"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul."
–Pablo Neruda
∞
CHAPTER 12
Napaigtad ako sa biglaang pagkislot ng aking sintido. Fuck, what happened? I tried to open my eyes to know where the hell I am. The scent of the place is familiar, but definitely not my room. Pilit kong idinilat ang aking mga mata.
I blinked multiple times to adjust my eyesight to the brightness of the surroundings. Napahawak naman ako sa aking sintido nang muli na naman itong kumirot, kasabay ng paghapdi ng bulaklak ko.
Bulaklak what?!
Dali-dali kong inangat ang makapal na comforter upang tingnan ang aking katawan at napasinghap nang mapagtantong hindi ito ang damit na suot ko kagabi. Si Hiro? Fuck, I need to get out of here!
Dahan-dahan akong bumangon at naglibot ng paningin. Kaninong penthouse 'to? My eyes darted on the paintings and the marble vase inside this room. Dumapo ang paningin ko sa isang digital clock na nasa night stand. And my eyes literally widened. Alas sais na ng gabi?! Buong araw akong tulog?!
Tinakbo ko ang distansiya ng bintana at hinawi ang makapal na kurtina. I was dumbfounded as I saw how red, with a mixture of orange and blue paint the sky.
"You're awake," saad ng baritonong boses sa likod ko.
Napalunok ako at dahan-dahang lumingon. I almost lost my breath as I saw Kaius. And he's freaking half naked. "M-Mr. Imperial..."
I saw how the left side of his lip raised. "Mr. Imperial? Hmm?"
Napatabon ako sa aking legs nang mapansin kong dumapo ang paningin niya rito. "Eyes up here, Mr. Imperial!"
He chuckled and lifted his gaze up on my face. And suddenly, memories from last night asssaulted me. From the bar, the car, the elevator, and here... in his penthouse. A flush crept up my face. Oh no, it's not a dream?
Napaigtad ako nang tumikhim si Kaius. "Here's your bag. Mr. Austria handed it to me last night."
My eyes grew wide. Hindi na ako nag-aksaya pa ng oras at mabilis na naglakad palapit kay Kaius. I immediately reached for my bag and opened it. Hindi na ako nag-abala pang takpan ang legs ko. He already saw it last night. At wala doon ang isip ko, kundi sa cellphone kong mayroong sampung missed calls mula kay James. Fuck!
"Who's James?" he asked sternly, gone from the playful smirk a moment ago.
Napaiwas ako ng tingin. "You don't need to know," mahinang usal ko, sapat na para marinig niya. "I need to go."
Hindi pa man ako nakakalampas sa pwesto niya nang harangan ako nito. May inabot itong... sketchpad. Sketchpad ko ba 'to? "You left it in our guestroom."
Fear rushed through me. Should I ask? Napalunok ako at dahan-dahang tinanggap ang sketchpad. "S-salamat."
He nodded. "Eat before you leave."
"I'm full," mabilis pa sa alas kuwatro kong tugon dahilan upang kagatin ko ang aking ibabang labi.
He chuckled, again. "You were tired from last—"
"Please don't talk about it!" nakapikit kong sambit. Ayokong marinig ang ano mang sasabihin niya. "Just shut the hell up."
--
Napahilot ako sa aking sintido habang nagkakaroon ng malalim na iniisip. Damn, where did that sketch go?! Hindi pwedeng makita ni Kaius ang sketch na 'yun!
Siya nga nagsauli sa 'yo ng sketchpad, 'di ba? Obviously, he saw the sketch. My subconscious said.
Nakagat ko ang aking ibabang labi at muling bumaling sa sketch na nasa kama. It's crumpled. I'm frustrated. Papaasahin ko na lang siguro ang sarili ko na hindi niya nakita ang sketch na 'yun. He never mentioned a sketch, so I guess he never saw it... or he did.
Napasabunot ako sa aking sariling buhok at umupo sa sofa rito sa loob ng silid. I murmured some curses. Another thing is that the unforgivable sin we did last night. Nanghihina akong sumandal sa back rest habang sapo-sapo ang mukha. Hindi pa ba ako magtatanda? I'm betraying my sister! Her husband cheated on her with me! Putangina, ano ba itong pinasok ko?
That's a mistake I should never do again. At alam kong hindi na 'yun mangyayari. Nadala lamang siya. I was drunk too. Damn it. Naiinis kong tinapon ang throw pillow sa kabilang sofa at tumili. I'm frustrated. Very frustrated.
Natampal ko naman ang aking noo nang mapagtantong hindi ako pumasok sa araw na ito. Magsa-submit pa naman sana ako ng drawing plates kay Kiyo. Paano na 'to? I scoffed at myself and just decided to do it tomorrow. First thing in the morning that I need to do before going out with my son.
Dagdag pa 'to, e. Andito si Kaius sa Maynila, paano na lang kapag nakita niya si Kai? I promised my son to take him to the mall. Damn. Sumasakit na ang ulo ko.
Napaigtad ako nang mag-vibrate ang phone kong na sa aking bulsa. I murmured a cuss once again before I answered the call.
"James," panimula ko.
"You, wench! Nasaan ka ba kagabi?! Out of reach ka. Your son is damn mad, Sam. Tang ina, hindi kami pinapansin. Ang lamig ng pakikitungo ng anak mo," sunod-sunod na sambit ni James.
I bit my lower lip. "W-where is he?"
"Tulog na. I just told him you're very busy, but he said you should come over tomorrow. You promised, Sam," sagot nito na nagpabuntong hininga sa 'kin.
"James," I thrilled, a tear dropped upon my cheeks. "Isaiah is in Manila."
"Oh, tapos— ano?! He's in Manila?" pagkaklaro nito.
Kahit hindi ko siya kaharap ay tumango ako. Naglakad ako palabas ng terrace at sinalubong naman ako ng malamig na simoy ng hangin. "A-and..."
"And what?"
"May nangyari sa 'min," I whispered as I looked down on the city.
Alam kong hindi tanga si James. He knew what I meant. Siya pa ba? I heard him gasped. "Y-you mean—"
"We did it again, James." Sunod-sunod na nagpatakan ang luha ko habang nakatitig sa syudad sa ibaba. "We had sex."
I heard him cursed from the other line. "Tangang-tanga ka na ba sa sarili mo, Sam? Kasalanan ang ginawa niyo! Tangina, nanggigigil ako sa 'yo, e."
"James naman, e." I wiped my tears. "I was drunk. Hindi ko na alam. I thought I was with Hiro."
A moment of silence filled us. Hanggang sa binasag niya ito gamit ang mababa niyang tinig. "Huwag mo nang uulitin 'yun. Sobrang dami mo ng pagkakamali."
"I know, James," I whispered.
Bumuntong hininga ito sa kabilang linya. "Let's talk tomorrow. Puntahan mo rito si Kai. Sleep for now. Alas diyes na."
I bit my lip. "Okay, goodnight."
He just hummed before turning off the call. I know he's disappointed in me, as am I. I was drunk. It's like the sh*t that happened five years ago got replayed. As if my past is hunting my present. And I don't want to let that happen.
Bumuntong hininga ako at tumingala sa kalangitan. I'm hopeless. I can't assume something between us. He's married to my sister.
My phone vibrated again. Sinagot ko agad ito sa pag-aakalang si James ang tumatawag. "James."
Tumahimik ang linya. The only thing I heard was heavy breathing. Nangunot ang noo ko at muling tinawag ang pangalan ni James, but no one answered. Nagtataka kong tinignan ang caller ID at agad na lumukob sa sistema ko ang kaba nang mahinuha ang nagmamay-ari ng unknown number.
Muli kong dinikit ang phone sa aking tenga at magsasalita na sana nang putulin niya ang linya.
What the hell was that?
--
Napalunok ako nang salubungin ako ni James sa hamba ng pinto ng kanyang condo. He's raising his left eyebrows while looking at me.
"Bilisan mo. Lambingin mo ang anak mong nagtatampo. Ayaw niyang magbihis kahit sinasabihan ko nang parating ka na. He's quite stubborn sometimes," nakasimangot na bungad niya sa 'kin.
I smiled. Bumeso ako sa kanya at tumabi naman siya upang makapasok ako. Bumungad naman sa 'kin ang malinis na living room ni James. What should I expect? He hates to see a very messed up place. Napahugot naman ako ng malalim na hininga at nilapag ang dala kong sling bag. I immediately composed myself.
I'm wearing a white shirt and high-waisted ripped jeans. Nakatuck-in naman ako at pinaresan ko ito ng isang gray na converse shoes. Kaurat kung puro white at black lang ang susuotin kong sapatos.
Muli na naman akong humugot ng hininga at pumasok ng kwarto. Nadatnan ko doon ang yaya ni Kai na pinipilit siyang bumangon, at hindi naman ito pinapansin ng anak kong naglalaro lamang sa kanyang PSP. Bahagya akong napailing. I think James is spoiling my son again. Nakasandal ang anak ko sa headboard ng kama na may pinagpapatong na unan. His tablet and phone are beside him. Spoiled kid.
"Kin," tawag pansin ko sa yaya ni Kai. "I'll take it from here. Pakihanda na lang ng damit na susuotin niya. Lalabas kami."
"Sige, po." She nodded.
Napabuntong hininga naman ako at bumaling sa anak kong seryosong naglalaro ng PSP. "Kai."
Nag-angat ito ng tingin ngunit binalik rin sa nilalaro niya. I bit my lower lip as I went near him.
Kai is a sweet kid to me. Pero kapag sinumsumpong siya, ito ang nagiging resulta. He's as cold as his father. Isa rin ito sa mga namana niya sa kanyang ama. He's cold. I wonder if my son will be intimidating in his teenage days. Hmm?
"Baby," sambit ko umupo sa kama. Malungkot akong ngumiti. "Okāsan ni okotteru no?" [translation: Are you mad at mommy?]
Nag-angat ito ng tingin. "Īe." [translation: No]
Napangiwi ako. Ang lamig talaga. "De wa, naze mama o mushi shite iru nodesu ka?" [translation: Then why are you ignoring mommy?]
" Sakuya wa denwa ni demasendeshita, mama. Suruto darekaga ōtō shi, kare ga tita jeimī ni damattero to itte iru no ga kikoeta. Are wa daredesuka, okāsan? Kare wa anata no bōifurendo (kareshi)desu ka? Papa o matte kureru to omotteta. Ōkiku nattara mitsukaru to omottetakedo?" sunod-sunod nitong tanong na ikinaawang ng bibig ko. [translation: You didn't answer the phone last night, mommy. Then someone answered, and I heard him say to Tita Jamie to shut the fuck up. Who's that, mom? Is he your boyfriend? I thought you'd wait for Daddy. I thought we'd find him once I grew big?]
Sino ang sumagot sa phone ko? Was it Hiro? But he's not rude lalo na't lover boy ang bansag niya kay James. Was it Kaius then?
Mas lalong napaawang ang bibig ko. Nagkausap ba sila? Narinig ba ni Kaius si Kai? Fuck!
Nakatitig lang ito sa akin, halatang naghihintay ng sagot. I immediately composed my smile. "It was nothing, baby. Maybe you heard it wrong."
I know he won't believe it. I know my son. Matalino ito. Pero nagulat na lang ako nang tumango ito. He then settled his eyes back on his PSP. Napasimangot ako. Nagtatampo pa rin si Kai Ashley.
Pumasok naman ang yaya ni Kai dala ang kanyang damitI smiled, reached for it from her hand, and settled back into my stares at my son. Tumikhim ako.
"Bath time!" masayang usal ko ngunit hindi ako nito nilingon.
Binaba niya ang PSP sa kama at tumayo. Kaagad naman siyang lumapit kay Kin. "Watashi o nyūyoku sa seru no wa Ate Kin-desu." [translation: Ate Kin will be the one to bath me.]
I was dumbfounded.
Pumasok sila ni Kin sa banyo dala ang isang tuwalya. I bit my lip to stop my tears from streaming down my cheeks. I was taken aback. Is he really that mad? Halos ayaw niya akong pansinin.
Napabuntong-hininga naman ako at lumabas muna ng kwarto. Nadatnan ko si James na prenteng nakaupo sa couch at nanonood ng netflix. He glanced at me and continue watching anyway.
"I'll take him out, James." Napahilot ako sa aking sintido. "He's hard to please!"
"Kanino ba nagmana?" pagtataray nito na ikinairap ko.
Obviously, he had it from his father. I snorted from my own thoughts.
Moments later, lumabas na si Kai na nakasuot ng isang cardigan pants at isang t-shirt na may print na 'why not?' Lemme guess who bought it.
"It really fits you, Lei," puna ni James at nakangiting nakatitig kay Kai.
Napasimangot ako. "Ini-spoil mo na naman si Kai."
"Syempre, kasi mayaman ako." James raised his eyebrow.
Sa halip na makipagbangayan, tumayo na ako sa aking kinauupuan dala ang sling bag. Nilapitan ko si Kai at nginitian. Inaasahan ko naman na hindi siya ngingiti. Ikaw ba naman magtampo, ngingiti ka pa?
I smiled to his yaya before carrying my son. Bumeso ako saglit kay James at ganoon din si Kai kay James. I don't know why James loves to call Kai 'Lei'. It may sound girly, but for me it's cool.
Nang makababa kami ng building ay agad kaming naglakad palapit sa aking sasakyan. I opened the shot gun seat and help my son step inside. Umikot naman agad ako at pumasok na rin sa kotse.
"Let's go to mall?"
Kai shrugged. "Sore wa anata shidaidesu." [translation: It's up to you.]
Tingnan mo 'to. Ang bata pa pero ganito na sumagot. Nakagat ko naman ang aking sariling labi at humarap sa kanya.
"Baby," I called for his attention. "I'm sorry for not answering your calls last night. Mommy was so busy."
"Watashitachi wa mada otōsan o mitsukeru tsumoridesu ka?" he asked. [translate: Are we still going to find dad?]
Nangunot ang noo ko. Moments later, I smiled. And it didn't reach my eyes. "Yes, baby. Why did you ask?"
Umiling ito. "Nani mo arimasen. Kare ni aete kōfun shite iru." [translation: Nothing, I'm just excited to meet him.]
Hindi ko binitiwan ang ngiting pinapakita ko. "Of course, we'll find daddy once you become a big boy." I brushed his hair. "Are you not mad with mommy anymore?"
Ngumiti ito at tumango. "Watashi ni hitotsu no koto o yakusoku shite kudasai." [translation: Just promise me one thing.]
Nangunot ang noo ko. Kailan pa ito natutong mangondisyon? "What promise is that?"
Ngumiti ito. I can clearly see happiness in those dark brown eyes as they look at me. "Watashitachi ga papa ni au to, anata wa issho ni nari, watashitachiha kanzen'na kazoku ni narimasu!" [translation: That once we'll meet daddy, you'll be together and we'll be a complete family!]
Napanganga ako sa narinig. I immediately bit my lips to stop myself from contradicting my son. Ayokong burahin ang masayang ngiting na sa kanyang labi.
So instead, I took a deep breath and answered him with a smile, "Of course, baby. We will."
Maiintindihan mo rin, anak. Maiintindihan mo rin kung gaano kakomplikado ang sitwasyon ng mommy at daddy mo.
Ngumiti ako rito at pinausad na ang sasakyan. Habang binabaybay ang kalsada patungong mall ay malungkot akong napangiti habang ang anak ko ay busy sa panonood ng tanawin sa labas.
Soon you'll understand someday, Kai. That some things are good together. But better when apart.
END OF CHAPTER 12