Today is the day I am going to my therapy appointment. School is over and I headed towards the bus stop to get to the building where I am having the appointment but I have enough time to eat. So when I got to the right stop I got off the bus and went to the nearest bakery. Room there I bought a cinnamon roll and a cup of coffee. Cheapest things you can get and it does fill the stomach for some time, tastes good as well. Once I was done I went on my phone and then it was time to go to the building and to the therapist's room.
"Hello, Lucas." Said the therapist once I walked in and she saw me.
"Hi."
"Take a seat, dear."
A few seconds were silent and then she began her ritual sayings.
"How are you feeling right now?"
"Ok, I guess."
"Did anything happened after our last appointment?" I knew the answer to this.
"Yeah. My ex best friend is back in my life. We go to the same school now."
"Wonderful. And how does that make you feel?"
"Really good. I think I've been happier ever since."
We talked more about Dominic's influence on me and what I had observed from my own thoughts and feelings. Did tell her about the few fresh scars on my arms and the bullying, the one were it was morning and it being the worst they have done to me as of yet. She was kind of genuinely concerned about my wellbeing because of the bullying which I told her my promise to Dominic. She was happy what at last my friend knew of my situation. Its been quite some time since I've talked with her but I am still not a fan of telling things about myself but I have been login here for a few years or more, can't remember then it all started really.
"Anything more you would like to tell me before we are going to do some things?"
I hesitantly thought of telling her something but it was worthy to put it out into the world.
"Ever since I was little, I had a crush on my best friend and then he was gone, the crush died down a bit and now he is back and that crush is back too."
"How does that make you feel?"
"Frustrated, scared. I think because I haven't told him yet and I am afraid of his reaction."
"But you will never know if you won't tell him."
"I know."
"Do you think it is better to keep it in you and suffer that way?"
"No. But it does mean I definitely will still have a friend."
"I do encourage to try to tell him soon." She suggested.
"I'll try."
"Good."
When she gave a piece of paper and a box full of coloured pens and pencils. I was told to draw three columns and in the first one write down things I like about myself, on the second one the things I like and on the last one the things I wish about myself. It was easy to write what I didn't like about myself and wasn't hard to write the things I wished, the one about myself I liked was hard but managed to write at least two things in each column. Then I had to discuss them and she was spitting questions at me. I knew I was self-conscious about myself and didn't like quite some things about myself and this exercise did barely anything to me or so I think. Maybe I don't know it yet.
The therapist wanted me to use pictures to make kind of a collage of photos that would represent my life right now. It took me a bit of time to chose the right pictures and then after I rearrange them the way I thought was good, I had to comment as to why I chose each individual photo. We established that I was feeling lonely, I don't really like myself and that I was sort of happy but also not happy about my life. So I have no clue what that taught me anything about myself, I knew these things. Maybe because I tend to analyze myself and others around me with the situations. This session was fairly useless I think other than the first minutes where I was telling about my recent life. The sessions time was up and I decided to not go home yet and just walk around the city for a bit, mainly I wanted food as the one cinnamon roll wasn't enough.
The streets weren't that crowded which I liked and it was hard to decide what food I wanted but eventually as I walked I got to a small diner where I sat down and ordered fries, just fries, cheap and tasty. Look I don't have enough money to spend on a normal meal. After eating I strolled around the streets more. Just didn't want to go home just yet. As if there is something bad waiting home, not true but I guess at least I don't spend my time in my room and kind of in the fresh air right now, well the cars do make the air not so fresh but at last I am outside and not inside in my room being on my laptop most of the time if I do homework that is. Kind of want to neglect my homework for a bit. I know it is bad but I really don't care as much anymore.
Walked to the park. Sat down on a bench and took out my notebook and a pen. Wrote some words out, a lot of them. Went on my phone for a bit and then back at the paper again. This wart on for like half an hour. Got bored and so walked along the trail of the park. Not that many people in the park today and the weather is fairly nice too. So walking around was fun. I listened to music while walking. Didn't stay long in the park and walked to the nearest bus stop from where I can directly go home.
When at home, I did homework ate early dinner and went on my laptop, played a game. A free game but a game nonetheless. I did that for like an hour or so. Then decided to try and make my writing be pulled together into something. This took me some time. I think I was getting it sort of finished actually. I never finished my personal projects like ever and this one seems like the most almost finished one, I am proud of myself, I think. Maybe I am actually not that worthless after all. I can finish something that isn't school related, wow. I am happy right now.
This small timed happiness really made my world become better, even for a bit. It made me want to do more things, I did my homework, even the projects that were due in like a week or two. I read a book, a novel I liked, still part for he series. Then I hope din the shower and did an entire routine there which wasn't normal for me at all. I even cared how I would dress for tomorrow school. Like how? Why would I care? But apparently my mood did and so I picked a better outfit than my usual ones. Who am I? I don't know this person. Like can be strange and awesome at the same time I guess.
I got distracted by Dominic texting me.
Dominic: Hey. Do you have a good book to recomend me to read?
I thought about the gay books I've read but knew I shouldn't really recommend him those.
Lucas: Oh wait I'll see about that.
I send him a picture of a few books I thought he would like to read.
Dominic: Thanks. I think I like the second picture book.
Lucas: It is a good one. A bit thick but good plot and actually entertaining but the start might be a bit slow at first.
Dominic: Thanks will keep in mind.
Lucas: Why did you ask in the first place? Just curious.
Dominic: Oh. as holidays are approaching and no school for a few weeks I will get bored and thought that I should read a book and since you like to read I thought to ask you and we could discuss about it after I read it.
Lucas: Cool.
Dominic: What are you doing right now?
Lucas: Cleaning up.
Dominic: Productive.
Lucas: Very and strangely.
Dominic: Funny.
Lucas: I am not.
Dominic: I know.
Lucas: So why lie?
Dominic: I am not lying!
Lucas: You are.
Dominic: Nah.
Lucas: So what are you doing?
Dominic: Playing a game on my phone before I got the idea to text you.
Lucas: What game?
He send me the photo of the game.
Lucas: I know this one.
Dominic: Do you have it on your phone?
Lucas: Yes.
Dominic: Wanna play a team?
Lucas: Sure.
We played the game together through a call and it was fun. We had won quite some times and Dominic was a way better player than I was. Well it was fun playing with him and just talking with him in general. My evening was the bets one I've had in years. I hope this kind of mood would last for a long time. I really hope so. Soon I am planing on telling my parents about the bullying, I am fed up with them and I want this whole thing gone. I might get hurt more afterwards but at last I will be happy knowing my parents knew of their doings. Maybe this year in school will be better than the ones I had before, maybe for once in my life things will go well. Things started to go better but for how long can this last?
I still would love to rant a bit about my writing. I am confident I could finish one poem completely and start pulling together maybe two more, I might write more in the process. I think I am getting a stronger urge to write more often now which I think is a good thing. Maybe later in my life I would like to try and publish it to the world. It would be awesome to be honest but as long as people would like to read I am ok with and it doesn't have to make me rich or anything, I would just love for people to appreciate my work and effort. Maybe I would be worth it for something finally.
I wish to be loved. Like have a boyfriend, would love that person to be Dominic but I doubt that is realistic. I can only dream about someone actually liking me in that way. I don't even know if I would be a good boyfriend in terms of being taken care of, as I have too many problems, mental ones at that and so I think your partner wouldn't want to be burdened with that much responsibilities, my parents are already and they are struggling and I don't one another person to be as well. I don't think being friends with me makes me that much a burden to them which is good. I have no clue how Dominic puts up with me. One day I might lose him too, again. Please universe don't make me lose my only friend I have. Can I wish for him to like me back? I like to read unrealistic things but this is real life and I doubt this would happen considering how lucky I have been lately. Luck is barely my thing.
Life is strange and beautiful at the same time. You can suffer but you can also feel good. You never know what could happen even in seconds. That is why I try now to live, even if it isn't for myself, at least for others. I might get the whole memo of life later, I think I will try to be more gentle with myself and will promise myself to try and not cut myself on purpose anymore. Even if it would be very hard.
Why am I here?