"You can't keep running off when you're upset, kid." Ballister puffed, hands on his knees as he regained his breath.
The morning air was as bitter as the day before, raising goosebumps along any bare skin that the icy breeze could graze, adding shivers to the already shaking form of the teen sitting ahead of him, her frame half hidden by the trodden down grass in the field she occupied alone.
The closer he got, the more apparent her condition was, and Ballister couldn't help but sigh as the fabric of her clothes clung soggily to her body.
"I can do what I want." The distant reply came, the sentence barely complete via the interruption of chattering teeth.
"You're gonna get sick."
Nimona scoffed, his concern brushing over her like water of a ducks back.
It wasn't that she couldn't find shelter. She just didn't care enough to try, and by enabling her own reckless carelessness, she found herself sitting and hugging her knees in an unused crop field, the muddy puddles surrounding her being the only company she wanted in that moment, the only physical sensation being the harsh bite of the after-storm cold that numbed almost everything else within her.
The squelch of Ballisters' footsteps sent an uncomfy grimace down her spine, but she refrained from any reaction, whether physical or verbal, more due to her exhaustion than self control
Her eyes remained locked on the treeline that marked the edge of the field as she felt the man take a seat in the wet dirt beside her.
"So, this ones new. Why here?" He asked, his own eyes locked on the same line of trees. Nimona shrugged. "Just happenstance then. I presumed it might have been a hiding spot of sorts."
"Anywhere is a hiding spot when you're a monster." She countered, chest contorting uncomfortably at her own words, turning her head away from him and resting her cheek atop her grazed knees in a feeble attempt to hide herself from his sickening over-caring gaze.
"Suppose that's why you're not actually hidden then." He replied, leaning back and resting his weight on his left hand.
She laughed with fake amusement, dismissing his attempt at consolidation entirely. "No need to pretend, boss. I know what I am, after all." She didn't need to see him to feel the tension that overtook his body, an understandable and deserved response to the memory they shared.
"That's not why you're out here right now, though, is it?" He prodded in a tone so calm it only frustrated the teen further.
"Sorry, boss. Didn't realise I needed permission to leave the lair." She retorted, turning to him with an unimpressed glare.
"You don't usually." He confirmed, biting back the urge to bite back. "But we both know that this isn't 'just going out', Nimona. You could have gotten hurt." The concern coating his tongue was genuine, but that didn't stop the girl from scoffing loudly.
Guilt wasn't a common emotion for Nimona to have to fight off, but it was making its presence known, and she wasn't pleased by its arrival, the twisting that turned in her chest and stomach only made worse by the damned feeling. What made it worse was the fact that it was her own actions that resulted in it in the first place.
"Who cares!?"
"I do." His voice was soft with a sincerity that Nimona refused to believe was there, and she huffed in defiance.
"That's laughable." She grumbled and resorted to her previous position. "We made a deal. That's the only reason I'm still allowed to be here."
"You know that's not true." He frowned, admittedly hurt by her conclusion.
She laughed sharply, the noise making him flinch with surprise. "As if anybody would give a shit about me. The only reason you pretend to is because of your 'truth and honour' bullshit."
"That's not true at all, Nimona. Where is this all coming from?"
Honestly? She wasn't even sure herself.
This whole cascade of unwanted thoughts spiralled from one single reminder that now made its way to every single insecurity she had ever harboured until she was drowning in them, unable to reach the surface for a single fucking breath.
"Does it matter?" She barked back, a sick feeling bubbling in the pit of her stomach. "I don't care, so you shouldn't either. Just go home."
"You clearly do care." Ballister countered, leaning forward as the ache in his left arm became too much.
Nimona groaned, unable to contain her agitation at all the interrogating. "Fuck, boss, are you seriously that dense?" Her head snapped towards him, eyes glossy but the dam not yet broken. "You don't have to keep pretending you care! You don't have to pretend you want me here, I'm not stupid!"
Ballister blinked at her, his calm demeanour somehow unwavering during her outburst. "Who said that?"
It was Nimonas' turn to blink at him, taken aback by the question. "I... what?" She stammered, defensive rage replaced with annoyed confusion.
Ballister crossed his legs, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling of the wet mud that tried to keep them in place. "Who convinced you that I'm pretending." He asked again, only for the teen to gape at him, unsure of how to answer the question. "Because if I was pretending, I don't think I'd care enough to be trekking through the woods throughout the night in search of you to make sure you're safe and okay." He finished.
Nimona let her legs fall, the effort to hold them to her chest suddenly too much to bear. "Does it matter?" She murmured, slouching forward to eye her boots instead.
"Yes, it does."
"Why?"
"I need to know who's putting these thoughts in your head." He clarified. "I just want a word with them, I swear." He said, raising his hand in jovial innocence.
"Wha- Nobody is putting anything in my head! I just -" She stammered, pausing before she said too much because who cared? None of it mattered! She'd spent years dealing with this on her own. Why would now be any different? "It's just what happens."
She could imagine the softening of his gaze, and it only made her want to disappear more, feeling uncomfortably foreign to her. "Just because somebody made you feel that way before doesn't mean everybody you meet will be the same."
"You did."
The sentence pierced through Ballister like bullets, shattering his heart like glass at the realisation of her words. He knew they had things to work through, and he had things to make up for, but hearing it in this situation hit him harder than he'd expected.
"You did exactly what they did." Her voice was no more than a whisper, trembling with the bottled pain she'd been holding onto as her throat tightened in protest, begging her to just stop talking before it got worse. "Then he did it to you."
Ballister hesitated, finger tapping his knee as he tried to understand. "I... who did -"
"Fucking Ambrosius!" She choked, eyes dangerously close to overflowing as her fists connected with the damp dirt beside her. "He lifted that sword and held it straight at you like you were nothing. I could see her so clearly in him, I almost thought I was back there... but this time, it wasn't just me, and I wasn't alone. It was us, and I had your back like you claimed to have mine." She wiped her eyes angrily, exasperation flooding in from all angles. "When I finally thought you understood, you went straight back to him, and he turned you against me. And you believed him. Despite everything we'd been through, you took his side and did exactly what she did." Her words weren't spoken, but instead forced through the soreness in her throat that accompanied the agony she relived through the memories she recited, still wiping away any tears that dare try to cross her eyelids, too stubborn to allow their company.
"Nimona, I'm... I'm so sorry." Eyes welling with guilt, he reached out his hand only for the teen to flinch away, recoiling from his touch.
"Yeah, I know." She sighed, pulling her legs back towards her. "But like I said, it's just what happens. There's no point in trying to believe otherwise."
The silence hung heavy like an anchor between them, the only noise being the awakening of nature in the surrounding distance. It was so quiet Nimona was sure she could hear the cogs turning in Ballisters mind, busy finding the words to say that would make this end, she was sure.
Part of her wanted to hear him out, longing for his words to bring her some form of relief from the relentless thorns of her mind that tore at any and every sense of belonging she could find, leaving her open and vulnerable to the vicious talons of betrayel that haunted her every waking moment like it's life depended on it.
And yet, a larger part of her wanted to run, taking her far away from the inevitable pain that each relationship she had would inflict upon her, forcing her to walk the rest of her life with the burden she had provided herself by getting close to literally anyone.
She didn't know how long it had been before either of them spoke, but his voice startled her slightly when he did.
"Is that why you don't want to meet him?"
His question wasn't really what she'd anticipated, but she nodded nonetheless, eyes fixed on a beetle that fumbled its way across the terrain before them. It would only take a second for her to join it, carelessly wandering through the blades of grass without the burden of human emotions. Yet, Nimona stayed put.
"Do you trust me?"
That question threw her more than the last, sending her into a thoughtful silence as she considered her answer carefully.
Trust was such a fragile thing that she would be surprised if hers was still recognizable, let alone still existant. What did it even feel like, really? The only experiences she could recall were the backstabbings that followed - her soul penetrated by the loose shards that remained in the possession of those she last believed in. Nothing positive came with trust, and every person she gifted it to proved that by throwing it back in her face, the only remnants of safety being the broken pieces left in her hands.
So why did she fall for it every time?
Why did she long to have it, despite knowing the outcome?
Nimona shrugged, unable to find the words that wouldn't add salt to the wounds she'd already opened. She was so cold, and yet she felt as though her insides were on fire.
"Whatever your answer is, it's okay." Ballister reassured gently.
Nimona swallowed nervously, her heart clenching at the idea of confessing something that seemed so hurtful. "I don't... I don't know..." She stammered.
Ballister nodded, the anger she expected to be there somehow non-existent. "That's understandable. I hurt you, and I need to earn back that trust if it's something you're willing to give out again."
"I want to, I just... "
"It's scary, I know. And that's okay!"
"I'm not scared!" She snarled, eyes sharp with defiance.
"Of course you're not," Ballister smiled softly, hand reaching carefully to scoop up the beetle she had not long ago been watching. "But it would be okay if you were."
"I'm not scared, I'm just..." She paused, swallowing the sick feeling that rose within her oesophagus. "I'm a lot of things..."
"That you are, kid."
"You wanted to know if I was her monster..." Her voice was quiet, giving away the uncertainty she felt toward her sudden decision to bring up the sensitive topic of her past. "I'm not her monster, boss." She continued. "I mean, I am to those who said I was, but I wasn't. Not really. I thought I was her friend." Knees pulled tightly to her chest, Nimona sat in an uncomfortable silence, unsure of how to explain further without herself fall apart. "She was supposed to be my friend too..."
"There's no pressure to talk about it, Nim." Ballister reassured carefully.
"I should've never shifted in front of her village..."
"I should have just stayed away from humans. I should've learnt from..."
Ballister said nothing, only watching her with intrigue as she cut herself off.
"We were close, me and Gloreth... we were so close. Maybe not as close as I felt we were, but she was my friend." She inhaled a shaky breath, squeezing her eyes shut in frustration. Why did her body have to react so pathetically? It was a long time ago! "I had tried to hide away in schools of fish, packs of wolves, flocks of birds, herds of deer... none of them wanted me, but Gloreth didn't even bat an eye." Her lips curved into a sad smile, as she recalled the memory, eyes tracing the invisible forms before her as she spoke. "We played every day, slept in the woods - we even star gazed! It was fun. It felt safe. It felt like home. The last thing we played was called 'hunters' or something silly like that. It was stupid, and her sword was too small to hurt me, but it was fun while it lasted. Then, her parents pulled her away from me."
"Why did they do that?"
"I was a bear." She chuckled lightly. "It made sense they'd be concerned, so I shifted back. I thought, if Gloreth can see me shift and accept me, why couldn't they? I mean, they raised her after all, ya know?" Her face only harboured the sadness she truly felt within, and it refused to be contained like she continued to try so hard to do.
"They stabbed at me with everything they had, and I couldn't get away! I didn't want to hurt anybody, I just needed to get out, anywhere but where I was, but I swear I didn't want to hurt anyone! I didn't - "
"Hey, hey, it's okay." Ballister reached out his hand, palm facing the sky in offering, in an attempt to soothe the broken teen beside him.
"They threw a torch at me, and it fucking hurt, but I still didn't want to hurt them. It lit up a stack of hay bales, but it was an accident!"
So, that's how the village burned down.
"Everybody ran to safety, leaving me there on my own. I didn't mind that, not really, I could finally breathe again. But when I saw Gloreth waiting there, I really thought it was going to be alright. I thought she was there to help me - "
"Nimona..."
"But then she picked up that stupid wooden sword we'd been using to play and pointed it at me. Straight at my damn chest, telling me to 'go back to the shadows'... the shadows of which she pulled me from!" Her voice was fiery, burning with the flames of a centuries' worth of pain and betrayel. "So I did." Her eyes shimmered with tears.
"You didn't deserve that, Nimona. Nobody deserves that."
The teen scoffed, wiping her eyes quickly as if her tears had scolded her. "I clearly did. It's happened so many times since that it has to be something wrong on my end. I..."
Ballisters' brows furrowed, and he shifted onto his knees to face her, beetle long forgotten, shuffling back into the grass. "You might be a chaotic shapeshifter that craves a life of madness, but there is nothing wrong with you, Nimona." The teen shuffled uncomfortably under his gaze, the positivity of his attention something she still had yet to get used to. "You are amazing, sometimes a little deranged, loyal, caring, selfless, and kind kid, okay? You deserve nothing but the best in your life, whether it be now or a century ago. I'm sorry that so many people were so ignorant that it resulted in your suffering, but you have nothing but my undying care, support, and friendship now, okay?"
Wide, pink eyes met brown ones full of empathy as Ballister spoke to her softly.
"I may have broken your trust before, but if you are willing to work with me, then I am determined to earn it back. You were there for me through one of the worst times of my life, and though I can't be there to the same extreme, I am here to help you through the pain and hurt you have been fighting alone for so long."
Nimona couldn't bring herself to speak as her vision blurred involuntarily, her throat tightening alongside it.
Ballister sat with silent reserve as he watched the girl gather her own thoughts, more than likely trying to string them together like a rushed ornament. Her eyes flicked from his own to the trees behind them, and back again as her mouth opened and closed in a failed attempt to speak her mind, before her faced scrunched and sobs wracked her smaller frame wildly.
Without a word, Ballister opened his arms invitingly, the offer of a hug only there for a millisecond before she crashed into him, desperate for any form of comfort he could provide her, knocking him backwards and onto his back.
For longer than she cared to admit, they remained in an embrace as she cried, arms holding her tight while rough finger tips ran circles along her upper arm, and his chin rested sternly against the crown of her head. Her muscles ached with the tension of her crying, yet she couldn't bring herself to quieten, so she held tighter onto his torso, letting herself truly go and releasing her pent-up years of loneliness.
"I'm here, Nim. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I promise."
"Promise, promise?" Her voice was croaky, fragile, but her words were clear as day.
Ballister smiled softly, squeezing her tightly. "I promise, promise." He swore into her hair. Whether it was the gentle, fatherly kiss to the same spot or the words he'd spoken that caused her to start crying over again, he was unsure, but what Ballister did know was she was never going to be alone again.
Not on his watch.
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Whelp, another day, another angsty chapter.
Apologies for the slow updates, I've been in the process of moving house for the last month and a half, so it's been a tad chaotic recently!
However, I am planning on working on this story more often again now that we are getting settled.
Hopefully, ya'll enjoy this chapter a little.
Thanks for reading!
See ya next chapter :)
Adrien
(He/They)
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