here with one goal in my mind—be carefree. That included crossing things off my list, trying new things, and living with my fate. But now, Minji was changing all of those things for me. The resentment started to boil in my blood. The bitterness came back, and I'm finding myself second-guessing every decision I make now.
Am I leading her on? Does she think what this is between us is going to last beyond this week?
Do I want it to last beyond this week?
I'm confused, annoyed with myself, and fighting with my heart and the way it thumps hard in my chest every time I'm near her or even think about her. It feels as if I was meant to be here, to meet her, and change my life around.
But it's too late. I can't change anything about my diagnosis. Even treatment wouldn't save me at this point. How can I put her through something like that?
I can't.
"Are you okay?" Elle asks, snapping me back to the food in front of me. I look back up at her and nod with a fake smile. "You just seem out of it."
"Sorry, just a lot on my mind." I push the food around on my plate with my fork, my appetite lost.
"Want to talk about it?" I hear the sincerity in her voice and know she's concerned.
"No, I'll be all right. Plus this weekend is about you!" I say with enthusiasm. "Are you getting nervous? Excited?"
She sighs with a big smile. "It feels surreal. I'm really excited though."
I manage to stay off the topic of me and chat about wedding stuff for the rest of dinner. We walk down the street to the theatre and decide on a romcom where we stuffed our faces with popcorn and milk duds.
"This was nice," she says as we walk back to the car.
I smile in return. "It was." I look up at the dark sky, lit up with stars and a bright moon. "It's so pretty here."
We're bundled up in jackets and scarves, but the chilly air adds to the beauty of it all.
"It really is. I can't wait to start a family and watch my kids grow up here."
"Have you guys talked about how many you want?"
She sighs and wraps her arms around herself tightly. "I'd like three or four. Lucas says two. Just two. Ugh"
I laugh. "If I had to place a bet on it, I'd bet you'd win."
"Yeah?" she asks with a chuckle.
"Yeah, I think you're pretty convincing. At least you always were growing up. Wasn't it you that convinced Hyein she could walk on water if she held her breath?"
She burst out laughing, nearly falling over. "Oh my God! I can't believe you remember that."
Cousin Hyein was three years younger than us, which made her an easy target for all of our practical jokes. "It makes a lot more sense now that she never really calls." We laugh again, and I love how easy it is to go down memory lane with her.
On our drive back home, she brings up Minji, which I knew she wouldn't be able to help herself for much longer.
"So, since you weren't really sick yesterday, you going to tell me what was really going on?"
I turn and look at her, wide-eyed with a just-got-caught expression. "You knew."
She glances at me with an easy smile. "Of course, I knew! The look on your face told me everything I needed to know. Why do you think I rushed Lucas and I out of the house?"
"So you knew I was lying and didn't bust me out for it?"
"You're not a child, Hanni." She smirks. "I figured it was Minji's idea anyway."
I sigh with a stupid grin on my face. "Yeah, it was."
"So…you wanna tell me what you guys did all morning?" she asks as we pull into the driveway of her house.
"I had a lot of fun actually." I smile, remembering all the laughs we had. "I could really see myself liking her," I admit.
"I think you're past that already, Hanni kitty. I think you like her, a lot." She shifts the car into park, but doesn't move to get out.
I bow my head and nod. I can't disagree with her. I do like her a lot.
I shrug, not wanting her to see the pain and confusion that's written all over my face. "I feel a connection to her, but that doesn't mean it could lead to anything serious. We're from different states. There's no way it'd work."
"She's lost someone close to her, Hanni. Her little sister. Less than a year ago." Her words strike me hard, and I'm almost certain I'm going to pass out. "She might not show it, but she's hurting inside. This is the first time since the funeral that Lucas or I have even seen her, and the fact that she's been smiling and laughing nonstop since she's met you really says something."
"How'd she die?" I find myself asking before I can stop myself.
She looks down before answering. "Cancer."
I don't look at her because if I do, I know I'll cry. And I can't breakdown in front of her. I can't have her questioning my decision. Aside from being in different states, she assumes I'm being guarded because of Sunghoon, and although that could be partly the reason, it's not the reason I'm fighting it as hard as I am.
"Just think about it," she says, squeezing my hand that's placed over my knee. She turns off the car and heads in, leaving me to the darkness and my thoughts.