Neil brings my hand in his to his lips and kisses my wrist, "What did your ring look like the first time?"
Since our sudden, but much appreciated, engagement, we decided to book a hotel for the weekend in the city.
Not only was ring shopping on our to-do list, but we both agreed that we deserved complete privacy to iron out certain details that were never once spoken of.
Because until last night, marriage was off the table.
That meant talking about finances, the topic of adoption, the actual wedding itself. I already had one, as had Neil, so I was hoping that we could keep things small and intimate.
This was the last time I would give myself to someone.
I wrack my brain as I try to bring the image of the dreadful thing to my forethought, only I wish I hadn't remembered.
"It was a single imitation diamond on a plain silver band."
"Did you get a say?"
I shake my head no, I didn't want to respond, really. It was all just so embarrassing.
"Well, that's what makes this so special, then. I see why you're picky," he laughs.
Our first couple of stops were to jewelers. The selections were grand and the work was incredible, but it was so expensive even though Neil mentioned his limit was 'well into the numbers'. Whatever that means. There was no way that I would be that self conceited. In the end, nothing caught my eye. Well, it was actually the prices that helped deter me.
"No, I'm picky because... what if I don't want diamond? What if I wanted a colorful gemstone?"
"Then choose what you'd like to look at, after all, you're the one who has to wear it all the time. It's for the best that it's a positive reminder of me."
That's how we ended up in this specific store.
It had huge glass panes along one wall that offered you insight on the amount of work that the jewelry designers put in, allowing you to see them craft pieces that costed thousands of dollars in real time.
On the other side, beautiful showcases in tiers lined a unique walkway that brought you on a self guided tour if followed. There must have been hundreds of thousands of options here.
We winded our way through the floor plan, my eyes taking the lead.
"What do you feel about blue?" I ask Neil as I'm all but bent over a curved glass counter.
He's looking at the showcase opposite of me, "I feel the same way you do, Est."
I stand straight up, confused, "What are you saying?"
He doesn't realize that he's been caught until a few seconds later, he turns around to find me searching for the answer.
"What I'm saying is that however you see whichever color in here, I will agree with you. I don't have a preference."
"That's a real roundabout way of saying you'd support me," I comment as I go back to looking.
"I guess it is."
Slowly, we move along this river of gold and gemstones before my eyes catch on this dainty round stone, clear yet olive in hue.
The band is sophisticated and the setting is perfect, but there's no way I can choose now, I have to see everything before I make a decision.
Or do I?
Neil gets the attention of one of the people from behind the expansive counters to come over to us, meanwhile my eyes cannot seem to stray from the ring I've just found.
They have me pinpoint it before pulling it out and onto a black velvet mat, taking the ring out of its holder.
"I see you have taste. This here is green amethyst set in a thin gold plated cathedral, and the patterns have been hand etched. Would you like to try it on?"
A moment of hesitation comes before me, "What's the price?"
The gentleman looks at Neil then I, "This is actually a much cheaper option compared to most that we have here." I take a few extra seconds, and when he sees the way I'm thinking myself out of it, he leans in closer, "If I'm honest, women only want diamonds because they're valuable. But have you seen anyone wear amethyst before, miss?"
"No. Not yet."
"That's because people crave uniformity. However, once everyone sees you wear this, especially with your complimenting skin complexion, they'll think that clear stones are just boring."
I look behind me at Neil, who is just a foot or so away. It's really kind that he's giving me space, but I want him involved.
"Come look, honey. What do you think about green?"
He measures my face, running his analytical eyes over every line and freckle before nodding, "I think it's beautiful."
As soon as I slip the ring on my finger, I know from the bottom of my heart that it's never coming off.
"I think we'll take this one," Neil says to the man before pulling me closer to him, admiring the look of my taken hand.
"And are we looking for you too, sir?"
We follow the man to a desk near the back of the store as he replies, "I'll just take a matching gold band. Nothing fancy for me."
The three of us sit down, I'm assuming to go over financing, but the conversation is short once the total is ran because Neil offers the gentleman his card without much discussion.
I look at the paper that was freshly printed and laid in front of us, "You understand the price, right? I'm just double checking because—"
I stop when I feel his hand on my knee, not in a shushing manner, but one of reassurance.
"Of course, Esther. I see the same thing you see," he jokes, peering over at me with a smirk that can make me do crazy things.
There wasn't much I could argue, so I shrug my shoulders and laugh a little as he signs paperwork. We are provided a packet of information about our set before we leave, and I couldn't feel more alive.
To be included, listened to, and supported were not things that I thought were in my future with anyone, let alone another man. And now here I am, happily engaged to someone who took their time with me, who allowed us both growth.
"Isn't there a topic to be discussed?" I ask quietly.
Neil hums in feigning thought, "How I plan on fingering my fiancée in the back of our taxi? Because you weren't supposed to know that, so I don't know how you found out."
Blush bloomed all over my face, "No! Good god, I was talking about money. Our money, finances and such. Not..." I took a moment, imagining how he would be whispering for me to be quiet while he... "Anyway, I figured we could talk about that for a bit?"
He chuckles after seeing my dazed face, "Of course. What would you like to know?"
"How you were able to just whip out a card, that was metal, and pay for everything all at once?"
"It's my credit card, and my limit is pretty high. Don't worry about that, sweetness."
I make a fraction of what he does, rightfully so seeing as he's an established electrician and I'm a waitress, but he seems to have always had his wealth.
"I think we should sign a prenup."
Neil shoots me a confused look, "Why the fuck are you requesting a prenup? We're not millionaires with old money."
"It's not for me, it's for you. I just think personally, seeing how things ended with your previous wife, if you ever get to that point with me I want a way out. For both of our sakes. You and I know what I would do to protect myself."
Neil stops us on the corner of a sidewalk, multiple people passing by us, and takes hold of my shoulders, "Where is this coming from?"
"It's just something to protect us, honey. I don't ever plan on leaving you, but if you grow tired of me, I don't want you to worry about your money being sought after. Maybe this can be a little comfort for you, you know?"
"I don't think it's necessary."
"I do."
He drops his hands to his side, blankly staring at me as if he's trying to piece something together.
"What if I don't want one? What if I want the opportunity for you to come after me just to see you again? Because if we ever divorce, it'll be your choice."
His words become imbedded in my mind, reeling at the fact that he feels so strongly against a prenup.
I slip my hand into the crook of his elbow as we walk again, "Alright, if that's what you'd like. But I'm telling you now, Neil, it's your funeral."
"And our wedding."
•
The ride back to our hotel was just as he depicted, so walking to the room was a little uncomfortable from the moistness.
We strip our coats and step out of our shoes in the entryway, then make our way into the suite. It's almost on the top floor of a multi-story building which gives us a grand view of the commotion around us. The windows make up nearly the entire wall on one side, and with the sun having set a while ago, the lights and billboards and cars stand out.
I walk over to the window, looking down as I rub my arms with cold hands, "I think I need a bath to warm up."
Neil's belt buckle clinks as he takes it off, "I can run it for you. You know, the tub is big enough for two, if you're interested."
Turning around, I see that he's shirtless and about to be pantless, "Maybe you can take the shower and I can take the bath?"
Neil grins at me before pressing a chaste kiss to my lips, then heads toward the massive bathroom, "Sounds like a plan."
My body is exhausted from constantly being on the verge of shivers all day, on top of getting off in the taxi, I needed a resting period of relaxation. And besides, I get to have Neil to myself for the rest of my days. I don't feel the need to be on him at all hours.
"Thanks, honey."
Once the bath is drawn and the salts are in, I dip into the water that warms my bones and cuts the chill.
I close my eyes and inhale the scent of menthol and lavender as it calms me down. The moments where my body is the stillest, I feel like nothing. It seems that my nerves have had enough of becoming stagnant when my arm twitches slightly, making my eyes slit open.
"Neil?" I call out gently, closing my lids again.
His thudding steps sound before he meets the tile, "What's up?"
"Come sit and talk with me."
"Like... girl chat? Or more things about marriage?"
The water ripples around me as I laugh, "I don't know yet, I just want company."
I hear the creaking of his knees as he lowers down beside the tub, leaning against it with his forearms crossed.
"What do you wanna gossip about, Est?"
The questions that come forward seem insensitive and intrusive to our situation, but I can't help my curiosity.
"How did you propose to Adrienne?"
Neil takes a deep breath in, and when he exhales, I feel it cool my damp chest, "I think I asked her at a family gathering in front of everyone. It's how she wanted it."
"Hm... how long were you two together before you did?"
"I don't remember, honestly. A lot of our relationship was a blur."
He plays with the water, his knuckles soothing over my arm in a way that makes me look up at him. Neil's dull eyes are roaming over me, not my body, but me. He often studies the different constellations that my freckles make up on my skin, and even though they cover my entire self, he's not gazing out of lust.
"How did... whatever his name was, propose to you?"
It wasn't nearly as long ago as I make it seem, but I've been desperately trying to bury any memory of him.
"He came over while my parents weren't home, invited me over to his place, and didn't let me leave the house until both my mother and father signed their consent."
"You were a hostage?"
It's not how I saw it at the time, but it was undoubtedly the case.
"I didn't know it then, I just thought he really loved me."
Neil sat silent for a few more beats than I would have liked before answering, "I'm glad he's dead."
I didn't respond, even though I felt the same way.
The sound of water trickling and being moved seemed to have put Neil in some sort of trance, his face became pained and his eyes glossy. He was either seeing memories resurface, or losing a conversation in his head.
"Are you still havin' a hard time with... everything up here?" I question, pulling my hand out of the water to slick back his hair for emphasis.
He nods, leaning into my touch, "Yeah, I'm not gonna lie. I don't know what has me so worked up still. But I'm handling it, alright? You don't have to worry about anything."
"I believe you."
I sit up a little more so I can bring him closer to me, kissing him slowly and lovingly. Neil follows suit, replicating me with even more passion.
"This feels like a pre-marriage honeymoon," I say against his lips.
He hums in agreement, "It kind of is."
"No more Esther Lynn Able," I whisper to him.
"You'll be my Esther Lynn Keiser."
•