I smile as I see Aeris waiting under the gazebo with a small pink flower in his hand, he bows as I approach and steps closer, tucking the flower into my hair.
"Good afternoon Dearest" He smiles.
"Good afternoon." I smile back. I had been nervous when I received his letter this morning. It has only been a night since the solstice and while they repeatedly told me that they were glad they knew about Varis I couldn't quite believe it was for the best.
"Where are we off to today?" I ask as he stands at my side holding his elbow out to me.
"To visit the pups, they have been complaining about not seeing you." He says as I rest my arm in the crook of his and we begin walking towards the kennels.
"Well I feel happy I have earned their affection."
"Which is no easy feat, Moira is very particular about who she lets into her kennel and with her pups, she is very protective." He replies.
"I feel honoured she let me."
The scent of animals and hay fills my lungs as we walk into the kennels. Aeris leads the way, walking down to pet Moira as she looks up at our entry.
"They've grown so much." I say squatting down to pet one of the pups sniffing at my feet.
"They grow quickly." He nods, sitting down against the wall while a few of the puppies approach him, climbing on his legs and nipping at his boots.
"I know this one." I say picking Belly Rubs up and sitting near Aeris. I set the puppy down and he immediately flops onto his back with his paws in the air. I smile and rub his round belly softly.
We sit side by side for a long while. Aeris is quiet as he plays with the pups, usually he would be making jokes or telling stories or trying to get a rise out of me by teasing me, it's strange him being so quiet.
"You're being different, I knew this would happen." I say quietly.
"You knew what would happen?" He asks looking at me.
I let out a small sigh. "If all of this is too much it's okay, I will understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore."
"You think I don't want to be your friend?" He asks still watching me with a puppy in his lap and another on his legs.
"Just everything with Varis, I will understand if it's too much effort." I shrug softly, my chest tightening at the idea. I would at least give him the option, I wouldn't force him to stay if he didn't want to anymore.
"I would appreciate it if you didn't use his name when around me, it's already a struggle to keep my temper in check and hearing his name makes it harder keep the idea of melting his flesh from his bones at bay." He smiles tightly. "As for your idea that I don't want to be friends with you anymore, you have to know how ridiculous that is." He says setting the puppy to the side and turning to face me. "I have been thinking about what you said, that we need to take the selection more seriously."
"You have?" I ask, setting my puppy aside and facing him. I can feel my heart beating in my chest and it feels too fast to be healthy. He has been thinking about the selection, this was it, he was going to tell me he had chosen someone. This would be the last time we spend time together. I had hoped for a few more afternoons together, selfish I know but he can't possibly know how much the time together means to me.
He tilts his head gently staring at my neck and chest. "I can hear that you know," He says quietly. "Your heart beating erratically." He reaches his hand out towards me, placing his palm on my chest. "It reminds me of a dear caught in a trap, terrified and helpless. Why does me thinking about the selection scare you so much?" He asks looking into my eyes and I remind myself to breathe.
His dark eyes stare into mine, beautiful and endless. "I, I enjoy our time together and I suppose the idea of you finally picking one of the chosen, even if I know how important it is, will mean we won't be able to anymore and it makes me upset." I answer as honestly as possible.
"You still have no idea, do you?" He asks as he moves his hand, cupping my cheek he runs his thumb over my cheekbone and I shiver at the touch. I'm too scared to move as we look into each other's eyes, his thumb grazing my cheek so softly. He leans closer and my eyelids flutter closed as his lips press against mine. I lean into him, moving my lips against his softly as his free hand cups my other cheek pulling me closer.
My hands find his shoulders and I press my fingertips into the muscle there. I have no idea what I am doing but it feels too good to stop.
He pulls back, kissing both of my cheeks as I try to slow my heart.
"Daella, you have nothing to worry about, spending time with you will never be an effort, I would do it every day if I didn't have to share you with Alvy. I would do terrible things to spend time with you." He smiles pulling me in closer to rest my face against his chest.
One arm wraps around my back and the other smooths over my hair as he holds me and I feel his heartbeat against my cheek. My thoughts are erratic, feeling unbelievably happy and terrified at the same time as I try and understand what just happened. He kissed me. What did it mean? Why did he kiss me? I wanted more, I didn't know it was what I wanted until we were kissing but it felt so right, this is what all of those strange confusing feelings had led to. Does that mean he felt the same way? That he cared for me more than friends?
The memory of his lips on mine makes me think of Alvaryn, imagining what it would feel like with him, to have him hold me like Aeris is holding me now.
Gods what is wrong with me? I am being held by Aeris right now, after kissing him or anyone for the first time and I was happy but now I am thinking about someone else. How could I do that to Aeris? How could I want someone else the same way?
I pull away from Aeris.
"It's getting late." I say quickly, trying to avoid his concerned expression. I stand up, quickly dusting myself off. "I'll see you soon." I force a small smile as I leave the kennels noticing the questioning look on his face.
I walk quickly, thankful that he doesn't follow me.
What have I just done? I had let it go too far.
I rush into my room closing the door behind me as I sit on the edge of my bed with my face in my hands.
What am I going to do? Do I ask him what it meant? What if he doesn't tell me? What if he does tell me and I don't like the answer? Do I just pretend it didn't happen? How would I ever be able to be in the same room as him again? And what about Alvaryn? What if he found out? Gods what if Varis found out?
My breath comes out in short sharp gasps as my corset digs into my ribs and I struggle to breathe and think.
Tears well in my eyes. How could something that felt so wonderful make me feel like this?
Gods I missed my mother, maybe she would be able to help me make sense of all of this, or maybe she would be just as confused and disappointed that I had somehow managed to let my heart be split into two.
How could this happen? How could I feel this way about two different males? They are so different from each other, they have both helped me in different ways and I knew that I cared for them, I could tell by the way my heart would ache at the idea of leaving them and become excited when I spent time with them. But this, this was more, this was so much more.
It was just like the romance stories I had read, the ones I had believed were so ridiculous. Was this what love felt like? Happy and scared at the same time? Or was it just me, because I couldn't fall in love with just one person, I had to fall for two.
And what about Aeris and Alvaryn, I couldn't tell them, they couldn't know the truth. I needed to keep this secret. I needed to make sure no one finds out. It won't be for long, I just need to keep these strange new feelings to myself and then when I'm gone it won't matter anymore.