"Unrequited love does not die; it's only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded. For some unfortunates, it turns bitter and mean, and those who come after, pay the price for the hurt done by the one who came before."
- -
Sloan
A few months prior to his death, I caught my father reading in his study one afternoon. I quickly became curious, as I was for all things in print.
I was thirteen at the time, dabbling with writing my own creations- he found that endearing and was quite supportive. When he died, my inspiration dissipated.
He showed me the cover, he was reading "Miss Brill" by Katherine Mansfield.
Almost the entire story takes place on a bench, as Miss Brill sits and observes what's happening around her, with an amount of curiosity that I think characterizes me very well.
I was too young to appreciate the brilliance of the short story, when my dad introduced me to it. A few years later, after his death, I was going through some boxes from the move and came across a crumbled piece of paper below some heavy books.
I picked it up and straightened it, realizing with a trembling heart what it was.
Upon reading it again, after having gained a significant amount of experiences, I was instilled with a sense of awe and excitement. Mansfield' writing is so beautiful and so heartbreaking, no wonder Miss Brill is considered a literary archetype.
/
"Okay, who the fuck is Miss Brill again?" Michael asks drunkenly, making me roll my eyes.
"Maybe dial down the Jag, dipshit." Ally tells him with a shake of her head.
"It's a character from a short story by a Katherine something." Ashton joins in.
"Mansfield." I sigh. "Is no one listening to me?" I jest, taking a few quick sips from my own drink.
"You speak like a thousand words a minute babe." Ally sends a smirk and I roll my eyes again, playing with the cap from Calum's beer bottle.
"I was listening to the whole thing." Mina assures me and I send her a wide grin.
"Thank you." I quip.
"So the story is just her, sitting on a bench the entire time?" Calum asks and I nod.
"We get so deep in her point of view, that we get to see, feel, hear, think, and sense her exact impressions of everything unraveling around her. It's brilliant." I state, but the stares around the table are unamused. "I hate you all, I'm going for a smoke." I jest, earning laughs and playful banter from them.
/
"I have a very important question." Ally states, making the rest of the voices around our booth pipe down. "Is it normal, when you're having sex with someone and they have their eyes shut the entire time? I mean the entire time." she enunciates.
My eyes immediately find Calum, for some peculiar reason. The mention of sex triggered something inside of me. Something that has been simmering in my thoughts for a few days now.
What's even more peculiar, is that his eyes were already on me when I turned.
"Oh good, because this is exactly what's missing from my life. Information on Ally's sex life." Michael groans.
"Ditto." Ashton shakes his head at his sister.
"It's a valid, adult wonderment. I need adult inputs." she shrugs, taking the cherry from her drink and shoving it in her mouth.
"I don't think it's weird." Luke shrugs. "Maybe you enjoy it more when you close your eyes."
"Maybe they're shy." I shrug. "Whoever you're talking about. Maybe they need a while to feel more comfortable."
Ally hums, thinking about it, still not giving us any clues as to who she's referring to.
"Okay okay, very important question: socks. Turn off or not?" Mina asks.
"Definite turn off." Ashton nods.
"I agree." Michael adds.
"Just let people wear their damn socks, Jesus." I shake my head at their selectiveness.
"Oh we get it. Did Calum wear socks?" Ally whispers, but it's purposely loud so everyone can hear. "You don't want him to feel bad?" she goes on and Calum balls up his napkin and throws it to her.
I chuckle and shake my head at her, choosing not to feed her with information she can use on Cal later.
"Talking. Turn off or not?" Ally resumes our little game.
Various answers echo around the group.
"Definite turn-on." Calum says last, his eyes finding mine once again.
God, help me.
"Yeah but what kind of talk? Like dirty talk? Or today I went to the grocery store and bought tomatoes talk?" Luke chuckles as he speaks.
"You mean, you really had today I went to the grocery store and bought tomatoes talk?" Calum teases.
"Yeah, it was awkward as fuck." Luke exclaims.
Calum cackles.
In my mind, Calum's husky voice makes an appearance and I internally scold myself for thinking about something like this right now. Especially with him sitting across from me. He feels my stare on him and returns it, our eyes having a silent conversation of their own. Does he know what I'm thinking about? Can he read it on my face? Why is he looking at me like that?
I clear my throat and avert my attention to Michael who's talking now. "Bondage. Yay or nay?" he challenges.
"Seriously, I'm starting to become really uncomfortable here." Ashton groans, not wanting to hear about his sister's sexual preferences.
"You should leave then." she smirks.
"Or, we can just stop talking about sex." Ashton reasons.
"Why? Don't you want to know what Sloan likes, so you don't do something that turns her off?" Ally jokes and my eyes widen.
This did not need to be made known to the entire group. Ally walking in on us was embarrassing enough. Luke following.
"What?" Michael exclaims loudly putting his gossip face on.
I shake my head and cover my face with my hand.
I'm going to kill Ally.
"Oh yeah, we caught them making out on my couch the other day."
"Oh god." I mumble, digging the pad of my thumb into the bottle cap.
"And no one thought to tell me?" Mina complains. "You're all bad friends." she jokes.
They bicker, as if me and Ashton are not seated right here. I avert my attention to Calum who is sitting quietly, stirring his drink with a small frown on his face that he tries to hide.
Ten minutes later, when the conversation has changed and the group was now talking about plastic surgery, Calum tells us he's going out to smoke.
I contemplate on what to do, and eventually give in to compulsion, and get up from the booth. I grab a cigarette and walk out back, finding Calum sitting cross legged on the bench. Rolling his cigarette, he brings it to his lips but doesn't light it because he sees me at the door. I step outside and sit down next to him, bringing my own cigarette to my lips.
He lights it for me before proceeding to do the same for himself.
"You good?" I wonder.
"Mm."
I nod silently.
"So, you and Ashton?" he speaks up then.
"No." I shake my head. "It was a stupid, drunk, make-out thing. It's not happening again."
"Okay."
I focus on finishing up my cigarette as I entertain myself with the city sounds. A car makes a weird noise, as if finding multiple pot holes on the concrete street. A man yelling, letting people around him know that he is selling his last three lottery tickets for today. A hot dog vendor yelling after someone who left without paying. It's funny how I can picture all of these scenes, but I'm sitting in the back of the building without actual eyes on them.
I lay my eyes on him, waiting for the moment he gives in and meets them.
"Can I ask you something?" he utters.
"Yes."
"I can't ask Luke, without compromising you, so we never talk about your thing, your friendship... What's going on with you two?" he wonders.
"Nothing. We're still good friends. He's with Iris and he's happy. I'm happy he's happy." I shrug.
"What about what Ed said? About Luke being in love with you?"
"He was making that up, to drive a wedge in our friendship." I reminisce and my stomach tumbles.
"Luke said this?"
"Yeah." I nod.
"You believe that?" he prompts.
"You don't?" I raise an eyebrow.
"I don't know." he shrugs, "Do you still like Luke?"
"I don't even know anymore." I suck in my cheeks.
I don't know anything about anything anymore.
Calum nods before going back to smoking. I watch as he brings it to his lips, taking a big drag, downing the smoke and then blowing circles above us.
"Teach me how to do that." I say, stealing his tobacco case and rolling myself a new cigarette from his supply.
"It's the easiest thing, here. Just down some smoke..." he trails. "Then do this with your lips." he shows me.
I try a couple of times without getting a distinct circle out.
"Not so wide." he advises, gently grabbing my chin in his hand and helping me adjust my lips.
A few tries later I manage to get out consecutive distinct circles and laugh out loud in excitement.
He smiles softly at me.
"Calum?" I inquire in a low voice.
"Hm?" he asks as he stares at his hands, readjusting one of his rings.
"Can I kiss you?" I nervously ask of him.
"Since when do you feel the need to ask?" he smiles teasingly, coming closer to me and pulling me in between his legs, that are on either side of the bench.
"I don't know." I shake my head.
"Why do you seem so nervous?" he strokes my cheek.
"I don't know." I repeat. "You look nervous too." I divert.
"I know."
"Why?" I wonder.
"I don't know." he admits and I nod. "It's been a while."
"It has." I confirm.
Almost four months.
"I guess I wasn't sure if you still saw me in that way." I share.
"I do." he nods.
"Okay."
"Do you?" he whispers.
"Yes." I clear my throat as my voice comes out with a small crack. "I think about it sometimes."
"About what?" he inquires, his lips hovering above mine. "About me touching you?"
"Mm." I let out in agreement as his lips attach to my neck.
"What do you think about?" Calum wonders, sending vibrations throughout my body as he speaks against my skin.
"Your hands." I admit.
"What about them?"
"I think about them on me. On my back, around my neck..." I trail, unable to finish my sentence because he starts to kiss me all over, from my neck, to my collar bone, to my jaw, then my mouth.
The familiarity of his taste after four months, makes an explosion of sensations erupt inside me. It feels safe and yet so exciting, that adrenaline is pumping all throughout my body.
I rest my palms on his thighs, feeling as his hands rest on my neck. He doesn't tighten them, he doesn't squeeze, not even a little. He just lays them there, driving me insane. He caresses the spot underneath my ear with his thumb and goosebumps rise on my skin.
He smiles into the kiss, probably having felt them.
"Dick." I mumble and he laughs, pulling away a little, just enough so that he can look into my eyes.
"Do you know you blush so much when you're being teased?" Calum says.
"Do you know I can feel your dick twitch every time I caress your thighs?" I challenge boldly and his eyes darken.
"Fuck." he mutters. "Do you have any idea what you do to me? How you can fuck with my head?"
I bite my lip and suppress a smile.
"Ditto."
We kiss for a while after that, completely forgetting our group of friends inside the bar.
Just me and Calum under the moon, with the sounds of a crazy busy city buzzing around us. It feels familiar. It feels normal, and not complicated. It makes sense, and I just let it.
I let it absorb me.
I let him absorb me.
"Can I take you home?" he mumbles against my lips.
"Alice is there."
"My home." he corrects and I smile.
"Yes please."
A/n: So Sloan and Calum found their way to each other once more. Thoughts?