A/N HEY EVERYONE I AM SO SO SO SORRY I TOOK SO LONG TO UPDATE. I HAD WRITERS BLOCK BECAUSE I SIMPLY COULDN'T WRITE THIS CHAPTER. IT WAS A DIFFICULT ONE TO WRITE. I JUST KEPT GOING AWAY FROM IT AND NOT WANTING TO BE IN IT AT ALL. ANYWAY WHILE YOU READ THIS PLEASE LISTEN TO 'NEVER SAY NEVER' BY THE FRAY AS THIS CHAPTER WAS INSPIRED BY IT AND IT MIGHT HELP. HOPE YOU ENJOY IT. ALL THE LOVE M XXX
Their first concert of their On The Road Again tour was a success. A sold out stadium which easily hosted 71,000 screaming fans. Louis rushed off stage before the others. Adrenaline still coursed through his veins, his ears ringing from all the screaming and the loud music. He felt satisfied though because they had done an amazing job and pleased the crowd. As always!
He hurried to the VIP lounge they were using as their multi purpose room: wardrobe, hair and make up. The other VIP lounge, the one they had been in yesterday, they were using for chilling in and relaxing. Louis needed to get there before the others, he needed a few minutes to bring himself down from the high he always got from performing to their lovely, awesome fans. They never failed to amaze and the support they always got from them was incredible. He loved performing for them and he really put his heart and soul into every show, only, tonight his heart and mind where somewhere else.
He pushed open the door to VIP lounge number 2 and breathed a sigh of relief thankful of the silence of the room. He walked over to the couch and plopped down on it, picking up his phone where he had left it on the small table before the show. 25 texts from Harry and 6 missed calls also from Harry, not counting yesterday's missed calls and texts. Louis sighed, ignoring once again the texts and calls.
'So you do check your phone?' Harry's voice startled him. Louis looked up and saw Harry standing just inside the door. He hadn't heard him come in. Louis kept his eyes on him for a few seconds. Harry was dressed all in black, his hair up in a bun and he looked sweaty and tired but most of all he looked sad. Louis pushed his sweaty fringe to the side out of his eyes nervously.
'Yeah I was gonna...'
'Reply after ignoring me all day yesterday and today?' Harry asked him in a low voice. He walked over to him and sat on the couch beside him, not too close. He could hear his pulse beating in his ears, or maybe it was the echo of the loud music. He couldn't be sure but what he was sure of was that his heart was not racing from just being on stage but from all the emotions Louis had been making him feel for the past two days. Never in almost 5 years have they gone by two whole days without talking or texting or being in contact with each other in some way even if it was arguing and yelling at each other. This was a first.
Louis looked him straight in the eyes and Harry couldn't help the chill that ran over his skin. Louis' blue eyes were cold, emotionless. 'I was busy,' he told him flatly, looking down at his phone. Harry winced inwardly. That hurt.
'Busy with Eleanor?' he asked him quietly. Louis shrugged, not looking up at Harry.
'Something like that,' he replied casually. Harry took in a deep breath.
'Louis what's wrong with you? Why is she in your suite? Did I do something wrong?' His voice was pleading. Louis swallowed but said nothing. Harry turned in his seat to face Louis, his knees brushing the side of Louis' thigh. He felt the urgent need to grab his shoulders and shake him just to get a reaction out of him, any reaction even if he yelled and cursed. He needed a reaction out of Louis, he wanted him to not ignore him any longer. 'What happened since yesterday Lou? We were okay yesterday now...its...it's like you don't know me. Baby please...' Harry begged him. Harry kept his eyes on Louis but Louis did not look at him. He kept looking at his damn phone and Harry just wanted to grab it from his hands and fling it across the room. That would get a reaction out of him!
Harry reached out and placed his hand on Louis' arm but Louis was quick to pull his arm away and Harry felt like he had been slapped across the face. Again. He swallowed hard and watched as Louis scooted away from him and ran his fingers through his messy hair then finally bring his eyes to meet Harry's.
'Look Harry,' Louis told him in a low voice, 'I think that maybe they are right...'
'Who is right about what?' Harry asked him cutting him off, his eyes fixed on Louis. Louis bit the inside of his cheek.
'About us being with Eleanor and Nadine. I'm sorry I was such a dick about her. I'm sure she's awesome and you seem to like her....'
'Wait, wait what?' Harry exclaimed cutting Louis off. Louis looked down and played with his phone.
'Harry you should be with Nadine,' he told him flatly. Harry stared at him with his mouth open.
'And you should be with Eleanor?' he asked him. Louis remained silent. Harry took in a deep breath.
'You don't mean that Lou,' Harry told him quietly, 'not after all...'
'Maybe I do,' Louis interrupted him, his voice cold. 'Maybe it will be better for everyone if we were just friends.' Harry stared at him with wide eyes not believing what he was hearing.
'Just friends? Are you kidding me right now Lou? After all we've been though? Seriously?' Louis met his eyes and Harry saw he was serious, dead serious. He shook his head 'No Lou, you can't possibly mean it. Don't let them convince you...'
'Nobody fucking convinced me of anything alright!' he yelled and Harry flinched. The pain in his heart was too much already and he couldn't handle Louis yelling at him right now.
'So you're telling me all this is your idea?' Harry asked him. He could barely speak. Louis fidgeted with his fingers, not looking at Harry.
'I think it would be better for the both of us if...' he began but Harry cut him off.
'I don't believe you,' Harry told him, his voice hoarse from the lump in his throat. He knew he was going to cry if Louis kept this up. He could feel the tears burning behind his eyes as he looked at the love of his entire life sitting next to him telling him they were better off as friends and that they should have girlfriends. Why was Louis talking all this shit? 'Louis,' he whispered, 'look me in the eyes and tell me that...that we are better off without each other.' Louis lifted his head and looked at Harry, his blue eyes meeting Harry's teary green eyes.
'How is any of this ever going to work Harry? We can never be. We're too fucking public. You and I are just pretend. We have to hide and this...what we have is causing problems for everyone. We can't even fucking go out and be seen together because someone might snap a picture like what happened in Wellington? You remember that huh? We were on You Tube in less than half a fucking hour. We travelled together to Sydney and what happened? We were all over fucking Twitter in ten minutes. There are fan made videos of us and stories and fucking photo shopped pictures of you and me kissing and fucking and holding hands when we've never even done any of that shit in public. I don't want to be outed. This has gone too fucking far for too long.' Harry gasped. Louis' words hit him like a ton of bricks.
'Please Louis don't say that. We are not pretend. Nothing about us is pretend. We'll hide better I promise. The fans will...'
'The fans will what Harry? They see everything. They know everything. They are fucking right all along and they put it out there. They are just waiting for the moment we come out and I'll never do that! I...can't do this anymore. Its become too complicated and I don't want to do it anymore. It can never work between you and I. We have to hide and get told to stay away from each other and I'm fine with that. Its never going to amount to anything more anyway. I just can't. Besides, we can't be that selfish and not think of how it might effect others. See what happened to Paul and our security team? That was all because of us, of this fucking thing we have and I'm not having anymore of it.' Harry swallowed as the first of his tears rolled down his cheeks. Why was Louis saying all this?
'Louis please don't do this. They told you to do this didn't they?' Louis looked away from him when he saw the tears roll down his cheeks. He huffed loudly.
'No they didn't! Stop blaming everything on them Harry. Can I decide something on my own? This is my future here! I'm fucking tired of being labeled as gay! What the fuck? I'm not! So I'm really tired of everyone thinking I'm gay!' Harry bit his lower lip trying to hold his tears but he couldn't. He reached over and took Louis' hand in his and was grateful that he didn't snatch his hand away this time. He gently played with his fingers. He knew Louis loved it when he played with his fingers.
'Harry don't!' Louis warned him as he tried to pull his hand away from Harry's grasp but Harry held on to his hand for dear life.
'Louis,' he said his name on a whisper, 'are you breaking up with me?' Louis didn't look at him, he couldn't. He shook his head slowly.
'Harry just don't make this any harder. I...I just can't do this anymore. I'm fucking tired okay? Keeping up this shit is exhausting me. I...I want to be normal.' Harry bit back a sob. He knew that this had been coming all along but he didn't actually believe it would ever happen. He always tried to deny it. Always pushed it to the back of his mind and trusted that Louis loved him enough to get past it.
'But you still love me Lou...'
'It doesn't fucking matter Harry. We hit a wall and we can't get past it. There's no way round this. These past 5 years have been torture. Its driving me crazy.' Harry tightened his grip on Louis' hand. Each word Louis was saying about their relationship stabbed him in his heart.
'Has it really been that bad being with me?' Harry asked him in a choked voice. 'Has it been so much torture for you to love me Lou?' More tears fell from his eyes as he looked at Louis who just said there and said nothing. 'Louis please we can get over it we always do. We have to fight....'
'I'm tired of fucking fighting Harry. I'm exhausted! Don't you fucking get it?' he snapped at him, his voice raised. Harry couldn't help the tears that continued to fall.
'Have you forgotten our promise?' Harry sobbed. Louis looked at him as if offended.
'I haven't forgotten anything. I just can't keep doing this okay. Its gonna fucking break me one way or the other!' Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing from Louis. How long had he been feeling like this? Had he stayed with him all this time feeling like their relationship was killing him?
'I don't believe this is Lou. You are letting them tear us apart. You are giving in to them. Please don't.' Harry begged him desperately.
'I'm not letting them fucking do anything! Why don't you get it that this is what I want for fuck's sake? I'm tired of this shit. Every time we're seen together its amplified, videos are made, photos with fucking captions, we trend Twitter every fucking time we do something. Even when we don't do anything there's fucking Larry hash tags all over Twitter! We're scrutinized. We're the world's most famous couple for the love of God Harry. Then there's Modest! They don't want me anywhere near you or sitting next to you, or looking at you and if possible not breathing the same fucking air as you. Then there's me. I am not gay and yet....I...I just can't Harry. This is too much pressure on me and its suffocating me and its killing me and you need to understand this.'
A sob escaped Harry's mouth. His eyes were full of tears and Louis was blurry and he couldn't see him properly. With the back of his free hand, Harry wiped his eyes. He could see that Louis looked broken. Had their relationship broken him that bad? How had he not seen it?
'Louis please...please don't let me go. Just don't let me go...I....can't...be without...you...please,' Harry sobbed. He couldn't hold on to his emotions any longer. He held Louis' hand tightly as he cried. Louis looked at the mess Harry was in front of him. A mess he had made out of him. He swallowed hard.
'I'm sorry Harry....'
'Don't say you're sorry,' Harry cut him off, his voice choked from tears. 'What am I supposed to do with your sorry? How can your sorry make any of this alright? I just want you! I want you to be with me. I don't want your sorry.' Louis took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
'Okay I won't but I just want you to know I will always be your friend yeah? I...I just can't be more to you. Just understand that I tried, I really, really tried Haz but I can't anymore. I need peace and a normal life. I need to be normal like I used to be.' Harry felt his heart break into a million pieces.
'What am I supposed to do without you Lou? I don't know how to be without you. You are the love of my life,' Harry told him, his voice strangled from all the tears. Louis sighed.
'I don't know what to tell you Haz. I wish there was another way but really......' his voice trailed off as they stared at each other. A strangled moan escaped Harry's mouth as Louis slowly pulled his hand out of his grasp and stood up. Harry kept looking at him, his green teary eyes pleading with him not to do this but Louis just looked at him one more time, turned and walked out of the room.
Harry remained sitting on the couch, staring at his empty hands where just a few seconds ago, Louis' hand had been. He remained like that, unmoving while Louis walked away...from him. He felt like he was choking, as if some invisible hand had wrapped around his throat and was squeezing the life out of him. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat but he couldn't. He couldn't believe what had just happened. Louis had left him! Ever since they had been in One Direction since the begining in the X factor, they had been together. Now he didn't know how to be in One Direction without him. He needed Louis. Louis was his life.
'This is wrong,' Harry told himself, still sobbing, 'he can't do this! He can't leave me! It wasn't suppossed to be like this!' Harry knew perfectly well what Louis felt for him so he couldn't just end it and let their love go. He could understand to a point the why of Louis' decision but it wasnt his alone to make. He was a part of this relationship too and Louis couldn't just decide to end it.
Harry felt more tears roll down his cheeks. He remembered the day they first met, how they had gotten on together right away. He remembered getting through the X factor with him, becoming closer all the time. Then the success had started and all the while they became closer. They couldn't get enough of each other. They fell in love. He remembered their frist kiss, staying up all night talking then falling asleep in one bed and waking up to find him there, beside him asleep, so warm and so his. No one had minded then so why had it become such a thing of disaster? He remembered the shared jokes on stage, the banter, the fun, the seduction, the longing, the sexual tension between them, the easiness of their relationship, the being together all the time then missing each other so bad when they had to go home. He remembered how they used to text each other all the time and midnight phonecalls and Skype that lasted for hours. Harry couldn't believe how it had all changed, how it had come to this and why had Louis given up. They had promised each other that no matter what they wouldn't give up on their love and keep fighting but Louis had broken his promise.
He tried to undestand why Louis had left him but his heart and mind were in pieces and nothing made sense to him except the fact that Louis wasn't his any longer. He knew that their relationship had always been an issue with Louis as was his sexuality. Harry could understand to a point how all of this had escalated and finally got to Louis but shouldn't their love be strong enough to over come this? Where they not tied together like two ships? Wasn't he the anchor and Louis the rope? Wasn't Louis his compass to guide him back whenever he was lost? Who was going to guide him back now? Harry covered his face with his hands and cried. For the first time in 5 years, he was alone.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T HATE LOUIS. JUST DON'T!