Zoe
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I couldn't sleep that night and I couldn't stop thinking about Felix. I just laid in bed at the hotel I had picked at random, twisting and turning. Every time I found myself thinking about Felix, I stopped myself and forced my mind to other things. I could just as well not have bothered though, since just seconds later my mind would wandered back to him.
I wondered if he was asleep. He probably was, it was in the middle of the night after all. He was probably in the middle of a dream. I wondered if I was in the dream. That was silly though. We only met today and he had no idea what I actually was to him, or rather what he was to me.
I wondered what he slept in. Definitely less clothes than me. A T-shirt and boxers? Maybe just boxers? He might have slept naked.
No. No, no, no. Don't even go there.
I desperately tried to find something else to think about. Anything. Different potions and herbs. The proper way to care for an apple tree. The lyrics to the songs Father had sung to me when I was a child. But it was too late. My mind swirled with fantasies about what his naked body might look like. He had worn loose-fitting pants and a long-sleeved T-shirt today, but it had looked like he was muscular.
He probably had delicious abs. And strong arms. To have them wrapped around me. And his lips trailing kisses against my neck.
And then he dies.
I sat up in bed and pulled my legs towards me. I hugged them tightly and did my best to shut my head up. But there was no use.
Murderer.
Monster.
Freak.
My tears leaked out of my eyes. It had been so long since I had actually cried over the hell that was my life. I had worked so hard to just accept it and grow numb to the pain it caused me. Now it all hit me like a brick wall.
I was a danger to anyone that got close to me. Just walking down a crowded street put people in danger. Every day at home I feared I would slip up and accidentally kill my father, just like I had killed my mother.
I needed to be strong. I needed to be brave. I would allow myself to be a normal woman for a bit tomorrow. I would have a cup of coffee with Felix, talk with him and enjoy myself. Then... Then I had to be strong and brave and tell him goodbye.
I didn't know how I would manage that but I had to. For his safety. I would not be the cause of his death. And since he was mortal hopefully the bond hadn't worked its magic on him too much yet and he wouldn't feel the pain. I knew I would. And I knew that saying goodbye would be easy compared to actually staying away. But the longer I waited, the harder it would be. It was better to just do it tomorrow.
The absolute best thing would be if I managed to reject him. Get that one sentence out.
I, Zoe Alder, reject you, Felix Jackson, as my mate.
One sentence and then the bond would be cut in half. Getting him to accept it, couldn't be that difficult. I would just have to tell him what to say and explain that it was all for the best. He wouldn't even know what was happening. I could even lie and make it out to be something completely different compared to what it really was. But...
Just the thought of rejecting him sent pangs of pain through my whole body and I just knew I wouldn't manage to get the words out. I lacked the determination, because the truth was that I wanted him. More than anything. He had the potential to be everything that I lacked in life. Happiness, fun, friendship.
In my state of devastation, I remembered the one conversation I had ever had with someone about a potential future mate. It had, of course, been with Scarlet.
It had been just me and her, sitting under a tree. As always, she had led the conversation, that day maybe even more than usually. She had seemed to be in a particularly good mood, extra talkative. It had also been that day that she had shown me her real hair color, so I had never really thought about the other things that had been said. But then and there, long forgotten parts of the conversation swam to the surface.
"Who do you think your mate will be?" she had asked and then continued: "He will have to be magical and somehow able to withstand your touch."
"I don't want a mate," I had refuted.
"Come on. Don't be like that. If you got to dream, who would it be?"
"What's the point? I would never be able to actually touch him."
Scarlet had rolled her eyes at me.
"How would you know? Have you touched everyone?" She had laughed at her own joke. "Besides the Goddess wouldn't pair you up with someone you can't mate with."
I had just shrugged at that.
"What would you do if you found your mate and you really can't touch him? Like if he's human or so?" she had continued her questions.
"Reject him of course!" I had answered in an instance.
Scarlet had then looked at me with piercing eyes and it had felt like she could see into my soul. "I don't think you'll be able to," she had finally said.
"You think so little of me? Do you think I would risk his life instead?"
"No. I didn't mean it like that. I just don't think you'll be able to. It's much harder than one might think."
That had been one of the last real conversations I had with Scarlet before she had turned cold towards me and well, at least she had been right about the last part. I could feel in my whole body that I would never be able to reject Felix, so I had to settle for the next best thing and after tomorrow never see him again.