I've tried to think about God being someone that decided your luck. Austin believes that God only gives you what you can handle, which is something I will let him believe. It's not like I can force him to think differently, it's what he believes and what he looks up to.
But the closer I become to not believing in a higher power, the more "luck" becomes bullshit to me. Well, "luck" from the higher power. It's tough though, to claim that luck is real thing because I don't believe in someone creating a situation for me to be "lucky" in. But then again, it's not luck if somebody knows about it. And if God created my luck, he knew about it, and that, is not luck. That is a set up situation. There is no luck involved with someone controlling it.
For religious people, that is life. What I define as luck with a higher power is not luck; it is the world they live in. God created situations for them, that He put you in that scenario. That is not luck. That "luck" is a controlled environment.
That's if you believe in God in the first place.
So how does luck happen if it's completely random and not planned out for you by a higher?
Well, how does situational irony happen?
I don't know!
Ha, I've been pondering the thought of luck for a while.
Doesn't shit just happen in life?
So if we call it happenstance, and that things just happen, is it luck? Or happenstance?
I wish I could claim that luck is controlled, it would make so much more sense. That God created a situation where you wake up, have a shitty ass day and then on your way home, an ice cream truck runs into you and you win a lawsuit for 500,000 dollars. It's so easy to claim that a higher person planned that out and that you were lucky it happened.
But again. Luck isn't controllable.
So, no, I don't think Marnie was unlucky that she was depressed. I think Marnie happened to be unhappy with her life, she surrounded herself around things that made her unhappy.
She is not unlucky it happened to her
Nor am I unlucky because she is dead. I'm unlucky because I didn't catch her in time, because that just happened with no control. No one controlled her to feel that way and because I didn't stop it, that was unlucky.
Nor was it lucky that I ran into Harry at the bookstore, but I was lucky because he liked me back.
But that is part of my insecurity, does that mean my luck is different than others?
Well, duh, my brother thinks his luck is because of God.
My mom doesn't believe in luck.
Of course it's different.
I just wish this topic made more sense to me.
March 11th, 2012
"I just don't like that it took you a long time to respond" I finally say after long moments of silence together. My back is still towards Harry but he sits next to me with his hand on my back. "I had a long day and I just wanted, I just I don't know. I just didn't like how you didn't respond" I stutter, "I wanted you to just like tell her off for her trying to give you her number"
"I can't read your mind Taylor" he comments. Of course he comments like a boy. Not like a man where he says I'm so sorry I know that probably wasn't what you wanted to hear, or see. I'm not sure why I stuttered, especially when I have you. It shouldn't even have been a thought
But no, I get a, I'm a man and I have no faults and it's now about pleasing me, not doing whats right
It's not hard to please a girl. It's always been a joke about how we are all so "fucking complicated" but honestly, I just wanted him to apologize for what I feel that he did wrong.
There are plenty of times where I've seen myself right in a situation but I've seen it bothers him, and that he didn't like the way I did something, but I didn't respond with "I don't know what you want. I can't please you"
No, I grew a pair and apologized because even though it's a punch to my pride, it makes him happy and really, in the long run I don't remember why I was mad at him. I don't know why it's so hard for him just to do the same.
I just feel like a relationship isn't always about ourselves, I now have to put Harry into account when I do things. Which I don't have a problem with it, because I love him and that how I know. Is that I do things I necessarily wouldn't like to do, but because he likes it, I do.
So why has this argument turned into "reading my mind"
He doesn't have to read my mind to know that it didn't make me happy.
"Okay, I know that wasn't the right thing to say" he admits, "I can tell by your silence"
Finally.
Fucking boy.
"I hear that it bothered you that I stuttered with this girl and the number situation. And I understand. I would feel the same way if you thought twice when a guy gave you his number. In all honesty, I would be fucking livid." He sits for a moment, "just like you are now"
I nod, showing that he's finally making sense and "reading my mind"
"I am sorry that I didn't shut her down immediately. I don't know what was going through my head at that point. I think I was staring at you to be completely honest. I just couldn't get over how cute you looked today"
Okay, that made me smile. I'm not going to lie with that one.
"If I were actually paying attention I would have ripped up that paper and thrown it in her face and then run with you back home. It was not my intention to make you feel this way and I am terribly sorry."
Now was that so hard Harry? I don't think so.
He continues to rub my back and I take a deep breath, I of course forgive him because it was everything I wanted to hear and it didn't feel like I was pulling teeth.
"And I can tell that it kind of hit your soft spot with my past and you thinking you're not good enough," he sighs and I do as well. Only four months together and he knows me better than I know me, "I can understand that. I can, but you need to know that you are too cute and wonderful and perfect for me to want anyone else ever again. Does that sound good to you?"
I let out a light laugh and nod
"Good, now tell me the same" he turns me over and my eyes meet his beautiful little smile, "I want a confidence booster too"
"You're cute and funny and I really like you"
"You only like me?" he smiles
"I really really like you"
"Oh that means so much" he laughs and leans down to give me a kiss, "I feel so much more complete" he places another kiss on my lips, "more and more"
I giggle and push his chest up, "go get your pajamas on, I wanna cuddle" I comment and he smiles
"I'm sorry, did Taylor Swift just give me orders?"
"Yes. Now go"
"Where is my quiet shy girlfriend and what did you do with her?" he runs back over and jumps on the bed, tickling my sides, "Taylor?! Where did you go?"
"You've corrupted her, she's gone" I say through laughs, trying to hold his hands away, "I'm now bossy and needy" I keep laughing and he starts to laugh too, "you've done this to me"
"Well I like it so I can't complain" he laughs and drool falls from his mouth
"Ew! Harry"
He keeps laughing and wipes his mouth, "sorry, you're just so mouthwatering sexy"
"That is the weirdest and most disgusting thing I've ever heard you say. Now get off of me and wipe your mouth"
He keeps laughing into the hallway and across to the bathroom. I wipe the spit off my shirt and head to the kitchen to grab some water before bed. A bag of popcorn catches my eye and I take it off my counter.
Maybe I am hungry since I was too suborn to eat at dinner, and yeah, maybe popcorn sounds amazing right now.
After the semi fight/makeup, I'm not really tired, I really just want to spend all my time with Harry. We don't spend much time together, alone.
I mean, we have spent a lot of time together, but to me it seems like the only time were alone is when we're sleeping or getting ready for school. Niall is always over, or I'm always at work or he goes home and helps with his mum for the day. I just want to lay on the couch and put my legs in between his and watch some casual mind numbing TV.
I don't even need to speak to him, I just need to be held by him. Be kissed on the top of my head by him and share the warmth of our bodies together. It's more than just sleeping, because he's awake and feels me the same way I do him. Whereas when we're sleeping, I feel that only for a few moments before I'm asleep in his arms.
The bag is popping in the microwave when Harry comes out of the bathroom with brushed teeth and his typical shorts for bed.
"Popcorn?" he asks and heads to my fridge, grabbing a water as well
"Do you wanna watch a movie?" I plainly ask and he smiles
"What would you like to watch?"
"I'm not sure, maybe like Grease, ooh ooh! The Breakfast Club" I smile and run to my room, grabbing my DVD case.
"The what?" Harry grabs the popcorn from my microwave and walks over to the living room
"Have you not seen The Breakfast Club?" I say, astonished, he shakes his head, "it's like one of the best movies in the world. What about Sixteen Candles?" I ask and he shakes his head again, "Ducky!?" I yell and he shakes his head again. "You have been so deprived my friend."
"Oh, have I now?"
"Yes Harry, yes you have. If I teach you one thing in your life, it's what a good movie is"
He laughs and sits on the couch, waiting for me to put the DVD in and come sit with him. He puts his arm around me and I put my legs in his, dangling from the couch and the popcorn bowl sits on our laps. He kisses me once and then twice for good measure.
I have to admit, I did not give Harry enough credit for his apology tonight. I was expecting a half assed "I guess I'm sorry" kind of thing just like the way he started. I didn't expect him to make me feel better about myself and I for sure didn't expect for me to accept his apology so quickly.
It's something about Harry though. Maybe it's his smile or his small laugh he does when he doesn't want to laugh too hard but show that he was amused. Or maybe it's the way he pushes his hair back so swiftly with James Dean look he has to him.
Maybe it's his eyes that in no matter what situation, I can find them in. The more I see his soft green emerald eyes, the more comfortable I am with him.
But in reality, I forgave him probably because he said the right thing. He said exactly what I wanted to hear and more. Not only did he surprise me with his words, he made me fall even more in love with him by the way he handled the situation.
It could have gone in flames and it could have ended so badly I would be crying alone right now. But it didn't, because Harry is a man. He knows how to please a women and not bullshit her at the same time.
"Hey, you don't work this weekend, right?" he whispers over the movie and I look up at him, shaking my head, "okay good. Clear your plans because I have a plan for us, okay?"
"Okay" I smile and kiss him once more before watching the rest of the movie.