Ki Pov
'Maa! I'm visiting Dad. So, I might be coming late. Take care ♡' I texted Mom.
These days, Mom having bad cramps due to excessive footwork which is abling her not to move freely. Despite her health, she is still stubbornly visiting Hospital for Dad.
If this continues, I'm afraid that she might fall sick. That's why, even with the loaded work and upcoming college exams, I'm driving to visit Dad. Hope, he'll be well soon.
Finally after arriving the Hospital, I took the permission for the visit and entered the hallway where Dad's room is located at the corner of the left side.
While heading to the room, I couldn't help but to wonder at the Jake Hyung's words.
' "I already have my own problems to suffer and to extra I'm feeding you. Be thankful. If it is not because of that Lee Heeseung being my friend and him having a crush on you, I would never do all of these." '
Heeseung Hyung having a crush on me? *Scoffs* That's not a normal dad joke which Jake Hyung can ever pull. But he uttered every word intensely as if he means it. *Ruminating* Though he mentioned Hyung is his friend, how did they met and knew each other?
' "What do you mean? He said he'll give you those drink bottles." ' When Hyung said about someone handing me drink bottles...did he mean Jake Hyung?
Really? That's making some sense now. But again, how do they know each other?
*Sighs* Unbelievable!! Hyung don't even make a single eye contact with me. How come Jake Hyung say something like that? 'Crush?'
I'm pretty sure that Heeseung Hyung is not even on a border line of having any fondness towards me. *Great conclusion*
Earning all the thoughts, I fastened my pace to the fellow room.
Seems like Thursday's are not that encouraging for family visiting days, there are no visitors today. It's alright. *Shrugs* There is peace in no crowds. Good for patients health too.
Trailing my feet near to the door, I held the knob and rotated, when I'm about to pull the door, I saw Heeseung Hyung in the room.
I hurriedly rushed to get away from standing infront of the glassed door. Placing myself near- beside the door, I tried to peek in.
As the door is already unlocked which obviously went unnoticed by Hyung, I took it as an opportunity and pulled the door a bit onto me, keeping my feet in between, I stopped the door closing back in.
I never saw Hyung visiting the Hospital that much. Mainly, after transferring Dad to ICU, he barely had time to even come home.
And at this, Mom too didn't speak much which made me wonder with various scenarios also adding...suspecting.
But seeing him, my heart unknowingly felt relieved. Maybe...he needed some time to face his Dad. Yeah, that might be the case.
Who doesn't tremble at seeing his Dad falling asleep these many days? I'm such a fool to think Hyung in that way. "I'm sorry, Hyung." *Whispers*
Trailing my eyes back at Hyung with my body taking heavy support to lean on the wall, to peek in...I struggled.
"There is something..." I heard Hyung speaking. Immediately my ears engrossed at his voice, making me listen his every single word with his flowing emotions. "...I need you to know, Father." He announced while keeping the bouquet aside on a side table which he brought along.
His eyes looked red. Red in tired.
"I always wanted to say it. To...To someone like you. But I know, I never could." His voiced echoed sorrow, which made me grit my teeth.
"It's...It's so hard to keep this to myself." He struggled to voice out. "Also, I know what will happen if I say it." I glanced him clenching his shirt tightly at the words which he could hardly spell.
"What is making you feel this intense to say it out?" I whispered to myself.
What would it be?
"I'm a failure, Father. I'm such a....failure to you." A tear soon passed down from his eyes and stood on his plumpy cheek. "I know you'll hate it...but this-this needs to be told. Atleast to you." He spoke to his Father who is in deep slumber, who can never hear his any words. Yet, he still continued. "So...so please, don't hate me. Please." He begged with his eyes fixed down in infringement.
"I..I once liked a boy." He closed his eyes tightly after spelling those words, making that single tear finally fall down from his red cheeks. At his suffering, my feet strongly pressed against this tiled floor.
"The feeling is so closer to my Heart." His lips grew big in explanation. "It is so refreshing to see Him. I always feel enchanting whenever I listen to his words." He now lifted his head up, but his eyes still fixed down.
"I didn't know much about it then. About this feeling and..." He puzzled. He let his mind wander somewhere for a while just to speak again. But this time with a pleasant smile on his lips, he utters,"His everything surrounded me and loomed a fairy tale. How can I possibly understand the art of Love? The art of Him?" He chuckled with a pain lingering his eyes.
"I thought it will end soon with the flowing time. The fairy tale." He engraved the feeling.
"And the time, it do passed. But me obsessing over him was never. Then, I came to know. I understood that I...liked him a bit too much." With the feelings, he poured his tears out. While crying, he spoke in hiccups. "Too much. That... now the word 'like' isn't enough." He wailed.
"I..I somehow wanted to pur-pursue this feeling." He devotedly stared at his father. Kept his hands onto his chest and soon started scratching in pain. The pain which I first thought was just a physical but it never was.
"But I couldn't able to..." The sound of his soft snuffles filled the room, making me feel the heaviness in his chest.Think he wanted to rub off the heaviness but apparently, his frail fingers aren't able to. "I couldn't able to pursue this feeling as he became my B-brother." With a lot of effort he completed sculpting his words. But why I'm feeling uneasiness while hearing it?
Brother?
In stress, I waited for him to speak again. "A Br-brother." He spelled with a frown growing on his forehead and his glossy eyes which are staring deeply at his Father. "A Brother whom I could only share a sibling Love." He loomed his eyes in unjust. "Father, it is so hard for me." Saw his fingers which are slowly circling his own throat in tears. "It's more like...my own breathe is choking me."
"Do you remember that day, Father? That day when he came home as my Brother, I cried. I cried and cried in your arms. But..." Chuckles left his mouth with his hands now down on his lap. "You thought, I was overjoyed because I saw him. You thought, I was overjoyed because I met him and have him as my Brother." He lifted his hands and covered his red swollen eyes. Trying to stop his incessant tears.
"I was never overjoyed. I actually hated it. Hated it to my Heart." With a blurry vision, I saw him biting his lips in order to control his snobs.
Taking his hands away from his eyes, he wiped his tears. "The other day when he brought his friends to house, the second I knew that girl was his girlfriend, my Heart...it ached." He is once again crying his heart out. As if a lump stopped me to utter, I found myself not peeking in, anymore.
With my vision on the floor, I stood beside the door. Still holding the door to prevent closing with my feet in between, I heard him say,
"The pain..." He sighed "...It's so painful. But I can only cry silently to my own echoing feelings, in my room, door closed." He vulnerably expressed. "What can I do except than that?" Heard him chuckling. He is vexed.
"Still, I'm trying my best. The best I could do is to hide. All these five years, I'm resisting, Father. Hiding my every single feeling towards him. In process..." He trailed.
"In process, I became someone...someone whom I'm never was and never wanted to be too." His voice echoed as if he is determined to let this to be spoken.
"I became someone whom he can never Love even as a Brother. What a mistake I did?" A chuckle once again was heard. "I'm sorry. Though how much I try...to hide all these feelings...I can never able to erase them. These feelings...they are not fading, Father." He complained while wailing. "And I never want these feelings to be faded, too.
"Do you think, I'm selfish?" He hopelessly questioned.
Selfish? How can you be selfish Hyung? Even after all the things you've done, how can you call yourself Selfish, when you actually isn't?
"These days...when he is struggling with his studies and works, I could only able to hope but can never able to help. I-I really want to help him. I don't want him to get stressed... like how I did. I want to do things which can satisfy Him. But I cannot able to." He ached.
"Due to the fees of the hospitalisation, I...I somehow ended up signing various part time jobs." As a needle darted on my Heart, his words pierced my soul. "I never knew I would face the shortage in Money, Father. I always thought, we were well okay. Maybe because, of him, coming to my life, all my gloomy days are harboured away. Which also made me forgot our old rusty days."
"But after facing your fall and shortage in Money, I just came to know that I was too engrossed with my feelings and completely forgotten the World. The real World of my no dreams." He chuckles.
"And as you see, I...somehow managing all these. And we all three too. I'm happy that I'm abled to provide you the treatment, Father. But...you know what? He thinks, I don't care him." Scoffs are heard making me fist up my hands in guilt.
"How I desperately wanted to say 'I not just only care but loves You too' by taking him into my arms..." His Heart spoke in pain,
"It's paining, Father. Whenever he asks me to call him as a...Brother, it is paining as hell. How can I hide my pain when he is...roaming infront of me and...talking all that cosily? How can I act fool when he is eagerly wanting my care as a sibling? I just couldn't stop this...pain."
"Those days were really the best days. The days when I used to write letters to him, anonymously."
"How I used to play with his toy, making him curious to know my name, furiously. Those are the best days in my Life."
"But...He forgot all those. He forgot everything. Father...can you please help me? I'm in Love with Ki. I don't want to make him uncomfortable anymore. These five years...I somehow dragged my feet and...lived. Now, I'm tired. I don't have the heart to hesitate Him."
"Maybe......I really need to move out. I thought one day, I could bring Him home...but I never knew I would be leaving. I had no other choice but to leave. Sorry, Father. I couldn't able to hold the promise......He deserves the whole World, Father. Ki really deserves."