It was your fault; I knew that I insisted but you should have been firmer in turning me down. Or at least that's the excuse I gave myself because I didn't want to admit that I had a hand in this catastrophe. As you see, I was too broken to take responsibility for that night and it was easier to pin the whole disaster on you.
"'Yun..."
"Anong ibig mong sabihing 'yun?" my cousin George asked. "Wala ka pang naikukuwento. Puro 'yun lang ang sinabi mo at puro ka lang iyak. Ano bang nangyari? Did someone hurt you—"
"May nangyari sa amin ni Harold..."
"What?"
"We did it..."
"That asshole! I thought he wasn't over Paige why would he—did he force himself on you?!"
"No..."
"Did he get you drunk because if you were inebriated—"
"George, no...it was...it was the other way around...
"What do you mean?"
"I...I wanted to hold onto him...and I thought that if...if we'd do it...he'd feel obligated to—God, I'm so stupid..."
"Shh..." George had pulled me into her embrace as I bawled my eyes out.
I wasn't sure how to pick myself up after that night – where do you start mending your soul which you yourself broke? How do you live with the shame of giving the person your everything even when he has repeatedly declined?
"Hindi mo ba s'ya dadalawin?" George asked when we learned that you had to be taken to the hospital because of what she did to you.
"Bakit, dadalawin mo ba s'ya?"
"Alam mo bang hindi s'ya lumaban? He's a blackbelt in Taekwondo, too, pero hindi n'ya ako pinalagan at sorry lang s'ya nang sorry."
"George, come on—"
"Shey, alam kong nasaktan ka, Cuz. Nand'un ako n'ung iniyakan mo s'ya. Saksi rin ako sa lahat ng taon na minahal mo nang palihim si Harold. I witnessed all of it. Gusto ko lang itanong, what happened between you two, did you regret it? Pinagsisihan mo ba na ibinigay mo ang sarili mo sa kanya? Kung oo, bakit? Hindi ba ginusto mo naman at hindi ka naman n'ya pinilit—"
"He called her name out..."
"Ha?"
"While we were doing it...he called me Paige..."
"That fucking bastard..."
I wasn't sure how to start. I wasn't sure what to process first – the pain of losing the friendship because I wanted to win your heart, the shame of having to live with the fact that you rejected me in the most horrendous of ways, or the anger because surely you must have led me on; after all, I couldn't have turned this stupid without your help.
"You have to find me a boyfriend," I told my cousin.
"Ako talaga ang maghahanap para sa'yo?"
"Well, magaling ka namang maghanap. Kita mo nga, nahanap mo si Moira."
"True," George replied proudly. "My life's greatest find."
"Kaya nga h'wag ka nang maarte d'yan at hanapan mo na ako."
"Shey, I know that you are not over Harold."
"You weren't over Leslie, too, but when you found Moira, nakalimutan mo ultimo birthday ko."
"Grabe ka naman, binati naman kita."
"Pero, late na, ano. You used to call me at exactly 12:01 in the morning pero alas seis ng umaga ka na nakatawag kasi nagtelebabad kayo ni Baby."
"Lakas namang mangonsensya..."
"Whatever works, 'di ba?"
"Okay, requirements."
"Hindi seryoso."
"Anong ibig mong sabihin?"
"'Yung gusto n'ya lang ng companionship, ayaw sa kumplikasyon, at higit sa lahat matalino. Summa Cum Laude 'yung makakalaban n'ya, dapat matalino s'ya. And he should know that I'm not serious about the relationship and I just want a good time."
"Good time like sex?"
"Alam mo ang dumi ng isip mo."
George laughed. "So, walang sex na kasama?"
"Punyeta ka, ibinubugaw mo ako? Bakit, nag-aano na ba kayo ni Moira?"
"Grabe ka, ang inosente ng girlfriend ko 'tapos dudumihan mo?"
"Ako nga h'wag mong pinagloloko, oo inosente si Moira pero ikaw hindi."
"Ang sama mo sa akin. But, I just might have the man for you. His name is Devon Aboitiz."
"Sounds familiar..."
"Kilala mo rin s'ya but he's two years older than you. He graduated Summa Cum Laude from the University of Chicago Booth School of Business. He had a girlfriend for six years but one of their friends got her pregnant so he's understandably heartbroken that's why he's back in the country."
"Wait, s'ya 'yung nakita natin sa Insignia, 'di ba? 'Yung lumapit sa table natin?"
"Yes, he tried asking for your number but you turned him down."
"Because he was dead ass drunk."
George laughed. "Brokenhearted nga, eh. May hitsura naman, 'di ba?"
I nodded. "Oo."
"Do you want me to set you up on a date with him?"
"Sure."
That date was a catastrophe – Devon couldn't stop talking about his ex and we ended up weeping like those characters in Dumb and Dumber.
"Walang pag-asa itong love life ko talaga," I told my cousin two weeks later after another unsuccessful blind date.
"She's back..."
"Sino na naman 'yan, George? He and kailangan ko at hindi she—"
"Si Paige...Harold's ex, she's back...wala lang, gusto ko lang sabihin sa'yo. I want you prepared just in case they'd get back together—"
"Enough. Hindi ako interesado sa kanilang dalawa. It took me months to finally forgive myself. And now that I have, I don't want anything to do my life's biggest mistake also known as Harold Thelonious Canlas."
But, luck was never on my side; a few days later, I met Paige and her mother at a mall.
"Shey!" She hugged me happily and I knew that I shouldn't feel guilty because you weren't together when that night happened but I couldn't help it.
"Uy, kailan ka pa dumating?"
"Last week. Kumusta ka na? I heard you just came back from the States, too. Mukhang hiyang na hiyang ka d'un, ah, you're glowing."
I smiled. "You look fab as always, Paige."
"Did you delete your Facebook? Hindi kasi kita mahanap. Unless you blocked me pala..." She laughed.
"Ahh...I deactivated my social media accounts..."
"Kaya pala. I tried contacting you through e-mail, too, but I got an error message saying that the account does not exist. I want to send you an invitation. Ikakasal na kasi ako."
"Congratulations."
"Thank you. I will send your invitation na lang through the mail. Pumunta ka, ha. Magtatampo kaming dalawa ni Harold kung hindi ka a-attend."
That was a week ago and I wasn't sure what exactly you were trying to prove but you seemed to double your efforts to reach out to me now that Paige was back.
"Humingi sa akin ng pabor ang kinakapatid mo. Magpapatayo raw s'ya ng bagong bahay."
"Well, good for him. But, I do not understand why I have to handle the project, Dad? Ang dami-dami nating engineers, bakit naman ako pa?"
"Well, Harold specifically asked for you. Ang sabi n'ya ay kilala mo raw s'ya at alam mo kung ano ang gusto n'ya kaya sa tingin n'ya ay mapapadali kung ikaw ang hahawak nitong project—"
"Dad, I am already handling a project with Kuya Drix—"
"I removed you from that project para matutukan mo 'to—"
"Daddy! How could you do that without even consulting me?"
"Shey-shey, alam kong nagkasamaan kayo ng loob. You used to go with us for our weekly lunch date with his parents. Pero, ngayon humahanap ka na ng rason para hindi makasama. Ano bang nangyari sa inyong dalawa?"
"It was just a prank, Dad, that went too far..." I lied to my father because I couldn't possibly tell him that I had lost my virginity to his godson.
"Kayo talagang dalawa. Sabi ko na nga ba darating 'yung panahon na magkakainisan kayo ni Harold dahil d'yan sa pranks n'yo. Matatanda na kayo, in fact, mag-aasawa na 'yung kinakapatid mo, it's high time you stop acting like children."
"Magkakaayos din po kami," I said in a steady voice even when inside, I was slowly dying.
"Well, maybe that's the reason why Harold wants you to handle this project para magkaayos kayong dalawa. Please, Anak, do this for me. I have not told him yet, but the house will be our family's gift to him and his wife as they start this new chapter in their lives..."
You know what, you should have let me mourn in peace. You should have allowed me to keep the modicum of self-respect that was the only thing holding me together while I tried picking up pieces of my broken self. You should have just let me be.
But you're a despicable piece of shit so here we are...
"Hi, Shey-shey..." you said as you stood before extending your hand towards me.
I ignored it and then sat down. "Dad said that you asked for me?"
You smiled withdrawing your hand before taking a seat. "Oo. Ang sabi nga n'ya ay hindi naman kayo talaga tumatanggap ng construction ng bahay but since I am his godson ay pumayag s'ya."
I stared unsmiling at you.
"Anyway, I ordered food for you. Alam ko naman kung anong paborito mo—"
"Hindi ako gutom but I'm thirsty..." I turned my head to call the attention of the waiter.
"It's okay, I ordered your favorite wine, too," you told me as you motioned to the waiter who immediately hurried over to fill the wine glass in front of me. "Drink up, my treat."
I held the glass of wine swirling its contents. "This house, do you have a design in mind?"
"Well, I have a lot of ideas in my head but I couldn't seem to put them on paper. Kaya ang sabi ko nga ay kausapin muna kita since you have degrees in architecture and civil engineering—"
"I'm expensive," I said cutting you off before I put the glass down. "Baka mapapamahal ka kung ako ang kukunin mo. However, I prepared a list of names that are highly recommended—"
"I can afford you."
Ang kapal.
I smiled at you. "No, you can't."
You chuckled. "I can, Shey-shey. May ipon ako."
Lord, bigyan mo po ako ng pasensya. Ayokong makapatay...
I smiled. "I see," I said taking my mobile tablet out of my bag. "Tell me what you have in mind so I will have a rough idea of what designs to send you. Anything specific that you want to be included—?"
"Can we go to the site? Gusto ko kasing makita mo mismo 'yung lupa."
"I can't. May prior engagement ako. May usapan kasi kami ni George—what are you doing?"
"I'm calling George..."
"She's got a new number."
"I know, Ninong gave it to me. Ngayon lang kasi ako may time para bumisita sa site. I am currently in law school and I am also working as a professor kaya medyo gahol ako sa oras—hi, George...si Harold 'to. I got your number from Ninong at pasensya na kung bigla akong napatawag...okay lang naman...oo nga, eh, ang tagal na nating hindi nagkakausap...yes, I'm great pero, gusto ko sanang hiramin muna si Shey-shey kasi bibisitahin namin 'yung site ng ipinapatayo kong bahay...but she told me na may lakad daw kayo...you want to talk to her...? Okay, wait..."
You handed your phone over to me. "Gusto ka raw n'yang kausapin."
"George..." I said over the phone as I turned away from you.
"Anong paandar 'to, Sheila Prudence...?" my cousin asked; there was laughter in her voice.
"Ay, gan'un? Hindi tayo pwedeng mag-reschedule? Sayang naman. Sige, I will tell the client."
"Shey, kausapin mo na kasi 'yan para tapos na..."
"Oo nga, eh. Ngayon lang daw kasi s'ya may time but since we can't reschedule our meeting ay sasabihin ko na lang na sa susunod na."
"Cuz, h'wag kang duwag. Kausapin mo na s'ya and get over it. S'ya na ang gumawa ng paraan o."
"Kung hindi ka pa tatahimik d'yan, malilintekan ka na sa akin, oo nga sisipot ako..." I said laughing softly as I heard my cousin sigh. "Okay, see you later..." I added ending the call.
I handed the phone back to you. "Sorry. Hindi kasi kami pwedeng mag-reschedule. Nakakahiya naman doon sa client—"
"Ninong said that you are only handling one project and it's with Kuya Drix."
Bakit ba napakakapal ng mukha nito? Hindi bale, aalis ka na rin naman uli ng bansa in two months' time, pagtiisan mo na lang muna 'yang taong 'yan...
"But, I understand kung ayaw mo akong kausapin. You're hurt and that's going to take a while—"
"Excuse me? Don't you fucking tell me how I feel. Wala kang karapatan."
"Shey—"
"I do not know what your plan is and I don't care. I just want you to stop."
"Pakinggan mo naman ako. Please..." you said and I hated how my heart lurched at your words.
But what you said next made me understand your actions more.
"Kahit ngayon lang...please, kahit ngayon lang before...before I..." you trailed off.
Before I marry the love of my life... my mind finished your sentence for you.
"I'm not going to tell her don't worry," I said. "I will take that secret to the grave."
"Shey—"
"I promise, walang ibang makakaalam sa nangyari."
"George knows."
"S'ya lang and I trust her. Alam kong wala s'yang ibang pagsasabihan..."
Well except her girlfriend...I quietly added in my head. But, Harold doesn't have to know that.
"Nabasa mo ba 'yung e-mail ko four months ago? Sinagot kita kaagad—"
"I changed e-mails. Pasensya ka na, hindi ko na nabasa 'yung reply mo. I was drunk when I wrote to you at sa totoo lang ay hindi ko na matandaan kung ano ang isinulat ko doon. Kung ano man ang laman n'un, ako na mismo ang magsasabi ngayon that I never meant any of it—"
"My mother knows."
"Knows what...?"
"Alam n'yang may nangyari sa atin..."
I stared dumbfounded at you.
"My dad knows, too. I didn't know what to do so I had to tell my parents—"
"Are you fucking serious...?" I asked you aghast.
"And I had to tell my sisters because when George physically attacked me, they were thinking of pressing charges and I didn't want that to happen...kaya gusto kitang makausap because I want to give you a heads up."
I was slowly but progressively drowning in mortification. "Are you kidding me right now, Harold Thelonious Canlas?!"
"Sheila Prudence Yañez, I didn't know what to do. Ilang beses kitang sinubukang tawagan pero nagbago ka ng number. Pati e-mail mo, dinelete mo. Pumunta ako sa bahay n'yo pero umalis ka at nagpunta ka sa ibang bansa—"
"Oh, God, shut up..." I said slapping a hand over my mouth because I suddenly felt queasy. I picked up the glass of wine but changed my mind.
You stood and you walked over to me to gently massage my back. "When was your last period, Shey?"
"Oh, God, do you freaking mind? Hindi ako buntis—"
"Drink that wine."
"What?"
"Drink it kung hindi ka talaga buntis."
I glowered at you, picked up the glass, and you watched me gulp down the contents. I put the glass down and without a word, I stood and headed out the door.
I walked to where I parked my car cursing you in my head as I slid into the driver's seat before I pushed the door wider to spit the wine out.