**Author's note: I'm in the process of changing some names within the story as I update this working draft. Mark will be changed to Maleko or Mal. **
"You could have easily done this by yourself."
Grumbling, I stomped along the sidewalk behind Beth as she led me past the Main Street shops like I was a bitchy little teenager out with her mother.
"Yes," she said simply.
Sighing dramatically, I came to a stop and threw my hands up. "Then why am I here?" A few people passing by gave us wary looks. "And people are looking at me weird."
Beth's melodic giggle filled the space between us. "That's because you're being weird."
I jogged the few steps it took to catch up with her. "No, I mean, people have been staring at me like I'm a goddamned zoo exhibit."
A bell tinkled above us as we entered yet another store. Someone's distant greeting floated up to us, the employee stocking an aisle near the back of the shop.
"Take your time, Sammy! It's just me," Beth called back and meandered over to the front counter.
The scent of a thousand different candles assaulted me as I glanced around. Had I ever been in here? No. I was pretty sure this used to be a video game shop when we were in high school. Riley would come here all the time with Mark. He'd be so disappointed that one of his favorite places was now a frilly beige-toned candle boutique. I leaned over, sniffing a pink one.
Bleh. What scent is that supposed to be?
Whatever it was, I was going to sneeze all over it.
"Beth! So great to see you." Sammy, a short, curvy redhead greeted my best friend with a smile so infectious, it was almost enough to affect me.
Almost.
Because that beautiful smile reversed itself when she caught a glimpse of me lurking near the door.
I knew I looked like a wreck. My usually bright auburn hair was dull and unbrushed. The shadows beneath my green eyes were a dark purple and only deepened as each sleepless night passed. I was pale, even by my fair-skinned standards, and I hadn't stepped outside my house in a week. Riley's old sweatpants, my mom's winter coat, and mismatched boots weren't helping anything.
That's why Beth insisted on dragging me out this morning while she visited every shop and restaurant on Main Street to pass out promo coupons for a fundraiser her cafe was putting on. First and foremost, her reason for trying to get me out of the house was due to her concern for me. I wasn't handling my grief well and being holed up in that house surrounded by my dead family's things was not helping me recover.
Her second reason was because her fundraiser was for me. To cover up her extreme worry about my current state, she said it would help sales when people saw how pitiful I was. Then she promptly forced me from my hideout.
I didn't need the money. My parents had left Riley and me a substantial amount and with the sale of the house, I would have been comfortable for a long time. Even more so now that he was dead and I took his share. Riley's lawyer had also been leaving me like a thousand messages a day so we could review whatever inheritance I was getting from him. I couldn't bring myself to call him back. It made things too final.
"Uh, hi, Regan," Sammy awkwardly gave me a wave. "How're you doing?"
I opened my mouth to answer but Beth cut me off. It was probably for the best since my brutally honest answer would have made this interaction super uncomfortable.
"She's coping," Beth glared at me over her shoulder before turning back to Sammy. "That's actually why we're here."
I went back to sniffing random candles while Beth recited her spiel about the fundraiser. Deep down, her efforts were appreciated. She wanted to take care of me, she'd be doing it her entire life. Without her - well, let's just say I'd probably be in the frozen earth next to the rest of my family.
Beth had just gotten Sammy's agreement to participate when something caught my attention across the street.
Something as in Noah, Mark, and Joshua.
The three of them were exiting the bookstore, Mark the only one carrying a bag. Joshua was laughing at something while the other two shook their heads at him. Joshua had probably been hitting on a girl in there. Or at least flirting shamelessly with one. Or had it been one of the other two?
My gut tightened at the thought.
It had been almost a decade since I'd seen them together and it was pretty surreal that it was happening now. Once upon a time, it had been more unusual that the group of us weren't together. Now the sight of them was triggering my fight or flight response.
My fight option was very quickly winning out. Riley was supposed to be standing there. He was always in the middle, seemingly holding the group together. Even though Noah was the eldest, Riley had been the glue of their friendship, the default leader of the pack. Such different personalities between the three of them and without Riley having a little bit of each of those characteristics, I doubt Mark, Joshua, and Noah would have ever been friends on their own.
Joshua had always been a little reckless and immature. His mother had abandoned him and his dad when he was young and his father worked third shift as a line manager for the local bottling plant. Joshua was left on his own a lot and therefore got bored very easily. He liked to act out, which is what he had been doing that day when he stole my shoes in kindergarten. Yeah, he had been the little dweeb Beth had beaten up. Joshua was actually a super sweet and nice guy, wanting to keep everyone happy all the time and treating everything like a joke. That's what he and Riley had in common. Neither ever took anything too seriously and were quick to make sure people were laughing.
Except when he and I had been alone. We weren't laughing then.
Mark was the serious, quiet - no, the intense - one. They used to call him the nerd of the group because when he wasn't hanging out with us, he'd have his nose in some kind of science book. That's actually how Riley met Mark, they were fighting over a science book in the library and Joshua had intervened. Mark had been about to beat my brother bloody for that book. His temper was notorious around school so most kids stayed away from him. My brother instantly found a new best friend, someone who was also a little bit of a nerd when it came to science and math, excelling at the subjects. And Mark's serious demeanor was a perfect balance with Joshua's carefree one.
Noah was the wildcard in the group. Competitive yet unfailingly loyal, quick to joke but not afraid to get serious when needed. He was a straight-A student who never had to study and would rather be outside playing sports than be stuck with his face in a book. He was a year older, had gone to a different elementary school than all of us, and came from a privileged upbringing. All of our parents did fine, ordinary middle-class successful people. But Noah's parents were loaded. They owned a chain of hardware stores, the original being in our town, and it was his grandparents that had decided to expand and open more locations. In addition to that, his father also owned one of the most successful marketing firms in Boston. We hadn't known quite what to make of him when we all met him.
It was on the first day of kids club soccer. We had been hanging out at one end of the field, Joshua chasing Beth around because even at nine years old, he had a crush on her, and Noah had been further up the field, kicking around the ball by himself. I had seen him and giggled to Beth that I hoped the cute boy was going to be on our team. Joshua heard me and yelled over to him, "Hey you! She thinks you're cute!"
Smiling, Noah kicked the ball over to me and came running after it, Beth giggling like an idiot and I just stood there dumbfounded and staring at him.
"I'm Noah." He had held out his hand to shake mine. "What's your name?"
"Re – reg - Regan," I had stuttered softly. In my nervousness, I had mispronounced my own name, giving it a soft G instead of a hard one. It came out more like Reh-jen so I tried again, slowly. "I mean, Ree -gan. My name is Regan."
"How about I just call you Reggie?" He looked around and the rest of the group. "We should be on the same team."
"I'm Riley," my brother had spoken up, frowning at Noah. "This is my group and I get to say who's on our team."
Noah had shrugged. "Fine. But I'm the best player." He took the ball back from me - I hadn't really had it, it was just resting forgotten at my feet - and before any of us knew what he was doing, he threw it at my brother's face. It had bounced off Riley's forehead, Noah gave it a hit with his head - a header as we would all learn later - on the rebound and before it hit the ground, kicked it into the goal.
Riley and Noah had been inseparable on the soccer field and off ever since. Until the night I came between them all.
Why is he even here? What are any of them doing here? Joshua and Mark had remained friends with my brother, those liars. Over the years, I'd seen them a few times but refused to speak to them. I considered them traitors against Noah. And traitors didn't deserve my acknowledgment.
Even if Noah was the top entry on my betrayer's list. No matter how gorgeous he looked in his black hoodie, jeans, and boots with his dark hair all tousled by the wind and shadow of a beard along his jawline.
He stopped in mid-stride and turned to face me, our eyes locking through the front window of the shop. I didn't realize I had moved from the shadows to watch them walk away down the sidewalk. When Noah stopped, so did the other two, and now all three of them were staring at me. I stared back.
It was when Noah moved to cross the street that I exploded through the door and charged right after him. A few cars honked their displeasure at me for cutting them off. I barely heard them.
"Reggie," Noah began, eyes widening as I stalked toward him, heedless of the cars.
"What are you doing here?" I yelled and shoved him with everything I had. He stumbled back and Joshua reached out a hand to steady him.
Mark also stepped up, holding a hand out toward me and placing himself between me and my target.
"Maybe we shouldn't do this here," he warned, brown eyes behind his glasses scanning the sidewalk.
People were staring. Good for them.
I pushed Mark's hand out of my face and went after Noah again, punching him in the arm and trying to connect with his jaw. He leaned away, keeping his face just out of my reach.
"Why?" I shouted at him, with so much of the anger and frustration that I had been holding in since the last time saw him. He gave me no answer, only a stern look, his jaw clenching as if he wanted to say something but was keeping silent. That just made me even madder, my fists beating against his chest. Eventually, he caught my wrists in his grip and pulled me against him, forcing me into a hug that I didn't want yet desperately needed. I was still yelling and putting up a fight until tears started falling again. Giving up, I collapsed against him and he placed a hand on my head, smoothing my hair back as he whispered something in my ear to soothe me. I buried my face in his chest, sobbing.
Mark and Joshua went quiet, watching us as we stood wrapped up in each other. Beth's voice barely registered as she joined them, panting from chasing me across the street.
"What's going on?" she demanded. If Mark or Joshua answered, I failed to hear them.
Noah continued to hold me, his warmth seeping around my body as I clung to him. God, he smelled amazing. And his body was so solid, so firm beneath my cheek, his heart beating steadily. My palms found their way to his chest, the soft cotton of his sweatshirt leaving little to my imagination of what was beneath it.
What the hell is wrong with me?
"Let it out, Reggie. Just let it out." His lips skimmed over my scalp as he whispered to me.
I tensed at the sound of my old nickname.
Noah felt me stiffen, trying to adjust his arms around me before I broke free. He was too late. My palm came up and connected harshly against his cheek, the stinging feeling almost pleasurable. Beth grabbed at my arms and yanked me away from him as he just stood there, staring at me, looking neither surprised nor upset.
"Fuck you, Noah!" I shrieked. "You don't get to call me that! You don't get to come back here after all these years and act like nothing happened!"
Noah glanced back at Mark who was shaking his head at him and trying to pull him away from me and the scene I was creating. Instead of letting himself get forced away, he resisted Mark's attempts and stepped even closer to me.
"Noah, not now." Joshua stepped in front of him and began pushing him back.
"No, Joshua, I want to hear his excuses! I want to know why after everything that happened, he decided to show up now."
Beth stopped fighting me as if she was just as interested in hearing what Noah had to say for himself. Joshua and Mark were acting as if there was something he wasn't telling me and that right now wouldn't be the ideal time to share it. I didn't care. I marched toward him again, ignoring Joshua as he blocked my path. I continued yelling over his shoulder at Noah.
"You had to wait for him to die first, is that it? Make sure the threat was gone before you came running back here?"
"Goddammit Regan!" Noah shouted at me, finally showing some emotion. Dodging Mark and pushing Joshua out of the way, he strode right up to me. "I swore to him I wouldn't! Not until -"
"What do you mean you swore? Pretty sure he was the one who swore he'd kill you if you ever came back. And I guess you believed him."
We were face to face again, inches apart, our breath fogging the space between us. I clenched my fists at my sides, tempted to swing at him again. The anger felt good, so much better than the overwhelming sadness that had suffocated me the last few days.
Noah narrowed his eyes as if remembering how it felt to have Riley beating him bloody. "You don't know everything."
"I know enough."
"Which is nothing."
I wanted to knock him on his arrogant ass. "Enlighten me then."
Before he could say another word, Joshua and Mark each took an arm and pulled him away from me, his eyes never leaving my face. I watched him through my tears, refusing to look away even as Beth tried to get me to turn from him. He shrugged off Mark and Joshua and strode back toward me. It was as if an invisible force was drawing us together like magnets.
"I promised him," he whispered.
"You promised me, Noah," I whispered back, my words and voice cracking on a sob. "You promised you'd come back for me."
He snapped his mouth shut, finally allowing himself to be pulled away from me. I watched, fighting the urge to run after him to yell at him, hit him, hug him, kiss him – too many feelings were pulsing through me to make any sense – and I couldn't tear my eyes away from him until he disappeared into the driver's side of a black SUV.
"We should go," Beth suggested quietly.
Nodding in agreement, I followed her to her car and let her deposit me into the front passenger side seat. Beth remained silent as she got in and flipped the heat up as high as it would go. We sat not saying anything to each other and I couldn't stop my eyes from finding Noah's SUV, still sitting there down the street. Was he watching me, too? She sighed as she saw me looking in that direction and waited until he finally drove off before saying anything.
"This is a really stupid question but are you okay?"
"No," my tears fell freely again. "No Beth, I am so not okay."
She put the car in drive as I hunched over in my seat, my face hidden in my hands as I cried. Cried for my brother. But, whether or not I wanted to admit it, I was crying for Noah, too.