Chapter 3 : Revelation
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[A/N : The italic texts inside brackets are English translations of the dialogues]
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Avni rushed into her room and tried to sleep. But sleep was miles away from her. Soon after 10 mins, she heard a sudden knock at her door.. Faint taps in a rythmic interval!
In her heart, there was no doubt that it must be Neil! Remembering his gloomy face, she so much wanted to hug him tight! Somewhere she was thinking maybe all this was a misunderstanding, maybe he truly had his reasons.
His helpless face, his tears they are not lies! It can't be! Her heart won't testify!
With a turmoiled spirit she opened the door, finding Neil Standing with food in his hand.
Without uttering a word he came inside. Kept the food at Avni's bedside. Still unable to look at her. Intently looking at him she raised her palm to touch his face. His sharp stubble brushed over her fingers as she touched his cheek and lovingly stared at him.
Seeing her soft gaze Neil finally had the courage to speak, "Ahh.. ummm.. Tumne bhi raat ko nahin khaya na? Woh Nakuul ne bataya mujhe! Mere kamre mein reh gaya tha.. Toh maine socha ki yahan le aata hoon, I hope tum soyi nahin thi."
(You also didn't eat at night, right? Nakuul informed me! This food was left in my room... So, I thought of bringing it here. I hope you weren't asleep.)
"Aur agar main so gayi hoti toh?
(And if I had been asleep?)" She couldn't help but tease him with a smile, just trying to lighten up the environment.
He looks so adorable when he gets stuck while doing something.
All these years observing him she thought, NK never gives explanations or excuses to anyone for any of his acts! And here he is!
Neil's face fell with an o-shaped expression as he realized, "Did she just tease me?"
Thus decided to return her some piece of his savage teasing, "Aaj jo huwa uske baad tumhe neend kaise aati itni jaldi..(After what happened today, how would you manage to fall asleep so quickly..)" On top of those words, winking at her as well!
She blushed hard knowing what he was suggesting so avoiding his remark she started a normal conversation instead, "Accha khana shuru karey and tell me about your schedules?
(Ok, Let's start the meal, and tell me about your schedule)"
The dinner went pretty silent except for a bit of discussion about when he would pick her up and a conversation about her college.
Avni felt it was essential to restore a sense of normalcy; otherwise, this tension between them could have wider repercussions within the family, which she couldn't afford.
Meanwhile, she knows she is getting weaker and weaker walking towards forgiveness but no, she can't risk it so soon!
As their dinner was finished Avni came back after washing her hands. She found Neil standing with a blank face, seemingly waiting for something. While bending down to pick the plates from the table, Avni heard him calling her softly. She was just about to turn around when she felt his arms snaking around her waist, pulling her into a gentle, affectionate hug from behind. Their fingers intertwined softly, and he buried his face in the crook of her neck, planting soft kisses there.
"Jaan!!" He called her. She froze to the ground!
"Huh...?" The only sound she could emit in utter hysteria!
"Jaannn, I am sorry, Aaj ke liye aur pichle 5 saal ke liye. (Jaan, I'm sorry, for today and for the past five years.)" He affectionately rubbed his face against hers, planting a slow kiss on her cheek. Inhaled her aroma with heavy breaths, brushing his nose against her rosy cheek, eliciting a soft moan from her. His arms were touching the sideways of her waist, lightly grazing her breasts in the process.
"Neil aap ye kiya kar rahe ho, ye sab theek nah... (Neil what are you doing, this is so not right..)" Avni struggled to speak and couldn't even finish because the next words that Neil spoke, she was never ready for those, "Bilkul theek hain, Because you are my wife!!!! (The is the most right thing in the world, because you are my wife) " Her heartbeats again skipped a few beats!
"I can touch you wherever I want, whenever I want, Now!" Sounding desperate, he added while started kissing her neckline and shoulder blades slowly! With Avni in his arms like this, made Neil feel emotionally helpless, like a child not knowing what he was doing! So he simply kept kissing her to fill the void created by himself!
Beneath the overwhelming passion, Neil yearned to adore her more going out of bounds. But at that moment, how she really felt, knowing about that was more important to him. He just made her realize he remembered his promise and his vows so now it's her turn to prove!
"So you remember! Wow!" Avni seethed in disbelief and her anger returned, "Mujhe toh laga tha main bas 14 saal ki thi, isliye shayed aap us waqt ka kiya huwa wo shaadi wo waadey sab bhul chukey hain aur tabhi itne dino se mujhse aise dur ho. Lekin aaj itni jaldi aap ko meri yaad kaise aa gayi Neil!? (I thought I was merely 14 years old back then, so maybe you had forgotten about that marriage, those promises, everything, and that's why you've kept your distance for all these years. But how did you suddenly remember me today, Neil?)" She tried to escape from his hold, everything all at once enraged her greatly.
"Itne saalo baad, Akhair aap ko yaad aa gaya Neil itne saalo baad?
Kyun Neil kyun aapne mujhe ye feel karwaya ke woh sab bas bachpan ki galtiyan thi? Aapko pata hain maine kitna bebaas mehsoos kiya?
Main kiya karti? Kise kehti? Nah koi saboot... Kisi ko pata bhi toh nahin tha, haan! Ye sab toh dur ki baat hain. Aap jaante thhey aapki Avni ek pal nahin reh sakti aapke bina aur.. Aapko ek paal ke liye dekhoon woh bhi nahin nasib hone diya aapne Neil.. Aur abhi achanak 6 saal baad sabkuch yaad aa gaya aapko?"
(Finally, you remembered, Neil, after so many years?
Why Neil Why, Why did you make me feel like those were just childhood mistakes? Do you know how helpless I felt? What could I do? Whom could I tell? With no evidence... With No one knowing!
Let alone all these, you knew your Avni can't live without you yet you didn't even let me see you for a moment, not even a glimpse Neil.
And now, suddenly, after six whole years, you remember it all?)
"Jaan mujhe mauka toh do ke main tumhe explain karoon..Tab nahin kar paya, aab toh bolne do please..
(Love give me one chance so that I can explain. I couldn't do it back then, let me say now please)" Neil made her turn around to face him. Cupped her face with his hands, " Jaannn, dekho meri taraf. Wifey I am so sorry..(Love, please look at me. Wifey I am so sorry..)" Pleading desperately.
"Bolo (Go ahead)" Came her flat tone as she spared a flickering gaze at him.
He doesn't wanna hold back more, now is the time he should try to clear the air which was toxic by layers of miscommunication and misunderstanding!
He started, "Ek raat ko I was talking to you and mom ne sun liya tha. (One night while talking to you, mom overheard me...)"
Avni looked at him blankly as he continued, "Mom ko shayad pata chal gaya tha that main tumhe pasand karta hoon par unhe nahin pata tha ke tum bhi mujhe pasand karti ho unhe laga main tumhe tang karta hoon, waise bhi tumhari aur meri shaadi bachpan mein tay kar diya gaya hain magar mummy nahin chahti thi ke main tumhe kisi bhi tarha disturb karoon. (Mom most probably figured out that I liked you but she didn't know you liked me too and so she thought I must be pestering you. And anyway, they fixed our marriage way back then so mom didn't want me to disturb you anyhow in that tangent.)" Neil took a shallow pause before continuing.
"Kyun ki unke hisab se tum bohot choti thi tab, aur theek se padhai nahin kar rahi thi. Aur woh sahi bhi thi, upar se humne chupke se shaadi bhi karli thi. Toh... Please mujhe galat maat samajhna Jaan. But.. Actually...
(Because, according to her, you were very young back then and not focusing on your studies.
And honestly, she was quite right.
Additionally, we had secretly gotten married. So... Please don't misunderstand me Jaan. But.. Actually...)" He was at a loss of words not knowing how to proceed further!
"Koi bhi wajah ho Neil , woh itni badi nahin ho sakti ki aap jab chahe mujhe aapnaye aur jab chahe mujhse door chale jaaye! Khas kar ke tab jab hamari shaadi ho gayi. Main sochti rahi, meri galti kiya hain, kyun aap ne mujhe iss kabil bhi nahin samjha ki mujhse aapni dill ki baat tab keh sake.
(Whatever the reason might be, Neil, it can't be so significant that you can embrace me whenever you want and distance yourself whenever you please! Especially after we got married.
I kept thinking, what is my fault..Back then that you didn't even consider me worthy enough to share your feelings)" Avni said crying bitterly. Looking at Neil she found him running his finger into his hair with frustration.
"Maine kab tumhe kaha ki hamari rishtey ko bhul jao? Maine toh tumhe sidhe sidhe kaha tha ki main nahin chahta tumhari padhai pe koi nukhsan ho, ya tum hamesha mere liye itni beichain raho jisse tumhare sehad kharab ho jaaye, main chahta tha sab kuch normal tarikey se ho.
(But when have I ever told you to forget our relationship? All I simply told you is that I don't want any harm to come to your studies, or for you to be so restless for my sake that it affects your health. I wanted everything to be normal)" Neil finished and exhaled deeply.
"Aap ne mujhse jhoot bola tha Neil, ek baar nahin , kai baar. Jab aap india mein aate thhey breaks mein aapne ek toh mujhe bataya nahin aur jab maine aapko phone kiya aapne mera phone tak nahin uthaya. Mere mails ke koi jawab nahin. Mano aisa ki aap ho hi nahin. Yaa phir yun kahoon, aap ke liye main thi hi nahin.
(You lied to me, Neil, not just once, but many times. When you used to come to India on breaks, you never informed me, and when I called you, you didn't even answer my calls. No reply to my emails. It's as if you didn't exist. Or should I say, I didn't exist for you, never existed for you.)" Avni retorted with fire blazing in her eyes, "Kuch chizey kehne ki zaroorat nahin hoti. Aur main kisi ko force karna bhi nahin chahti. (Some things don't need to be said. And I am not the one to force anyone.)"
"Jaan aisa bilkul nahin hain. Main jo dono baar India aaya tumhare final exams thhey uss waqt. For god sake, woh toh papa ki tabiyet kharab thi isliye mujhe india aana pada, main us waqt agar tumhe kehta tum sabkuch chod ke mere pass aa jati, aur waise bhi toh tum maan gaai thi ke hum kam communicate karenge. Ye toh tayy tha ke mere London jaane ke baad waise bhi communication kam hoga.
(Jaan, it's not like that at all. The only two times I visited India were during your final exams. For god's sake, that's also because Papa was unwell, so I had to come.
If I had told you that I am in India you would have left exams, everything to come to meet me. Didn't you too agree that we would communicate less? It was always clearly decided that our communication would be limited after I moved to London)" Neil tried to calmly present his side while keenly observing her. Seeing her crying silently he attempted to wipe her tears but she moved her hand swiftly stopping him.
"Iska ye matlab hain ki aap jhooth bolenge? Ya aise behave karenge jaise ke main exist hi nahin karti?
(Does this mean you would lie to me? Or pretend such that I don't even exist for you?)" Avni asked. She was getting a bit confused now.
"Oh! God! Avni I did not lie to you, meri baat hi nahin huwi tumse uss dauhran. Did you forget London jaane se pehle hamari kiya baat huwi thi?(Avni I never lied to you, I couldn't even talk to you during those visits. Did you forget our last talk before I moved to London?)" Neil sounded slightly agitated.
"Sach chupana bhi jhooth hi hota hain(Hiding the truth is also a lie..) Neil! It's a lie for me. And even now, What are you not telling me? Did you regret your decision?" She pierced her gaze directly looking into his eyes!
"I didn't want to meet you, go close to you ok. " He finally lost all his patience and raised his stern voice, " Haan main bekabu tha. Aur main tumhe itna zayada pyaar karta hoon ki mujhe aapne aap se darr lagne laga tha Avni. Mom se baat kar ke maine socha ki I am harming you.
I didn't wanna do that. We were going down a devastating path. I didn't want to...
(Yes, I was scared because I was not in control around you those days. And I love you so much that I had started to fear myself, Avni.
After talking to Mom, I thought I was harming you. I didn't want to do that. We were going down a devastating path. I didn't want to...)" Neil stopped with a sigh, finally, he hinted towards his darkest fear!
Now she is probably going to hate him for being a desperate or worse, "Let her think that Neil, You love this girl so if this solves this freaking misunderstanding then be it!!!" He consoled himself.
Shocking him further, Avni said, "Ruk kyun gaye? khatam karo pura phir main bolungi..(Why stop? Once you finish I will talk..)"
"Tum gussa ho rahi ho.(You are getting angry..)" He spoke innocently.
"Shayed. Par mujhe aur gussa aayega agar aapne phir se puri baat batane se pehle kuch aur bola toh! Ya bahane soch rahe ho?
(Maybe.. But I will get even more angrier if you don't tell me the entire truth today. Are you trying to find excuses now?)" She hissed at him, finally her tears had stopped!
"Accha accha thik hain baba! (Ok ok..as you say..)" He squeezed her cheeks lovingly while wiping her face as this time she didn't stop him, "You should know, you already might know that...Main bohot zayada attracted hoon,... mentally and phy.. Ahh.. Physically tumse... NOTE, I mean abhi bhi hoon...
(You should know, you already might know that. I am very attracted ..to you.. Mentally and Phy.. Ahhh Physically...
NOTE, I mean, I still am, the keyword here is present!)" Pulled her closer with a jerk as her eyes widened, "But uswaqt bilkul control nahin tha mujhe. Aur shadi ki baad jaise mujhe kuch ho gaya tha, hum bohot young thhey, and usally this was so new to us. Tumhe yaad hain ya nahin I don't know but told you about my abnormal hormonal problems on the phone! I would have hurt you agar hum saath rehte toh! So mummy ne jab mujhe kaha toh dheerey dheerey mujhe laga ke We should not talk so much or be connected with each other so much and of course dusri wajah, tumhari padhai! Tum distract ho rahi thi mere wajah se. I wanted to be your ideal, not a distraction Avni!
(But at that time, I absolutely had no control. Especially after our marriage, it felt like something had changed within me.
We were very young, and this was all so new to us. I don't know if you remember, but I told you about my abnormal hormonal problems over the phone! I would have hurt you if we were together! So when Mom told me, it struck me hard. I gradually started feeling that we should not talk so much or be too connected with each other.
And, of course, apart from this the other reason was your studies! You were getting distracted because of me. I wanted to be your inspiration, not a distraction, Avni)
"Tum bohot shararati thi. And I just wanted you to concentrate on your studies aur ghar pe waise bhi mahool kharab nahi karna tha. We were passing our adolescence. Jo ki bohot nakuk hoti hain. Maine tumhe samjhane ki try kiya tha magar tum toh tum ho...kisi ki sunti kahan ho? Isliye jab main London chala gaya dheerey dheerey hamari communication waise bhi kam ho gayi.
Lekin.. Tumhe itni takleef di hain maine I never thought. I was selfish hain na Pari? I couldn't sleep if I even heard your name from Mom and Dad. Main kaise batau main kitna pyaar karta hoon tumse? Itney dur rehke this was just my coping mechanism. The first time leaving you here in india, it was so heartbreaking I didn't want to create a situation where I had to leave you again and again.
But now I understand I was so wrong. Sab meri galti hain. Itni galatfemi aa jayegi hamare beech mein maine kabhi bhi socha nahin tha."
(You have always been a mischievous child. And I just wanted you to concentrate on your studies. Also I didn't want to disturb the atmosphere at home. We were passing through our adolescence, which is very delicate. I tried to explain to you, but you...well, you are you.
Anyway so after I went to London, our communication gradually decreased.
But... I never thought I had caused you so much pain. I was selfish, wasn't I, Pari?
I couldn't sleep even if I heard your name from Mom and Dad.
How do I tell you how much I love you?
Staying so far away, all this was just my coping mechanism. The first time I left you here in India was so heartbreaking I didn't want to create a situation where I had to leave you again and again.
But now I understand, I was so wrong. It's all my fault. I never thought misunderstandings would grow so much between us.)"
Avni scrunched her eye brows, "Ekbaar toh kaha hota , aap mujhse kyun miley bina chaley gaye Neil london? Kyun kyun kyun!
(At least you could have told me once... Just once... Why did you leave for London without even meeting me properly? Why why why!)" Lamenting, she grabbed his shirt's collar!
"Mujhe laga ki agar kuch din baat nahin hogi toh ahiste ahistey(slowly) tum mujhse dhayan hataogi aur padhai pe dhayan dogi, phir mujhe pata tha 4 saal mein meri padhai complete ho jayegi and higher study ke liye tum Delhi aaogi. Tab main tumhe shayed phir se aapna bana loonga kyun ki maine toh tumhe intezaar karne ko kaha tha Avni, tumse bohot zayada pyaar karta hoon main ye tum janti thi na Jaan, Warna main kyun tumhare kahe har lafz ko pura karta? Kyun shadi karta tumse?? Lekin mujhe samjhna chahiye tha ki meri Avni kitni badi pagal hain, wo meri kiye huwe wada pe shaq karegi ye maine nahin socha tha us waqt! Main koi safai nahin dena chahta ,tumhe bina bataye mujhse bohot badi galti ho gayi. Lekin uss waqt ye sab main meri choti si Avvu se batata bhi kaise?
Main tumhe, tumhare pyaar ko, Zaroorato ko nahi samjh paya! Mujhe maaf kardo, Please Avni!
(I thought that if we don't talk for a few days, slowly you will shift your attention away from me and focus on your studies.
Then, I knew that in 4 years, when your studies would be complete, you would come to Delhi for higher studies. Then, maybe I could make you mine again because I had precisely told you to wait, Avni.
You knew how much I love you, right? Why else would I fulfill your every single commandment? Why would I marry you? But I should have understood that my Avni is so crazy, so emotional that she will doubt even the promises I made!
That time, I never thought this way.
However, I don't want to give you any excuses. I admit that not telling you all these things clearly was a huge mistake on my part. But how could I have explained all this to my young Avvu at that time?
I couldn't understand you, your love, your needs! Forgive me, please, Avni!)" His guilt was overflowing. Taking Avni's hand in his Neil pressed a supple kiss with utmost politeness. He understood that he had hurt her deeply. Maybe she won't forgive!
But since she is not rejecting their marriage that means there is some hope left. His forehead and nose were touching hers and were in perfect sync with each other. She didn't know when she rounded her arms around his neck. She felt their lethal proximity a little too well. His nose brushing with hers, he played with her hair with one hand while rubbing her back with another in a protective way. She looked for his eyes, but those browns were closed peacefully as he was feeling her warmth and enjoying their closeness after an eternity.
Avni too felt secure in his arms but she was still angry and hurt. Despite that again whenever she looked at her husband (yes husband) she just kept staring and wanted to forget and forgive!
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