[A/N: I wasn't expecting to finish up a chapter or to publish either, trust me. :) It just happened. I think it helped me cope with some of the terrible things we are witnessing in the world. I would like to believe in change, and I hope this little chapter brings a smile to y'alls faces. <3 Love you guys.]
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Jungkook wakes up from a nightmare. He is sweating, his heart racing. His surroundings don't make sense for a few shocking seconds.
Everything is unfamiliar, from the popcorn ceiling and the distinct smell of wood to the gentle lifting of a white lace curtain through the early morning breeze. His gaze lands on a hand peeking from the side of the bed next to where he is laying, sees delicate fingers, short, unpainted nails. The sound of Jimin's breathing slowly fills up the quiet room, and Jungkook is slowly brought back to reality.
The cabin seems to be the way they left it last night. The second bed is made. There are two pairs of shoes, and his phone — Jungkook grabs it in a hurry to realize — has no new text messages. He curses quietly, attempting to sit up. With it a sharp ache stabs the back of his skull all the way to his left eye, and the resulting nausea has Jungkook curling over his knees as his body absorbs the pain.
There it is. Jungkook had been mildly feeling the headache since yesterday but nap escapades during the trip had helped with it. He was hoping that sleep would chase it away, but it makes sense that he isn't feeling any better because he barely slept last night. Hell, it was like 3 a.m. when he and Jimin went to bed... they kinda stayed up, talking.
With a soft grunt, he stands up, using the table leaned on the wall behind him for leverage. There are a few items on it. In his state of pain, the only one standing out is the bottle of aspirin.
He hates himself a little bit as he picks it up. He is not even sure if he deserves it, given the dramatic backstory of what it costed Jimin to buy that for him. He eyes Jimin's sleeping figure on the bed. The man is in a deep slumber with his arms extended to the sides as if he sold his soul to the keeper of dreams. The world behind his eyes must be prettier, Jungkook thinks absentmindedly as he tugs the cover higher over Jimin's body.
He swallows a pill and steps outside in a state of restlessness, wearing some random slippers he found by the door. Immediately, Vernazza is too bright for his comfort. The sun is milder in the morning — what, it's like... he checks his phone, 8 a.m.? He must have had five hours of sleep or something, Jesus. There is a sprinkle of clouds guarding the skies as well, nevertheless, everything seems twice as vibrant in this town of rainbow-colored buildings.
The woodsy smell follows Jungkook outside the cabin, and only belatedly he realizes it's smoke. Grey vapor is rising into the air from the direction of the cabin's backyard Jungkook hadn't noticed. He skips to check it out, ignoring the stronger pounding of his left eye. To his shock, Yoongi is there! He is airing a bonfire in a circular little area surrounded by three white plastic chairs.
The "hyung!" that leaves Jungkook's throat is very much similar to the one from last night when he called for Jimin. Desperate, guilty, relieved, spent, all at once, Jungkook runs to him, stopping short of a hug. He trembles pathetically, full of hesitation as he tries reading into the otherwise calm expression on Yoongi's face. Certainly, he does not expect to tear up when Yoongi pulls him into a hard hug. He clings so tight that the producer has to peel him off of his body in an attempt to look at him.
"What, what, what," Yoongi chants indifferently, as if he is offended Jungkook suspected he wouldn't survive in the first place. "You even found Jimin."
"Are you okay?"
Yoongi blinks in a state of tiredness, then slowly nods. His dark circles stand out in the bright morning. He steps back, stuffing his hands in the pocket of his jeans, staring away. Something definitely happened, but Jungkook waits to dig deeper.
A few minutes later, they are situated by the open fire Yoongi has started in the nook of a wood. He is boiling some sort of soup in a tin. He offers some to Jungkook, saying it will cure his headache.
"There was no stove inside," he explains, slurping his own soup from a metal spoon. "So I lit up a fire. You might have smelled it in your sleep, I don't know."
Jungkook blows on his spoonful, watching Yoongi through the fog. He doesn't have time to think about the logistics of how the soup came to be. Yoongi looks like he didn't sleep all night. It worries Jungkook deeply, adding to his guilt of not being of any help in a situation Yoongi needed him most. He must have sighed so loudly that Yoongi's eyes snap up at him.
"Where did you find him?" the producer asks.
The question sends a flutter down Jungkook stomach and a wave of hotness around his neck. He feels invaded, although it's exactly the kind of question he was thinking of asking Yoongi.
"Jimin? Near the boat," he answers, and when Yoongi raises an eyebrow at him, blushes. The quicker he says it, the faster it'll end. "He was in pain."
"What do you mean?"
"I think he has a back problem. I checked on him but he says he just needs to rest," Jungkook explains, anxiety increasing as the concern on Yoongi's face grows.
"Are you sure that's all?"
Jungkook swallows hard. If he convinces himself that Jimin is okay, does it count as lying to Yoongi? Because trying to erase the memory of Jimin crying last night weighs heavier on him than the guilt of nodding in Yoongi's direction. Right now, Jungkook doesn't feel like he believes his own words or the lies he's telling his friend.
Yoongi leans back in his chair, pieces of hair falling over his eyes doing little to hinder the judgment in them. Like always, he seems to know everything Jungkook doesn't.
"Have you... found Hoseok?" Jungkook asks slowly, tentatively, stirring the subject in his favor.
The producer's eyes flicker, and he lets out a sigh this time, his shoulders sagging ever so slightly. It looks like he won't answer but then he surprisingly says, "Yeah," and Jungkook nearly falls out of his chair.
"Yeah?!" he repeats, his voice not louder than the pounding on his chest. For good measure, he puts his bowl to the ground, attention unwavering from Yoongi who pretends like it's not a big deal.
"I was right. Namjoon is his cousin."
Wow. Jungkook's admiration for his hyung's genius returns full blown. Shame on him for doubting him for a second!
"Okay but did you see him though? Is Hoseok here?" he can't stop himself now.
Yoongi taps the table, eyes warning him to be quiet but a small smile spreading his lips. "I did. I saw him."
Jungkook's jaw drops. He can't believe it. He knows that it's true if Yoongi is saying it, absolutely. But there is something about finding Hoseok being this huge, sacred goal that perhaps made it unattainable in his eyes. The thought sends a jolt through his heart, and Jungkook knows it's because, that particular thought is connected to a bigger reality in his world — a reality he has been wholeheartedly ignoring, pushing down.
"And??" a mix of anxiety and anticipation twists his stomach into knots as he waits for the producer to answer.
"Yeah that's it," Yoongi says quietly, suddenly too serious.
Jungkook keeps as still as possible, afraid to even breathe. He waits as his friend gathers his thoughts. Eventually Yoongi looks up, but it's the look of someone lifting the weight of the world with his eyelids, and offers Jungkook nothing more than a simple shrug.
"He... was there. They sat on the staircase of a house. They talked. They drank. They seemed close," Yoongi blinks absent-mindledy. He has transported himself to that moment. Jungkook can tell, he is reliving it. "He looked okay."
A single feather floats in the sky. Past it, Yoongi's hands tigthen where they are holding his bowl of soup. Jungkook feels his chest burn with anger.
"You didn't talk to him, did you?"
Yoongi's gaze snaps away from him. "It wasn't the right time."
"Hyung."
Yoongi sighs relentlessly, suddenly looking defensive and stressed out. His hands are shaking so much his bowl falls out of his hands, startling them both. Yoongi curses, grabbing it by the corner but giving up halfway. The bowl falls back on the ground. Jungkook purses his lips as their eyes tentatively meet. "Don't look at me like you never dropped a bowl before. Besides, I couldn't confront him alone, could I?! Somebody ditched their friend—ah ah ah, don't even—" he interrupts as Jungkook opens his mouth. "Don't make me use it against you 'cuz I actually didn't mind, but now I will?" The more he talks, the cuter his argument gets, and somehow the tension in the air melts into Yoongi looking adorably defensive and Jungkook trying not to laugh at him. "What? W-what are you trying to say with that fucking expression?"
"Nothing. You literally told me not to talk—"
"Damn right I did," Yoongi aggressively leans back, back hitting the chair as he turns his head in all directions, hot and bothered in a failed attempt to escape Jungkook's attention. "Piece of shit. Having the time of his life while I go through hell."
Jungkook's gasps in surprise, but Yoongi is quick to catch on.
"Not you. That..." his lips do an upset tremble and he grumbles under his breath, "ranch."
Despite the gravity of Yoongi's anxiety about meeting Hoseok, Jungkook can't help but think he is just not meant to be a gangster. Really. He may act all fired up and spit some fire rap, but Yoongi is essentially some soft-hearted dude who romanticizes the idea of following his heart. Otherwise, they wouldn't he sitting here with stomachs full of soup he made early morning despite Jungkook quite literally ditching him at his single most crucial moment in this trip.
God, Jungkook needs to get it together. Immediately.
"So what now? We go back to his house? Catch him off-guard?" he proposes eagerly.
Yoongi looks guilty. "I don't know. I'll figure something out."
"Wait what do you mean—"
"Figure out your own shit first," Yoongi raises his chin up, not minding the surprise on Jungkook's face. "I'm not trying to be mean to you but I also think you need to hear it to heal yourself."
Jungkook is literally taken aback, frozen in place as he tries to figure out when this entire thing became about him.
"Don't get me wrong, but you're kind of a perfectionist. If you want to live your life like that, fine. Noone cares. Do what you want aimma," Yoongi snaps his neck forward, eyebrows furrowed as he seriously lectures Jungkook. "But you can't expect someone like Jimin to be like you."
"H-hyung!" Jungkook squares up defensively, stumbling on his words to even go beyond a few nonsensical syllables. Why is Jimin being brought onto this? What does he have to do with anything!
"Hyung hyung hyung what," Yoongi's lips part like a fish, a daring expression on his face as he challenges a speechless Jungkook. "I haven't said a word all this time, so listen carefully while hyung is speaking."
When he doesn't continue after that, it quite well puts Jungkook in his place. Yoongi makes a pleased sound, relaxing as he leans his elbow on a leg and shifts closer.
"Look I don't know your history, but we chatted with Jimin a bit," he says. A wave of anxiety hits Jungkook at once, his heart picking up uncontrollably at the overwhelming thought of Jimin opening up to Yoongi about ugliest sides of themselves. "Yah, not like that. I was just checking on his mental condition. He seemed worn down, that's why," Yoongi gives Jungkook a tight smile, reaching over the now dead fire to pat Jungkook's hand amiably. "Yah."
Jungkook peeks at him through his burning cheeks, unable to keep eye contact for too long. He is, above all, utterly ashamed, and heavily burdened by the fact that he played a crucial role in Jimin's worsened condition.
"I don't know your history, but he is obviously trying. You notice?"
Jungkook ducks his head to swallow. Despite his wrongful actions, he still feels he had the right reasons to do everything he did. The past is just not gonna erase itself, and he still feels betrayed and cheated on, regardless of how ambiguously the connection between them had progressed.
He doesn't answer Yoongi though.
Yoongi seems to understand. He looks away, almost like talking to himself. "He is struggling, and I don't know... he just doesn't look okay."
Guilt floods in again. Jungkook hates feeling this way.
"I've been there," Yoongi says quietly. "I've been captured by the dark side of my mind, and maybe you have too, I'm not throwing shade. It's just... it's though in there, man," he sighs deeply, shoulders slumping.
All those thoughtfully written lyrics, meticulously produced songs, bravely plotted music videos, Yoongi's legacy in its entirety, is a testament for his struggles. And Jungkook knows that better than anyone, because he found Yoongi's music in his own darkness. He held on to every piece of it until he felt humanized, until his pain made sense and he found a purpose to keep fighting every day.
This was in his first year in America, coping with being a newcomer and grappling with his life choices. He felt pathetic, his move was sudden and motivated mostly by heartbreak, though deep inside he always wanted to go abroad to chase better and bigger opportunities. That first year was fucking lonely. He didn't adjust as quickly as he thought he would, and it took him a while to come to terms with his major, pursuing a career path so young in a fast-paced, aggressive world. He was now in this strange place surrounded by strangers, overstimulated and lacking guidance. It didn't help that his aunt who invited him to live with her quite literally sent him off to a dorm, calling perhaps once a month perhaps not, giving zero shits about his existence.
In his dark days of grappling with depression, if he hadn't found Yoongi's music, he doesn't know what he would have done. He wouldn't have started therapy either, which saved his life.
All this to say, Yoongi reaches out to those in pain, and if he says he is worried about Jimin, it's enough reason to have Jungkook come to his senses and admit he cares.
"He, again, I don't know him properly," Yoongi looks at Jungkook, this time a little reserved and shy that it has Jungkook feeling warm all over as he waits impatiently for his words, "but this guy has some deep feelings for you."
Hearing this has a terrific effect on Jungkook, who can feel his heart sprinting to his throat and heat gushing all over his face.
Deep feelings.
He tries to keep calm. It's not like he didn't know, isn't it?
"That's just not true," but Jungkook resists.
Yoongi gives him the most done expression ever. "The past two days of you treating him shitty was enough for me to tell. I don't know if it happened before—I'm just saying, the fact that he still follows you around? Does you favours? Bears with your mood swings? He sticks around, Jungkook."
Jungkook doesn't know what to say, even if he wanted to fight Yoongi so badly, because... it is true. Jimin won't go away, he won't give up, and no matter how far Jungkook goes, believes that the good in him will eventually emerge.
Jungkook fights back tears. He never wanted to hurt Jimin. He never wanted to hate him. But here they are.
"It could be a bad thing..." Yoongi pauses, checking Jungkook's reaction as he hesitates.
"What do you mean by that," Jungkook swallows hard, his voice coming out manlier than usual. He holds his stance, waiting for Yoongi to rip the band-aid.
The producer twists his head sideways like he isn't sure it's a good idea to tell. It's upsetting. Jungkook doesn't want pity, he wants to hear it like it is. He raises an eyebrow at Yoongi, and it works in compelling the producer to continue.
Yoongi sighs, defeated. "Especially if you treated him like this before... it could just be, a... a bad thing, you know. It could be that he... purposefully seeks toxic relationships and that's... fucked up."
Jungkook's heart pounds. He feels sick in his stomach, he could throw up everywhere. Is he toxic? Is he a toxic person? Did he act shitty towards Jimin outside of Italy? What about back home? He was a douchebag back in college for sure. Was that, was that something he did even years later? Fuck. Fuck. Is that why Jimin came around?
He is spiralling, and it must be showing real bad because Yoongi literally walks to up to him and kneels in front of him, calling him a few times to get Jungkook to look at him.
"Jungkook, hey, hey."
The noise drowns out at once, and Jungkook hears the sound of his loud breaths as he is thrown into Yoongi's eyes. His chest is rising frantically, and he has unshed tears in his eyes.
"What the fuck," he mumbles at the world, not prepared to deal with all this anxiety hitting him out of nowhere. He was fine, he had it under control.
Yoongi squeezes his knees, looking worried as hell.
"Did you mean that?" Jungkook rushes his words. "The toxic thing. Do you–do you think he is following me around because he has a past of unhealthy relationships?"
"No, no, not at all, I said it could be the case—"
"Then it means it is the case—"
"I would have faith in him, Jungkook!" Yoongi raises his voice. It's enough to break Jungkook from his track of ruminations. "I'd have faith that he is more than that, that he has grown from his past, or that is he is at least trying to. Maybe you give him purpose. Maybe you inspire him. You have amazing qualities to yourself, hell I'm lucky to have met you!"
The tears don't hold themselves back at that, and Jungkook finds his bottom lip trembling as he watches Yoongi laugh at him softly.
"No, I mean it—don't cry, why are you crying, you punk—" he swats away the tears on Jungkook's cheeks with the flicks of his fingers, causing Jungkook to laugh in embarassment, and wipe them away himself. "I mean it," Yoongi continues as he waits for Jungkook to put himself together. "You are younger than me but you inspire me in many ways."
Jungkook has no way of telling Yoongi how much those words mean to him. So he chooses his bratty ways. "Including writing your songs?"
Yoongi chuckles in what sounds like relief as he rolls his eyes. "Yeah. Sometimes."
"Do I get copyright claims?"
"No. Absolutely not. Don't change the topic," Yoongi points at him, still not buckling. "You're a solid."
"Thanks hyung," Jungkook smiles now that he has gotten his emotions at least partly out of his system.
"There is nothing to thank me for. It is what it is. I get the part of someone being enchanted by you. But I don't know many people who would literally follow someone to the other side of the globe to get themselves forgiven."
Jungkook's gaze lands on the ground.
It's not that he... doesn't see it. In fact, Jungkook could sense Jimin around him with his eyes closed. He is present, and Jungkook feels him all around himself, most often suffocates from the intensity of Jimin's aura. He doesn't know what the deal between them is, but there is a stronger power that attracts their energy fields.
It has always been like that.
Especially in university years where he did his best to shut out his intense feelings and uncontrollable attraction towards Jimin, he attributed it to gay panic due to being in the closet, or in general, hormones. But now that he knows Jimin was actively interested in getting his attention back then, or simply, just thinking about him as they shared that little room, he knows it's more than a coming-of-age coincidence.
When Jimin's heart seeked him, the world always let him know. It was quiet signals, ambiguous messages, but something was there, and it drove Jungkook crazy.
Years later, Jimin standing at that airport with a random hoodie and a quick bag, eyes burning into Jungkook's, saying "I am not letting you slip away again" was the most surreal thing that ever happened to him. Jungkook couldn't believe what he was witnessing. He couldn't have dreamt of that moment in that slim, shapeless body of his younger self for a second.
The mix of feelings made him want to pull his hair out. He wanted to submit, but he acted mad and jerk-like. He knew it would only destroy him, but he did not expect to see his destruction on Jimin.
There is the image of Jimin with unshed tears in eyes, holding a bag of medicine he purchased for Jungkook, spilled coffee over his shirt after the lengths he went for him that Jungkook can't get out of his head since last night. Knowing that he did it to Jimin makes him burn with embarrassment, and self-directed anger. He has no face to recognize or accept Jimin's feelings towards himself, because he... doesn't trust himself to take good care of Jimin after seeing what he is capable of.
Then how does Jimin have faith in him so much? How does he know Jungkook will bring out the best in him, after all this? Why does he care, after all this? Jungkook was ready to erase him in an eyeblink. It wasn't even the end of the world. They didn't even have an agreement or an exclusive thing or whatever — they had nothing discussed. Yet Jungkook felt entitled enough to be offended that Jimin was sleeping with his ex.
Why was it so easy for him to shut out Jimin, and why is it so easy for Jimin to fight for him?
...
The door cracks as Jungkook steps into the cabin. Both beds are empty, and light leaks dimly underneath the little bathroom door. Anxiously, Jungkook walks to the bedside table. He makes way for the bowl of soup by pushing through the objects on it, careful not to spill. As he turns around, Jimin walks out of the bathroom with a towel around his neck. They lock eyes. Jungkook panics, motionless.
"Morning," Jimin says quietly in cute pronunciation.
It stabs Jungkook right in the heart, enough to get him shuffling around. "Drink that," he points at the bowl, looking anywhere but at Jimin. "Yoongi hyung made it for us."
Jimin seems delighted. He goes to check out the soup, marvelling in its smell and mentioning how much he missed traditional Korean food although it's only been two days. It makes sense, considering how he has never travelled abroad before. The food in the tour has been great so far, but it doesn't replace the dishes they grew up enjoying, full of heartwarming memories.
"Where is he? Is he okay?" Jimin asks about Yoongi.
"Mm," Jungkook nods, trying to assess whether Jimin's back is okay by his movements. He realizes it might look like he is ogling at Jimin. He can feel heat rushing over him as they make eye contact again. "He'll tell you about it," he blinks, voice shaking.
Jimin seems to have sensed something different with his actions, because he is giving Jungkook that look. "Did he find Hoseok?"
"Yeah."
"For real?!!" he drops the towel. "Where is the bastard? Are we going to get him?" It makes Jungkook smile. This was his exact reaction too.
"Obviously."
Jimin looks satisfied, nodding continuously as he drops to the bed, and grabs the bowl. He searches for something on the table. He raises his head like he is going to tell Jungkook, but goes silent. He has paused midway, both of them staring awkwardly at each other.
Out of the million nerve-racking things Jungkook imagines Jimin could say at that moment, Jimin hesitantly asks for a spoon.
And out of the million rude ways Jungkook images he could turn Jimin down and belittle him for asking... he apologizes.
"My bad," he says, feeling his body throb as Jimin's lips part. "I'll go get it for you."
Handing that spoon to Jimin is the closest thing to happiness Jungkook feels in days. It's so insignificant, such a small gesture. But the smile on Jimin's lips says otherwise, and Jungkook wonders if maybe it isn't too late to turn things around.
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[A/N: There ya have it! :) Who has an answer to this question "Why was it so easy for Jungkook to shut out Jimin, and why is it so easy for Jimin to fight for him?" Let me hear your thoughts. :)]