"Where will you go?" Ajax asks. The forest is alive with the chirp of hundreds of crickets and the melodic cacophony of songbirds. Trees dance together as the wind sails through their branches, ruffling the curls framing my face. Ever wild.
Though my departure from the kingdom is a decision I've made, his question wraps around my heart, stopping it for a beat. I draw in a breath, staring off into the endless maze of green ahead of me, around me, behind me. The southern forest, the place that was once my father's peace, envelopes its phantom arms around me, keeping me together when every instinct urges me to fall apart.
"Anywhere," I say, my chest only a sliver away from caving. "Perhaps I will join Callisto in the Wilderness and live off the land. Or maybe I will make my way to the Red Movement building and... turn it into a place of my own. It doesn't matter. I just want to be... I want to be anywhere my name doesn't sound like a curse or the title of a story told to scare small children."
Ajax takes in the weight of the words, his lips pressed together. "We will cremate...the body tonight." He shifts and glances at me. "Will you be there?"
Something snaps in the recesses of the forest. My stomach lurches and my chest tightens. "I will be gone."
He tilts his head. "Are you sure you don't want to be there? It might help with the closure. The Wilderness will still be there tomorrow. You don't need to rush."
No. I need to run. I need to flee, as fast, and as far as possible.
"Same with the kingdom. It will always be here if I ever want to come back," I say, leaning my head on his shoulder.
He presses a kiss to the top of my hair. "You will always be welcome back here, Elle. I hope you will return."
"You must write to me," I say, my lip quivering as tears prickle my eyes. "Send me Mercurees. Tell me everything. Write it all down. I want to know the good and the bad. I want to know if you find love. You of all people deserve to be loved deeply, Ajax."
He kisses my temple again. "It might be a little challenging given I don't have a physical desire for anyone. But perhaps someone will be willing to give me a soft, long romance."
I smile, breathing in the smell of my friend, a hint of vanilla and sandalwood. Perhaps in another life, he and I would have fallen in love. My heart aches at the thought.
"What about you?" I reach out and brush a strand of black hair away from his glacial eyes. "What will you do?"
He picks at the twigs sticking up from the earth. "I'll stay here. I should stay and help the city recover and rebuild."
"Again?" I release a soft laugh.
Ajax hangs his head, chuckling. "I have a knack for rebuilding city walls and helping everyone get their shit together."
"Will you try to become a leader again?"
He thinks about it for a moment, brows pinched. "I think we will try establishing a group of leaders. A city that governs itself, with a council. Besides, you quite literally destroyed the throne and the palace. But luckily, the sheep farmer has, one, discovered I was living in his attic and, two, agreed to let me stay." Ajax laughs and I cringe. "Perhaps each citizen can have a turn at sitting within the council. Or they can vote for who takes a seat. I don't want just one person to simply rule. And Elle, your sheer stupid bravery and cunning propelled me into my leadership roles. You inspired me. Gave me the courage to believe in myself, too. Thank you."
Tiny phantom needles shoot through my chest and rake down my spine. Part of me wishes I could stick around to witness the change. But I've made my decision.
"Elle, I need you to make a promise to me, too," he says, his voice cracking.
Neither of us is ready to say goodbye.
"What is it?" A tear slips down my cheek.
His eyes water and he sniffs, a tremble rippling through his body. "Forgive yourself. You can be forgiven, Elle Fallon. I believe it."
I look at my friend, taking in the lines of his face, memorising the blue eyes and the slight tilt of his lips. "I will."
"Good." He stands up, and pulls a thick knife from his belt, placing the hilt into my hand. Ajax gestures his head to the tree trunk with my parents' initials carved into the wood. "Time to make your mark."
I shoot him a funny look. "I'm not dead. Or am I?"
"You're still here. But I thought, if in the future, any young girls venture into the forest, they might see your name, and remember the story of a girl who loved so deeply, of a girl who acted with courage and fire, of a girl who risked her neck to save her sister."
My hand flies to my heart, grazing my ribs. "I didn't save her."
"Well, you certainly saved me. You saved Ruben. You saved Edward... from his own demons." A quiet gasp catches in my throat as my body startles. Edward.
And yet, a strange feeling sinks deep into my gut. Warm and unfamiliar, shrouding the utter screaming, icy pain that has torn me open since he left. With a shaky breath, I pace to the tree and carve my name into it, just below my parents' initials.
I taste the salt of my tears and blink the blur away. "And now, I choose to save myself."
--
The floorboards creak as I step into my old apartment. Tendrils of mildew and mould grow and stretch with reckless abandon across the room, invading my nose with their rich stench. Aston stands before that beloved arched window in the living room, his translucent reflection glinting back at me as he peers down into the street.
"You are going," he says, his voice gruff and cold as if it's threaded by the very wind that whips at the old, weathered glass.
I give my head a shake and close the space between us, standing beside him. My oldest friend pulls me into a hug and doesn't bother to hide his weeps. The sound of it, the feeling of his tears soaking into my shoulder releases something primal within me. I allow myself to indulge in my grief for a few moments, while I am safe with him.
There, as the sun crawls above the crest of the Walls in the distance, sweeping the city in warmth, we cry together, releasing the lamenting, raging tempest of shadows and screams.
Aston holds me. We hold each other. As we always have.
"I hope you will find what you are looking for, Elle," he says.
My heart splits. "I am not sure what it is I'm looking for. Something between happiness and forgiveness."
"That sounds a lot like peace."
Peace.
The word settles into my soul like a long night of rain.
Can I allow myself peace? Do I deserve it?
Yes, I must.
Yes, I do.
Aston inclines his head at the group of young men dressed in their armour marching down the street, their old Tranq spears pinned to their backs. "I am going to become commander of the army," Aston says, clearing his throat. "Ruben... Ruben is stepping down. He said I should take the role."
A smile breaks onto my face and I raise my brows, excitement, and pride swelling in my chest. "Aston! I cannot think of a better person for the role. You will be an excellent commander. Although, I hope you aren't preparing for another war. We've had enough for now."
He beams, showing his teeth and the corners of his eyes crinkle. "As long as you don't get yourself involved."
My mouth falls open and I swat him. "The cheek! Don't worry, I'll keep my blades and angst away from the city."
"I will miss you, Elle," he says. "I hope we will cross paths again."
I kiss his cheek. "Aston Sallow, look at all we have survived. This isn't the end of Elle and Aston. I can only hope that you will find happiness, too. Lead with your heart. Fall in love. Look after yourself. And please write to me."
Pink flushes his cheek. "I will write. Perhaps there will be a handsome soldier awaiting me upon my first day."
"I certainly hope so."
The question crackles over my tongue and I don't bother to keep it buried. "Have you seen Ruben?"
Aston shoots me a look, quirking his brows. "I have. We had an ale together last night."
I suck in a harsh breath. "I haven't been able to face him since... Edward."
"Do you want to see him?"
Do I?
Part of me wants to evict him from my heart forever. But I am not sure I am strong enough to let him go. Nor do I want to. Not anymore.
I don't want to be alone.
"We've been through so much," I say, my voice cracking, placing my hands on the window ledge. "I have changed so much. No longer the girl who defied his father and accidentally ignited a rebellion just because I wanted my sister to live. I have lost so many parts of myself and I'm not sure I am ready to let him in again completely."
Aston nods, smiling at a flock of children shrieking and chasing one another down the street. "I think you want him again. Even if you have changed. People can change and grow together."
As the children stampede away, I smile fleetingly at the thought of Aston one day becoming a father. It is possible now that no one would tear him away from them. No more orphans of exile, and now, hopefully, no more of war, too. "I will head to the train. Can you tell Ruben he can meet me there? He can make the choice to join me, or not. If he's not there by sunset, I'll know my answer, and at least, I won't have to say goodbye to him. But I am not waiting. I am choosing myself."
"Of course, I'll head to the bar and tell him now. And I will keep my name on this apartment," Aston says, putting his large hand over mine. "So that if you ever decide to come back, you can return home."
"Thank you. For everything." The world within me is unsteady. "I don't think I'd have survived my parents' exile if it weren't for you. You quite literally saved me from the darkness, and I am forever grateful."
A tear slips down his cheek. "Be happy, Elle Fallon. Be happy and I will, too."
--
I stand just before the threshold of the southern forest, dressed in my black pants, a long-sleeved tunic, and my father's coat. The belt holds my array of knives, including my father's, the one with the Fallon family crest; the two twisting serpents. Fitting. The Fallons, at least my father and I, have certainly been snakes all this time. I have shed many layers of myself, using poison and fangs in trying to save the ones I love. Against my back, I have my father's sword, with the same crest. I also wear a small rucksack, with enough food and water for a little while... a good start for wherever I am going.
I turn back, for only a few moments, to bid goodbye to the Convex Sector. The crisscross of muddy brown buildings and streets stretches out into the horizon, flanking the thriving potato fields and farmland.
It's time to find out who I am now. After the walls are behind me, perhaps I truly can be forgiven. Perhaps I can be free from all the shackles that have kept me within.
The forest welcomes me one last time, into its shadows. The airy bird song fills the space between creaks and rustles. Tiny fluffy animals dart up trunks and into burrows. I leap over gurgling streams, over thickets of overgrown roots and my heart thumps to a steady, hopeful beat. For the first time in a while, as I break into a run, the wind rushing past my face, turning my hair into dancing flames, I feel like myself again. A grin breaks onto my face as I whoop, passing the tree of names, and make my way further, deeper into the forest.
Finally, I arrive at the southernmost Walls. My pulse thrums and my stomach winds into knots as I glance up, watching the fiery hues bruise the sky.
I turn around, blowing out my cheeks as I lean against the Walls.
And I wait.
Not for long, I tell myself.
Once that sun dips past the Walls, I'm gone.
It inches further and further down, slipping away and I brace myself to let him go once and for all.
But then, a figure materialises in the shadows ahead. That dark head of hair, bounces up and down as he runs. Those eyes match the trees around him. My heart aches.
"Elle!" he says, jogging up to me, his quiver rattling against his bows and back.
I stumble forward, tears spilling as I reach out, grab his face, and kiss him. Really kiss him. The wind sighs as light explodes through my veins and something awakens in my chest, in my soul, telling me that I am finally home.
Ruben pulls away, tilting his head. "You ready?"
"Are you?" I ask, my heart still alive with the rush of it all.
He takes my chin with one hand and tucks a curl behind my ear with the other. "I need to know who I am, without the shadows of my father or... the ghost of my brother hanging around me. But most of all, I want to simply be. Do you think it's possible? I... I still get nightmares, the lingering side effects of the shadowteeth poisoning. And I don't expect you to want me back, all at once. We can... move slowly. Besides, we have a little sliver of forever."
Those forest eyes, the ones I have loved so much, carry the weight of everything, still. The little boy who was forced to starve in the dungeons. The teenager who never really knew what it was like to be loved. His father only ever showed him misery, reminding him they shared the same carved path.
"I get nightmares, too. We can learn to heal. Now take my hand."
He does, and together, we climb down the stairs, into the bunker and board the awaiting train. Oil lamps flick on, gilding his face with a warm glow. Ruben catches my gaze and smiles.
"We heal," he says.
"We heal."
And the train jolts forward. A hum whirs around us, growing in intensity like the storm that once billowed in my chest. Now, it's only a little rain. The engine picks up speed, hurling through the tunnels under the lake. A deep tremoring call reverberates through the cars and my ribs, and I smile. The shadowteeth saying her goodbye.
Ruben and I make our way between the cars until we reach the engine car. We climb the ladder one by one, poking out onto the roof as the train emerges from the underground tunnel tracks and ploughs across the earth. Gusts blunder past, almost knocking us off. But we grip the posts protruding from the roof. Ruben whoops and my hair is whipping flames. A wild laugh flies from my heart and I grin. Here we go.
The train engine roars and bellows around us, and I glance back at the city, one last time. For a moment, for a fleeting breath, I catch the blurry silhouette of what looks like a figure perched on the top of the Walls, watching us go. The air wrenches from my lungs. But I smile and turn back, holding Ruben's arm as we barrel across the Wilderness, towards the stars, the sky, the freedom, the forgiveness. Towards it all.