Josh
In a week or so I will be exactly 5 months along. It's crazy how fast time has flown by since the end of August when Matt and I had sex.
This week is my Christmas performance, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. I haven't thought about what to get Matt yet. I haven't had time to. I have been busy with rehearsals and the set list for the Christmas show. I had a 3-day freak out about the blood test results and cried in Matt's lap because I was too scared to see if my baby would have autism or Down syndrome. I didn't look at the results because having a baby is just love, not for how healthy they are. My doctor let me know that I do not have gestational diabetes which is amazing, despite my diet. And then, last Friday, Olivia put out a Christmas song about being single on Xmas. Apparently, people are still immature and idiotic haters, they thought the song was about targeting me. I couldn't even go to the mall to buy a gift without seeing a billboard of Olivia's song cover or hearing it. So, no Christmas gift shopping for me.
I would do it the old-fashioned way, and write him a song but I don't have time to. Between the album coming out in February, my doctor check-in appointments, and my performance. I am busy until after February 14th of next year. I also still get hate. I deleted my socials though. It's not enough to stop the hate.
I really miss my parents. They are my #1 supporter besides Matt.
Matt already booked plane tickets to go home to visit family in Arkansas in January. I decided to stay back in Atlanta. I think a plane ride and the whole airport mess is too much for me. I also need to do press meetings and interviews for the album release.
It will give me a chance to be productive without having Matt as a distraction.
He's not a distraction but sometimes he is when he comes to the studio with me.
Today, Matt and I are going to try to go to church since it's Sunday. This week is packed with rehearsals, the performance, and other events so we can't do church on Christmas Eve or day.
Besides, I want to take Junior to church and see if he likes the sound of the choir and organ.
We haven't decided on a name yet. So, I am calling him Junior until we decide.
"Josh, you need to wear more layered clothing. It's only 55 degrees out today and you cannot get sick." I look over towards the bathroom door where Matt is walking out wearing an auburn knit sweater and jeans.
"Yes, mother." I roll my eyes at him since my mood swings have heightened.
"Stop being sassy and dramatic, babe." I watch him lean over for a kiss on the lips before we exchange spots so that I can change and use the toilet.
"Hand me your navy sweater please, babe." I give him the puppy-eye look while he groans in disgust because I keep stealing his clothes.
I have outgrown a lot of mine. Besides, his are XL and more comfy.
"I'm only letting you wear it to church because I love you," I watch him stick his tongue at me and let me shut the bathroom door.
During the car ride to church, I check my phone for texts from my family. My sisters spammed me with potential baby boy names, my parents left a voicemail since they aren't the best at text messages, and Sof and Say sent Christmas videos. Oh, and Adrian sent me a demo of his song but I can't share it with anyone.
Before, I hop out of the car to go to service, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, and look down at the text.
There's a link to a video of Liamini pointing to several different stuffed animals in a toy store and at the end of the video she is asking me which one she should get with her allowance for the baby.
It's so sweet. She's like my baby sister.
I have to get her something for Christmas when I get a chance to shop.
"You good, Josh?" I feel Matt nudge my shoulder since we haven't been to church together since I got pregnant.
I think the last time we went together was maybe March or June of this year. He was still shooting his series finale of that show that they still needed to do post-production for.
"I am." I nod my hand and take his hand since it's an LGBTQ+ safe space church.
"Please tell me if it's too overwhelming or if people are staring. We can leave early and get lunch. It's okay to leave early. I don't want you to push yourself to do things since it's a big week." I face him as we stand by a pillar by the church doors.
"I'm fine, Matt. Let's go before we have to sit in the back where we can't hear anything." I give him a quick peck on the lips since it's a religious building and squeeze his hand.
I love that he cares about my mental health and looks out for my well-being. He's the best boyfriend I could ever ask for.
We decided to sit in the third to last pew. It's the perfect space since people can't stare at my bump in the back row and a place to hide since we have a following on socials.
Thankfully, this church is intimate and in a small neighborhood. It's not like the ones back in LA that are full of 200+ people where I could get noticed.
Half of the people who attend this church are elderly and the other half are parents or adults who are single.
I'm safe from paparazzi and screaming fans.
While the pastor reads from the bible, I place my hand on my bump that is hidden under Matt's XL sweater that I stole. I feel a little electric flutter in my lower abdomen. It's not painful. It's like the baby is saying hi or I'm here.
Without saying a word, I put Matt's hand on top of my bump to let him feel the interaction. Beside us, there's an elderly woman who I met on one of my neighborhood walks. I watch her smile slightly while Matt touches my bump.
I am happy that elderly people in the church are accepting of my MPREG disorder.
"I think he likes this church." I hear Matt whisper as quietly as he can since the pastor is still speaking.
I nod my head and smile back at him.
Yeah, I think Junior likes church too. His name won't be Junior when we take him but then I can introduce him to the nice elderly people in this community.
Once the service is over, I excuse myself for a bathroom break since there's one in the back of the church where children's bible study is since it's separate from adult service.
After using the toilet, I wash my hands by the sink and feel a wave of dizziness and pain in my lower back. I close my eyes for a moment and lean against the tile wall. I don't know if this is normal closer to month 5 of pregnancy.
It's not really pain, just a lot of discomfort in my lower abdomen and belly.
"Junior, please give be a calm baby. That's all I want for Christmas." I whisper to my bump as I press Matt's contact on my phone.
It's not an emergency and the dizziness and discomfort slowly went away. I just don't want to walk back to the parking lot alone.
"Babe, are you okay? Did you get lost?" I hear Matt pick up and sigh in relief.
He's almost always there when I need him.
"Junior is giving me a hard time. I felt dizzy for a minute and felt what I think was a Braxton hick contraction. Can you please walk me back from the bathrooms near the children's bible study classroom? I don't want to walk back alone." I beg him since I get moody and anxious whenever my symptoms kick in.
Things like dizziness and discomfort are symptoms I have to get used to. At least, Matt is close by this time.
"I'm on my way right now. Stay where you are and sit down if you need to. I can help you up. Love you." I immediately hear him hang up the call and can tell that he's running towards the back of the church.
Gosh, he's my lifeline.
No pun intended.
"Hey, how are you feeling now?" I see his tall stature as I step out of the bathroom and take his hand.
"I think it's time to start working on the nursery and a list of potential names for him." I ignore his question since I don't like talking about my feelings.
"We can do that today after a few errands. I have to do last-minute Christmas shopping. Do you wanna come to the mall or stay back an rest and rehearse?" I can tell he's still concerned but he knows me well.
If I ignore his question, I know he won't push me to talk about it.
"Well, I haven't had a chance to do any Christmas gift shopping. Exercise could be good for my body..." I start to say since he doesn't know how uncomfortable I am going to the mall seeing OLivia's song promo everywhere, even in Atlanta.
We talked over the phone and during our meeting at Indigo Records. Olivia and I are chill and have no drama, However, our fans do and that's why I avoid her fave and music everywhere I go. I am a target for hate and more drama.
"But what?" I hear him whisper in my ear since we're close to the church parking lot.
"Haters." I say the word that I never mentioned to him and lean into his shoulder since this church is more private.
"I will protect and defend you if anyone comes near you or says anything." I watch him open the door for me.
"I need to get something for Lili. She is the sweetest and already got something for the baby. Oh, and I was thinking about middle names instead of first names for him." I say while he drives to the mall.
"Wait- why aren't you parking in the main parking lot? Matt, are you kidnapping me?!" I start to panic since I don't know where he's driving to.
"You are cute, when you are oblivious. This is just te back of the mall." I watch him park in a spot as I catch my breath.
"Sof is probably gonna DIY a gift with Juls, and Say is probably gonna send me a video of her singing. Oh, and I have not idea what Adrian gifts people besides songs. I don't know what to get them for Christmas." I sigh since we're at the mall and I need to shop for my best friends.
"I already have the perfect gift for you." I feel him mess with my curls as I pull my sweat down even more to try to hide my bump but it shows more now.
"Was that intentional?" I laugh at his joke.
"Actually, no. Not at all. You will see it in a minute." I watch him hold the door open to me as I cross my fingers behind my back in case there are fans or paparazzi.
It's almost Christmas, I just want people to leave me alone.
I don't even look at the paparazzi pictures of me online.
When he's not looking at me, I grab his car keys from his hoodie pocket. I hate that he's so cautious about me driving alone now. I need the car keys.
"Mom, when is Josh coming?" I hear a familiar voice and immediately let go of Matt's hand.
HE DID NOT! OH MY CHRISTMAS.
"Mom, Dad, Claire Bear." I run up to hug them and don't even notice the paparazzi and girls taking pictures of me.
"I missed you, big bro." I watch Claire mess with my curls since she always does that when she sees me.
"Hey, mom. Hey, dad. How are you guys?" I smile and hug them then glance over at Matt who has the biggest smile on his face.
"We're good. Claire's home from college for winter break. How are you?" I hug my mom and ignore the fans taking more pictures.
"I've been good. Matt's taking care of me and the baby." I whisper in my mom's ear since we're in public.
Matt, could've had them surprise me at home but the mall is okay too.
I miss my other sisters too.
"Oh, Merry Christmas big bro. Well, it's not really for you at all. It's for my favorite Bassett." I watch Claire take something out of her purse while she pulls me aside to a corner of the mall that isn't swarmed with fans.
"I thought I was your favorite Bassett?" I sigh dramatically and look back at Matt who is talking to my parents by a bench.
I'm surprised he's not swarmed by fans and paparazzi.
It's usually me who is swarmed by fans and paparazzi.
"You are my favorite. But this little one is my new favorite." I accept the little stocking gift and hug her again.
"Why don't we get out of here?" I wink at my sister and then see a young girl who is maybe 4 walk up to me with her mom.
"One sec," I sigh as I walk up to the little girl.
I can't bend down anymore because of my bump but instead, I feel the little girl grab my knees and hug them tightly.
"I'm sorry about Makai, she's a big fan of High School Musical the Series. Come here Makai. Don't bother them." I hear the mother say but can still feel the young girl grasping my knees.
"It's okay. Hey, Makai, you have a beautiful name. Do you want a picture together? I want to see your cute smile. I bet it's bigger than mine." I bend down a bit to hug her back.
She's adorable with her pigtails and Christmas sweater. I can't wait to take little Bassett around the mall during Christmas time if I don't get bombarded by fans and paparazzi.
I know that this picture is going to spread like wildfire on social media but it's for the little girl and I can't say NO to her.
I watch my sister smile at me and step away so that she's not in the picture.
Makai lets go of my knees and holds onto my big hand for the picture. I look down at her and smile while her mom takes the picture. And afterward, I even offered to sign her my Little Pony backpack. I always carry Sharpies with me.
"Bye! I love the song 'Doppelganger'." I hear Makai's cute voice and watch her wave as she leaves with her mom who is smiling really big at me.
"So...... is Makai a potential baby Bassett name?" I feel Claire nudge me on the shoulder as we walk towards the parking lot doors quickly so that Matt doesn't see me.
The mall is too much sensory overload, too many fans, and just too risky for me to get caught in.
I'm going to take Claire somewhere else now since she doesn't have her license yet.