Searing light pierced through her eyelids as the sun came into view. The group scurried behind a smashed up car, ducking from gunshots that came from every direction. Daryl held out the baby towards Jane, and she looked at him with a horrified expression.
"I can't take a baby!" She whisper-yelled. The prospect was almost impossible to her, she couldn't be trusted with a child, how could Daryl suggest such a thing?
"You're gon' have to." He said, handing it over to her. She took it awkwardly, having never been taught how to actually hold one. Sure, she'd held Judith but, Judith was around two the first time she did, so, she could already hold herself up by then. The thing was swaddled in blankets and sniffling silently - not really paying attention to the war of words around her.
Her free hand added an extra measure of cradling to the child as her elbow held it's head. She tried to remember how Carl had held Judith, but all she knew was that his help would've been great right about now. He was so good with kids, she'd always been jealous of that.
Still, as the group sat in the middle of a crossfire, she couldn't help but look down at the girl with an immense amount of sympathy. She brought one bloodied finger up to her face, placing it on the tip of her button nose - marking a small crimson dot on the point of it. The baby smiled briefly, and Jane smiled back.
Soon enough, they were up and running again, although this time everyone else was shooting and Jane just followed - sheltering the young thing in her grasp so carefully.
"Daryl, cover Jane, we've got to get over to the car," Rick yelled, throwing his hands over his head as bullets flew past them. Jane turned her shoulder then, shielding the baby one step further by covering it with her own body. It started to wail, and thrash slightly, it's little hands grabbing on tightly to her hair and tugging. She flinched a little, but stayed composed as more shots fired.
Daryl stood beside Jane and the kid, shooting walkers and people alike. Negan knew they were here now, but hopefully, the others were keeping him busy back at outposts one and two. A group of the dead was making their way over slowly, yet they didn't seem like such a threat today.
"Hey, walkers!" Jane said, alerting the rest of them. Rick whipped his head around and nodded, realising how far they actually were from them. She shimmied her free hand into her right holster and whipped out her pistol, shooting a few down that were crossing her boundaries a little too far.
"Jane! C'mon girl!" Daryl called, ushering her over to the car and almost pushing her and Gracie in the backseat. He didn't close the door until aaron came into view, clearly hysterical about something. His eyes were scrubbed raw and red, and tear trails snaked and coiled round his face like a badly stitched scar.
About a minute later, Aaron was getting in the car and placing his hands on the wheel. Jane whipped her head to the window, where Rick was waiting, and gave him a bewildered look. Her eyebrows furrowed angrily at him, and his eyes seemed to twist into the shape of a 'sorry'.
Once Aaron was buckled in and the ignition started up, he spoke only a few words before swearing to silence.
"We're going to hilltop."
Jane didn't even think to question it out loud but she certainly did in her head. There was no doubt Daryl and Rick had ordered this, but why? To take care of the baby she hardly knew how to hold?
She took a last look at Rick and Daryl as they watched their car drive off, away into the foliage.
For hours, they all sat in the blistering heat, Jane holding a baby whilst slowly flaking dried blood off her own hands. She thought about what might've happened to Aaron to shake him up so bad. Had he came along with someone that didn't come back with him? His boyfriend, maybe? If so, she felt terrible for him. Lately all the signs had been pointing to losing Carl, but not necessarily in a permanent way. Argument or not, at-least he was still breathing.
She thought about Carl a lot on the ride, actually. It was the baby that had provoked it, because she couldn't stop realising how much she really needed him. Sure, she was strong, and could handle herself, but without him, there were no sweet moments that she could enjoy anymore....like babies or jokes or Daryl's weird facial expressions.
Without him everything was just so....bland. No, worse. She believed that being away from him actually took away from her life, and incredibly at that. She thought about how easily he could lull this baby into sleep, and then, made the mistake of thinking about him cradling it and kissing it's forehead gently. At that, she was ready to start crying as loud as the child was, tears welling up in her eyes though she felt she had no right to cry. It had all been her fault and now, instead of dealing with it, she'd been shipped off to hilltop - who knows how long she would be there?
The baby grabbed at her hair once again, and she immediately cursed herself for releasing an "ow!" Out loud. Aaron gave her one speckled glance, then turned his eyes back to the road. He never moved them after that, staring out in-front of him with some sort of sick-willed determination.
She wondered what Carl would think about her fleeing to hilltop. Would he be worried? Would he think it was because of the fight? Would he know she was forced into the car with a baby in her hands? No. Probably not. She honestly forgot how tiring it was to be away from him, and, though she enjoyed her alone time, being forced from him was bringing back some terrible memories.
She could do just fine without him, but, he was a such a luxury that she had gotten used to. It felt as if he was the only person in the world who really, truly, loved her. And now, it was all messed up.
They arrived at hilltop at almost nightfall, and the gates were quick to greet them with a creak as they opened stiffly in their favour. Enid, Ellie, Tonya, max and Maggie had heard of their arrival and were waiting patiently to greet them, though a tad frightened about what state they'd be in when they got here.
When Jane stepped out the car, everyone was shocked to see a baby in her hands. Ellie's first thought was that her and Carl had had a child, but, then she did the math and quickly shook that off. Surprisingly, Aaron took Gracie from Jane as soon as he got out of the car, and went inside, saying a word to no one. Ellie rushed over to Jane, followed by Enid and the three other girls. They engulfed her in their warmth, and it felt so so nice. Maybe she had been wrong about Carl being the only one that loved her, because this right here felt exactly like love.
"Is Carl in the car?" Little max asked, and it felt as if the world went silent.
"Oh, no, honey, he's back at Alexandria," Jane answered swiftly, but there was something in her voice that directed the girls in all different directions. Either way, they knew something had happened, and without a word, brought her into their caravan and settled her in.
Before she knew it, she was sitting at their circular dining table and drinking herbal tea, leaning her head on Ellie's shoulder.
"I heard he's like, a king. Like he calls himself the king." Enid said, earning estranged looks from the other girls.
"It's true," Jane said, taking a sip from her tea. "He's friends with my mom." Their eyes widened.
"Have you met him?" Max asked.
"Hell yea, dude. He's.....interesting. Nice, though." The girls nodded, satisfied with her answer. The conversation moved on again, and this time, it was directed towards max and a boy she'd met recently.
"I don't even know his name, guys, calm down." Said the little girl as she laughed along with her friends.
"Sooooo, he's blonde, he was here once, and, he smiled at you? Oh, and he's what, like eight?" Ellie asked.
"Yuh huh. We're gonna get married and maybe kiss." Max said, giggling and blushing as she thought of this mystery boy. Jane remembered what it was like to have a crush at that age. Max was so young, that Jane almost felt bad. Every innocent part of her would eventually be ripped away, stolen from her like it once was from all of them, at the table.
"I betcha Jane's going to be married soon." Tonya said in a mocking tone. Jane's stomach lurched at the thought of Carl, and her face had obviously contorted into some weird shape because every one of them was looking at her funny.
"What's wrong?" Enid asked, placing a comforting hand on-top of Jane's.
"Nothing it's just," she paused, hesitating, "just Carl I guess. We argued a little before I left, and, I just don't want anything to happen to him, that's all."
They all nodded, frowning a little.
"He's strong, he's not going anywhere." Ellie said, putting an arm around Jane and hugging into her.
Their talking lasted too short, and when they all went to bed, Jane wished she could've sat and laughed with them just an hour longer. She tossed and turned on the rickety pull-out, but, the silence was deafeningly loud. She couldn't take her mind off of Carl, and if she did, she ended up thinking about morales or the baby, or Aaron. It was torture, being imprisoned by her own mind. Yet, when was she not?
She slipped her boots back on, changing out of the pyjamas Enid had given her and into her previous outfit. Now was when she really wished for the bow, because in all this lying awake time, she could've gone hunting and actually made herself useful. Instead, she sat on the wall, in the lookout post just watching walkers stumble on by. It was incredibly boring, but, at least there was noise.
She didn't bother shoot any down, she didn't want to wake any hilltop residents - it was hard enough to get to sleep anyway. She kept her eyes trained on one Walker, that mindlessly scrambled through a bed of roots. It tripped up over and over again, and as she watched it struggle, she couldn't help but feel like something was so wrong.
Of course, everything had been wrong since the start, but, this was different. This wasn't what she felt at the meadow, this made her feel almost physically ill. Her stomach had dropped to her feet, swaying her whole body over like she was overseas in a storm.
Before she could stop it, her face was salty again, and she couldn't recall the last time she had cried this much. The lineup maybe?
God, that felt like so long ago, but really, it was only a few weeks back. She couldn't imagine how Maggie felt if this was her reaction from one day apart from Carl.
Just being next to Glenn that day had broken her into thousands of pieces, and she hated to imagine Carl in his place.
"Can't sleep?" Said a voice behind her, and she turned to see Maggie Rhee standing behind her. A smile crept onto her face as Maggie engulfed her in a hug.
"You have no idea how happy I am to see you right now," Jane said, her words muffled in maggie's coat.
Maggie just smiled and let go, looking at the young girl beside her with pitiful glance.
She hung her hands over the barrier of the wall, looking at the same stuck Walker Jane had been drawn to two minutes ago.
"I can't sleep either, most nights." Maggie said, her words projecting into the night. "It's getting harder and harder as the nights go on." She added.
Jane said nothing, connecting their hands together and squeezing tight. There was something between them, a strong connection. They just understood each other, and even though they could be apart for months at a time, they'd still be there for one another when they could be. Jane appreciated Maggie so much, and respected her even more.
"Maggie?"
"Yes, hon?"
"Where are we going with all this? The hostages? The war?"
Maggie sighed. "I don't know. I may have taken over the hilltop but, Rick still makes the calls. We're just gonna keep these people here until we know what to do with them. They could serve us well as an offer for the saviours."
"What about Negan?" Jane asked.
"What about him?"
"What are we gonna do about him? He could just show up and shoot us down, couldn't he?"
"Have you not heard? He's trapped in the sanctuary, it's swarmed with walkers. Rick didn't tell you?"
Jane's face switched up in confusion.
"What? How? When?"
"A few days ago. Rick got them all rounded up. Eugenes in there too."
Jane smiled at the thought of Negan, defenceless, stuck in his own mess. There was a long pause before either of them spoke again, but Jane just had to ask.
"How's Aaron? He didn't speak much on the ride."
"He's not doing so well." She sighed, "he will be just fine, but, it will take a long time. He really loved Eric. I know how that feels, and, I hope you never will."
Jane took that to mean that Eric was infact dead. Her stomach seemed to feel empty again, and Carl sprung back into her head. She felt so selfish, thinking of him when she should be worrying about Aaron. But she couldn't help it, because in the next hour or two, this anxiety was going to swallow her up whole.
"Me too. I feel terrible for arguing with Carl. He was just trying to keep me safe, and, now - we're split up and.....and what if he dies Maggie? What if something happens and I'm stuck here?"
"He's strong, honey. He will be okay," she said, frowning. It sounded as if she didn't really believe herself.
"I know. But so was Abraham. So was Glenn. So was Eric. Sasha...." She trailed off, not able to list anyone else because every word just seemed to ache as it rolled off her tongue.
"I want to do it myself. I want to trap him here and do it slowly. I want to mock him while he dies." Maggie announced abruptly, and Jane knew exactly what she was talking about.
"I know. I almost did kill him. I thought of you the whole time. He was going to kill Carl, and I just wanted him to pay. I was ready. I thought of Glenn....And his hand around mine."
Maggie seemed to shudder at the thought of the lineup, and Jane feared she had overstepped a boundary. Maggie looked at her with a horrid blankness then, that had the power to turn all of her insides cold.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jane. you're just a kid."
Jane said nothing, but placed her head on Maggie's shoulder. The woman brought a gloved hand to Jane's hair, stroking it gently as they looked out into the abyss. Into the world.
"I just have this really bad feeling. It's like a dread, or a weight that's pulling me back. I don't know what it is but I'm worried about everyone. Everyone I know."
"I'm worried too. But we're all strong. We've gotten through a lot in the past, and, everyone trusts Rick grimes. I know you do." Maggie said, placing a comforting hand on Jane's shoulder.
"Yeah. I do."
When she awoke on the old wooden bed, her limbs seemed to stiffen up painfully. She got up with a great effort, and was taken aback to see that outside was swarming with people. The weather looked nice, and as her eyes shifted to follow the rays of sun projecting in from the windows, her eyes caught something.
A slip of paper propped up on the circular dining table in the middle of the room. She moved towards it, realising now it must be quite late because no one else was here.
She picked it up, pricking her finger on the corner of the paper. Ouch. Moving past the incident, she carefully took in what it said.
gone to help aaron get more resources.
don't die.
-Enid
she smiled at the note, putting it back down as she was sure everyone else had probably already seen it.
Her head whipped around to the front door, as she heard some sort of commotion. Shouting, breaking. Hitting? Throwing on her clothes from the day before, she rushed out, only to see the prisoners making a ruckus in their wooden jail.
Maggie was there, standing tall over all of them as she shouted down to their level. Jane realised just how scary she could really be, and was thankful she'd hopefully never see that side of Maggie in detail.
They all quieted down as she spoke, no - threatened.
As Jane neared the scene, she made eye contact with one of the men, grasping at the walls of the cage. She swore his lips upturned into a smile, but she didn't have time to check as his face melted back into discomfort.
"What's up?" She asked Maggie casually, and it felt as if the whole world turned to gawk at her.
"Alden here thinks he's special," Maggie spat, directing her attention back to the boy.
"Cmon Maggie. Just give me a chance. I can help. I can be better." He begged. Jane didn't quite know what to think about him, just that he looked stupid behind those bars pleading for his release.
"Jane, cmon." He said, in a whiny tone. She was taken aback that he knew her name, and her face seemed to show it.
"What? Of course I know your name. Everyone knows your name. Plus, I saw you, back at the sanctuary. With Carl."
Jane put the pieces together, and realised it must've been when she and Carl broke into the place.
"That's funny, because I never saw you." She replied scathingly.
"I made sure you didn't. I knew you'd kill me just like that." He said, a smirk crawling it's way onto his lips.
"You were right." Jane stated, before walking away towards the Barron house. She'd had enough of the saviours once and for all. Couldn't they just fuck off for once? What did he think, that because he saw her and Carl that one time that she'd suddenly feel bad?
Some people are so stupid.
She just wanted to rip that stupid smirk off his face. That stupid, stupid smile that was stuck there as if there was nothing wrong with the world.
One thing to note was that the horrid, twisted organ feeling hadn't left. Infact, she swore it had permanently rooted itself in her lungs, breathing in her own air in an attempt to suffocate her and her only. What was this? It was almost gross. Nauseating.
For the 300th time, she wondered what Carl was doing. Was he sad? Was he spending time with Judith? Rick? Michonne? Was he consulting in Daryl? Telling him what she said?
Truth was, she just wanted to know he was okay.
Normally, she could count on him to support himself, but, this feeling just couldn't get lost and it was making her overthink even the littlest things.
She tried to push it away, filling her day with mindless chores and gardening jobs. Ellie wanted to get Jane to teach an archery class for the hilltop people, but she declined the offer, because she never really had a way with words. Or helping people, no matter how hard she tried. When darkness started to fall over the community, she got ready for another sleepless night.
When she was about to turn in, Maggie called Ellie and Jane into the Barron house. Jesus was there too, and a few from the council.
They were discussing something, something important.
"So, if we send this to them, it'd be a warning. A threat, right?" Jesus asked, looking down at the rickety wooden coffin beneath them.
"Yeah. Yeah it will." Maggie said, before noticing the two girls standing in the doorway.
When she did see them, she went up to them, and pulled them both into a hug. Both girls were confused, but hugged into Maggie anyway. It had been so long since Jane had been hugged like this, and it was nice. Really, really nice.
"I need you two to do a favour for me," she started to say, but the walkie Jesus had been holding this whole time crackled in his hand. The static erupted and that was when Negan spoke.
"Just take your goddamn cars and follow me, Dwight. We're gonna be there by sundown."
It was negan. Unmistakably.
So, that just meant that he had gotten out. Which isn't great. And 'there' could be anywhere. But now, Jane was starting to understand the knot in her stomach. She was shaking hands with it, per say. Maybe she was even congratulating it on it's fair play.
The conversation between his men was fading in and out, but certain words could be made out. Ones like "Rick" and "Simon" and "scavengers" and "truck" and.......Alexandria.
She was sure it was Alexandria, it couldn't be anything else. They were going to Alexandria.
Then, her heart dropped, because there was one more word she could make out.
"Explosives".
That was all she needed to realise where she should've been. Where she should be. Everyone could tell what she was thinking, but unfortunately that power was of no use to them - because they all accepted the fact that they couldn't stop her.
"I'm going." Jane stated, turning on her heel to leave. She got halfway out the door when Ellie pounced on her, grabbing her by the shoulders.
"You can't go! It's not safe!" She shouted.
"Carl is there. Judith's there, Rick, Michonne. People I care about. I have to go." Jane announced. Ellie paused, before launching back into conflict again.
"I'm going with you." She exclaimed.
"No you're not."
"Yes I am! I-" Jane cut her off.
"Ellie. I'm going to save the people I love. That includes you too. If you come with me, you're doing me no favours."
Ellie knew she was defeated. She crumpled in-front of Jane like a discarded piece of paper, words written all over her like a poem that no one could read. No one except from Jane Peletier. Quickly, the girls embraced, and though the moment was rushed, it was beautiful.
Ellie retreated back into the house, sheltered from the cold and dark. Where Jane wanted her to be.
Next out was Maggie, storming after Jane.
"You're not going. Jane, you're on my watch. I'm supposed to-"
"What if it was Glenn, back there? Would you go and save him?"
She was utterly speechless.
"You said that you hoped I never felt what you felt. Maggie....I can't live with this if Carl dies tonight. Please."
Maggie ran up to the young girl, hugging her quickly and placing a kiss on the side of her head. Then, hesitantly, she handed Jane car keys.
"Thank you, thank you thank you," Jane fired out, already sprinting to the car. The gates were being hoisted open for her and propped up so she could hit the accelerator and go as fast as she could out of them. She did exactly that, Speeding out and down the road without even looking back. Panic seemed to swallow her whole, she was drowning in it, and she had down before but this - this was different. This was like she was on the brink of death, ready to lose air at any moment though she knew she couldn't die. She was teetering on the edge, though would never be granted the supple release of death and it's responsibility.
She thought of Carl and only Carl as she drove, her eyes welling up with tears as she thought about the possible outcomes of this night. This particular night.
One thing she knew was that she was going to do everything to save that boy.
—-
hi sillies!!!!
I just started watching Gilmore girls and I love it sm. it's so autumn-y and Halloween is my favourite holiday ever so I'm so excited. Also just pulled an all nighter to finish my college work whoops 😬 should be in bed rn but I wanted to write.
Anyways, thank u sm if you made it this far!!! I love you all sm bc you've actually read my story and liked at and for that I'm forever grateful 💞