No idea who made the photo sorry
Tw discussion of self harm
-
the window slightly opened as the kind wind made its way in, accompanied by faint chirping and caressing my skin as I was softly lulled into sleep.
I slowly opened my eyes, immediately squinting them under my furrowed eyebrows as the light hit me.
"What time is it?" I yawned, fixing my sight on the slim figure besides me.
"Seven. We still have a few hours."
I lightly nodded, closing my eyes again and focusing on the way he was playing with my hair.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Mhm."
"Are you really that scared of needles?"
My smile quickly faded as i found his eyes searching for mine, and the air felt burning me.
I sighed, lowering my gaze in thought, and maybe even in shame.
"When i was eleven or twelve this girl moved next door. She was quiet, but i immediately got curious and tried approaching her.
Turns out she was really smart and witty, and even if the way she would act could be kind of strange at times, i immediately got a crush on her. You know, those childish infatuations you get without really knowing someone. You just idealize them, you see something interesting about them and try to focus on that small information you got."
I licked my dry lips, unconsciously searching for his.
"One day, as we were playing in her garden, she slipped a needle from the pocket of her dress and told me that when her grandmother was her age she used to sting herself with it.
She overheard a conversation about it, and now she wanted to make me try it;
I rejected the offer, but i got called a little girl, and as stupid as i was i didn't hesitate and i grabbed the needle, poking my arms and dragging the pointy part untill i traced long scratches."
His fingers stopped, and he fixed himself as if he needed it to listen better.
"Strangely enough i found myself liking it. I liked the satisfaction i felt, i liked how the scars would heal and leave space for others to come.
For the following years, when i was sad, i was told not to cry because i was a boy and 'boys don't cry' " i mocked raising my eyebrows and rolling my eyes.
"So i started doing it to stop the anger.
It quickly became a habit, and now i'm terrified of getting addicted to it again."
He just looked at me as if i was made out of glass.
"I'm sorry." He mumbled, looking down.
I smiled absent-mindedly. It was a silly thing to apologize for something you never took part of, but it's the only thing you can say when someone shares a piece of them so delicate and sorrowful.
I got closer to him, cupping his cheek and kissing his forehead slowly.
"It's okay." I whispered.
"Wanna eat?" I proposed after a few seconds of silence.
He simply nodded, making me crack a smile.
-
We ate, he gave me the photos from the booth he had developed the day before and i accompanied him home. He was gonna pack his things, and then we were gonna go from house to house to say bye to his friends. I was waiting near the entrance, sitting on its steps as i observed the different pictures.
I was deep in my thoughts when, after a few minutes, i heard shuffling and heavy steps, then whining and slamming.
I jumped up and hid the pictures in my pocket, grateful he didn't fully close the door on his way in, and rushed to find him.
I called him a few times, where i heard more noises, then saw his figure messily pop up from a corner of the wall.
"Jesus, are you okay?" I worriedly asked as i stepped closer and reached for his face.
He pushed my hand away in a swift motion, and i opened my mouth to speak but closed it as soon as i saw his grandmother approach us.
"Hello honey, I'm sorry for the scare but he saw a bug in the bathroom... you know how he can be." She explained in a weird, tight grin and a few giggles.
I ignored how suspicious it sounded and just nodded, walking back to the front and sitting back down.
A few minutes passed when i heard steps approach me, and as i turned around i saw him observe me, his eyes shining with excitement and a luggage in his hand.
I got up and inched to him, eating the space up with my mind as my lips were getting frenetically bitten to refrain them from kissing the boy in front of me.
I wrapped my arms around him, trying to hold his soul close to mine.
"You look so beautiful."
I whispered to his ear as i distanced myself.
He simply smiled, a slight blush creeping up his cheeks.
"Let's go." He proposed in a grin, turning to wave to Mrs Jacobs which was looking at us from the open door.
"See you soon Madam!" I saluted, bowing and taking off my flat hat like a gentleman.
She simply laughed, inciting us to start going with a hand gesture.
We went to Dream's house, and, of course, George was there to open the door.
Karl immediately slung to his arms, tightening his embrace as the other was looking at me with desperate eyes.
For how much he tried laughing about it i could see the tears he was swallowing quietly.
He offered us to get inside, but we had to reject because the train was gonna leave in thirty minutes.
Dream came down the stairs, reaching us and warmly hugging Karl.
"Be careful." He mumbled with a sad smile.
Karl nodded, hugging them once more and turning around to get on the back of my bike, waiting for me silently.
For a small moment the town seemed to quiet down. Only we existed, and as he tried reaching for my lips i stopped him.
"I can't."
He furrowed his eyebrows and frowned, clearly hurt.
I spoke softly and caressed his cheek. "If i kissed you I wouldn't be able to say goodbye."
He leaned onto my palm, closing his eyes and covering my hand with his.
--
"Here we are." I sighed as i stopped the pedals, slowly unwrapping my fingers from the handles.
I checked the watch on my wrist.
Five minutes.
Five minutes untill the train would have arrived, and each second seemed to tighten its grip on my neck as i nervously cleared my voice and swallowed my anxiety.
We stood leaned onto a wall of the station, trying to lose our thoughts by watching other people frenetically walk right and left, moving as if every wasted moment ate their soul up more and more.
I desperately tried confusing my sight in that chaotic view so we wouldn't cross our gazes, and i nervously fiddled with my ring so i wouldn't hold his hand.
Each breath i took felt heavier, and i held them as i felt him get closer to me, slightly brushing his shoulder against mine.
His eyes burned my skin as they eagerly studied me, but i was too coward to look back.
I was aware that if i had allowed myself his image again i wouldn't have been able to say goodbye.
How is it fair to let someone experience something so good just for them to get used to its taste on their tongue, and then snatch it from their reach?
It felt cruel like giving a child a toy and breaking it as he was playing with it, letting a prisoner breathe fresh air and slamming him into an shabby cell the second after.
How could i ever see again if it's not him i'm seeing?
How could i ever breathe if it's not his perfume? How could i hear if it's not his voice? How could i ever feel if it's not his body under mine, and why would i ever taste if it's not his lips?
I cursed myself with his lingering memory, with the shiver of a forbidden love that made my bones shake, and now I couldn't live without him.
I felt like a drug-addict, yearning for anything that could even resemble the feeling of him.
"I'll come every few months to see you, i promise." He said only loud enough for me to hear it.
"I will never stop loving you, Karl Jacobs."
I mumbled as i saw the train arrive and stop in front of us in a sluggish, painful way.
Then i allowed myself a glimpse of him, and before he could walk away i pulled him close to me and hid in his neck.
"Promise me you'll call me mine." He cried as his nails dug in my clothes.
"Watch the moon at night and i'll be waiting on the other side; Its light will kiss your smile for me." I whispered, releasing him and watching as he slowly slipped away from me and disappeared behind the closing doors.
That was it. The moment i had been fearing for a month now just slammed into my face.
I started shuddering, and my eyes swelled with impatient tears as i held onto the photos in my pocket.
I dragged myself towards my house, lacking of any energy or balance to get on my bike.
I was like a drunk, pathetically lurching right and left as if every step brought me to the verge of falling, and i held my sobs, afraid that if i had let them escape my soul would have accompanied them; I was scared that, by washing my eyes off with salty tears, I would have smudged the image of him i had traced so many times in my mind.
I was desperately searching everywhere to find something that reminded me of him, but every step took me further from his smiles and each breath was a cold sting that left me empty.
I kept walking like a ghost, my mind empty, aware that if i started thinking the subject would have been one and one only.
After a few minutes i found myself in front of my doorstep, and as i closed the door behind me the quiet warped me.
It hurt my ears. His hums throughout the house were missing, his feathered steps and his giggles were just...gone.
That was it.
I fell to my knees and just screamed. I screamed and ripped my hair off, then started punching the floor and hitting anything i could reach.
Fucking gone.
I cried until my eyes hurt, knowing no one would have been there to wipe my cheeks and caress my trembling body.
Would he have hesitated before forgetting me?
Was i ever good enough? Special enough?
The boy of a hundred talents, that what he was.
He could do anything and everything, he could have gotten anyone.
Yet he chose me.
Was it gonna be like that forever?
I wasn't ugly or pretty, stupid or intelligent, i wasn't full of talents.
I was a useless being, capable only of surviving.
And loving.
But was that gonna be enough?
I slowly let myself fall on the floor.
Right there, in front of the entrance, laying limp like a dead body and keeping the thin photos between my fingers, as if it was the only thread that could still pump life into my soul.
--
That late afternoon i got woken up by someone violently shaking my shoulders.
I slowly opened my eyes, the light burning them.
"Sap? Sap, are you okay?"
I fixed myself so i would have sat up, instinctively looking for Karl near me but only finding cold tiles.
I blinked a few times, suddently realizing that what happened wasn't a terrible nightmare, but my life from then on.
I just couldn't hold myself, so I started laughing.
It was ridiculous. Fucking ridiculous.
He simply looked at me if i was crazy.
"He's gone." I stated with a smile, because if i didn't smile i would have screamed again.
"He's fucking gone Ran, he's gone and he will forget about me." I whined, my face contorcing in an ugly expression as tears began running down my face.
His eyes filled with worry, the one of someone who doesn't know what to say.
And what are you supposed to say to something like this?
He just shook his head and hugged me, helping me stand up and gently bringing me to my room, tucking me in the bed as if i was his little brother.
"He won't forget about you, he loves you too much." He whispered before kissing my forehead.
I let a warm tear slip from my eye and caress my temple.
"Did you come home alone?" I asked after a few seconds.
"No, Dream accompanied me but left me before the entrance."
"Okay, good. I would have killed him if he left you alone." I sniffled.
He just laughed.
"Rest a little bit, big brother." He said before slipping behind the door.
I let my heavy eyelids fall in hope that once i opened them i would have found him besides me.
--
2210 words.
ok so ummm it took me kind of a lot because i studied all week im a fucking nerd im a loser shoot me
Next chapters will have changes of POV but ill try to put one pov each chapter because i dont know writing different points of view in one chapter annoys me.
This is just starting hold on your boots bec its getting juicy ( i keep saying this) character introduction in next chapter letsgoooo!!!