Judy gave me a hug, then said stay right here, but just keep hidden. So that Allison doesn't freak out if she sees you on this floor.
I'm really not sure what Judy told me, as my heart is beating so fast, and I feel like I could just throw up.
I've thought about the words to use to tell her, I knew eventually I would have to have this conversation with Sydney. I just thought after the wedding would be better. But Judy is right.
Sydney's view:
Judy comes back in. Allison said, "Judy where have you been, your stylist is ready for you." Judy said "sorry."
I said, "is everything ok Judy." She said, "yes Sydney. And you look beautiful." I said, "Thank you."
Judy said, "girls can I steal Sydney from you, since she is done." Allison gave Judy a look.
She said, "I think Sydney needs to just have a few minutes by herself. She is stressed. I just think that she might like some time to just chil."
I said, "Actually Judy is right. I am so nervous right now. I just need a few minutes to myself."
Margaret said, "you go with Judy. Just try and relax honey. Everything will be ok. You will see."
Judy took my hand and then took me out the door and down the hall, into another guest room.
This one had a sofa in it. She said, "you sit down and honey don't worry, everything is going to be fine. I better go before Allison gets upset." I said, "yes she was worried about you missing your styling appointment." We laughed. Judy said, "Can I get you anything to drink or" I said, "no thanks."
Sydney's view:
I'm relieved that Judy got me out of the room. I know everyone means well. They are all so excited. It's just I'm feeling so many emotions. My mom's letter, in her own handwriting almost gutted me. I wish she was here. If she was here, I know that I could talk to my mom. I could always tell my mom anything, and if there was something I didn't want Jay or my dad to know, she would keep it between us. Today is one of the times I need my mom.
"Mom I wish you were here with me. I wish I could talk to you I know that if you are watching down on me, then you know that all this is fake. I mean that Tom doesn't love me the way I love him. He's sweet, and he's quickly become my best friend, and he's a good man mom. He really was trying to help me at Kris's wedding. And it's all my fault. I mean the way I was getting so upset having a melt down on him crying about Rob and my cousin, that I see why he wanted to help me make her feel bad. Then one thing led to another, and it snowballed. When Tom went with me to Joe's to tell him, Tom looked so sad, and I understand how much he loves his dad, how much he wants to make his dad proud, and I know that he has pretty much made his job his life. Works at being a cop even on the weekend. Never really stops being a cop. He deserves that promotion. I wanted to help him, and I hated lying to daddy and Jay, but I never dreamed one lie could lead to this. Now daddy has spent thousands on this wedding, not to mention my beautiful dress, and Tom is feeling the pressure, to get married when he never wanted to get married."
"I wish you were here mom so I could talk to you and tell you this, and you could comfort me. I want him to love me the way I love him. I know that's being selfish and too much to ask. I'm grateful to him for wanting to be my best friend, and for saving my life, I have no right to want him to be in love with me too."
Judy left and hurried around the corner where she left Tom. She said, "hurry Hanson. I'm not sure how long you can have with her, before Allison and her aunt come looking for her. To put on her dress."
Judy took Tom's hand. She said, "I'll see you later. Good luck." She kissed his cheek. He said, "Thank you for everything."
Tom's view:
Judy leaves me standing there. I am frozen in place. I take a deep breath and am praying that I can find words, that I don't just freeze up and stare at her.
I knock on the door. I hear Sydney say "come in" I put my hands on the door knob but hesitate before opening it. please let her be in love with me too.
Sydney's view:
There is a knock at the door. I figure it's probably Allison. She wanted me in putting on my dress. I say, "come in." But the door doesn't open.
Then after a few minutes there is another knock, and then the door opens.
Oh no. Oh God. It's Tom. My dream, just like my dream, it's coming true. He found me before the wedding, and told me he couldn't go through with it. what am I going to do? We have maybe close to 600 guests here, what will I do? I will look like a fool.
Tom said, "Sydney I'm sorry I hope it's not bad luck for the groom to see the bride, or something like that. Not sure maybe I think I heard Allison say that is why we couldn't see each other last night."
He's rambling. He's running his hand through his hair, standing at the door, scratching the back of his neck.
I said, "it's fine."
Tom still stood at the door.
He said, "you look beautiful Sydney." I said, "thank you, but I'm just in my robe. You look very handsome."
Tom said, "I don't want Allison freaking out with me in here, so I won't stay long, but I really needed to see you, and talk to you, it couldn't wait. I really don't want to upset you but we need to talk. And I'm sorry that I let it get this far, I'm sorry that I didn't go ahead and do this way before now."
I start crying.
Tom said, "oh no baby don't cry. Please don't cry."
I said, "it's ok Tom. I know that this is all too much for you."
Tom said, "Sydney you don 't understand can you please just listen to me."
I said, "I know what you want to say. I had a bad dream, and I think it was warning me so that I would be prepared."
Tom scratched back of his neck.
Tom said, "I don't think you know what I want to tell you, will you please let me before Allison comes in here and freaks out, I know you have to go get your dress on and get ready."
I stare at him. What is he saying, He said put my dress on, I mean is he not here to call this off.
Tom said, "Sydney what's wrong? Why are you staring at me like that"
I said, "I'm confused. I guess I don't know what you want to talk about."
Tom said, "I don't want for us to talk. I just want you to listen to me. I'll try and make this quick before I get caught in here."
Tom sat down on the sofa by me.
He said, "you smell good." I laughed. I said, "Thank you."
He took a deep breath. he seems to be struggling. I can tell he's conflicted, his eyes show so much emotion, but I can't read them. He's nervous.
Tom said, "Sydney I don't know how to say this, or do this, so I'm starting at the beginning so bear with me, the night we met, I know that I acted like a jerk, and I'm really sorry for all the mean things I said."
I said, "Tom it's ok. I was a bitch to you. I deserved everything you said. I took everything out on you."
Tom said, "I was hurt, because for one the minute I saw you, I knew you were unlike any girl I'd ever seen, and I knew that I had no chance to take you home, you were out of my league, and I was mad at myself because I was feeling things that I shouldn't have, I was thinking things that I shouldn't have"
Tom said, "After Rob did what he did, I never wanted to feel that pain, that betrayal, or look like a fool to anyone ever again. I swore off relationships. I swore off just one girl. I made it clear that all I was after was sex. And I was happy that way, at least at that time. I thought I was. I had my job, and I made work my life. Wanting to make my dad proud. To honor his name."
I said "He is so proud of you Tommy."
Tom said, "I don't think so. But hopefully maybe he will be. Anyway the more I talked to you, the more you were getting to me, getting in my head, how good you smelled, how hot you are, how beautiful, and I was feeling so many things, anger, hurt, and jealousy all mixed up and I said some horrible things to you that I didn't mean. But I want you to know that I was miserable when you left to go sit with your brother. I was feeling pain Sydney, because I was jealous and I wished that I was the one making you smile, I wished I was the one making you laugh, I wished I was the one who was able to comfort you, when you cried. It took all my will power to not go over and kick your brother's ass because I thought he was your man, and I was seeing these images in my head of you and him together, what you were doing with him."
Tom said, "After you left with him, I hurt deep in my chest, and deep inside. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't feeling anything for you, and I left with a girl, but when she kissed me, I didn't want her, it felt wrong, I almost felt guilty like I was cheating on you. I saw your face, and I pushed her away and went home alone. I was miserable that night because I felt alone for the first time really alone, and I was sad deep down because I didn't think I'd ever see you again. Then the next day you showed up as our new partner. And I was so happy inside to know that I would be seeing you, but I was so mad at myself for caring. I mean I had one night stands, and never needed or wanted a girl in my life, and then I meet you and you ruin everything."
Tom said, "then I totally messed up, forgetting to pick you up, because I overslept because ever since the night we met, you invaded my thoughts, especially if I was trying to sleep, and I felt so many emotions, mad at myself for feeling something, trying to deny my feelings. But when I realized that I forgot you, I felt the worst I have ever felt, and then seeing you all upset, crying, and hurt because of me, it made me feel so bad. And I just hoped that I could get a chance to be your friend. Then you forgave me, and we became friends. I wanted more but I knew that I am not good enough for you"
Tom said, "When I saw you at the station that day crying and all upset, I just wanted to fix things for you. I wanted to comfort you. Make you feel better. And when you opened up to me about their betrayal, I understood your pain, your feelings, how you felt like a fool, because it happened to me. I wanted to take you to the wedding, and I don 't know Sydney. I never expected it to be Rob. And when I saw him, all my bad memories from my dad's murder and then the betrayal from them all happening on the same day. I wanted to hurt Rob. I could see he still loved you, and I know Rob, and how egotistic he is, how he thinks no one can get over him, and I wanted to hurt him, plus I wanted you to be able to hurt your cousin, so without thinking I blurted out we were engaged."
Tom said, "Sydney you have to know I never meant to humiliate you or hurt you. Then when you were going to tell your dad and brother what I did, Joe called and I got caught up in really making my dad proud. Getting that promotion. I have worked so hard and my goal was to eventually move up be a captain, and then here I am offered the job. But I knew deep down it was wrong to lie. I knew that my dad would not be proud of me if I got the job by lying. But I wanted the job. But that is not the only reason why I asked you to keep on being fake engaged."
I said, "it wasn't"
Tom took my hand. He said, "no I will admit it was a big part of it. I got lost in thinking only about the job, honoring my dad, but I was also totally being selfish because I thought this would be a perfect way for me to spend all my time with you, I could have you to myself, didn't need to worry about Booker or the guys getting you to go out with them, everyone would think we were together, and we could spend all our time together. I could kiss you. Hug you. Hold you. I would actually have a girlfriend without having to admit that I really had a girlfriend."
Tom said, "I know that doesn't make sense. Once I was betrayed by the two closest people to me, I swore I'd never let another girl in my life, the only girl in my life after that was Judy, and she was just always a good friend, a partner, and I have never wanted another girl in my life, but then when I met you, and we became friends, I wanted to hang out with you, I wanted to take you out to eat, I wanted to talk to you, outside of work. I didn't want to admit it to you, to myself, or to the guys. I realized how you changed my life. You gave me something to look forward to. This fake engagement was about my job, but it was so much more. It was a way for me to have what I deep down wanted with you, but I was too scared to admit it or scared to ask you, scared to take that chance."
Tom said, "Sydney I don't want to upset you. Or make you feel pressure or make you feel bad if you don't feel the same. But Judy came to see me and asked me a question, and told me if the answer was yes, then I needed to talk to you before the wedding, and I realized she was right. I'm not saying this because I am trying to pressure you, I just feel like you need to hear the truth from me."
Tom said, "Sydney it's ok that you don't feel the same. I can't believe that you could ever feel the same. But you are the sweetest girl, and the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. You did something to me that night we met, and made me crave things that I didn't know that I even wanted, let alone needed. I want everything with you. You are everything to me. Not just my best friend. Not just my partner. But you are without a doubt the love of my life. I realized that what I thought I felt for Jenn wasn't love. Because what I feel for you, I've never felt this way before in my life. I know that I never will again. Sydney I love you, so damn much that it hurts, and it scares me because I'm so afraid I'm going to lose you, and I don't think that I can live without you."
I said, "What, wait what are you saying. You are in love with me." Tom nodded.
I said, "Wait, you" I pointed to him. Then I said, "Are in love with me," And pointed to myself.
Tom said, "Yes, and I know that you don't feel the same and that you may never, but baby I promise you I will be the best husband to you. I will honor you, treasure you, cherish each minute with you. I will protect you. I will comfort you when you are sad or hurt, laugh with you when you are happy. I will be faithful to you. You have my heart. You have my love, and I will mean every single word of my vows. Sydney I don't care about the job. I don't even want the job any more. I just want you"
I said, "Tom just to make sure I'm sorry, but I want to make sure I"m hearing you right. You're in love with me. You mean in love not just you love me as a friend right."
Tom said, "I'm crazy in love with you. I " Before he could finish that I practically jumped into his lap, and kissed him, cutting him off.
He wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me closer to him, and deepening the kiss.
After a long kiss, we pulled apart for air. He put his forehead against mine.
He said, "Wow baby" I laughed. So did he.
Tom said, "I'm really hoping that by the way you just kissed me, that is your way of telling me that you are ok with what I just confessed to you."
I said, "yes Tom. More than ok. I'm so in love with you." Tom said, "What you are in love with me"
I said, "yes" Tom said, "For real, you truly mean that you are in love with me You want us to be real."
I was crying. I said, "yes Tommy. I love you. I think I fell in love with you the first night we met. I have to be honest now too. I think that while yes I was upset about all men, Rob, my old unit, and the guys that were hitting on me, I think that I was also mad at myself for the way my body and mind were reacting to you. When I heard your deep voice, I immediately turned to look, and I saw you flirting with those girls, the girls that always get the guys, the beautiful girls, with the beautiful model type body, and I felt rejected, and hurt, and alone. After Rob, I told myself that I didn't need a man, that I had my dad, and brother, and I was healthy, and that is all that I needed. And I thought I was fine being alone, but hearing you with those girls, seeing you, how hot, and sexy, and handsome you were, your gorgeous face, your perfect body, your smile, and I felt alone, and rejected, and I was jealous, jealous of all those girls you were talking to, and I took it out on you. I was such a bitch to you."
Tom said, "You were jealous. Baby you didn't need to be. The minute I saw you ,you became the only girl in the room." I said, "I didn't know that though. Then when we became partners, and then friends, I tried to keep my distance, I wanted to be friends with you, spend time with you, try to tell myself that I don't love you, or that I don't want to be with you, and then this whole fake engagement thing came up, and I just couldn't tell Joe, you looked so sad like I understood and got why you wanted to make your dad proud, I feel that way about my mom. And selfishly I also while I hated lying to them about us, I was enjoying the fact that for one we could spend all our time together, it was expected, and I would get to kiss you in front of people, and also that you could not be caught cheating on me, so you had to give up your hookups"
Tom said, "Baby I gave those up the night we met."
Tom said, "you are sure you're in love me." I said, "yes Tommy. I have cried so much thinking that all I ever could have of us is being your friend, your fake wife, kissing you just in front of people is not enough, I crave more, I want more. It hurt lying awake every night wishing I could have you, all of you, not just your friendship."
Tom kissed me. He said, "Baby you have all of me. I'm sorry Sydney. I should have told you. I wanted to, and the guys kept telling me to tell you, but I just was scared if you knew that I would lose you, that it would be too much, that you would feel pressure around me, or be uncomfortable around me. I was afraid. I never dreamed you could be in love with me."
Sydney said, "So wait the guys knew that you were in love." He nodded He said, "yes, Doug, Harry, called me out on it right away, almost the next day after we met, and Booker saw it as well."
I said, "But Judy did she know? Because I told her over and over that I was in love with you, that it hurt, and she kept telling me that she thought you were in love with me, but maybe in denial, and not to worry."
Tom said, "Judy didn't know. She came to see me a little while ago, and asked me if any part of me was in love with you, or wanted this marriage to be real, she said if not and I only love you like a friend fine, but if I was in love with you, and wanted a real marriage, I needed to tell you before, so that you would know when I said my vows that they weren't just words, that I meant them and felt them"
I said, "Tommy I love you so much." I kissed him.
Tom broke the kiss. I said, "I'm sure Allison is going to be here any minute to get me."
Tom said, "Sydney there is something I need to do. Before you can go put your dress on."
I said, "What is that Officer Hanson"
He said, "Sydney will you do me a favor." I said, "Sure."
Tom kissed me on the forehead, both cheeks then the lips, then he said, 'Can you give me my ring back." I looked at him. He said, "I'll give it right back." He smiled.
I gave him the ring.
Tom got on his knees. He took my hand.
He said, "Officer Sydney Mitchell, I am so in love with you. I didn't even know I could love someone so deeply or need someone so badly. I need you like I need air. I honestly don't know how I was living my life without you, but I guess I was only surviving.It wasn't a life. One look at you, and you ruined me for ever being with anyone else. My eyes only see you. My heart beats only for you. I crave only you. I am so crazy deeply in love with you, will you please do me the honor, and be my bride, Will you marry me Sydney?"
I was crying. He had tears in his eyes, and before I could say yes, I heard voices, I turned to look. I guess the door was open, and my dad, Jay, Allison, and my aunt were all standing in the room.
Allison was going on almost in hysterics about Tom seeing me before the wedding, while my dad and Jay said, "What is going on here?"
Tom looked at them, then looked at me.
Tom said, "I can explain sir."
I said, "daddy I asked Tommy to" Tom said, "Sydney don't"
My dad said, "Why are you proposing to my daughter, when she should already be in her wedding dress"
Jay said, "I came to see where you were Hanson. The guys said you left, and it's time for you to be heading down to wait."
Tom said, "I'm sorry I just needed to see Sydney."
My dad said, "To propose to her, when you are at your wedding. This isn't making any sense. It's almost like you two weren't engaged."
I said, "Daddy no that' s not it."
Allison said, "it doesn't matter what it is, Sydney come on you need to get your dress on. Tom Hanson you need to get your butt down the aisle and wait. I'm just glad that Sydney is in a robe instead of her dress. You could have ruined this whole wedding." She gave him a look. He said, "I'm sorry. I love Sydney so much I just wanted to tell her."
I said, "Daddy, Jay I was feeling"
Tom said, 'Sydney Please." I said, "I was feeling so much pressure, worried, panicked about the huge crowd. I hate crowds. I hardly could breathe. Tommy told me to let him know if I needed him. I needed to see him. I'm afraid I"m going to fall down, ruin my dress, humiliate you all I mean Allison has worked so hard, Margaret has worked hard, Aunt Jackie has, and you have spent so much money daddy. I'm afraid to even wear my dress, what if I ruin it. It's so beautiful but way too expensive for me to even touch let alone put it on."
He said, "Sydney please don't worry about that. I am not going to let you fall. I'll hold on tight to you. And I'm sorry honey I know you hate crowds, and being the center of attention, you hate people looking at you, and I'm sorry that this wedding turned into such a big event."
Allison said, "I'm sorry Sydney, that is my fault." Jackie said, "mine too. I got so excited with your wedding, for one reason because of your mom, I wanted you to have a wedding that your mom would love. I guess we all got carried away."
I said, "Tommy I love you so much. Thank you for coming here to talk to me. You have no idea what that means to me." He said, "I love you more than you could ever know"
I said, "I better go get my beautiful dress on"
Tom said, "I can't wait to see you walking down the aisle to me." He winked at me and left.
Jay said, "Sydney after you change your dress, I'd like a few minutes with you, before you leave with dad to head down to Tom" I said, "Sure."
Allison, Jackie, and I went back in where Margaret and Judy were talking. Judy said, "is everything ok." I said, "Everything is perfect." I went and gave her a hug.
I said, "Thank you Judy for" She said, "I'm so happy for you. You and Tom make the perfect couple"
Margaret cried, so did Judy, then I did. Allison said, "you guys her makeup." We all laughed. Allison said, "I guess screw the makeup huh You look beautiful without it." I hugged and thanked all the women, then changed into my dress.
They all went out, my aunt hugging and then crying and then Jay came in.
He said, "Sydney you look so beautiful. I still can't believe we are here, my little baby sister is all grown up and getting married and leaving me" He tried not cry. But failed.
I said, "Jay I'm not leaving you. I'm always going to need you." I cried, and hugged him. I kissed his cheek.
He said, "you are so beautiful. I'm so happy for you."
I said, "Did dad show you my letter from mom" He said, "no he told me about it, but dad didn't even know what it said, until you read it out loud to him, he said mom sealed it up." I went and got it out of my bag, and handed it to him.
I said, "only if you want to read it." He said, "Are you sure, I mean this is personal for you from her." I said, "she mentioned you in it, so yeah I want you to read it."
Jay read it out loud. We both cried, but Jay laughed when mom talked about Jay and my dad being babies and crying thinking I won't need them.
I said, "She's right, I'm always going to need my big brother. I love you so much. You're the best big brother a girl could have." He said, "you're the best little sister a guy could have. And I have truly loved you so much since the first time I saw you. I've always just wanted to protect you, and I still feel so guilty that I didn't realize what Rob was doing. I let you down."
I said, "no they kept it from you and Allison, there was no way you guys could have known. They were sneaky and good at lying. And besides I realize that I love Tommy way more than I ever could have loved Rob. I loved Rob, and I was happy, but I still didn't feel like I had what mom and dad had, I mean like mom had her prince, and I just never felt that way about Rob. Like mom had a fairy tale romance and I just figured that not all girls get that."
He said, "Hanson is a good man, but I still want to know what was up, why was he proposing to you. I mean I get you are nervous, scared, overwhelmed, and he came to comfort you, reassure you, but why did he propose to you. The look on his face, in his eyes, was almost he was proposing to you for the first time."
I said, "Jay he just was" My dad came in. He said, "I can't believe my little baby girl that came home from the hospital is this young woman in front of me today." He cried. I said, "you guys crying like mom said is making me cry." Jay said, "And Allison is going to kick my ass for ruining your makeup." We laughed.
Jay gave me one last hug and kiss, and then said he would see us. He left.
The wedding music started, and Tom, Jay, Dennis, and Doug all stood at the center, there was shade for the wedding party.
While they were standing there, Jay said, "Hanson don't hurt my sister." Tom said, "I give you my word." They shook hands.
My dad and I had a long way to walk, from the house, down the path on the white carpet that was put down. I had my flowers in my hand. He said, "This is it, are you ready?" I said, "yes daddy." I cried. He kissed my cheek. He said, "Sydney no matter how old you get, you will always be my little girl. I am so proud of you honey. I love you so much." I said, "I love you too."
He wiped his eyes from crying, and then he said, 'Let's go. I think your groom is waiting."