❝ mi, i think about you. i do, and you know i do. i just... can't. ❞
today — in twenty minutes to be exact — cynthia, evan and i are going to a party. so my 'young' friend, as i like to jokingly call her, and i are getting ready. i apply lipstick, while she ties her hair into a high ponytail.
it's a shame elladora and regulus can't come with us, but they're both busy with schoolwork. already. i can't believe it, but they are. elladora is studying in the library and regulus is sitting in the common room, writing an essay.
shortly after, we meet evan in the common room, where he is talking to my best friend, until cynthia and i join them.
"you look lovely, mimi," regulus tells me kindly. "so do you, cynthia."
evan pats him good-naturedly on the shoulder, "she's mine, reg. you got your girl."
i chuckle at his protectiveness and intertwine my arm with cynthia's.
"thank you, reggie." i say and cynthia thanks him at the same time.
"well, time to go! you're sure you don't want to join us?" evan asks regulus again, but he still shakes his head.
that's a shame. he would be fun to be around, but i understand he wants to prioritise his school work. or maybe he just wants to avoid his brother.
i can still feel his eyes on me when our trio leaves the room.
sirius told me earlier this week that the room is located on the seventh floor in the left corridor, so that is where the three of us are going right now. cynthia and evan are not really fond of going to a party hosted by the marauders and truthfully neither am i, but it's tradition to host a 'back to school party' and this year the gryffindors happen to host it. last year it was the hufflepuffs — believe me that was fun.
"i never noticed a room here before." remarks evan in confusion.
i scoff lightheartedly, "and you call yourself observant."
i have never noticed a room here either, but why should he know that?
before he can retort something, i open the wooden door and gasp in amazement upon seeing the room from the inside.
the room — no, the hall — is much bigger than i expected. there is a bar counter, a huge dance floor with alternating black and white checks on the floor, and a turntable — that's a thing muggles play music on, as sirius taught me. the room shines in purple, blue and red lights and flickers again and again. there is a garland of lights and in one corner there are several sofas where students smoke and talk.
most of my slytherin classmates haven't shown up, as they rarely do, but there are a few people here. mostly the ones who simply want to drink and dance — or the ones who have friends in other houses.
a couple of ravenclaws are here as well, but the majority are hufflepuff and gryffindor students. not that this surprises me. hufflepuffs have a lot of friends usually, and gryffindors will use any excuse to drink.
cynthia and i follow evan towards the bar, but i know i'll be the only one to drink tonight. cynthia is too young, which is just an excuse. she just doesn't want to drink and i respect that. evan loves to drink, however he promised cynthia if she wouldn't drink he wouldn't either. they're adorable truly.
they won't stop me though. i'm not planning on getting drunk, but i haven't had something to drink in a while, so i gladly take a cup filled with fire whiskey.
"look," cynthia points to the dance floor. "even xenophilius lovegood is dancing."
evan laughs at him, which i understand, but i frown nonetheless. yes, xenophilius lovegood is a madman, he has weird theories and his dancing is off-putting somehow. he's twirling around and hitting the air above his head with his hands, not even on beat, but he's having fun and that is nice to see. besides i don't like how mean evan can get, because that is just not him.
cynthia thinks similarly, as she scolds him for it and pretty much repeats my thoughts. evan mutters a half-hearted apology in return.
as i take another sip from my fire whiskey, i look around once more. it doesn't take long for me to find sirius and his friends. pettigrew wistfully watches bunch of girls dance, lupin is in charge of the music it seems, potter is talking animatedly with sirius, who nods along and remarks things here and there.
"i want to dance," cynthia announces to us and i place my — now empty — cup down. "are you coming?"
evan is less than thrilled but follows after us anyway, since cynthia and i didn't wait for his reply. we had just begun walking over to the dance floor.
i don't know the song that is playing right now, but i dance to it nonetheless.
if there's one thing i love about muggles it's their music. i actually prefer muggle music over music from my kind, but i'd never admit it out loud, except when i'm talking to sirius. he introduced me to this type of music and i've been fascinated ever since.
the song that begins playing now has even the rest of my slytherin classmates dancing, for 'you should be dancing' is a good argument. i am pretty sure it is a bee gee's song.
i stay close to evan and cynthia, but let them have their couple moment. i do not mind the fact that i'm dancing alone. it's fun either way.
i sway my hips to the beat of the music and move my hands in a similar way that muggle actor in the film 'saturday night fever' did. sirius took me to watch it a few months ago, because he thought i'd like it. i did. the film is an absolute success in the none-pureblood wizarding world, but muggles can't see it until december, which is a shame for them.
i can already sense trouble when sirius and potter walk over to evan and cynthia, who are currently dancing together.
it's hard to make out what potter is shouting over the music, but as soon as he does, people around the quartet make way. cynthia looks confused, while evan has an expression of utter loathing on his face
that is all it takes for sirius and potter to copy the dance moves that my friends used a moment before.
this is apparently the dance battle that potter wanted so badly. i can't help but smile in amusement, but i do feel bad on my friends' behalf. they just wanted to dance and have fun, but the marauders are ruining that.
i still sway to the beat of the song and move my hands in circles, but i watch the dance battle with caution.
it doesn't surprise that evan is about to throw punches at sirius and potter, but cynthia manages to drag him off the dance floor and towards the door. i start to follow them, but the people laughing heartily at what just happened all start dancing again, blocking my way.
after finally weaving my way through the crowd, i see that cynthia and evan have left, but i don't feel like leaving yet. i now stand to the side, near the door, watching the dancing students.
a few moments later someone joins my side.
"great," i remark ironically. "none of my friends are here now."
"i am." sirius tells me with a gentle smile.
his cheeks are flushed from the heat in the room and of course from his wild dancing. his oval face is framed by his black hair, which, unlike his brother's, is straight. it's pressed to his head due to sweat, but despite all of this he is still the most handsome guy in the room.
"you don't really count as my friend though, do you?"
i don't know where that wave of confidence came from, but as soon as it came it vanishes again and i quickly turn my head to avoid his gaze.
"i don't?" there's something different about his voice. he often has a flirtatious tone, but this is something else. still seductive though. he carefully grabs my chin with his index finger and thumb and turns it so i'm looking at him. "what do i count as then?"
i swallow thickly.
well, if not now, when then?
"someone who owes me a kiss."
i'm satisfied to see the surprise on his face. his grey eyes widen and his smile slackens. he certainly didn't expect me to flirt with him. now i can just hope he'll take a hint and kiss me. i've been waiting years for this and now i'm too far past the point of worrying whether he likes me back or not.
he says nothing and i worry that our friendship is now ruined, but then he nods for good. i'm even more nervous now, but apparently so is he.
there are fear, worry, uncertainty in his gaze, but something else is there, too. something so intense that my breath catches in my throat.
he leans down to meet my lips with his, painfully slow, but when he does, i feel a flurry of butterflies in my stomach. his kiss is so gentle and so tender. it's not what i had imagined, but it's wonderful and real.
i lift my hand to brush a strand of his hair out of my eye and place it behind his ear as he gently pulls away from me.
"come on, let's dance, jae-bae!" he yells over the music abruptly.
i cannot lie i happen to be a bit disappointed. i hoped to kiss him some more, but it's fine. we'll have enough time for that later. dancing is going to be fun too, so i agree and allow him to drag me over to the dance floor.
i'm surprised when he pulls me past potter and evans, who are, for once, not arguing.
"love is in the air." i giggle, ignoring sirius' frown. he probably doesn't want potter to get his feelings hurt.
the song that begins to play is one of my favorites. voulez-vous by abba is quite popular with the other students as well, because once again most people rush to the dance floor.
i try to stick to the movements of girls like lily evans as she manages to look elegant, although this style of dancing would definitely not be appreciated at pureblood balls.
"they're doing a dance circle!" sirius yells to me, the music drowning out most of his words.
when i gesture to him that i didn't understand a word, he simply grabs my hand and pulls me into the middle of the dance floor. students from all four houses are now standing in a circle, holding hands and spinning counterclockwise. in the middle of the circle is a girl, i think her name is mckinnon, but i'm not quite sure. she seems to enjoy the attention though, twirling around, swinging her hips and running her hands through her silky blonde hair.
this is such a cool experience honestly.
as the song begins to fade away, indicating that another song is about to start, sirius twirls me around. a gleeful laugh escapes my lips and i beam, when i brush my hair out of my face. it's hot in here.
sirius and i walk over to the door, so i assume he wants to take a break and breathe in some fresh air. once we leave the hall i stand on my tiptoes about to kiss him again when he takes a sudden step back.
okay... ouch.
sirius looks troubled, a frown on his face, "mi, i think about you. i do, and you know i do. i just... can't."
"what?"
i don't understand. what does he mean he can't? can't what? reciprocate my feelings? not play with my feelings? how can he kiss me and dance with me and then just say no? throw me away like a piece of parchment?
"i think it's better if you go back to your common room." is all he says and it takes everything in me not to let the tears slip from my eyes.
i can't even say anything. my lip is quivering and i take a deep breath to keep it together, while sirius reopens the door and the sound of laughter and music blasts through the silent corridor. as soon as i hear the door close behind him however, i break down into tears.
i'm glad once i'm finally in the comfort of my empty common room. its peaceful and quiet atmosphere is exactly what i need right now. the greenish tinge of light from the lake, the tapestries featuring the adventures of famous medieval slytherins, like merlin, even the skull on the wooden table helps calm me down. it's home.
but this is not all i need right now.
i sneak up the stairs to the fifth year boys' dormitory and knock softly. i don't want to wake anyone up, but i do need reggie in this moment. it's a shame when no one opens the door.
taking out my wand, i point it at the lock and quietly mutter, "alohomora."
i quietly slip into the room, moving over to the bed closest to the window, since i know that one belongs to regulus.
he looks so peaceful asleep. it's as if all of his worries have disappeared. i missed this look on his face. no, i can't wake him now. i put my wand back and start to leave when i hear him moving.
"what are you doing here?" he asks cautiously, before his eyes adjust to the darkness and he recognizes me. "wait, mi, what happened? have you been crying?"
this is all i need to fall apart again. i nod and start crying again, while he jumps up and hastily throws some t-shirt over his naked upper body.
he leads me down the stairs into the common room, rubbing my back softly. we sit down next to the fire place onto a sofa.
"mi, i need you to tell me what happened." regulus tells me again after i've calmed down enough to speak.
tears still stream down my face and i do still breathe heavily, but i begin to tell him everything that happened today at the party. from the ridiculous dance battle to the kiss with sirius and his reaction to it.
he didn't interrupt me once, but his expression went from bemused to dark with each of the events and finally he clenches his jaw.
"let me get this straight," he begins in a controlled voice. "you drank alcohol, danced with my brother and kissed him in a room full of people?"
i wince at his words, "pretty much."
"and then he kicked you out?"
i nod silently, sniffling pathetically. merlin, i can't believe i was stupid enough to put regulus and i into this situation. i just don't understand why sirius would kiss me and then proceed to reject me. it would've been better if he just rejected me without getting my hopes up.
"but i don't think anyone saw us kiss. it wasn't in the middle of the room or something, but people saw us dance probably. i didn't pay much attention to it. i also made sure no one saw me crying."
it's not much, but it makes it better that i tried to limit the damage.
"i'm gonna kill him." regulus mutters, causing me to yelp.
"what? no! reggie, it's fine. i'm at fault here," i don't even know how it's possible to have tears left after all of this, but i begin to cry again. "i'm so sorry. i was so stupid. i didn't even think about how this would affect you."
he pulls me into a hug and whispers comforting words into my ear. i can't help but breathe his scent in. he smells like eucalyptus oil, sandalwood and somehow black currant. it's a clean, piquant smell. it's nice.
"aren't you mad at me?" i whisper, afraid that he might say he is. i know i'd deserve it though.
"i'm furious, mi. but you need me right now, so that has to wait." he exclaims and i can't help but hug him tighter, burying my face in the crook of his neck.
"do you think someone saw?" i ask. now that my head is clearer again i feel worried as well as sick. "do you think i'm going to be disowned?"
"for a drunken mistake?" regulus questions, pulling away from me with great difficulty. i don't want to let him go, but i do so in the end.
i can't lie to him.
"i may have drunken, but i wanted to kiss him."
he sighs, "merlin, mi, i know. but if someone saw you kiss then this is the excuse we'll use."
"okay, i-" the words are stuck in my throat. "i just... don't want to hurt you, but i do like him. i have liked him for years and i thought tonight he might..."
"might pay you attention?" regulus asks bluntly, which somehow torments me even worse than if he had asked tauntingly.
my lip quivers, but i refuse to shed another tear tonight.
"he's just another wizard, mi. you need to stop putting him on this pedestal. i know you admire him and i understand that. he's brave, funny, charming and talented with seemingly everything he tries, but you are much too wonderful to be one those girls that run after him."
he's referring to sirius' little fan club. a bunch of girls that are in love with him and spend all day trying to catch his attention. i always believed them to be rather pathetic.
but regulus is right, isn't he? i am one of those girls. i used to make fun of them. merlin, what happened to me? i'm like sirius' little lap dog.
"merlin, how did i become this way?" i wonder, shocked at this realization. "i would do anything for him, like some hopeless idiot."
regulus watches me attentively, while we sit in silence for a few more minutes. i'm still processing just how much i care for sirius and how much i've been idolising him.
"he does care about you greatly, you know?" regulus says. "i can't pretend like i know what goes on in that small brain of his, but i know he cares about you. otherwise he wouldn't have argued with me about your future. as if any of us could decide it."
"but why did he kiss me and then..."
"i don't know, mi. don't drive yourself crazy with that. you need to get some sleep."
he's right. i'm so tired i'm practically falling asleep where i'm sitting right now.
"can i come upstairs and cuddle with you?" i ask him. "please?"
he looks unhappy as he rejects my question, but he doesn't back down when i ask again.
"i'm not cuddling with you, mimi," regulus says firmly. "your feelings are all over the place, you just kissed my brother at a party and there's still fire whiskey in your system."
quietly he adds a "and in your breath" and i'm not quite sure if he wanted me to hear it. i pretend i didn't, but i'm terribly embarrassed.
he presses a chaste kiss to my cheek, then walks back into his dorm. i follow his example, but i'm too tired to change out of my clothes. i just fall onto my bed and fall asleep as soon as my head hits my pillow.
back to school party, 7th september 1977.