Trigger warnings:
Thought of self termination, self harm, drinking, getting drunk, partly unsympathetic sides, things like this.
Have tissues nearby.
Janus sighed into the wisky bottle he was drinking. He smiled at what he was planning to do. It took him so long. So long to plan, to make sure his death didn't affect Thomas. So long to plan how he would fade from existence.
Janus had been alone in the darkside of the mind for a while. Both Remus and virgil had been accepted and Janus was hated by almost everyone. ....even Thomas hated him.
He stood up from the floor, hugging the wisky bottle to his chest as he walked to his room, sitting at his desk chair once he got there and happily crying as he opened his computer and pressed the record button
"I'm doing it. I got the pills I've been working on and I'm going to let myself slowly fade. I've been talking about how I can't just kill myself since that would fuck up thomas's self preservation and ability to lie. I've been working on this plan for months And I'm finally able to do it!"
He smiled as he took another swig from his bottle of wisky and sighed
"I've been making these videos to keep me sane and to document how I made these pills, but I want to explain them one more time before I take them and start to die and fade." He held the bottle of pills in his hand, looking at them like they were the light in his very dark life .
"So they're basically sleeping pills. They'll put me to sleep and then send my thoughts to the subconscious... ittle feel like I'm floating. ...at least that's what the mindscape test run felt like..." he sighed and smiled
"My body will stay in my room. Ittle take at least a week for my body to start to die and fade, and even more to finish... it should take me about a month I think.... And that will give the mindscape enough time to basically shatter me so the other sides can take on my role."
"Patton would probably be self preservation... or logan would. I'm assuming deception would just be..... gone... since none of the sides really fit that role. But it would kinda just fade into each of them, so, it wouldn't actually be gone. But I will be."
He smiled again as he wiped a happy tear "I've been thinking about this for a year..... 365 days.... More actually..... but... 365 days.... I've been working on finding a way to not hurt Thomas when I kill myself. Or, really, make myself fade. .....and for once.. I'll finally do something right"
Janus turned off the video and sighed happily as he got out 7 pills "better safe then sorry." He put them in his mouth, took a swig of wisky, and swallowed them. He finished off the wisky and snapped himself into his softest shirt, then snapped on his sweatpants as he started walking to his bed.
He laid down as he smiled, getting under his weighted blanket and cuddling under his 3 giant fluffy blankets, taking his plush snake and cuddling it to his chest. He turned on his heat pad and wiped his teary eyes "goodnight Thomas. ....bye... don't miss me to much.."
He knew Thomas didn't like him. But he could pretend he would miss him. He could be selfish in his pretend play. He was dying after all. He could smile himself into his final sleep as he pretended the others were hugging him and waving him goodbye.
He was selfishness after all.
12 days later thomas summoned all of the sides.... He didn't feel right. He felt like there was a hole in his heart.... Something was wrong.
Logan, Roman, Patton, virgil, and Remus all popped up. ....he summoned everyone so.... "Where's Janus?"
The others looked around Confused.
Roman huffed and crossed his arms "why should we care? He's just a stupid snake that wants you to lie to everyone!"
Patton put a hand on Roman's arm "kiddo! That's not nice to say! He's.... Protecting Thomas! Or... trying to... in his own way.." Patton didn't like Janus. But he wasn't going to talk bad about him...
Thomas raised up his hand "roman, I didn't need your opinion of him right now. Something's wrong and I need Janus here right now!"
Virgil was watching Thomas and roman... he didn't like that the snake wasn't here.... The ment he was probably planning something.
Remus looked concerned snake butt loves when Thomas calls him... hell- he almost cried last time Thomas summoned him to say that Janus was going to be in a video! So where was he??
Logan pushed up his glasses up "I have a feeling that Janus might have ducked out. ...otherwise he may be sleeping or has just refused your summons." He logically knew those were the only things that would stop Janus from rising. ....or maybe he was in the imagination? That could be a possibility..
Thomas sighed and nodded "ok.... So..... we should do what we did with virgil and I should rise up in his room..... right??"
Logan nodded "that would be the most logical option yes."
Roman huffed "of course he would copy virgil.. good for nothing snake just wants attention. And it's 2 in the afternoon!! Why would he be sleeping specks?! He's probably doing something- something- .....evil!!"
Thomas sighed and ignored Roman "ok... get ready to see Jan's room... I guess.." he waited a few seconds with his eyes closed and then he felt himself rising up, he opened his eyes and looked around
Virgil glared at the familiar room. Shrinking in on himself more "I don't see why you care about him..."
Remus looked around the room... spisificly at the desk with the open computer.. and well, what was he going to do? Not snoop? Absolutely not. Janus knew to hide his things around Remus so really this was bound to happen
Thomas made his way over to Remus who was messing with the computer "Remus- stop messing wi-"
The computer turned on and the recording that Janus had just made 2 days prior started playing
Remus sat in the chair and put his feet up on Jan's desk "oops! Now we have no choice but to watch!!" He giggled as his grin quickly turned to a frown at the opening words...
The others piled around the computer in a mix of shock at the mention of killing himself, (Patton and Thomas) confusion and assuming this was Janus playing a trick on them, (roman & virgil) an interest to know what this was about with a hint of sadness (logan) and with bewilderment as they watched the screen in slight horror (all of them)
They watched the 4 minute long video with these mix of emotions.
logan immediately going over to the pile of blankets in the bed and trowing them off of the peaceful and currently fading Janus, shaking him as he tried to wake him "Janus, it is time to wake up."
Janus's body didn't move.
Virgil came over "I swear to god this snake is going to get murdered." He assumed this was Janus lying to him.... He.... He wasn't actually considered killing himself.... He.... Janus couldn't be.
Remus reached over and grabbed the pill bottle, taking his legs off the desk and staring at it with a horrified look.... Janus wouldn't.... Would he?
Virgil pushed logan aside and lifted janus up, sitting him up and yelping when Janus's head slumped forward and his snake fell out of his arms, said arms going completely limp as well as his body, the only sign he was alive was by the very slight rise and fall of his chest.
Roman looked over at his brother with the pills, then over to logan who was summoning smelling salts, ammonia, and any other thing that may potentially wake janus up
Thomas was over to logan and virgil quickly after the initial shock factor wore off, tears streaming down his face as he looked at janud "he's- he's not- he-"
Logan waved the small bottle under Janus's nose, grimacing at the fact he didn't wake "he's alive thomas. ...for the most part.. as he said he took a sleeping pill of sorts.... So he is currently alive." He went over to Remus and took the pills from him, looking over at roman and Patton, who was crying intencly.
Thomas covered his mouth and got onto the bed, seeing virgil move away as Thomas hugged Janus's unconscious body close to his chest "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Janus... I never-" a sob raked through him.
Roman took a breath and held patton, sitting them down on the floor as a few tears ran down his cheeks as he realized Janus wasn't lying to them or pulling a prank
Remus just sat there, disassociating as one of his nightmares came true... "Janus... was thinking about killing himself?... he was happy about it to... he looked... so.... Happy.. with himself." Ha tear rolled down his cheek
Now it was Virgil's turn to cry. Putting a hand to his mouth as he looked at Janus..... he.... He left.... This started with him.... He fucked up and then Remus left.... And then..... and that lead to this....
Logan went into problem solving mode, pushing his feelings to the side and am thinking out loud "I believe that I would have to deconstruct the pill he made and make an opposite medication to wake him up and keep him from fading. However I don't know how long that will take.."
Thomas hugged Janus closer to him "h- he said it would take a m-month right?" He was trying to convince himself that Janus would be ok, that he would be fine....but that wasn't working..
Logan looked over and nodded "yes. ....I should be able almost definitely be able to create something that will save him before the end of the month..." he looked at the date of the video and pursed his lips
Remus followed his gaze and then cried even more then he was currently.....it was almost 2 weeks before Thomas relized something was wrong.... He was such a bad friend that he let Janus feel like this..... why was he so screwed up?
Thomas looked over "so.... W-what can we do to- to help?" He sniffled and wrapped one of Jan's blankets around them both, taking Janus's plush snake and putting it in his limp arms.
Logan looked over and pushed back his emotions that were starting to surface "I believe... I shall need the twins help... if you'd like... we can move Janus to the couch so we can monitor him.... I'd also suggest putting in at least 3 days sick leave so you can help persevere Janus's core function. Try to lie to him as much as possible and make as much physical contact to try and stop him from fading. It may give us up to an extra week, and I'm sure it will also help your mental health through this."
Thomas nodded and hugged Janus closer, "I'm not at all sorry Janus. I'm not so so sorry..."
Logan nodded as he wiped a straying tear from his face.
"I'll get to work then...."
To be continued in the next chapter.