I phoned the first person who came to my mind to fetch me: Jared. I looked like a mess but it wasn't as if Jared had not yet seen me post-breakdown, hungover, and injured. He was quick to respond, not even asking any questions and simply said I'm on my way. Either I did sound as broken as I felt or his protective instincts kicked in.
My own car stopped in front of me. Jared was in his house clothes, even to his slippers, but had worn a thick brown coat over. As soon as he got out, the said coat was shrugged off of his large frame and onto my body.
The man helped me to my feet and before I knew it, I was in the passenger seat and we were cruising out of the country club and into the highway. I had thrown my heels into the backseat. I folded my legs underneath me, the material of the dress wrinkling.
I could feel that Jared wanted to ask but either decided that it wasn't the time or completely backed out. I appreciated the silence. I wasn't sobbing but tears fell slowly, almost one by one, down my cheeks, destroying my makeup in the process. Some fell to my neck, wetting the collars of Jared's coat and the fabric of my dress.
He reached over and opened the compartment between us, revealing a box of tissues. It was almost funny if I wasn't so fucking miserable. I wiped my face.
We were quiet on the way home. It was nearly midnight and the road was fairly clear. Going home took only half the time as going out. The mansion was quiet with no one in sight outside which was good because I didn't need anyone else to see me the way I was.
Jared parked the car behind Wyatt's array of luxury automobiles. As soon as the headlights were off, we were engulfed in darkness and the silence became more silent.
"Thank you," I told Jared as I started to take his coat off.
"Just doing my job."
The tears have dried but I was equally still as sad. I handed Jared his coat. My next words reminded me of that time we were by the pool and I was also post-breakdown.
"It's beyond work hours. You should ask for a raise."
His laughter was short. He was still concerned or curious but I was leaning towards the latter.
"I'm concerned," he began, proving me wrong. "You're on this... spiral of emotions."
That was true. From his point of view in the limited instances he sees me, on time I'm sad, then I'm happy, worried, blank, sad again, happy, and the cycle goes on.
"But isn't that how teenage girls are supposed to be?" I tried to lighten it up.
"I guess." I couldn't see him clearly but I sensed him shrug, "I wouldn't know. Not yet, at least."
I shivered. "Just wear it for now," said Jared, pertaining to the coat. Maybe it was the emotional drain or actual tiredness, but I was beginning to feel feverish. I put the coat on again. If he was cold too, he didn't let me notice.
Although my big and warm bed was upstairs waiting for me, I felt comfortable in the car. In the darkness, I could cry as ugly as I wanted. And there was someone to keep me from stupid things.
I sighed. It was a heavy sigh. "The man that I want loves somebody else."
It was my story in a nutshell.
"And I want him to choose me." I was then realizing how stupid I sounded: wanting a man to choose a girl he barely knew over the woman he's married to.
"I want him to choose me. Even just a bit. Even just sometimes. But..." I stopped myself there, not wanting to give too much away.
"But?"
"I'm not used to not getting what I want. Also, I think he's changing me."
"Damn," he began, staring into nothing. "When I first met you, I didn't think you'd be the type to go this nuts for a guy. I thought it was the other way around."
I wanted to tell him that it usually is the other way around but to what evidence? I looked pathetic and desperate.
"Anyhow, I think the best thing for you to do is to take some time for yourself, you know? Try to reconnect with yourself instead of forcing a connection with someone else."
"You're sounding oddly helpful tonight," I commented. Who knew Jared Cohen could be a love doctor?
"You have that school trip next week, right? To the mountains?"
I sighed to the thought of being up the mountains with Nikolas Camillo. "Yup."
"Maybe that's exactly what you need," he shrugged, "A change of environment."
I agreed to disagree. We said our goodnights and I went into my room. I only realized how sleepy and tired I was when I finally laid on my bed. It was a cold night and my comforter smelled like lavander. My PJs were comfy too. Despite the many things I felt and was thinking about, slumber came fast.
Jared was right. I spent half of the week giving time for myself. We didn't have much classes from Monday to Wednesday, the days leading up to the trip. The teachers say it's because they don't want to mess up their lesson plans but I think it's because they were too lazy too and were looking forward to the trip more than the students.
On Wednesday night, I had gotten wine-drunk with Viktor and Dani. I was used to fancy wine but the bottle that Dani had brought was golden tier. It was older than me. It was even older than Wyatt. Older than my parents, even, and cost a fraction of my wardrobe. Unfortunately for the wine, it ended up in the stomachs of three ungrateful teenagers.
I shouldn't have gotten drunk last night. One, I was in an emotional point in my life and alcohol was the catalyst for a catastrophic breakdown. When the liquor took over me, I was a crying piece of shit. Two, the next day was retreat day. Three, my brother got mad that I ended up puking on the couch when we switched the fancy wine for hardcore tequila. Wyatt scolded me, yelling things I can't remember. What I do remember was him warning me about the deal with our dad. But if things here take a turn for the worst, then joke's on him because maybe an escape to New York's just what I end up needing.
"Goddamn, Rose."
Jie rubbed my back as I emptied my stomach into a bag. Many students have gotten travel sick over the past three hours so it's understandable to vomit, though I doubt anyone can beat my record of five so far. It was a disgusting display from a Rosaleen Martin. What have I become?
I am not like this. I am rarely emotional and even rarely weak. I'm strong and independent and I don't need a man, especially one like Nick who can't face his shit. So, as I got dressed this morning in a Burberry skirt, a black jumper tucked into it, a belt, high leather boots, and a coat, I decided that I'll take the three-day retreat seriously.
When boarding the bus at six in the morning, I decided to sit at the back with Jie instead of sitting anywhere near Nikolas in front. I did glance at him once or twice but I promised myself that twice was enough.
Aiden, on the other hand, brought me muffins with a note telling me to cheer up. It was very like him.
Sean wanted to talk to me and I ignored him as much as I could. He's still with Maia and although the girl had possession issues, I don't think she deserves being lied to.
So why don't I feel the same for Bianca?
They told us that the trip would take four to five hours and by the fourth, we'd be going up the mountain's curves and turns. I glanced out the window to the sign that said zigzag ahead.
I braced myself.
-
I landed on the bed. It wasn't as soft as my mattress at home but it'll do. Aiden stretched his arms, rotating his shoulders after carrying my bags which I thanked him for.
"Where are you going?" I asked as I propped myself on my elbows, watching Aiden turn for the door.
"I'm gonna help Jie now. Don't miss me," he yelled as I heard him descend the stairs.
I looked around. There were two single beds—one for me and one for Jie. The windows were big with shear cream curtains just a bit lighter than the cream walls. There were two cabinets on either side. The two pillows on the bed looked clean and puffy enough and so did the duvets. No source of entertainment anywhere. But then again, it's a retreat house.
I got to my feet. Pulling the door open, I sauntered into the hallway, bumping into a wall.
And if you think this is the cliche where the wall is actually a person, you're wrong. It really was a wall and I had a dumb bitch moment.
When I recomposed and turned though, that's when I bumped into none other than Nikolas Camillo in a knitted gray sweater with white collars peeking out. His smell was familiar and strong grabbing me as hard as his hands did at my shoulders. Once I was steady, he pulled away.
"Watch out next time, Ms. Martin."
Only then I noticed Quincy's presence. He held a big box up, "Phone."
Looking inside the box, it was full of cellphones and even a few iPads. I could feel the devastation of technology-deprived teenagers. I took my cell from my pocket and dropped it in.
"You'll get in back before lights out," said Nikolas. Then they were gone.
After having lunch, which didn't taste nearly as good as Aiden's cooking, we were called to the function room and were divided into groups of six. I only knew Jie and one other girl. We had a lecture on spiritual development. I was not a woman of faith but you gotta work with what you have and what I had were cheesy Pinterest quotes. Oddly, after a few activities, I was feeling good.
During free time, Sean kept bugging me, telling me to talk to him which I had no intention of doing. Not yet. Because after the past month, I came to realize that I hate men who can't make solid decisions and can't take accountability for their actions.
Nikolas was with the other facilitators. He laid back on his chair with the most bored expression I've ever seen on him. Even him and the teachers weren't allowed to use their phones as a manner of respect.
Time flew quickly which was good because it meant that I had fun. The last activity for the night was to pair up with someone from your group, stroll, and talk. Then, we were told to go to bed on our own accord.
Jie and I walked around the vicinity, exchanging thoughts on anything that crossed our minds.
"That's twenty minutes," I told her, glancing at my wristwatch.
"Do you wanna head back?" she asked.
"Not really. I'm still enjoying myself."
"Yeah, this is nice," she smiled, "I know they say retreats are corny, but you can really get something good out of them."
"How are you and Jeric?" I asked after a while.
There was a beautiful smile on my friend's face and that enough was an answer.
"Amazing. We went out last Friday. We got on his grandfather's boat and he cooked dinner for us when we got back. With Aiden's help, of course."
"Jie, I'm really happy for you. For both of you. That sounds amazing."
"He's meeting me in a few hours."
She smirked with mischief. "We found a cabin somewhere. How about you? How did you spend your Valentine's?"
I hesitated. "My brother and I went to a party. It was okay." It was terrible but I didn't wanna bring it up with Jie.
It was cold up in the mountain and I wish I had brought thicker jackets. Although I'm not a big fan of the outdoors, I'll admit that the view from above was breathtaking. We spent almost an hour more chatting about things that, if anyone were to hear without context, would be outrageous. We laughed and laughed until it was cut off by the realization that we were the only pair left.
"We should go back." She eyed our surroundings. We walked back to our building. In total, there were four. The first was the events and dining area. The second was the boys' cottage, third was the girls' cottage, and the last and smallest one was for chaperones and facilitators. A man came into my mind and I pushed the thought of him elsewhere.
He'll be gone tomorrow morning anyway. I shouldn't care.
Any girl can walk into his room and he'd still be as tempted.
Right?
Even if it were a lie, he could've chosen to say something that didn't sound so much like a big red flag. I could see the door to our room when Jie stopped me. "Our phones," she remembered.
My friend groaned as she checked the time on her watch, "I have to meet Jeric at that cabin," she whispered, nervously glancing around before holding my hand, "Can you please get it for me and tell me I'm with you or in the bathroom if anyone asks?"
"I got you," I smiled reassuringly at the woman.
She sighed in relief, "I knew I could trust you."
"Where are the phones?"
"Either with Quincy or Mr. Camillo," she started walking away, "Thanks, Rose! I owe you!"
The evening was too fun for Camillo to ruin. I prayed that the phones were with Quincy.
-
It was not with Quincy.
I stared at the ceiling, hoping that it would rain strength. Seconds later of realizing that I looked stupid, I sighed and raised my hand to knock on the crap-colored wooden door.
No response. I knocked again. I heard frantic clatter from the other side, then footsteps. The knob turned and Nikolas stood before me in black sweatpants and a white shirt that fit his body better than I cared to admit.
"Good evening. Sorry to interrupt, but I'm here to get mine and Jie's phone."
Mr. Camillo sighed sharply. He looked at the hallway from left to right before his eyes landed on my face. I was still in a black jumper and a skirt. I looked good in front of Nikolas but honestly, I was longing for a warm shower, baggy sweats, and a tank top.
"Good evening," he cleared his throat. "Sure."
I caught a glimpse of his room. It had the same cream-colored walls and matching curtains, but the bed was bigger and the room was smaller—for one person only. There was a cabinet like the ones we had but in a different color.
I stood awkwardly by the door as Mr. Camillo headed to the cabinet and pulled it open. A moment later, I saw him pause. Turning, his brows furrowed.
"Come in, Rose," he scoffed, "It's weirder if they see you out there in this building. Just keep your distance." The last line was mumbled with a hint of annoyance still. He was making a mistake letting me in and I was close to manipulating myself into thinking that it's because deep down, he wanted me in his room.
With the blankest expression I could show, I took a step forward and closed the door behind me. Nikolas was crouching, the black box in the lower part of the cabinet. I walked up behind him and stopped not too close.
His hands fished through the phones inside. I guess a lot of students forgot their devices. Then, he paused and sighed again, "It's not like I know which phone is yours."
I got on my knees beside him. I was quick to spot mine and Jie's phones. I grabbed them. We were close—so close we could touch. 'Just keep your distance' didn't really work.
We were so close that I could feel heat radiating from his body. Never have I become so aware of such a concept until then. We were close that I could smell my favorite scent on my favorite man. Even the stench of alcohol beneath his perfume.
I paused. Alcohol? at a retreat house?
"What?" he asked in a low voice. I put the phones down.
My eyes darted to a tiny detail I almost missed. Underneath his bed was a duffel bag so stuffed that the top of the whiskey bottle peeked through. In a single moment, everything finally made sense.
Vita Counseling and Wellness Center? The beverages section in the convenience store? On the yacht? Always finding him at some bar in public? At the restaurant? Him talking about addiction?
"What's that?" I reached for the bag and his hand gripped my wrist too harshly.
"Get your phone and leave," his voice was almost a whisper—a terrifying warning nonetheless. My eyes landed on his face, seeing his jaw tense.
"No," I found myself saying, "You have a problem, don't you?"
The silence that followed wasn't a gray area between yes and no. It was 'yes, but why should I tell you?'
He let go of me and sat on the floor, his ass hitting the carpet with a thump. His head hung low and I felt a tug at my gut—not one pulling me to my door. Rather, it pulled me to Nikolas in a way beyond physical.
"A drinking prob—"
"Don't worry about it," he cut me off, "It's none of your concern."
It was only two days ago that I told Sean the same thing.
"It is if I want it to be," I quoted Sean. I grabbed Nick's hands. He looked as torn as he could be—or as torn as he'd let me see and trust me, I've seen him conflicted plenty of times before.
"I'm not gonna ask you why you do it," my voice came out weaker than I intended, "But I'm gonna ask you to trust me."
I wouldn't blame him if he said no, drags me to the door, and slams it in my face, but I truly did want him to trust me in more ways than one. His reply was silence.
"Do you?" I shook his hands lightly, asking for a reply. Nothing.
"I'm sorry," I didn't know exactly what I was sorry about amongst the plenty of reasons that urged me to say it. Sorry about the things I've done? Sorry about his personal problems?
There was silence again and I let him indulge in it. Seconds later, which did not feel like seconds at all, he lifted his head and his eyes met mine—the usual bright brown now dark from alcohol and the dull lighting of the room.
He opened his mouth but was still choosing words; closed it again, and opened again. "I can't stop."
"Does she know?"
He licked his lips, "She doesn't."
Nick scoffed, "I don't want a child because I can't even take care of myself, Rose."
Maybe it was my mind playing tricks. If it was, then my mind's one hell of a deceiver. In front of me, a vulnerable Nikolas had watery eyes.
"I'm sorry," my thumbs rubbed circles on his knuckles and I saw his shoulders drop as he exhaled, "Does anyone else know?"
"I guess you could count my therapist," he laughed humorlessly.
"I usually have the wittiest remarks, Mr. Camillo," I scoffed, "But now I don't know what else to tell you other than I'm here if you need anything. Seriously."
"Thank you but I'll be fine."
I just had to say it again, "I'm sorry."
We were two torn people teary-eyed on the floor of a retreat house. But people cry at retreats, right? if you didn't know that one was an alcohol-abusive principal and the other was his potentially nymphomaniac student, it would be rational enough.
"You keep saying that," he looked at the ceiling, staring at the light.
"I feel like saying it," I shrugged, "I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better," I straightened my back, "I would have never guessed if I didn't come into your room tonight. You're just so... composed all the time."
I watched his face—still so dangerously handsome despite looking like the whole world was ending.
"Or maybe I'm just stupid," I shrugged.
A tiny part of me felt victorious when I saw the corner of his lips twitch up.
"You're not stupid," he closed his eyes, "I have a lot of words I can describe you with and stupid's not one of them. You just... lack control."
In an attempt to lighten the mood, I asked, "Really? What are those words?"
"If I tell you all of them, the sun would be up when we finish."
He opened his eyes again and they landed on me. Particularly, on my hands which were still intertwined with his.
"I don't mind." I smiled sadly. I could stay there with him, holding his hand and listening to his voice for as long as I can.
He furrowed his brows and bent his head to the side. "Let's see," he cleared his throat, "You're pretty fucking stubborn."
I laughed.
"And you got big balls for a small person," he told me.
"You're smart, witty, pretty annoying, but you already knew that. Annoying, too."
He said annoying twice but I kept quiet. I found myself cocking my head to the side too, mimicking the man. He continued, "You're independent... or maybe you just don't like counting on others. You're persistent, snarky, clingy as hell..."
I smiled.
"You're beautiful," his features softened and I felt my breathing hitch, "and you shouldn't be here. I don't trust myself around you."
I became aware that we were inching closer and closer towards each other. Or maybe just me.
I licked my lips and his eyes fell on them, following the movement. He was close and getting closer. It was different this time—completely voluntary. It felt... it made me nervous—excited, like I was about to have my first kiss again.
I closed my eyes, about to cover the distance when there was a knock on the door.
"Mr. Camillo?" Ms. Xi called out from the other side of the door, causing both of us to flinch.
Nick abruptly stood. "Get down," he whispered and I did just that. I pulled the blanket, dangling it off the bed's side where I hid, laying on the floor beside it. Nick opened the door.
"Sorry, sir, but we have an issue," the woman's voice sounded frantic.
"What is it?" he asked.
"We caught two students in the cabin at the back."
Goddamnit, Jie.
"I'll be right there."
Once I heard the door close again, I got to my feet.
"That would be my friends," I cringed, "Please take it easy on them."
"I think you should leave. Ms. Xi went downstairs, the coast is clear."
We were about to kiss, for fuck's sake. Never did I think that my friends would be the ones to ruin it.
"Then goodnight?"
"Goodnight and goodbye."
I looked at him in confusion. He explained further, "I leave tomorrow, remember?"
"Oh, right."
"Rose?"
"Yeah?"
"Keep it a secret," he stuffed his hands in his pockets.
A secret. Just like everything else between us.
"Of course. You can trust me."