there is no way to stop it any longer.
it's now or never.
joshua latches his shaky hand on the doorknob. fuck it. fuck everything. fuck him—
the doorknob is a millisecond away from being twisted—so close.
the next second, joshua finds himself getting pinned to the door. his eyes wide and shaking.
w-what?
lips.
jeonghan is kissing him. the blonde moves his lips roughly, trying to get the younger to do the same. however, joshua is too stunned to register what in the freaking world is happening.
everything is a mess.
a whole damn mess.
w-why? flinching back to reality, joshua frowns and pushes the older away harshly. "yoon jeonghan! what do you think—"
jeonghan cuts him off by pulling him back by the nape into an desperate kiss. joshua protests but it is to no avail. he's too strong!
jeonghan's head is clouded right now; he can't think straight. whether if joshua wants the kiss or not, he doesn't care. he just wants to claim joshua as his.
he needs to, or else he feels like he will lose him forever.
joshua's watery eyes shake as he stares at the boy. just why...why are you doing this to me?
a tear rolls down his flush cheek as he slowly closes his eyes, giving up. the hands that tried to push jeonghan away are now on his sides. he doesn't return the kiss. a part of him is afraid to do so, but he doesn't protest.
it frustrates the older that joshua isn't returning the action. 'does that mean joshua doesn't like him'? despite this worry, jeonghan refuses to declare so.
jeonghan finally disconnected their lips. his eyes slowly open to look at the other's straight in the eyes. your eyes...
"joshua," he calls. the said boy stares at him with teary eyes. "i like you."
the younger cannot believe what he just heard. it feels like a dream. ridiculous, it must be a dream.
gulping down nervously, joshua clenches his fists. he tries to hide his nervousness through hard eyes. "don't be ridiculous. no you d—"
"no, listen to me. listen carefully," the older's voice holds nothing but seriousness. the eye contact is making it harder for joshua to breathe. "joshua hong."
no, stop it. i don't want to hear it, not when i have decided to give up on you.
please...i don't want to get hurt any more than this.
because if it turns out to be a lie, there will be nothing left of me.
i want to protect myself for once...
"i love you."
jeonghan's eyes hold so much emotions. joshua has never seen him like that before. he makes it sound so real. but is he really telling the truth? does he really love him and not just in the moment?
"joshua, i love you. i really do."
the boy scoffs, "do you think you're making any sense right now? jeonghan, it hasn't even been a month since you broke up with seungcheol. you..you're just messing with me, aren't you?"
"do i look like that kind of person to you?" jeonghan's soft voice is filled with hurt and frustration.
no, he's not. of course joshua knows that. the guy may be a big flirt and hates taking things seriously, but he's not that type of person.
"i know it sounds crazy. trust me—i know. but i'm telling the truth."
joshua remains quiet as he continues to clench his fists on his sides. if he loosens them, he is afraid he would jump right back into the fire.
the fire he has never been able to escape.
and this time, i may not be able to once again.
"please, let me explain."
"have you..calmed down yet?" jeonghan asks softly. the boy beside him fiddles with his fingers, not sure if he's ready to hear jeonghan out.
it's not that joshua doesn't want to. if anything, he's dying to know. it's just that, he knows whatever the older is going to tell him will be too overwhelming.
with no response, jeonghan sighs. he also looks down at his fingers and plays with them boringly. he doesn't know what to do besides waiting for joshua to give him the cue that he's ready.
now that jeonghan has nothing to do, his mind replays the scene from a moment ago.
and he wants to punch himself square in the face.
he shuts his eyes tightly and frowns, trying not to groan loudly at his stupid mistake. why the fuck did i do that? gosh, yoon jeonghan, you literally forced yourself onto joshua!
forget the explanation. he wants to bury himself six feet under right this instant. it would be so embarrassing to even look at joshua's way after his shameful behavior.
explanation? can i just skip that part and die right now?
"jeonghan?"
"h-huh?" he whips his head to the honey voice so fast he thought his neck got dislocated. ow, i think i just heard a loud crack.
joshua's eyes widen in surprise. he scoots a little closer to the older unconsciously, worried. "are you okay? that was a loud crack..."
"what? o-oh, yeah, i'm fine!"
the younger avoids eye contact again, "i'm ready."
jeonghan stares at him for a few seconds before letting out a sigh. he knew he would have to tell joshua everything sooner or later, and seungcheol is right. the first person who deserves to know everything is joshua.
let's not run away anymore, yoon jeonghan.
and so he starts from the plan to how his oblivious self came to realize his feelings for the bambi-eyed boy a bit too late.
after jeonghan carefully took his time to explain the whole mess and joshua listened attentively without looking sparing the blonde boy a glance, they are now sitting in complete silence.
jeonghan stares at joshua, waiting for him to speak up. every passing second, the boy gets more nervous, scared of joshua's reaction.
but, the american boy's face is unreadable. it's hard for jeonghan to figure out. when did it become difficult for jeonghan to see through joshua?
is he mad..?
"i'm sorry," jeonghan initiates the conversation. "i know it was wrong of me. seungcheol was against the idea at first, but i technically forced him. i just—i just didn't know my feelings back then...but now i know. i know where my heart lies."
it would be a lie if joshua says he is not upset after the explanation. he is really upset. even though he understands why jeonghan chose to do that, he still feels like he was being played this whole time.
however, what he is upset about the most is the way his heart is pounding to fast in the situation. after everything—after all the hurt he has endured, his heart still beats for yoon jeonghan only.
"and i hope you feel the same way."
hearing that, joshua immediately lifts his head and turns to the side only to see the older already staring at him. his eyes hold so much sincerity.
joshua wants to cry.
he wants to be mean. he wants to reject the other. maybe the anger is getting ahead of him. maybe it may turn out for the worse. but he's too upset to think clearly.
"what makes you think i feel the same way?" he bites his bottom lip to prevent the obvious trembling.
did i mistaken it? did seungcheol mistaken it? jeonghan's confidence wavers. it's possible that the younger doesn't reciprocate his feelings.
i'm not letting you slip away though.
"it's okay if you don't like me romantically. i'll make you fall for me."
joshua lets out a soft scoff, "are you that confident?"
"yeah," jeonghan replies back in a flash. what's there to think? he knows the answer; he knows who he wants. it has to be you and no one else. "i'm confident. i'm not going to give up. i will court you until you see me more than just a best friend. at any cost."
joshua frowns. "you—"
"it's okay. please don't feel pressured. i'm not saying it to make you feel uncomfortable. i don't want that. all i'm saying is—"
"yoon jeonghan, you idiot," joshua says. the frown deepens as his watery eyes glare at the clueless boy.
jeonghan blinks, confused. what? he thought his speech was pretty good.
"uh—" jeonghan grunts softly at the force. joshua just threw himself at the older, hugging him tightly.
jeonghan is still confused. at the same time, his heartbeat is accelerating from the hug.
suddenly, he hears soft sobbing as the hug gets tighter, if that's even possible. it's getting hard to breathe but he is more concerned about the boy.
"joshua? hey, what's wrong?" he tries to pull the younger away to check on him, but joshua shakes his head and buries his face into jeonghan's shoulder.
"be quiet," the younger mumbles.
not knowing what to do, jeonghan resorts to adjusting his sitting posture a little before making joshua sits comfortably on his lap. he pats his back with one hand as he lets the other rests on joshua's small waist.
the two sit in a comfortable silence with jeonghan continuously comforting the crying boy.
this scene has taken up two chapters, and it will continue on to another chapter hehe
😌