No tws :) I guess slight panick attack idk
@michelammm on pinterest for chapters icon :)
That morning i woke up to the doorbell insistently ringing.
I lazily covered my ears with my pillow, my eyes squinted together in hope the person behind the door would eventually give up bothering me.
But after a whole minute of that annoying sound repeating what seemed like a million times i groaned and got out of bed, dragging myself to the source of my unpleasant awakening.
I opened the door, my face contorced in an upset expression which was quick to change as soon as i saw who was behind it.
"Karl?"
"I need to talk to you."
I gestured him to get in and made him sit on the couch.
I watched him as i leaned onto the doorframe of the living room with crossed arms.
He lowered his head and waited before speaking, as if he had to find the right words, his leg nervously shaking and his nails tortured by his gritted teeth biting onto them.
"I just got the letter from the casino."
And at that statement i felt my heart shatter.
"Oh."
I knew that time would have come sooner or later, i couldn't deny it, but nothing could've prepared me to the hurt i felt in that moment.
I put a hand on my forehead and tried stopping my head from spinning.
"Are you okay?" He asked worriedly, standing up and starting to walk towards me.
"Sorry, I feel a little dizzy."
He gently grabbed my arm and led me to the sofa, where i sat with him.
I waited a couple moments, letting the silence sink in before speaking.
"When?"
"Next week."
I slowly nodded, my gaze fixed on the rug under me. I started feeling my body warm up and my palms sweat.
"You were right about breaking up."
Those words left my lips in a slow, burning pain, and i looked up at him as i noticed the air shift near me.
He was so small, nervous, uncomfortable.
"You deserve the right to fall in love with someone closer." I sighed, my gaze shifting to a random spot out the window.
He rested his hand on my leg, gently caressing it.
"You to-"
"No Karl, I won't. I won't fall in love with anyone else. I can't love anyone but you and you don't seem to fucking understand." I interrupted him as i moved away in irritation, my words full of annoyance and more aggressive than i intended them to be.
His body shifted again, becoming even smaller. I hated the way I could make him feel. Then i fucked everything up even more.
"If you really cared." I mumbled, not thinking he would even hear it.
It was stupid, foolish, false. I knew how much he cared, but i hated him for leaving me like that. I was scared he would have stopped loving me with the same ease he fell for me.
He got up abruptly. "No, no you can't do this to me!" He shouted starting to run away, but I grabbed his arm and made him turn around.
"If you really cared, Karl, you would've stayed." I barked back, my grip getting tighter.
He just watched through me with lucid eyes, as If i wasn't really there. And with each word i spoke i died more and more.
"You're hurting me." He whispered as a tear ran down his cheeks.
I knew he wasn't just referring to his arm, I knew he was talking about my words, my stupidity, my unreasoned jealousy, my fears.
I saw his eyes tint with hurt i wish i had never gotten to see.
I let him go and fell on my knees as i watched the front door slam.
I stayed a few minutes like that, crying for something i had created, for hurting him, for having to leave him, for fear he would have taken that train with a sigh of relief because i wasn't gonna be there anymore.
I would have loved dying like that, drying up like a fallen leaf and crumbling under someone's carelessness as they stepped on whatever remained of my body and soul; but someone shuffling upstairs interrupted me.
I panicked, stood up way too fast, and with my head still spinning I closed myself in the first room i saw: the kitchen.
I heard footsteps approach me, then a few knocks.
"Are you okay? I heard someone yelling."
I sucked a shaky breath in, then tried calming my voice before speaking.
"Yeah, Yeah i'm okay Ran." I sniffled, trying to wipe the tears off of my face.
A doubtful "okay" could be heard from the other side of the door, but i still appreciated the way he never insisted when someone didn't want to tell everything.
I tried washing my face and just waited in hope i wouldn't look as if i had cried for twenty minutes straight, which, to be fair, was exactly what i did.
I slowly unlocked the kitchen door and started making some eggs for breakfast, not aware of the fact I was as fragile as their shells.
I broke one into the pan and watched as the yolk unhappily started dripping everywhere. I felt incredibly upset and sad by the view so i tried adding another one, but the yolk of that one started bleeding as well.
I hated it so much, it made me want to destroy them, so i did.
I started mixing everything, suddently craving scrambled eggs, but as i violently stirred into the pan a bit of oil leaped out, burning my hands.
"Fuck!"
I let everything go in a loud drop and started miserably crying, crouching down and pulling fine strands of hair from my head.
I was miserable over broken eggs.
Fucking broken eggs.
I heard fast steps approach me.
"Are you okay?" He said, closing the gas and putting a few fingers on mine so i would stop hurting myself.
I just nodded, my head hidden behind my knees.
"Sap, what is it? You kept crying this morning, and now I see you like this. Did something happen?"
I slightly looked up, still not wanting my brother to see me like that.
"You can eat the eggs, I'm not hungry."
I said, slipping then away from him, my head low and my steps swift.
I passed in front of their room, and of course Bill was still sleeping.
Then I hid inside mine.
The whole morning i just cried, punched walls, tried reading and cried again as i couldn't focus on the words.
I had to do something about it.
I finally put some clothes on, fixed my hair and sprayed my perfume. I went downstairs and knocked on the kitchen, opening the door. "I need to go somewhere. Prepare something for lunch, I'm not sure if I'm gonna come."
He turned around with a worried expression, maybe even pitiful.
"Please eat something and be safe."
I slowly nodded, then exited the house without a word.
I didn't know what i would have said exactly or if he would have even let me say anything at all, but i needed to apologize.
I thought he was at the shop, but once i went there no trace of him seemed to be there.
I asked his grandmother, and she told me he might have been out for a walk.
So i searched him everywhere, on the hill, at the mint camp, at the fair, even at the waterfall, but he was nowhere to be found.
My last option was hoping he got home sooner than expected.
I stood in front of the poarch, trying to keep a steady breathing as my shaky fists inched to the door.
I waited a few minutes after knocking, and as I was about to leave the door opened.
He just looked at me, staring as if no one was there. He was about to close the door when i stopped him, forcing my way into the entrance.
"Karl." I breathed out, pouncing to his lips. I felt him melt at the touch as he kissed me back once, coldly pushing me away immediately after.
"No"
"Please, let me talk."
"No."
"Karl-" I cried, walking up to him.
Then he slapped me.
It was abrupt, unexpected, not of his nature. He would have never resorted to violence, and I couldn't believe he had done something like that.
I simply stared at him wide eyed.
He flinged onto me, kissing me with a passion that burned against my skin like fire, with anger, disappointment, fear, love.
He told me everything he thought in a silent way only I and him would have been able to understand. And he grabbed my soul with my shirt, tight between his fingers, ripping it off and with it every sour thought that never left my side since that morning.
He closed the door and as we went into his bedroom we never stopped kissing, touching, filling every space that was left empty.
We tore each other apart and glued the parts back in as if we were just pieces of puzzles.
--
Messy sheets covered his slim body, but their transparency allowed me to catch a glimpse of it.
I gently uncovered his hip, tracing with my pointer finger a bite mark i had left on it.
He was draped over me, his head on my chest and his hair ticklish on my bare skin.
"I'm sorry." I whispered, kissing the top of his head.
"I know you're scared, but you can't do this everytime." He scolded, looking up.
I lifted his chin with my thumb and index, stealing a soft kiss from him.
"I know, and i'm sorry love."
"Why did you come here by the way? Knowing you, you would have ignored me all day." He asked, fixing himself a bit higher so he could look at me better.
"First of all, rude. Second, you're right, i would have ignored you. But i felt too guilty." I looked at him for a second, then smiled. "Plus i thought that, even when you're mad, you still look incredibly hot and i needed to taste you again."
He hid on the crook of my neck and slapped me lightly. "You're such an idiot."
"Your body isn't saying the same thing."
I teased, resting my hand on his lower back and slowly letting it fall lower.
"You're disgusting!" He groaned, hiding himself even more.
Once again i breathed his essence in, hoping my lungs would preserve some for the lonely days.
He felt small again, but this time not out of shame or anger. He was like a little kid seeking for sheer, naive love. And I would have given him as much as he needed.
It was the last breath of air before getting dunk in water.
-
1804 words
Kind of a filler chapter(?) I needed to write this for character development. Let me tell you it's gonna get angstier each chapter.
Ummm yeah sorry for late post but i started school a week ago and it will take a lot of time off my days and also i'm literally ill rn...
I miss breathing with both nostrills :')