It takes at least three days for Barcode to understand that not all the coconut water in the world can cure what doesn't even need to be cured. And also to accept that Jeff was completely right about the fact Barcode would be missing him. This morning when he needs to go to the company, the distance is almost unbearable, but he still hopes he won't find him.
With his head still a little dazed, Barcode has spent the last few days trying to organize his thoughts, but failing to reach a conclusion he considered reasonable. Maybe because none of them seem to match what he feels deep down in his heart. When questioned by his sister after refusing to leave his room for the last few days, he almost burst into tears and told her everything. Not that he's worried about her finding out, but he doesn't even know what to say.
At the meeting he's having with some co-workers, Barcode hardly pays attention to what is being discussed about some advertisements and schedules the company has for the upcoming months. Teased a few times about being strangely silent, he struggles a bit to make a few jokes and get a laugh from his friends, but deep down he's grateful when they're finally released and almost runs out of the meeting room.
"Barcode!"
Already with his cell phone in hand, ready to call a car and return to the safety of his room, Barcode stops on his way to the exit when he hears Bible calling him. He approaches, slightly panting after apparently running after him.
"Have lunch with me." It doesn't look like an invitation, but rather a statement.
"Why?" The younger man's eyebrows rise in confusion when he expresses genuine doubt.
"Because I'm paying." Bible laughs lightly and pushes him by the shoulder, eliciting a laugh from him. "Come on, choose something to be delivered." Bible indicates Barcode's cell phone with his head.
Still a little confused, not hungry at all or willing to stay, the younger man does as he asks. He enjoys Bible's company. The truth is that Barcode doesn't tend to do many things alone with any of his other colleagues. Normally, when they are traveling, they go out in groups, almost always among the same people, but still in groups. And this has nothing to do with not feeling comfortable or anything like that. Over time Barcode understood that it is simply natural for some to be closer to others and, in his case, he has always been closer to Jeff.
It is with this in mind that Barcode concludes why perhaps he has always had an easy conversation with Bible. Him and Jeff are similar in a lot of ways, although Bible is definitely quieter, introverted in a different way. At first he even thought he irritated his co-worker a little, until he realized that it's just Bible's way and that in that silent guy lives a big heart.
For some reason, Bible chooses an empty room when the food arrives, even though he's pretty sure some of the other guys are still there. They settle down at one of the tables where they usually hold meetings and begin to eat in silence.
"Is Phi going to tell me now why he invited me to lunch?" Barcode asks with his mouth full, seeing the other smile with just his eyes behind his prescription glasses.
"Smarty." Bible says simply and for a moment it seems like he's not going to say anything else, but then he finally continues. "I want to know how you're feeling."
When Bible looks up at him, his brain makes all the obvious connections, and Barcode is sure this is about Jeff.
"Did he go running to tell you?" He lets out a little more grumpily than he intended as he picks at his food.
"Running... Maybe?" Bible is still watching him, Barcode doesn't need to look to know. "But I want to know how you are."
With a pout he knows inevitably appears on his lips, Barcode stuffs his mouth some more before shrugging and not responding. It's a bit annoying how Bible seems to wait all the time in the world, but Barcode knows he can be even more stubborn than the other's patience is capable of handling.
Definitely.
"Okay, if you're not telling me anything, then I will." Bible begins after a while of them just eating in silence. "I know exactly how you're feeling. Jeff is probably one of your best friends and it's terrifying to realize that you have different feelings for a friend." When he says that, Barcode finally looks up. Bible has a serious expression, staring at him. "Because we are afraid that if, in the worst case scenario, everything goes wrong, one of the two or even both of them won't be able to go back to being friends, won't be able to go back to the way it was before.
Hearing that makes Barcode feel like his head is going to explode after a great epiphany, no matter how silly it may seem. In a few words, Bible manages to help him decode all his thoughts and feelings, organize them perfectly and return them to the right places within himself.
"But what if that happens?" He asks so quietly that he can barely hear himself.
"It's very scary, I know, but are you going to deny living this because of an if?" Bible smiles and shrugs, leaning back in the chair. "I'd give it a go, because I can't bear the thought of regretting not having tried." He takes a moment and smiles more calmly. "You will eventually like someone and not be reciprocated, please enjoy it now that you are."
A weak laugh escapes Barcode's lips when he hears the other. He needs to look away when his nose itches and his heart feels lighter.
"And what do I do now?" Barcode shrugs and pouts again. "He probably hates me?"
Bible laughs.
"Jeff doesn't hate anyone and even less so if that someone is you, don't pretend you don't know that."
That familiar tickle in his stomach shows up again, and now that he knows exactly what it is, Barcode thinks he can get used to it.
*
The time spent between returning home and crossing almost all of Bangkok to Jeff's means that Barcode arrives there in the early evening, hoping that he will be home. Like every time he's there, Barcode is welcomed by whoever opens the door. This time it is Jesse, his younger brother, who indicates the well-known way to the studio.
The nervousness only reappears when he faces the familiar closed door. Everything he has been rehearsing to say once he got there disappears instantly, but before he gives up, he knocks twice and opens the door slowly.
It takes a few seconds for the chair to spin around and reveal Jeff in one of his comfy sweatshirts and with his guitar in his arms. His naturally straight and disheveled hair frames the surprised expression that he makes no effort to hide.
"May I come in?" Barcode asks quietly, still standing by the open door.
"Of course." Jeff responds while nodding his head and putting the guitar aside.
Barcode gets inside and closes the door behind him. His eyes still stay on the floor as he turns around and then he stares at his own hands when he doesn't know what to do with them.
"Are you okay?" Jeff asks in an almost hesitant tone.
A little helpless, Barcode just laughs weakly. Of course the first thing Jeff would ask is how he is, even though in the last few days Barcode has probably hurt him. Because that's Jeff. For this and so many other reasons, Barcode simply couldn't help but be completely in love.
"Why is P'Jeff like that?" He asks, almost amused, slowly looking up at him. The expression on Jeff's face becomes a little confused, which makes Barcode laugh lightly once again and shake his head. "I'm fine."
Jeff still remains silent for the time they just stare at each other. Barcode has always liked seeing him like this, at home, in his oversized and comfy clothes, sometimes in his white socks, sitting in some strange way that is just his. It's the perfect definition of what they've always called a comfort zone. Jeff, his studio, the songs they make there, the comforting silence in that exchange of glances. Barcode realizes now how attached he was to certain details of this relationship long before the trip.
"I came to talk." He says while indicating the sofa where he walks to.
"Please." Jeff hurries to move the guitar he just placed there, leaving it in another corner.
Without the shoes that were left at the entrance of the house, Barcode sits comfortably with his legs crossed beneath him, then finally looks at Jeff better, more closely. Jeff still doesn't hide his expression, but this time he looks anxious.
"I'm scared." Barcode starts exactly from where he thinks he should. "Because I've never felt anything like that and it's all... A lot, you know? I feel suffocated sometimes and even though everything is wonderful, I'm afraid of being disappointed." Gesticulating too much as he tries to explain himself, it is inevitable to feel his nose burning and his eyes watering. When Barcode least expects it, his voice is already broken. "But my biggest fear is that in the end of all this I will lose Phi."
A few stubborn tears escape when he says it out loud.
"Code—" Jeff says softly and slides the chair a little closer.
"Let me finish or I won't be able to." Barcode asks, shaking his hand towards him and Jeff gets silent. "What will I have left if that happens, you know? What if I no longer have my P'Jeff?" He asks, his voice almost no longer coming out. "These past few days were the worst, because I had no one to talk to. It's Phi who I would talk to about all this and who would give me advice and—Do you understand?" Pausing to dry his face on the sleeve of his own sweatshirt, he continues afterwards. "But someone really nice told me that I can't give up because of things that I don't even know will happen, and I agree. That's why I'm here."
Barcode swallows hard and nods to indicate that he has finished speaking. Jeff has the same affectionate look that Barcode now recognizes he has directed at him since the first time they met.
"Oh, Code." He sighs, laughing lightly and shaking his head. "I honestly don't even know what to say to you, I just want to be with you so much." Jeff closes his eyes and Barcode feels his own eyes blur even more. "I can't promise you anything that's beyond my reach, but I'll do my best to make sure we never get hurt." He comes a little closer and turns his palms up in invitation. "I can promise you that I will respect you, be sincere and love you with all my heart."
A more relieved cry escapes amid the laughter that Barcode finally lets himself express as soon as the urge comes. His hands then hold Jeff's and it's as if a wave of electricity immediately ran through his entire body.
"It's okay, you don't need to take an oath as if we were going to get married." He states, still half-laughing, shaking his head.
Jeff laughs too and lets go of one of his hands to dry his eyes and Barcode can't control the urge to tilt his face towards it. They still look at each other for a few minutes before Jeff leaves the chair for the sofa and they finally hug each other.
It's as if everything inside Barcode is finally falling back into place.
Little by little, Barcode regains the feeling of well-being that comes with being in Jeff's arms and having him in his. When he buries his face in Jeff's shoulder, he takes a deep breath, filling his lungs with Jeff's scent, grabbing him a little by his sweatshirt when he feels almost dizzy. Then he puts his face against the side of his head, feeling the soft hair that now smells of the characteristic children's shampoo and no longer the hotel's.
"Phi." The call comes out in a whisper.
"Yes?" Jeff pulls back a little to look at him.
"Kiss Me?"
The request comes at the same time as he leans towards Jeff and feels his lips welcome his own as always: soft, fitting them perfectly, wet in the right amount and eliciting a low moan. Jeff's fingers lightly caress the back of his neck while his own, a little more flustered, mess up his hair even more, filling his hands with them.
"P'Jeff was right." He mumbles after kissing him for a while. "It became unbearable, I couldn't take it anymore."
"I know." Jeff just laughs a little and nods, pulling him closer. "I know."
Amidst smiles that never leave either of their lips, they exchange another intense kiss, but slowly, as if now they finally no longer need to rush into anything.
Barcode doesn't know when they end up lying down and sharing the small sofa in the studio. Face to face, they remain silent, his own arms firmly around Jeff who's on the edge. They stay like that for a while, just looking at each other, exchanging simple but meaningful smiles, caressing each other's faces and sharing many, many kisses.
"So this is how it feels?" Barcode asks softly after a long period lost in his own thoughts and in Jeff's gaze.
The older man looks at him with a half smile and slightly narrows his eyes in his direction.
"How what feels?"
"This urge of wanting to live in someone." He explains while tucking a strand of hair behind Jeff's ear. He smiles more. "Is this what it's like to be in love?"
Jeff wrinkles his nose in that way he always does when he really likes something — Barcode adds this to his list of reasons why he loves him — and then lets out a hearty laugh, squeezing the younger man in his arms until he groans.
"If this is how you feel, know that the doors are always open."