"Abigail?" Mr. Fitzpatrick prompted.
I stood at the front of the classroom, staring back at my fellow members of the senior class as they peered at me in an early-morning haze. It was 8:30 AM on the first of September, first period Economics. I was the new girl, starting the school year a month late.
"Abby," I corrected automatically. "Just Abby."
"Would you like to tell us a little about yourself, Abby?"
I knew this would happen, having to talk about myself, but I still felt anxiety flood in my veins. I forced a smile, regardless. "Sure. I'm eighteen, I just moved here from Sacramento, and I love volleyball."
Mr. Fitzpatrick looked at me encouragingly. "Go on."
More panic built up inside of me. What else did he want? I thought that would have been enough. I should have prepared more! "My hair is naturally this color," I added hesitantly, thinking about the question I'm usually asked about my dark red hair. "I really like soda, and um." I wracked my brain for any information about myself. Why couldn't I think of anything? Was I really so uninteresting? "I've never left the country?" I offered and turned helplessly to my new teacher. "That's honestly all I can think of."
He broke into a playful grin. "Good job, Abby," he said, teasing, "You passed."
I smiled awkwardly. I'd like to shut up now and disappear.
No, I chastised myself. No disappearing. I didn't have to be invisible anymore. I could be anyone or anything I wanted to be. I had all the freedom in the world now.
I had exactly one school year to try socializing as myself, then everyone here would all scatter to the wind for college and adult life. If things went poorly, then I'd never have to talk to these people again. But if things went well, then I knew I could do the socializing as myself thing, and I could chose to stay in contact with these potential friends. It was a good experiment, and I wanted to try it out. I needed to try it out.
"Why don't you take that empty seat, next to Mina? She can help you get caught up."
I made my way over to the seat he was indicating, next to a smiling Asian girl with hot pink hair.
"Hey," the girl said as I sat down. "Welcome. I'm Mina."
I smiled back. She had a really nice smile, radiating kindness, and I soaked it up like a sponge. "Hi," I whispered back, sliding into my seat. I sat ramrod straight on the edge of my seat, then forcibly relaxed my shoulders and eased back. I was okay, I reminded myself. Chill out.
"There's a book under your chair," Mina said, pointing underneath me. When I pulled the old, battered textbook out, she told me, "Page 36."
"Thanks."
This was good. This was okay. I dove into the textbook, skimming along as we read and Mr. Fitzpatrick lectured. I had spent the last month doing online school to keep up, knowing I would be moving. My case worker had made sure I stayed on top of the curriculum so when I did finally attend this new school, I wouldn't be behind. She knew I didn't need any other distractions than simply existing in a public space. I'd been ahead in my classes online, so thankfully I was already well versed in what we were learning in Econ.
Mr. Fitzpatrick ended the lecture with a few minutes to spare before the bell rang. Mina turned to me again with another smile. "You keeping up okay? This stuff is so confusing to me, I can't imagine just being dropped into it."
"Yeah," I replied. "I don't really like it, but I think I'll do okay settling into the work."
"Good. If you have any questions, you're welcome to ask me. I won't know any answers, but you're welcome to ask." We both laughed. I couldn't believe she was so nice. "Oh, hey," she added, "you said you're into volleyball."
"Yeah, I used to play at my old school." Mina looked me up and down, not in a mean way, but in surprise. I was painfully skinny. "It's been a little while, I guess," I admitted with a shrug.
"Are you interested in playing again?" she asked.
I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Did they have a team? The season already would have started. "Super interested, yeah."
"Well, you came to the right place, then. I just so happen to rule our volleyball team."
"You rule it?" I asked, confused.
"Okay, I'm co-captain, so I share my rule with Hailey Matthews," she relented with an eye roll. "But I am the more benevolent ruler. And I say we should talk to Coach, see if she can fit you in, maybe as an alternate or something."
I perked up at her words. "Really? You think they'd do that?"
"You'd have to try out, of course."
"Of course."
"I say more the merrier." She patted my hand where it rested on the desk. "I'll talk to Coach at practice tonight, see if we can set something up."
"Thank you," I replied, beaming. "That's really nice of you."
"Stick with me, kid," she said and did something I thought was supposed to be a wink. It was more of a face spasm with a wrinkled nose. "I'll set you up for success here."
The bell rang then, and we both stood, gathering stuff. "I'll see you around, okay? I'm sure we'll have more classes together. It's a small school," she said.
"Thanks, Mina." I was so grateful for her friendliness.
"See you," she replied and ducked out the door.
Wow. First period, and I'd already had a friendly conversation. See, I told myself. This is going to work out.
Things certainly couldn't be worse than what I was used to.
This was it. 12:15 pm. Lunch time. Rare rain was forcing everyone to sit in the cafeteria rather than spread across our outdoor campus.
My mission: instead of hanging back by myself, find someone to sit with.
I scanned the tables and my peers lounging around them.
There was the table I wanted to go to—the one with no one around. All empty but for a few kids with their heads in books, or earphones in. The guy I sat next to in Statistics as well as Advance Placement English was there. He was quiet, and hadn't said a word to me. He wouldn't talk to me if I sat down over there, probably. I could be by myself there. It would be a relief to sit by myself.
It wasn't always this way. There was a time when I had friends that I actually spent time with, who enjoyed my company as well. I had a best friend in elementary and middle school, Lexie, someone I loved and spent all my time with. That all changed sophomore year of high school though, when the time came I was required to sit alone.
But all that was in the past, and I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do now, whenever I wanted to do it, with whoever I wanted to do it with. I thought it would be so emotionally liberating, so exciting, but I was wrong. This was torture. Who was I to make good decisions? It'd been so long since I'd made any for my own, I wondered where my moral compass even lay.
Plus, I had no clue what I wanted. Moreover, I had no idea how to get it. But it was time to try. I hadn't slept the night before, thinking it over, but was still lost as to any sort of plan. I didn't know how to make friends anymore, and I felt lost and defeated when I imagined the process, but I wanted to engage with people.
So, there I was, lunch period at my new school, and I was officially going to engage.
I went back to scanning the tables. Football team and cheerleaders—no empty seats. Didn't want to go there anyway. The stoners—seats available, but I wasn't interested in drugs. Girl cliques—not the way to go either. Then I spotted the girl with the bright pink hair: Mina, my partner in Econ. She'd been nice to me, talking with me like I mattered, helping me out cheerfully. Holding her hand from the seat next to hers was Dylan, a boy in my AP English class. He'd seemed nice. They were both outgoing and talkative, so if I hung out with them, I probably wouldn't have to say much. Seemed like a win-win.
Okay. Deep breaths.
I walked on Jell-O legs to the table, stopping by the empty bench seat next to Mina. It didn't take her long to see me standing there awkwardly, and when she did, her face broke out into a smile. "Abby! How are you?"
"Alright," I replied, rocking back on my heels. "Would it be okay if I—?" I gestured to the empty spot.
"Oh, yeah! Pull up a seat," she encouraged.
Relief flooded through me. Okay. Wow. That was way easier than I thought it would be. I put my bag down next to me, pulling out the generic brand orange soda that was my lunch.
"We were just talking about Chemistry with Mr. Dunlap. Do you have it?" Mina asked.
I shook my head. "No, I took Chemistry my sophomore year in Sacramento."
"Ugh, it's the worst," another boy at the table said. "He spits."
Dylan turned to me. "You're smart, aren't you? You're in AP classes, so you must be."
"What? Um. Yeah." I shrugged, feeling self-conscious. "I guess I'm alright."
"What's your GPA?"
"Oh. Well," I said, even more uncomfortable. "4.0. But I had an abundance of time to study last year."
"Good for you!" Dylan raised his hand for a high five. Feeling both silly and thankful, I slapped his hand.
Conversation flowed easily after that. They talked and joked with me, making me feel welcome without being the center of attention. I smiled and enjoyed myself immensely.
I was still smiling as I got in my beat-up Toyota and left the school parking lot that afternoon. I got the car through a charity program for only a couple hundred dollars and loved every broken part of it. It drove, and that was the only thing that mattered, being able to get from point A to point B.
First stop: pick up Nate from the elementary school.
It was part of the deal I struck just a few weeks ago. I was looking to get out of Sacramento, and my cousin Birdie who lived a few hours north volunteered to take me in. Her husband had died the year before, and was looking for some help with her son, eight year old Nate. She worked until seven in the evening, so she needed someone for afternoon and early evening care for Nate. I was more than happy to take the job in exchange for a safe, peaceful home.
So after school, I would pick up Nate when the elementary school got out, take him home, and look after him for a few hours. He'd been spending the evenings in childcare, so having me around would be a big save on money. I was kind of intimidated with the idea of entertaining a kid for a few hours every day, but Birdie was sure that I'd do well. He was a good kid, after all. At least from what I'd learned since moving in three days prior.
That afternoon, I was leaning against my car as I waited for Nate. When he saw me as he left the school, he shouted and ran towards me in excitement, his too-large backpack bouncing against him.
My heart swelled and tears pricked my eyes at his pleasure at seeing me. I'd never been loved in such an innocent way before. Kids just give and give, and my fractured soul healed just a little at the love and attention this sweet kid gave me.
"Abby!" Nate called, running up to me. "I got an A on my multiplication table test today!"
"That's amazing, Nate!" I cheered in excitement. "I'm so proud of you!"
He beamed up at me. "I remembered the trick you taught me about the fives so I got them all right!"
I raised my hand for a high five and he slapped my palm hard with excitement. We got in the car, and I just listened as he chattered on and on about his third grade day. I found myself very invested in the eight year old playground politics.
Nate asked me, "Can we have mac and cheese for dinner tonight?" It was a question that he had asked Birdie every night that I had been there. She'd always said no, that they couldn't have a diet of nothing but mac and cheese like he wanted, but I thought he'd earned it that day. I was so excited about his math test. We'd worked hard together that weekend studying and quizzing in anticipation. I was so glad it paid off, just to see the way he was proud of himself.
I smiled at him in the rearview mirror. "You got it, bud."