I couldn't sit in my room anymore, I was going to go mad. The walls surrounding me, pressing in on me, and my thoughts running in circles with Aeris and the wild look in his eyes.
I shouldn't have said anything. I should have kept it to myself. But they had been upset, they wanted to spend time with me. But I didn't want to be their distraction.
"Dae," I hear his voice and stop suddenly, looking up to find Alvaryn standing in the corridor. I hadn't been paying attention when I was walking and now we stood outside the library.
"We need to talk." He says taking a step towards me.
"I'm not sure that is a good idea." I say quietly taking a step back, he notices and his expression hardens as he lets out a frustrated sigh before reaching forward quickly and taking my hand in his. He pulls me after him into the library and closes the door, standing in front of it he looks down at me.
"I know what Demwyn did, I know he told you to stay away from us, but you shouldn't listen to him, he doesn't know what he is talking about." He says quickly and I take a step away from him, feeling too close, worried I will do something stupid.
"I don't want to be a distraction to you Alvaryn." I say, trying to keep my voice firm.
"Is that what he told you? You are not a distraction Dae, if anything not being able to spend time with you is a distraction." He says taking a step closer.
I remember the kiss with Aeris, and imagining what it would be like with Alvaryn and try and shake the image from my mind. I can't do this.
"No, he's right, it's for the best if we just stop seeing each other. The selection is so close and I know you both have choices to make if you haven't already. I will be leaving soon." I say quietly, feeling a stab of pain in my chest at the idea of not seeing them anymore, at least not like this, not alone.
"I know there is more Dae, don't try and hide from me now, it's far too late for that." Alvaryn accuses, eyes studying me with his relentless ability to read me like a book.
"Stop doing that, stop using your magic on me like everyone else." I snap, losing my resolve, he is too close, and I can't breathe.
"You know I can't just turn it off Dae, besides I don't even have to use my magic. Everything in your expression, the sound of your voice, the way you are standing, all of it is screaming at me that you're hiding something from me. Just tell me whatever it is, it will be easier for both of us." He replies.
I shake my head. "No, this isn't something I can tell you." I pull away, trying to pull myself back into the tight little ball I had been holding it in.
"There is something, I knew there had to be." He says suddenly and I take another step back. "Don't do that, don't pull away. Just talk to me Dae, just words, that's all it is, just words and then we can share words, we can talk and share whatever it is and make all of this better." He says moving towards me, hands out, encouraging me to trust him.
"I can't!" I scream, tears welling in my eyes.
He looks at me in shock and concern.
I shake my head. "I don't know what to do Alvaryn. I am trying, trying to keep it all together, but every day it gets harder. I feel like I am going to lose my mind before all of this is over and then there will be nothing left of me, I will just be this empty shell, this stupid empty human shell, useless and soaked in anger."
"Listen to me Dae," He says calmly stepping towards me and taking my face in his hands, I melt at his touch. "Just listen Dae, you will not lose your mind, I wouldn't let you, okay, but I can't just stand by and watch you constantly blame yourself or doubt yourself. You are not useless, you have never been and will never be useless. You are strong and intelligent and kind and so beautiful, inside and out. Look at me Dae." He says, lifting my face so I am staring into his grey eyes, no longer storm clouds but heather grey, soft and open. He wipes the tears from my cheeks. "You know you can trust me, and Aeris, you are not alone in any of this. It is only a game Dae, just a game that you have to play, pretending to be what they want you to, only for a little while longer. But that doesn't mean that when the day ends, or when you are alone, when you are here with me, that you have to play that game. You can scream and you can shout, but I won't let you stand alone. You can try and keep playing this game by yourself but we won't let you forget that it is just a game, it isn't real, it isn't who you are."
"Why?" I cry. "Why do you stay? Why are you still here, even when I push you away?"
He stares into my eyes, sparks of silver flickering to life.
"Because I am in love with you Dae, I am completely, irrevocably and undoubtedly in love with you, and no matter how much you ignore it, insist that all we are is friends, it doesn't change, it doesn't fade, it just keeps growing, every day, every moment. Logic and reason don't make a difference, books and words only push me closer to you. I don't care if you love my brother instead, I would rather watch you be with him knowing you will be loved and accepting it is something that I can never have than let you convince both of us that you would rather be chosen with some High Lord." His words rush out, his voice filling my veins, my heart, my soul.
"That's just it, that's why it would be better for me to be chosen by a High Lord, because while you may be fine with watching me with Aeris, accepting that we could never be together, I would not." I say, pulling away from him.
He stops, eyes searching mine, trying to understand.
"I am in love with Aeris," I whisper. "But I am in love with you as well. I have tried, I have tried so hard to deny it. I didn't even understand it at first. You both helped me, in different ways, helped me hold onto to myself, while I've been pretending, playing this game. But then, it changed somewhere, and I knew it was dangerous and idiotic, I tried to push you away, both of you, knowing it would be for the best."
"The best for who?" He asks suddenly. "How can being kept apart, how can you being married to someone else be best for anyone in this scenario?"
"I don't know what else to do!" I scream. "I don't want to hurt either of you. I can't choose and I would rather lose both of you like this than losing one of you while being forced to watch every day, be reminded every day, lying and pretending and being miserable every single day. I am not as strong as you are Alvaryn, I couldn't do it, I know I couldn't. I couldn't watch you with someone else all the while pretending I never wanted you anymore then just as friends."
"But you want me, you want me just as I want you." He says, taking my face in his hands again lifting my eyes to his and I nod. His lips crash into mine in a passionate kiss and I kiss him back, hands against his chest as I lean into him. His tongue licks at my lips and I open my mouth as his tongue delves into my mouth, pulling me closer, I moan as he devours me, hands fisting against his shirt.
He pulls back breathless, eyes wild silver fire as they dance.
"That is all I needed to hear Dae, that you want me, the same way I want you. I don't care what I have to do, what promises I have to make, just know that I will not give you up, I will not let you go." He places his hand over mine and presses it against his chest where his heart is. "This, this part of me is yours, everything, all of me, every part of me is yours and I will do whatever it takes to make sure you don't have to choose." His thumb grazes my cheekbone and I reach up, holding his cheek in my palm.
"How? It is an impossible thing. You don't waste time on impossible things." I whisper, a tear slipping down my cheek, he catches it, wiping it away and shakes his head.
"It's not impossible, I know it isn't, I just have to convince my father and the rest of the kingdom." He smiles, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
"And Aeris?" I whisper, wondering what he would think, what he would say. "What was it Demwyn said? Aeris doesn't know how to share."
Alvaryn smiles. "Don't listen to Demwyn, he thinks he is looking out for us, but he is completely blind about the whole thing. I can talk to Aeris, he has been distant lately, but I'm sure I can make him understand."
I shake my head. "Let me talk to him, you need to figure out how to make this impossible thing possible."
"Alright, just promise me one thing."
"What?"
"No more pushing me away, you have no idea how much havoc it causes on my thoughts. I know you have to play your part, and I will play mine. But I need to know you are still there, the real you, you can still shout at me and call me names, just don't push me away because you think it's what is best." His thumb tracing my cheekbone and I nod. He leans in, his lips pressing against mine and I can't help but lean into him, his lips soft and gentle, no longer devouring, but still wanting, still needing. I move my hand up to his shoulder pulling him closer as his hand wraps around my waist pressing his body into mine. My fingers grasp the ends of his hair at the nape of his neck and I moan as his teeth graze my lower lip.
This is what I had wanted with him for so long, no secrets, no space. I didn't want it to end. His hand tightens around my back, fingers digging in as his body pushes against me, our kisses growing more urgent. I want more, more of him, more of this.
I pull back, breaking the kiss, we stand breathing hard, Alvaryn's eyes are wild with need and desire and it takes everything in me to not give in to that look, to give him every part of me, but I shake my head.
"I can't, not yet." I say, trying to calm my heart.
"You're right." He breathes, running a hand through his hair. It was always so neat, I liked seeing it somewhat dishevelled.
"I need to talk to Aeris, I need to tell him the truth, and then, and then I'm not sure, I guess wait and see how he takes it." I say staring at the floor fearing his worst reaction, his anger, his hatred.
"Hey," Alvaryn smiles, stepping closer to me and smoothing the hair back from my face. "It will be okay, we will figure this out together." He kisses my forehead and I can't stop myself from leaning into it. His confidence in this disaster is steadying. I wish I could borrow some of it.
I rest my head against his chest as he wraps his arms around me, his cheek resting on the top of my head. My hands grip his sides willing him closer.
"All of me Dae, all of me is yours." He says into my hair.
I couldn't promise him all of me, because there was a part that belonged to Aeris, even if he didn't want me anymore after I tell him the truth, that piece would stay, digging in further, I could feel it now. How can one person be split into two parts? How can one person love two people?
"I can't give you all of me Alvaryn, but the part of me that is yours, is yours alone, it won't fit anyone else, you have made sure of it." I say, closing my eyes and just feeling him holding me, I didn't want to think or feel about anything else. There were far too many things I could worry about, be scared about, doubt and question, but right now, all I wanted is to be with Alvaryn, in his arms, everything else could wait.
"I know." I can feel him smile against my hair. "I want you just as you are Dae, don't change a single thing. Not for me or anyone else."