"Morning, Dr. Deluca." I look up from my phone when Dr. Hilliam enters his office, giving him a smile as a greeting in return. He walks over to the coffee station in the corner and ask if he can make me one as well. "Espresso, per favore?" He nods with his back to me and grabs another pod from the dispenser on his right. "Since we're on the topic of coffee, how did the coffee date with Nate go?" I silence my phone and drop it back in my bag at my feet before turning my chair to face him. "He was disappointed and hurt at first, trying to get me to change my mind."
He turns around to smile at me, while carrying our cups over to his desk. When he's comfortable in his chair after taking his first sip, he tells me to continue. "I think once the shock wore off, he realized that it was inevitable. He could see from a mile away that Maya was still in love with me, and I don't know how long I would've dragged him along if he didn't bring it to my attention that Maya was still wearing her ring. I don't think I would've snapped out of it long enough to see how in love I still am with her if it wasn't for the events of that evening."
I blush when he gives me a knowing look. I disclosed everything that happened between the time I got my green card to the night we baked cookies together. I didn't spare any details when I told him about me trying to seduce Maya into meaningless sex and the terrible words I spewed at her when I didn't get my way. He understood why I was so angry at her and helped me look past my own feelings to see the pain I caused her.
I admitted that I've been masturbating to the thought of Maya since we sat on the bench at the pier, which has increased ever since I started having fantasies about her in her kitchen. As someone who specializes in orgasms, it was getting on my last nerve that I haven't been able to reach one since I asked her to meet me in the middle.
We worked through the fear that made me run from her when she was admitted to the hospital and about my feelings over her suicide attempt. He laughed when I told him where I hid our divorce papers and how jealous I was when I thought of Maya with anyone else.
"I will always be grateful to Nate for guiding me to the path I was always meant to be on." And for coming back to Seattle to set me free in order to pursue the woman waiting for me at the finish line. "The path to love and a family?" I glare at him because the only thing I've been refusing to talk about was my papa. "The path to Maya. She's all I want. I don't need a big family, or kids, or the white picket fence. She's enough."
He taps his pen on his desk while staring me down. Cazzo. This conversation was the last on the long list of things I had to work through to put my past behind me. We already talked about my resentment towards my father and his part in the trauma I endured. "Have you talked to your father since your trip to Italy?"
Getting to that part of the story that included my dad was as far as it went. I made it clear that he was someone I wanted to leave dead and buried in my past, so there was no reason for me to embrace him in the life I was trying to create for my present and future. "Non fare giochi mentali. You know I haven't." I refuse to get my hopes up that my dad will stay healthy and sane like he seemed during my visit in Italy.
I've witnessed it a million times before. He meets someone new, puts his best foot forward, pretends that he didn't burn his life to the ground. But as soon as he has you hooked on his lies, he convinces himself that he'll be better off without his meds and slowly sinks into the mania. Turning into a monster that snuffs out the tiny bits of love that started forming when he was mellow.
I couldn't blame his illness for the resentment I had towards him. No, the blame was solely his to bear. He hated woman, he hated my mom, and he hated me. Whether he was on medication, experiencing his extreme highs or falling into psychosis, I was never good enough for him. An OB-GYN in his family, a disgrace to his reputation and even more so after his pride and joy died. Andrea was the only one to ever have any kind of standing with him.
My only saving grace was that I never let jealousy consume me over the bond my brother shared with both our parents. I understood their obsession with him because he was my favorite person in the world too. If it weren't for Maya, the guilt I carried over his death would've killed me.
Guilt for not believing him when he knew that his patient was a human traffic victim. Guilt for being persuaded into tailing a criminal, when we should've waited for the police. Guilt for losing sight of him in the busy train station, which allowed some lunatic to stab him. Guilt over needing to find comfort in Maya's arms, the exact minute he started bleeding out. Guilt over letting him die alone and afraid, when it was my job as his big sister to protect him.
Maya made sure that I knew that I still had another half of a whole to cling onto after I lost him, and that it was possible to breath without him, no matter how much it hurt. She's the reason I was able to work through my past so fast with Dr. Hilliam. Because she already carried me through the worst of it.
Now my therapist wants me to keep avoiding Maya in order for me to make my own decision, unbiased of her opinion, while in the same breath, asking me to talk to my tormentor. "Why do you think he reached out?" That was the same question I asked myself when I received an email from him, out of the blue, asking me to call him.
After ignoring the email for a few days, he sent another one stating that he wanted to apologize for the pain he caused me. From the emotional and verbal abuse I had to endure as a child and as a grown woman, to condemning my marriage with Maya when I told him about her, and everything that happened in between.
"He's asking for forgiveness, which makes me think that he's either dying or becoming senile. Or most likely, he's trying to appease Paula and using me as a chess piece in his little game of manipulation." Paula has been kind enough to send me weekly updates on my father's health and promised me that he was still taking his medicine and has become a wonderful man. I call la porcheria on the whole thing.
"When we talked about your father before, you mentioned how he's never apologized for anything in his entire life. The picture you painted of him was one of ruthlessness, unrelenting pride, and misogyny. Isn't there a small part of you that sees his attempt to make amends as a step forward? That you could be allowed to feel positive feelings towards your father?" I roll my eyes at Dr. Hilliam and shake my head.
Let them who live in glass houses be the first to cast a stone. "When can I see Maya again?" I steel my gaze when he sighs loudly at my abrupt change of subject, but I become frustrated when he doesn't relent like I thought he would. I've seen Maya give this same stare to people a lot scarier than Dr. Hilliam, watching them scamper and bump into each other in their haste to get away. Why couldn't that intimidation rub off on me?
"I'm not choosing your dad's side, Carina. Helping you is all I care about here. Which is why I think having that talk with your father will be nothing but beneficial for you. Either repairing the damage done or finding closure on that chapter on your past so you can move on with a pure heart, leaving the hate and resentment behind." He spins his chair around and bends over to search for something on the shelves against the wall.
He pulls out a bright yellow notebook with a matching pen and slides it across his desk to me. I raise my eyebrow at him. "Tell him everything that he has done that made you feel the way you do about him. Get everything off your chest and give him something to work off of. If he doesn't respond, then you leave your baggage on his doorstep. Let it become his cross to bear and relieve yourself from that burden. No harm done."
He shrugs his shoulders and blows imaginary dust out of his palm, an indication that I should let it go. "But if he wants to earn his place in your life, then don't close your heart to it and let the 'what if' taint your soul." He pushes himself up on his forearm to lean closer to me.
"That's the chance you want your wife to take on you, right? To wait for you on the other side while you fight your way towards her?" When I feel his words crush into me, I slump against the chair and close my eyes to the satisfied smile on his face. "While you're at it, why not write down what you want to say to Maya? Nothing too small or too big. Everything that you need to address before you can embark on your future together."
I move over to the armchair near the window, while we finish our session. We talk about Andrea and my mom some more. Touch on Maya's parents, which unlocks a whole new wave of anger in me. He asks me about the affect the incident with the gropy man on the street had on me and was very pleased and somewhat embarrassed when I admitted that lying in Maya's arms had a much longer lasting effect on my dreams than that of my assault at university.
When Dr. Hilliam looks down at his watch, I do the same, only to realize that an hour passed in a blink of an eye. "I'm confident that you are comfortable in yourself. Enough so, that I believe your past won't misguide you on the journey that's to come." The smile starts like a small twitch at the corners of my mouth, but they giddiness spreads throughout my chest until I'm grinning ear to ear.
"I get to see Maya?" He laughs at my enthusiasm but nods his head anyway. "We both know you never ceased contact with her to begin with. If you had, you would have been crawling out of your skin from the frustration." He shakes his head in a friendly manner, and it's clear that he isn't mad at me. "I couldn't abandon her again, Dr. Hilliam. I have been keeping my distance, avoiding the serious conversations. I couldn't risk her letting go just yet." After I called Maya to ask her to wait for me, she took a step back and graciously supported me.
I couldn't allow us to actually talk, so I just dropped text messages telling her that she was on my mind. Wishing her a good morning or saying good night, sending her pictures or memes that made me think of her. Telling her to be careful when I saw an accident or fire on the news. It took every ounce of self-control to not blurt out how in love with her I still am before Nate came back from his extended trip.
She tried calling me a few days after she left Amelia's apartment, to tell me something important, but I had to beg her to stop talking. A few days after that she sent me a text begging me to take her calls. Sono un tale codardo. She even cornered me during 19's clinic day but I ran away like a coward with my fingers in my ear when she started with, 'I didn't want you to find out from someone else...'
My worst fear was that someone else saw how amazing Maya is and that she was trying to tell me that she started dating someone else. I drove or walked to her apartment every night for a week straight, only to see my reflection in the front door of the building to remind me that I wasn't the best version of myself for Maya yet. My resolve caved in after it seemed that Maya gave up on us, when she stopped replying to my texts.
Jack talked me off a ledge and assured me that Maya has no intension of joining the dating pool again. What I didn't find soothing was him telling me to be careful in opening my heart up to her again, making me confident that he knew what secret she's been trying to tell me. When I went home that day, I was more confused than ever before because it started to seem like Maya's fight was dwindling while mine was just getting fired up.
"I just need you to remember one thing." He waits for me to nod my head vigorously before he continues. "Maya is her own person, with her own past and her own fears. You may love her, Carina, but you can't force her to forget and forgive immediately. Saving your marriage is going to take a lot of work from both sides. You can't control the outcome." He gives me a tight smile, which is both reassuring and concerning at the same time.
"There is a big difference between compromising on things with your partner as opposed to changing yourself to accommodate them. Don't hinder the progress you both made by falling into the same pattern as before. Rather say what needs to be said and deal with the fallout. You are not allowed to stay quiet while the uncertainty and fear gnaws away at you. Communication is key."
The smile slowly starts to slip from my face, and I break out in a cold sweat. Since the day Dr. Hilliam told me to cease contact with Maya, I've been moody and acting like a kid who was told she wasn't allowed to play with her favorite toy. That is, until today.
I had to figure out who I am in my own independence. Not the child that was formed by my dad's moods and disappointments, not the teenager I grew up to be after being abandoned by my mother in Italy. Not a survivor of rape or a grieving sister who lost her brother too soon. I am more than Andrea's sister, Vincenzo and Lucia DeLuca's daughter. I am more than the title on my door as a department head at the leading hospital in Seattle.
I am my own person who gets to make her own choices and this improved version of me wants to be Maya Bishop's wife. But what if she doesn't want me? Was finding myself worth it if I have to be my own person alone in this world without the other half of my soul to breathe life into me and make me want to live?
"This is why the experts call it 'fixing your marriage, fighting for love, building a relationship.' It's work, Carina. It all depends on how much effort you put into it. 'If you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life.' I think that's how the saying goes." He blushes crimson when I giggle at the sexual innuendo my brain conjured up with that American saying. He shakes his head when my laughter becomes uncontrollable and walks over to the bookshelf.
He takes a gift-wrapped box from the top shelve and walks me to the door with it in his hand. "I am a firm believer that my patients should receive a memento for the progress they've made. Today marks your thirty-day milestone. People recovering from a drug or alcohol addiction get a sobriety chip and people who join a wellness center get a membership. Here we acknowledge your ability to find peace within yourself by awarding you with your own Zen garden that symbolizes that peace."
He gently places the box in my outstretched palms before he bows his head over his hands. "Namaste." I get a little misty eyed at the sweet gesture, wishing I could hug him and thank him for helping me through this journey of self-discovery.
As I walk to my car, I feel my phone vibrate in my bag. I get into the driver seat and gently put my Zen garden on the passenger seat before I rummage through my bag to find my phone. I make sure it's not a page from the hospital's app before I go into my messages, surprised to find a text from the new mayor of Seattle.
I smile when I scroll up to the first message he sent in continuance of our earlier discussion about his upcoming date with the hospital's new COO. Mr. Reed, or Ethan as he asked to be called, was hired by Catherine Fox to run the operational side of things at the hospital while they look for Dr. Jackson Avery's replacement as the CEO of Grey Sloan. Who knew how much semantics went into running a hospital?
We bonded over coffee when he ran into my office to hide from Dr. Bailey. He started apologizing for intruding while waiting for her to move past our wing, only to stop short when he saw my espresso machine. He begged me to give him the rundown of all the surgeons while he indulged in a fantastic cup of coffee.
We only talked for an hour before I knew he and Travis would be perfect for each other, so I invited them both for drinks that night and conveniently got called into a surgery. They connected immediately and has been trying to find a gap in both their schedules to go on a proper date ever since.
That date finally happening last night, which appears to have gone better than expected if Ethan's slight limp and glowing smile while walking into my office for our coffee date this morning, was anything to go by.
Travis:
That man lives up to his title, because that officer was operating me like a chief last night.
Carina:
From the way he struggled to sit down, I would say your chief operated him too...
Travis:
Carina! You're worse than Vic!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! The date was incredible
Can you fake an emergency big enough to force the mayor to come to Grey Sloan
I'm nuts. I should play hard to get, right?
Right?
Carina....?
Hello!?
OMG! You will never believe the scene I'm looking at right now.
Maya + Baby = Cuteness overload!!!!
[Picture attached]