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Harry
Jeffrey Azoff: You made the news again and you are not out even in the photos. Stay away from Twitter.
Every time he sends me such messages I tend to want to go online. I try to be as far as possible from these things and only use my private instagram account. I don't want anyone to know my personal business and if I can avoid sharing it, I just do it.
I end up going on Twitter and immediately I see some tweets about how I lost her. I know who they are referring to. My fans are shipping Alice and I. I've seen instagram posts and tiktok edits my sister and Brad send me. I type her name and my screen is full of pictures of her and Paul Mescal. The first one I see is them hugging at the entrance of a restaurant I have only been to once. Then photos of them smiling to each other and holding each other's hands while being outside her car. Her eyes are shining and somehow I believe my fans. I lost her.
I google her name. It's not something I should do, though. I know from experience that everything that is written there is completely lies. I know it and I try to avoid reading articles from gossip magazines, but that's exactly what I do.
Knightley and Mescal, are they endgame?
Alice Knightley and Paul Mescal have been seen together in a restaurant in central London. Our cameras found them and we can confirm that it looks like it's their first date. Alice arrived in her own car and it seems like she left on her own too, but we can't confirm or deny that the date didn't continue in a house.
They were really friendly and smiley throughout dinner and it seems like a spark was there. The eyes never lie!
Paul recently broke up with his fiance and Alice has been single for some time now. So, Paul has moved on and Alice is the perfect person to do it. Two of the hottest people in Hollywood together, I can't say no.
Our sources say that they got close recently and they are pretty serious about this relationship because they try to make it work. But Alice has recently been seen with mister Styles. Is she not taking it that seriously? What's going on?
What is Phoebe saying about this, though?
What is Harry going to do? It seemed that he and Alice were close these last few months.
Miss Knightley, we want answers. Who's your special someone?
Stay tuned about more news on the new It couple
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These kinds of articles are getting on my nerves. They do not know a thing and they are writing it down like they do. And I'm more furious about the fact that they are saying such things about Alice. She is the serious one in all of her relationships. She tries her hardest to make them work and they present her like that, like she opens her legs for every man she gets to know. I don't criticise it, but knowing Alice and her mother, these kinds of articles can do enough damage to her.
And there's another thing that I'm furious about. I believed every single word. I shouldn't but I see the spark, and the smiles, and the hugs and everything. And I just can't see her holding him and being with another man that is not me. I hate it, and I'm selfish but I can't change it.
There's only one thing that will help me calm my mind, writing. I always found peace in my journal. Inside this notebook exists all of my deepest thoughts, my deepest fears and fantasies.
My black ink is all over the pages. I write the date, January 31th, in the blank whitish page and then I start to write my thoughts, like usual, as lyrics.
So you were right
There's always two
The one who stays, and the one who's leaving you
Hear me out, my apologies
'Cause I'm not here for sympathy
I was the one who left, the one who didn't show any emotion when life got hard again. And I'm regretting it so much, I regret it again and again every day and every night. I know that I hurt her and I wish I could go back in time and change everything. I wish I never left, I wish I could be as open as she was. If I could go back in time, I would get her to know all of my friends and family. Hell, I would even post about her because the whole world has to know how beautiful she is and how obsessed I am.
'Cause I don't want to hear about him
How he's holding you better at night
And I don't want to hear about him
I read the stories, I read everything. And I believe them. I read about the love story between them two, the love story between her and her other previous partners. I wish I could be on that list. I wish my name would be forever associated with hers.
That nice dress in my Wildest Dreams
Lipstick stains you left still on my sheets
When I hear eyes
It breaks my heart evеry time
I remember her obsession with my eyes. They reminded her of calmness and somehow her childhood. The good parts. The happiness her grandfather gave her, because that was the only form of love she got to know. I disappointed her, I told her I would be there forever one night and I left. I left her standing there frozen, like a ghost. I left her waiting for me, and I didn't come back.
I remember the first time I saw her in person after a year or two. We had met before for the Elvis table read but we didn't get to know each other. I thought she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen back then and I still think that now. It was a few days before My Policeman was about to start shooting. She was sitting with Emma Corrin and they helped me get to know Alice. They knew each other somehow and I couldn't take my eyes off her.
I remember everything all too well. It was July and the first time we got to know all the cast. Filming was supposed to start in February because of my hectic schedule but some scenes should have been filmed sooner. The director and some producers found it the perfect opportunity to organise a get together for all the cast.
Alice was wearing a white dress and black sandals. She was wearing that red lipstick that I love on her and her blonde hair was in curls. She was beautiful, aetherial even. This lipstick was in my sheets a few months after I first saw it on her.
I still remember the perfect stain it left. I wish I could leave it like that forever. It reminded me of her, and at the time we weren't leaving together due to quarantine. We hit it off instantly and I got her number. Two weeks after that I invited in a little secret rendezvous and she accepted. We started seeing each other in our houses every day, even in America. We had a common schedule back then. She stayed at my homes more than I did. She was the happy note that was missing.
Do you know what it's like to fall in love from the outside
And I don't know but I've been trying for you, for me
Now I know what it's like to fall in love from the outside
I'm still in love with her. I never stopped and I understood it really late. I try now, though. I try to show her that I'm here for her and for me. I want to have a future with her. I want to be able to show our child all of our photos and tell them the stories about the golden years. I want them to be happy about their parents. But I don't think that I am enough.
Is he holding you better at night?
Is it me running into your mind?
I still think about you all the time
I am obsessed with her. I miss her like crazy. I miss her lips, her laugh, her eyes. I am thinking about her all the time, her image is in my mind all the damn day and somehow these thoughts keep me going.
I didn't know that I was crying until a tear fell on the page and I knew that it was time to close the journal.
I destroyed my future just because I was afraid. I was so afraid of getting hurt after my last relationship and I did the one thing that I told myself not to do. I hurt the other person. I hurt her so deeply and I'm sure that she won't forgive me that easily.
Maybe I should try and call her. There's a chance that she's still with him but I have to try. Maybe if she turns me down, I will fall asleep. I take my phone into my hands and I dial her number. I still know it by heart. She picks up after three rings.
"Hello, mister Styles." Her voice is excited. "I didn't expect you to call me."
I take a deep breath and try to calm myself before I reply. "I.." Another breath and I can't get a word out. It's like my mind has completely shut down.
"Hey, H. Is everything okay?"
"I don't know." I whisper. God, I'm pathetic.
"Did something happen? Should I call Jeff?" Alice asks me, the worry is clear on the tone of her voice.
"No, I saw the pictures." I continue to whisper. I am a bit embarrassed but I have to let her know my feelings. It's a step I have to take and then I'll be open.
She laughs and I somehow calm down a bit. I missed this sound. "Don't tell me that you believed the rumours. He's just a friend, H."
"Is he? I'm not trying to control you but I saw them, and your smile and I got jealous. I wished that I was him, holding your hand in public, hugging you and seeing your beautiful smile in person. I got jealous because I still want to be that man." A tear leaves my eye but I try to stop. I can't break down right now.
"H, you ruined me for anybody else." Alice admits. "I can't be with anyone else because I always compare them with you, and they always lose. You are still the one, darling." She says and I feel like crying again. I'm pathetic but that's the words I was expecting to hear today. They ring into my ears like a prayer and I feel saved now that I know that somehow she feels the same as I do.
"You are still the one for me, and I can't describe how sorry I feel. I'm trying and I will continue to try for you and for me. I'll try until you tell me to stop." I tell her and she falls silent.
"Did you call me just for me to deny the rumours? And I thought that you missed me." She jokes and I giggle like I'm a schoolgirl. Get a grip, Harry, you are trying really hard and you are failing.
"Of course I missed you. I'm thinking about you all the time. I miss you day and night." I tell her my little secret and I can imagine her smiling.
"H." She says. "It's past 12. Happy Birthday, darling boy. I wish you the best." She's the first person to wish me. Another year in a row.
"Thank you, beautiful girl. I wish you were here to spend this day with me."
"I wish that too." She confesses and I smile widely.
It's now or never.
"Do you want to spend my birthday with me? Just the two of us, like we did last year. No one has to know, or everyone has to know. You choose." I give her the option that I haven't given her ever.
"I want to spend your special day with you, H. But no one has to know. Cara will have both of our heads if I spent the day with the one who shall not be named?"
I laugh out loud with the nickname her manager gave me. "Oh, I am Lord Voldemort now, aren't I? We will do this on your own terms darling." I feel like I am the happiest man alive. The woman I am in love has finally acknowledged me.
"Is there a party you have to attend?" Alice asks me and I can hear the anxiety in her voice.
"No, not this year. I will celebrate one day after this year. I wanted to be alone for some reason. I wished that you wanted to be alone with me."
"I want and I will. Now tell me, what do you want to eat tomorrow? I'll cook."