"No, I like you very much. Just as you are." – Bridget Jones Diary
I'd come to the terrible conclusion that I didn't completely hate Cassie Bennet after all. I by no means liked her, but I didn't hate her either. I hadn't expected to see her again, after whatever happened over the weekend, but then on Monday morning on my way to the weight room I looked into one of the studios and there she was.
She'd looked more intense than I'd ever seen her, which was saying something because nobody was as intense as Cassie, but there was something different about her. She was kickboxing with Alyssa, the roommate who didn't like me. And Cassie was better than I thought.
Sure, I'd seen her in action and knew she could throw a punch, but seeing her throw this many in a row, consistently switching from her left to her right, then throwing in kicks, it was kind of amazing.
Unluckily for me, however, Coleman caught me staring, "West what're you," he called out. Quickly followed by, "Oh."
"Shut up," I said grabbing his arm and dragging him away.
"I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to, I know what you're going to say, and you're wrong."
"So you don't have a thing for a certain project partner," he asks menacingly.
"No."
"Then why were you staring at her," he asks, raising an eyebrow.
"I wasn't staring, I was just walking by and happened to see her, and did a double take."
"Yo, Coleman, West," Payne calls out as we walk into the room, clearly having heard the tail end of our conversation, "Loverboy over here still staring when you walked by?"
"I was not," I start to say, but get cut off.
"You saw it too," Coleman practically shouts with glee, "Oh man, you're done now West. Payne's clearly been here for a bit. You were staring. You like her."
I feel my face begin to flush, "I might have been staring, but it was because I didn't know she could hit like that, it has nothing to do with me liking her."
"So you do like her then," Payne asks, grinning.
"I don't. End of discussion, or maybe I'll suggest to Coach that the team could use some extra time running the track this week."
They both rush to change the subject, and I smile. The biggest perk of being captain is I have the power to get any of them to shut up just like that. Okay, that might not be the biggest perk, but it's definitely up there. Some things don't need to be discussed and my love life, or lack thereof is one of them.
On Tuesday, when I got to class and saw her for the first time, officially, since everything I decided to invite her to our game this weekend. It was our first home game of the season, and we wanted to pack the stands. That's why I invited her, no other reason. I wasn't constantly thinking about whether or not she'd actually come or not.
I didn't intend to tell the guys I invited her, I knew they'd give me shit for it, but I was thinking about it so much throughout the day that on our drive back from practice I mumbled, "So I invited Cassie to the game on Saturday, do you think she'll come?"
"I thought you didn't like her," Gibbs asked from the driver's seat, clearly exchanging a look with Coleman who was up there next to him.
"I don't I just," I trailed off, not entirely sure how to finish.
"Dude just bone already and move on," Coleman says.
"Gross man, it's Cassie, I don't think about her like that," I shoot back, defensively.
"So I could ask her out then," Gibbs asks shooting me a grin.
"Be my guest man," I respond, gritting my teeth, "but good luck with that. Cassie's, how should I put this, difficult."
"She'd never say yes man," Payne directs towards Gibbs, "She's too busy watching romance movies and arguing with West to go out with you."
"Don't say arguing like that, we are arguing. Because we don't agree. On anything. She's difficult," I groan from my seat in Gibbs' car, wishing I was anywhere but here.
"All the arguing would stop if you guys boned. Scientifically proven to end all arguments," Payne calls out.
"Oh yeah," Coleman taunts in response, "Is that how you end your fights on the ice?"
"No, but it is how I end fights with your mom," he responds.
Children. I am surrounded by children, but I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous of a comeback that was. Brandon Payne is known for a lot of things, but his way with words is not one of them.
On Wednesday night, I tell all the guys that I won't pass to them if they say or do anything weird while Cassie's there. They're all conveniently in their rooms when she arrives, actually listening to me for what feels like the first time.
"Where is everyone," she asks as she walks in and takes her jacket off, "I swear there's usually a hoard of hockey people everywhere you go."
"It's a Wednesday, they're probably studying for once," I respond, half expecting the guys to pop out at any minute and embarrass me.
"You say that as if you've ever actually studied," she replies, rolling her eyes as she sits down on the couch as if she owns the place.
"I've studied a time or two, I'm not going to deny it though, school isn't a priority for me."
"This class though," she responds, "this class better be. I need this grade."
"I know, I know," I reply, waving her off, "Why do you think I'm watching all these awful movies with you?"
"Because you just love the company," she mutters sarcastically.
I don't know how to respond to that, I have no idea how I feel about her, joke or no joke, so instead I ask, "What's tonight's movie?"
"One of my all-time favorites, so you better not hate it, 10 things I hate about you."
"That's a romance," I ask, "It has hate in the title."
"It's kind of enemies to lovers," she says then pauses, "I assume you're familiar with the trope."
I roll my eyes, not dignifying her with a response, and then pull up the movie online. I then have to choose where to sit. Do I sit on the opposite end of the couch like we've been doing, or do I sit right next to her like the other night? I sure as hell wasn't going to watch the movie in my room after that moment we shared, but now I was completely overthinking the couch thing and probably looked stupid for how long I'd been standing there.
Eventually, I settle on sitting in between the two, I'm not directly next to her, but I'm closer than usual. That's got to count for something. I try to pay better attention to this one since she said it was one of her favorites, and while it's not what I'd consider good, it's got Heath Ledger and you've got to love that guy.
After the scene where he serenades her with the marching band, I can't help but ask, "You find this romantic?"
"What," she asks, "the way he just sang to her?"
"Yeah."
"That's like my favorite part," she exclaims.
"No way, in real life a guy does that it's totally lame, not hot at all," I say defiantly.
She laughs, "If I saw any guy do that, he'd immediately become more attractive. He put himself out there, for her."
"You so would not," I call out in response, "You'd be so embarrassed if a guy started singing to you like that."
"Would not," she responds, crossing her arms and turning to look at me."
"Would too."
"Would. Not."
Then, for some stupid reason, I stand up and begin to sing, very terribly and very loudly, "I Love you baby and if it's quite all right," I'm cut off by all three of my roommates opening their doors, and coming to check out why I'm singing.
Cassie tosses a pillow at me while laughing, but I can't help but notice the flush on her face. She's definitely embarrassed of me right now, meaning I was right and she was wrong.
"What the hell is going on out here," Gibbs asked glancing between us.
"Your captain's trying to serenade me, he thinks I'd get embarrassed."
"Hold on," I say, "not like that. It's. It's in the movie. And second, you so are embarrassed, you're bright red right now."
"I'm so not. If anyone's embarrassed it should be you," she responds, "You look ridiculous right now."
"I'll go on then, maybe even get some backup," I reply grinning at her and looking back towards the guys who all look like that's the absolute last thing they'd ever want to do.
"Oh god no, please just stop. I think my ears might actually bleed if you keep singing," she calls out burying her face in the remaining pillow on our couch, the other still being by my feet from her throwing it at me.
"See," I respond, "In real life that is so not romantic. None of the shit they do in those movies is."
"Fine, I'll give you that that scene isn't romantic, but there are plenty of things in these movies that actually are romantic."
"Name one," I challenge, moving to sit back down on the couch by her, the guys glance between her and me as if they're watching some sort of tennis match.
"When Harry Met Sally when Harry comes back and professes his love for her."
"Lame," I respond, "He was in love with her for years if he'd just realized it sooner he could've avoided all the pain. Not romantic."
"The second proposal in Pride and Prejudice."
"Also lame he should've just done it right the first time."
"That defeats the point of the movie," she shoots back, her face getting dangerously close to mine.
"The point of the movie is that man and woman hate each other and then fall in love. That's the point of half of these movies, and that's so far from how love actually works."
"And how would you know how love actually works," she shoots at me, coldly.
"And how would you," I shoot back, just as crass. At this point, we're practically yelling at one another, and my roommates are all gone, having fled back to their respective rooms when we began shouting ages ago.
"Look," she says, more softly, as if she realized we weren't getting anywhere, "let's just agree neither of us are experts on love. I mean I practically let it destroy me, and you. Well I don't know, have you ever even been in love," she asks.
I'm silent for a second, unsure of what exactly to say, "Once," I practically whisper, "In high school. It was, well. It wasn't all it's hyped up to be."
"Is that why you're so cynical," she asks, "One bad experience and you're ready to write off all of love."
"That's not what I'm saying and you don't know what happened," I respond, dryly.
"Then tell me, what happened," she asks, "Why are you so anti-love and anti-all things romantic?"
I have absolutely no idea how we got here, and why we're fighting over this, it's so stupid, but I guess that's me and Cassie. Fighting over stupid things, then suddenly not fighting, then we'll probably start arguing again. A never-ending cycle I both enjoy and despise.
I don't know what compelled me to tell her, I didn't talk about Audrey often, and most of my teammates didn't even really know what happened besides a bad breakup, but I told Cassie everything.
I'd met Audrey in English class, sophomore year. We'd started talking, and then I'd asked her to homecoming three weeks later. After that, we were the perfect couple. The star of the hockey team, and captain of the girls' volleyball team. We thought we were the ultimate power couple.
She went to all of our hockey games and cheered the loudest for me, and my best friend at the time, Jake. He and I were inseparable, and he'd usually keep me company at her volleyball games.
We dated through senior year, back then I thought we'd be together forever. When she'd gotten a volleyball scholarship to a school in Texas, I'd been so excited for her. It was a division one program and I knew she'd crush it. We'd talked about doing distance, and knew it'd be hard, but I was positive if we tried we could make it.
When I'd gotten the official offer to play for Seaport, I'd been so excited that I rushed over to her house to tell her. I'd never dropped by unannounced before. Her younger brother let me in and said she was in her room. I'd walked in, not even thinking, and found her with Jake. Naked.
I'd been shocked, my best friend and my girlfriend of almost three years, together. It didn't make sense to me. Then they told me everything, how they hadn't meant for it to happen at first, and it was just when I was away at all the hockey training camps and they'd hang out over the summer. They'd been sneaking around, behind my back for almost two years. Two years.
The two people I trusted the most in my life, who I went to for everything, they'd snuck around and lied to me for years. Every romantic gesture I'd done for her suddenly felt meaningless, everything she'd done for me, now felt like it'd been done out of guilt. I was crushed, and the next three games we had were some of the worst of my life. Jake and I had been powerful on the same line before, and that connection was completely ruined.
Jake ended up quitting the team, I didn't ask him to, but once word got out, he wasn't exactly popular among the guys. I was our captain, and you just didn't do that to one of your teammates. After that, my game improved, but I decided to never let something like that get in the way of the game again. I hadn't been in a serious relationship since.
Where once I'd been so happy and in love, and doing as many cheesy things as possible for someone I thought was my girl, now all I saw were the lies and deception and pain from it all. I didn't ever want to hurt like that again. I'd lost two of the most important people in my life that day, and never got those relationships back.
I still followed both of them on Instagram, they'd ended up going to college together, and as far as I knew were still together. At least we all ended up where we wanted, it still hurt though when I thought about it. I thought she and I would be forever, hell I thought if we'd gotten married Jake would've been the best man at our wedding.
Now, other than the occasional hook-up or fling, I didn't date, I didn't do romantic gestures, and I sure as hell didn't do deep conversations with girls, at least until now.
"That fucking sucks," Cassie says when I finish telling my story, "That really fucking sucks, but you realize that not all romantic gestures are motivated by cheating and deceit right?"
"That's," I start to ask, flabbergasted, "that's your response?"
"Oh boo, who," Cassie says, "I feel sorry for you, I do, but that was high school and we're about to graduate college. And you're just letting them win. They cheat and get a happily ever after and you're what, going to be alone forever because of it?"
"No," I respond, "I'm just not interested in dating."
"Bullshit," she responds, "Girls around campus talk, and you Hayden are a common topic. You always end things the second they start to feel remotely real, that's what everyone says."
"Oh because you're friends with so many of the girls I've hooked up with," I respond, defensively, trying not to think about how real what she's saying is.
"No, but I'm not the complete hermit you make me out to be," she says, "I'm not saying you have to meet your soulmate, we're in college for god's sake, but you can't just swear off dating after one bad experience."
"What about you," I counter.
She goes silent, "This isn't about me."
"No, I think it is," I respond, "You're not dating anyone either, why? Because you're still so hung up on that guy you broke up with."
"I am not," she replies once again crossing her arms.
"Oh yeah," I ask, "then why the hell did you get drunk on your two-year anniversary?"
"It's a different situation entirely," she responds, standing up, "You wouldn't understand."
"Then enlighten me," I say back, standing up and gently grabbing her arm to keep her from walking away.
"I already told you," she says, her voice uneven, "that love destroyed me.:
She's silent for a moment, and I think that's all she's going to say, and then, "When I was with Steven, I wasn't myself. He loved the idea of me, but not who I actually was. And I loved him. So I changed. I don't think I even realized I was doing it, changing for him. Until I was this close," she held up her fingers, mere centimeters apart, "I was this close to dropping out. I was going to drop out of college and give up on all of my dreams to be with him. And If my friends hadn't slapped some sense into me, I think I would've."
"Cassie, I," I say completely unsure of what to say, She'd said the breakup had been bad, but I hadn't realized. She was going to drop out for some guy? The girl who was so intense about school, who had a whiteboard full of all the grad schools she was going to apply to? She was about to drop out.
"So yeah," she says, "I don't date. And don't think it's because I'm broken, I'm not broken. He didn't break me. I just don't want to be in a position where I have to choose my dreams or my relationship ever again."
"You never should've been in that position in the first place," I say softly, noticing the tears in her eyes, and the way her whole body is shaking. Without thinking, I pull her in close and wrap my arms around her. Knowing there's nothing else I can do, and I let her relax into me as she cries.