Serenity Hiraya
Sa kada araw na lumilipas ay mas ramdam ko ang unti-unting pagbigat ng likod ko dahil sa patong-patong na school works at pressure na dumarating sa akin.
Mas lalo akong na-pressure na mag-aral sa lahat ng subject to the point na naghahalo-halo na sila sa utak ko. Mas lumalaki rin ang disappointment ko sa sarili ko sa tuwing hindi ako nakakuha ng academic validation.
Hindi ako nakasagot sa recits, nagloloko 'yung presentations ko nung reporting... mababang score sa quizzes.
Parang hindi ko na nga alam kung anong nangyayari sa akin. Humihirap lang ba talaga ang subjects ng grade 12 or na-didistract na ako sa pag-aaral.
Maybe it was both. Mahirap na nga ang subjects ng grade 12, nadidistract pa ako.
"Hirang, take a break for a minute, please." Bulong ni Steven sa akin bago hinalikan ang aking balikat matapos niyang ilapag ang matcha latte sa aking table.
"Paano ka nakapasok?" I asked instead. I remember locking my room. I did not bother to give him a glance and focused on reading the lessons instead.
"You left your door open. You are too focused on reading that you didn't notice I entered." I heard him sighed before fixing my hair. "Come on, hirang. Drink this and take a rest. Pomodoro Technique, hm?"
Humarap ako sa kanya bago huminga nang malalim.
"I-I can't take a break."
"Hm? Why not?"
"I-I need to study... May quiz tayo bukas 'di ba? Bakit hindi ka nag-aaral?"
"Nag-review na ako kanina, hirang. I told you I could lend you my notes but you refused. Tapos ngayon ayaw mo ring magpahinga?"
I covered my face using my hands.
"I-I just don't want to make the same mistake I did. Hindi ko kakayanin na makitang sobrang baba ulit ng score ko."
He sat beside me before encircling his arm on my shoulder. He let me rest on his chest.
"But you've been reading that lesson three times. Hindi ka ba napapagod? You need to take a break or at least let me help you."
Umiling ako. "Hindi ako pwedeng mapagod kasi baka bumagsak ako. A-Ayoko ring humingi ng tulong sa'yo kasi..."
"Kasi po?"
Tuluyan akong naiyak dahil sa paraan ng pananalita niya. Namasa ang mata ko dahil sa lambot ng pakikitungo niya sa akin.
"B-Because I want to prove to myself that I can do this alone. A-Ayaw ko humingi ng tulong sa iba k-kasi kapag tumaas 'yung score ko, ibig sabihin no'n hindi na ako magaling." I sobbed.
"Look at me, hirang..." He lifted my chin before wiping the tears on my cheeks and kissing my eyes. "We're partners, okay? Whether you like it or not, I'm going to help you. And just because you accept my help, it doesn't necessarily mean na hindi ka na magaling, hm? Ang ibig sabihin lang no'n ay willing ka na mag-grow pa at may matutunang iba. Besides, I'm not gonna let you be hard on yourself, okay?"
I sniffed. "O-Okay."
"I love you always..." he kissed my forehead. "Now, let's study this topic together for one more time. Pagkatapos no'n ay magpapahinga tayo kahit saglit. Understood me, hirang?"
I nodded.
I love how he's always so gentle and so understanding with me. I love how he listens to my side and does not invalidate how I feel. I love how he would always know what to do.
I love him too, always.
Kahit papaano ay nababawasan ang bigat na nararamdaman ko.
However, things didn't go as planned. Whenever we decide to study together, they would always have a schedule for a performance.
Of course, hindi ko siya pinigilan at hinding-hindi ko 'yon gagawin dahil alam ko kung gaano siya kasaya kapag nag-peperform.
Kaso, unti-unti akong nahihirapan sa tuwing maiisip kong magiging malapit na naman sa kanya si Nadya.
Minsan naman ay iniiwan ko ang backlogs ko para manood ng gig nila. May mga araw naman na mas pinipili kong maiwan sa apartment para mag-review at advance study.
I tried to keep it balanced. Being his girlfriend and the valedictorian student who I always want to become.
But these past few days, ay hindi na naman ako makapag-focus sa pag-aaral. The last thing I wanted was distraction, but that's what the universe is giving me.
"Bakit hindi mo na lang i-open sa kanya ang nararamdaman mo?" Tanong sa akin ni Violet na nasa unit namin.
Pinapunta ko talaga siya dahil hindi na ako halos makatulog nang maayos.
I trust Steven, okay? I know that he'll never cheat on me or do anything behind my back. However, I'm starting to become uncomfortable with Nadya around and it's affecting me big time.
"I-I don't want to like pressure him na layuan si Nadya, lalo pa na siya ang manager nila. Hindi naman yata tama 'yon. Besides, baka masakal siya sa akin."
"Beh, alam mo. Kung patatagalin mo 'yang ganyang thoughts, mas lalaki 'yan at lalalim, e. Alam ko naman hindi lang naman sa acads matalino 'yang boyfriend mo. Maiintidihan niya ang nararamdaman mo at siya na mismo ang gagawa paraan para magkaroon ka ng peace of mind mo."
"You think?" Tanong ko.
"I know," she tapped my shoulder. "Tsaka hello, patay na patay 'yon sa'yo. Kahit nga siguro sabihin mo sa kanya na mag bow down siya sa'yo, gagawin niya, e."
"Ang OA!"
"Totoo nga! OMG, ayaw mo maniwala." We both laughed. "Ang advice ko sa'yo ay i-open mo na 'yan sa kanya. Huwag ka magtago ng anong gumugulo sa'yo. Communication is the key, you know."
I held unto Violet's words. Gustong-gusto ko na i-open up ang topic na iyon kay Steven kaso hindi ako makahanap ng maayos na timing.
Busy kami pareho mag-review para sa nalalapit na midterms. Sa gabi naman ay minsan aalis siya para sa gig nila at babalik ng mga 11 PM. Sometimes, I'm still awake—waiting for him—but most of the time, I'm already resting because I still need to wake up early to prepare our breakfast and review again.
"May gig ka mamaya?" Tanong ko sa kanya habang naglalakad kami pauwi.
"Yes, hirang. Pero, maaga naman siya matatapos since 6PM naman ang schedule namin. By 8PM siguro ay nasa unit na ako."
"Okay..." I muttered in a small voice. "I'll wait for you."
I'll just review na lang siguro mamaya sa bahay or read books while waiting for him.
He kissed my forehead before we entered a shawarma house. We decided to eat snacks after class since it's already 4PM.
Pagdating namin ng unit ay tinulungan ko siyang mag-prepare para sa gig niya mamaya. He let me do his hair and pick his outfit for tonight.
Hinatid ko siya hanggang sa first floor lang ng apartment building namin bago bumalik sa unit.
Inabala ko ang sarili ko sa paggawa ng reviewer at pagbabasa ng mga topics namin sa galing sa iba't ibang source. Ayaw kong maging dependent sa modules na sinesend ng mga teachers, especially sa mga major subs dahil magugulat na lang kami may mga kasama sa exam na hindi naman tinuturo.
Pagdating ng 7:45 ay nag-ayos ako sa sala. I want to set a movie date with him since we barely spend time together. Kahit nga sa pagtulog ay hindi ko naman siya kasama.
I cooked french fries and made fruit juice. When the clock strikes at 8PM, I was feeling giddy inside since I feel like this is the first time we will have a date.
Gusto ko rin kasing mag-open up sa kanya tungkol sa bumabagabag sa akin.
Then, the longer hand of the clock pointed at number 5. It's already 8:25.
Maybe nag-dinner lang silang magkakaibigan. It's usually like that since they feel exhausted after performing.
Twenty minutes later, I texted him, asking where he was. I wanted to call him but I don't want to disturb him if ever na extend ang schedule nila.
When it was 9 o'clock, I started to become worried. I tried calling him but it seems like his phone was turned off.
That 9:00 turns to 10PM and then 11, but still no sign of Steven.
Naka-ilang hikab na rin ako pero hindi pa siya dumarating. I wanted to cry out of frustration and anxiety.
Kanina ko pa pinatay ang laptop ko na dapat panonooran namin. Nakain ko na rin ang kalahati ng fries at halos maubos ko na 'yung juice.
I hugged my pillow when I felt my nose burning. My chest feels suffocated and my eyes are giving up.
Hindi ko napansing nakatulog ako sa couch.
Nagising ako sa mumunting halik sa likod ng palad ko.
"Hey hirang..." a familiar voice filled my ear.
I quickly teared up when I heard him. I was worried sick.
"I'm sorry, hirang. I didn't know you prepared something like this. If I would've known, sana mas sinubukan kong umuwi nang maaga."
Hahalikan niya sana ang aking pisngi pero agad akong umiwas.
"What time is it?" I asked groggily before looking at my phone.
It was already 12:30AM.
"I-I'm sorry. I know I said I'll be home by 8 but something came up. Hindi ko naman kasi pwedeng iwan kaagad kasi—"
"It's okay." I cut him off and caressed his cheeks. "Magpahinga ka na."
Umiling siya.
"It's not okay, hirang. You prepared something for me—for us pero hindi ako nakauwi kaagad," he kissed my knuckles multiple time. "Let's watch na okay? G-Gusto mo ba?"
Nanlabo ang paningin ko nang makita ko ang pagod niyang mata.
I know he's tired.
"It's okay, Steven. I understand naman, e. Let's just watch next time, okay?"
I saw pain crossed on his hazel eyes. He nodded hesitantly before holding my hand on his chin.
"I'm sorry if wala na ako masyadong time sa'yo. I'll make it up to you tomorrow, okay?"
I tried to smile. "Hindi mo naman kailangan bumawi. A-Ayos lang sa akin."
My voice broke.
"It's not okay for me, naiintindihan mo? Gusto kong bumawi sa'yo hirang. I don't want you to feel bothered or neglected. Just let me make it up to you, hm?"
Napatango na lang ako.
He leaned closer and kissed me on my lips.
I could feel the sincerity of his kiss. It's like I was some type of a fragile glass that he's scared to break. It felt like he didn't want to lose me.
It should be wonderful. Pero bakit pakiramdam ko ang bigat?
When he ended the kiss, he hugged me tightly.
"Magpahinga na tayo..." He kissed my temple. "Let's sleep na, hirang."
Pinauna niya akong pumasok sa kuwarto ko. Siya na lang daw ang mag-aayos ng ihinanda ko kanina.
Nang makahiga ako ay doon ko inilabas ang mga pinipigilan kong hikbi. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang masikip ang dibdib ko.
I was probably crying until 1AM. I tried to sleep, but when I couldn't, I decided to read my notes again.
Sinubukan kong alisin ang isip ko sa ibang bagay at nag-focus sa pagbabasa.
Lutang akong pumasok kinabukasan. Magkasabay kami ni Steven pero parang lumulutang ako.
Wala akong tulog. Pakiramdam ko ay pagod na pagod ako.
Sinubukan ko namang sagutan nang maayos ang exam namin. Nandoon naman ang mga ni-review ko at confident akong nasagutan ko sila nang tama. Pakiramdam ko naman mataas ang score ko?
Kaso, assumera nga raw pala ako.
Halos manginig ang tuhod ko nang makita ko ang answer sheet ko sa Physical Science.
My body was shaking in panic. This was my greatest fear. I am scared of failing.
Si Violet ang nag-checheck ng papel ko pero parang kahit siya ay nanghihina matapos mabilang ang score ko.
I messed up my exam. Naging tanga ako sa pag-intindi ng questions.
Tumayo si Jasmine sa harap para kolektahin ang papel. Fifty ang highest score namin at siya ang nakakuha no'n.
"Mayroon pa bang lower than thirty?"
Halos manliit ako sa upuan ko nang tumayo si Violet para ibigay kay Jas ang papel ko. Nanlaki naman ang mata nito na parang hindi makapaniwala.
"Announce mo naman 'yung score, pres!" Sigaw ni Lester.
I paled.
No.
I can't take that humiliation.
"Huwag na, malalaman niyo rin naman."
"Sige na, pres! Ang damot!"
Sunod-sunod silang nag-request na basahin ang score namin.
Mukhang nag-aalangan si Jasmine pero hindi na lang ako tumingin at yumuko para itago ang mukha ko.
"Mendoza, 50. Followed by Alvarez, 47..."
Nagpalakpakan sila.
Maingay sila hanggang sa matawag ang pangalan ko.
"Añasco... 23."
Tanga.
I am so fucking stupid. How could I get 23 out of 60? Kahit pasang awa ay hindi umabot ang score ko.
"Gago?! Mas mataas ako kay Añasco?!" Bulyaw ng isang kaklase ko.
Narinig ko naman ang halaklak ni Lester. "Puta, anong nangyari?! HAHAHAH 'yung top one ng buong HUMSS, lowest?!"
I wanted to cry because of embarrassment.
"Sabi ko na gagi, feel ko kaya lang siya naging top 1 last year kasi nandyan si Steven, e."
No...
I was the ranked one because of my hard work.
"Ngi! Edi wala palang Añasco sa rankings kung walang Alvarez!"
I kept my head low as I bit my lip to stop it from shaking.
Nagulat na lang ako nang magtilian sila.
When I looked up, I saw MJ and Carl holding Alvarez while the other was helping my other classmate stand up. Hawak nito ang kanyang pisngi at parang inaa-adjust ang panga.
"Tangina mo, ah?! Who the fuck are you to talk shit about her?"
Aamba pa sana ng suntok si Steven pero pinigilan siya ng mga kaibigan. Natakot ako na ma-guidance siya kaya agad akong lumapit sa kanila para pigilan siya.
"C-Come on, love. He's not worth it."
"No, Hirang. I won't let him humiliate you."
"Please..." I held his arm. "T-Tama na."
He looked at me. His eyes were bloodshot.
Dahan-dahan siyang kumawala sa hawak nila bago sumama sa akin papunta sa hallway. Mabuti na lang ay wala masyadong tao.
I helped him calm down. He was so mad with Andrew.
"Don't let their words affect you, hm? Don't listen to them, hirang. You're in the ranking not because of me, okay? Nasa ranking ka kasi magaling ka"
I nodded at him. He dried the tears on my cheeks.
"I'm always proud of you, okay? Babawi tayo—babawi ka next quarter." He kissed my forehead. "Mahal na mahal kita, hirang."
"I love you always..."
Their words pierced directly on my soul. I felt like I was so lost in a world I'm not familiar with.
I was drowning in the pool of self-doubt and disappointment.
Studying and writing is the only thing I'm good at. I am nothing without these.
Mas lalo akong nanlumo nang i-announce ang rankings isang linggo pagkatapos ng exams.
Wala na talaga siguro akong kwenta ngayon.
"For our third rank, Añasco, Serenity Hiraya, T. With High Honors."
Para akong lantang gulay na pumunta sa harap at kinuha ang certificate ko. Sinubukan kong ngumiti nang hindi tumutulo ang luha ko.
I'm such a disappointment.
"Top 2! Alvarez, Kenji Steven O. With High Honors."
Tumabi siya sa akin matapos niyang makuha ang award niya. Sa likod ko ay ramdam kong humahagod ang kamay niya para pakalmahin ako.
"And for our rank one, let's give a round of applause to Mendoza, Jasmine, With High Honors!"
Nanginginig ang katawan ko sa inggit. I know that Jasmine deserved to be the rank 1 but I wanted to be in that place, too.
Pagkatapos ng awarding ay lumabas ang adviser para may asikasuhin sa faculty.
I was on the verge of crying, especially when I heard one of my classmates say, "huwag ka na umiyak diyan, Añasco! Rank 3 ka na nga, oh!"
Rank 3 lang.
That triggered my anxiety even more. If others are content with being on the third rank, I wasn't.
For some, this may sound a little petty but I cannot accept being not the first. My academics means the world to me.
Dito rin nakasalalay ang future ko kung makikita ko bang ulit ang mommy ko.
Pagdating namin sa unit ay nagkulong ako sa kuwarto. Kahit pa naririnig ko ang pagkatok ni Steven sa pinto ay hindi ko siya pinagbuksan.
I felt like my breath would be cut off any moment. My chest feels so heavy that I had trouble breathing.
"I'm so stupid..." I hit my head. "Stupid. Stupid Hiraya," I sobbed.
I cried a river that day. The only time I left my room was dinner time.
"Hi, hirang..."
Nang marinig ko ang boses niya ay muli akong umiyak.
I almost forgot that I have him. I have my Steven. My solace.
He quickly embraced me in a hug. He planted a kiss on my forehead for a minute.
"I-I'm so sorry..."
I apologized because he might be disappointed in me as well.
"Hm? Para saan?"
"B-Baka disappointed ka sa akin?"
Ngumiti siya sa akin.
A smile that helped to take all the pain away.
"Disappointed? I will never be disappointed in you, hirang. Kung bumaba man ang tingin sa'yo ng lahat ng tao—ng kahit ikaw sa sarili mo, ipagmamalaki pa rin kita, hirang. I would always choose to love you in every state. Mahal na mahal kita."
I sobbed. I don't deserve him.
"H-How? Hindi ka ba mahihiya na m-mayroon kang ako? N-Na you have someone who's a failure?"
"I never saw you as a failure. Hinding-hindi 'yon mangyayari, naiintindihan mo? Huwag na huwag mong iisipin na ikakahiya kita o mababawasan ang pagmamahal ko sa'yo. Palagi akong proud sa'yo."
"A-Are you still going to be proud of me if this happens again? M-Mahal mo pa rin ba ako kahit ang tanga-tanga ko?"
He fixed my hair. "Hirang... my love for you has no limits. Mahal kita, walang kahit at walang pero. Palagi kitang pinagmamalaki kasi ikaw 'yan."
I sobbed on his chest.
Sana hindi dumating ang araw na mapagod siya sa akin. Please, hindi ko kakayanin.
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elluneily 🌷🍰🎫