You had woken up on the couch and Ivy was pouring herself some coffee.
"Hey, Ivy." You rubbed your eyes.
"Don't talk to me before I've had my coffee."
"Oh, you're one of those people." You roll your eyes and put on your black leather jacket. "Hey, where's Harley at?."
"She went to Russia to rob some sort of bomb or whatever she said, all I know is it's on a train."
"When do you think she'll be back?." You asked.
As if right on cue, Harley opened the door to Ivy's apartment, covered in mud and sticks.
"I need a fucking crew." Harley sighed.
"No, you need a shower." Ivy sipped her coffee.
Harley went into the bathroom and took a shower, getting all the mud off of her outfit and body before coming out, wrapped around in a red towel.
"So, you didn't get the warhead?." Ivy asked.
"No. Joker stole it 'cause he had a crew." Harley leaned back. "Like all real supervillains."
"I mean, I get by just fine on my own. So..." Ivy smiled as a bunch of vines poured her coffee, and gave her cookies and a shoulder massage.
"Your independence is quite inspiring," Frank smirked.
"Oh, can it, Frank."
"I love you, Ivy." Frank quickly said.
"I get around fine by myself as well Harley, only difference is, I don't go around trying to steal weapons that can start world war three, I kill people for money...and I'm very fucking good at doing it too." He smiled.
"Okay, we get it, you like to think you have a big dick." Harley rolled her eyes at you and then looked at Ivy. "You know, Ive, I could have really used your help out there." Harley looked at her friend.
"Honestly, I really think that crews are over-rated," Ivy said. "You know, it's like, some very successful supervillains work alone." She looked at the TV. "Like look at this guy. Look at Dr. Psycho. Perfect example."
You all watched the TV and saw Dr. Psycho fighting Wonder Woman.
"Doesn't have a crew, yet still taking on Wonder Woman. Like a champ." Ivy sipped her coffee again.
"Or a dumbass." You smirked watching the battle on the screen.
Psycho was throwing cars at Wonder Woman with his telekinesis powers, and Wonder Woman used her shield to block all of the things thrown at her.
"Still too scared to fight me with your own hands, Psycho?." Wonder Woman smirked.
"What a grand idea!." Psycho smiled, using his powers he made two giant hands start choking Wonder Woman, As she was choking he was laughing.
"I'm sorry. What's that?." he grinned. "You really want your last words to be..." he then mimicked her choking sounds.
Wonder Woman was able to fight out of it, clunking her bracelets together which sent the hands back at Pyscho, launching him into a street light.
"That really hurt, you C***!." He screamed, then everyone gasped, doves froze in place, a dog stopped pissing on a fire hydrant and the entire globe stopped spinning.
"Holy shit..." Ivy said.
"PFFT HAHAHA!." You laughed.
"Well, see! If he had a crew, they would've told him to use the B word instead. And if I had one I'd use that warhead to blackmail Gotham into naming a highway after me." Harley smiled.
"Huh, a highway, alright, well, you know, that took a weird turn."
"Why not an interstate?." you asked. "or a culdesac, or even a parking lot?."
"Because highways are cool." Harley got up, looking at you. "You know what, I'm going to find myself a crew, right now!." she stormed out of the apartment.
"...How long until she realizes that she's in nothing but a bathrobe?." You asked, Harley came back and grabbed her red and black top and bottoms and went into the bathroom to change before quickly leaving now dressed in her new look, baseball bat in hand.
"Where's she going?." Ivy asked you.
"Don't know, relax, I'll keep an eye on her." you say following Harley.
Timeskip...
You had followed Harley to a bar where she was trying to recruit people to join her crew, very unsuccessfully.
"Assholes!." Harley shouted as everyone ran out of the bar, She sat down and grabbed a drink, someone was sitting next to her.
"No. No. No. No. Before you open your female trap, no way in hell I'm working for you." Dr. Psycho said taking a sip of his drink.
"Who asked ya?." Harley sighed. "Can you believe C*** guy's rejecting me?." She said to the bartender as she was handed a drink.
"Well, ma'am, I don't know anything about that. I'm just a simple farm boy from Oklahoma. I got two parents, three girls, four boys, two lab mixes, both uncut on a small ranch just outside of Muskogee." The bartender wearing a cowboy hat said.
"What's your problem, weirdo?." Harley asked.
"Why, Ms...I don't have no problem, because I am actually..." The bartender spun around so fast he turned into clay which turned into a clay man.
"Jeez." Harley said, wiping clay off her face.
"Good, fuckin' God." Dr. Psycho wiped the clay off his arm.
"The name is Clayface. Thespian extraordinaire recently portrayed the juicy role of country boy bartending in the big city." He smiled.
"I thought you were playing the role of "literal piece of shit." Psycho sipped his drink.
"Not yet." Clayface spun around and morphed into Dr. Psycho. "Now I'm a literal piece of shit."
"Okay." Psycho leaped over the counter and tackled himself, starting to punch Clayface. "Is it Clayface or Fuckface!?."
You walked into the bar and tapped Harley on the shoulder. "How's the recruiting business coming along Harls?."
"Not very well." She groaned, looking down at her empty glass.
"Don't worry, you'll find someone who'll join you." You patted her back, then you saw someone sitting at the opposite end of the bar, You pulled out your phone and looked at the photo provided to you by an email, you walked over to the patron in the bar and quickly broke their neck, you pulled out a knife and cut off their head, examining it. "Yup, that's the right guy, looks like it's payday for me."
Harley looked up at you amazed that you were able to do that so fast and effortlessly.
"What the hell?..."
"Well, see ya Harley." You hopped over the bar counter, grabbed a bottle of (favorite alcoholic beverage), and walked out of the bar with the target's head.
"Wait!." Harley ran out of the bar and leaped in front of you with her gymnastic abilities. "Y/n, wait up a second, that was badass!."
"Thank you, I'm a trained assassin for a reason."
"Which is why I need someone like you on my crew-"
"Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah...woah....woah..." You put the hand holding the head out in front of her. "Sorry Harley...I work alone, I'm an assassin, a hitman, a mercenary, I don't do crews."
"But-but-but-but-but-but-" Harley stuttered looking sad and hopeless. "We're friends, Come on, with our skills, we can be unstoppable."
"Harley, I don't do teams." You said, trying to walk around her, however, she wasn't budging.
"Please!." She looked into your eyes, looking even more sad.
"No Harley." you said, getting a little pissed.
"Pleaseeeeeee." Harley started begging. "Please, please, please, please, pleaseeeee."
"Harley..." you spoke trying not to shout at her.
"I'll do anything, come on, I'll help you kill someone-"
"I'm an assassin-"
"I'll help you rob a bank-"
"I don't rob banks-"
"I'll have sex with you-"
"I don't want H. P. V."
"PLEASE, I'LL DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!." Harley wrapped her arms around your legs, she was on the point of tears. "I JUST WANT A CREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!."
"Harley..." you said but she began crying, still holding onto your legs. "I have to deliver the head to my client..." Harley kept her arms firmly around your legs, crying louder, you looked up at the sky and sighed. "Why oh why was I given this life?." You look back down at Harley and pat her on the head.
"Fine Harley, I'll join your crew." Hearing you say this made her stop crying instantly and she sprang up to her feet, looking very happy all of a sudden. "You will, you really will!?."
"Yes...just promise me, you will never do that again." You gave her a stern look.
"I promise." She nodded. "...you uh wanna, you know, go behind the bar counter and uh..." She sheepishly smiled.
"Harley..." you looked shocked but saw her about to cry once again. "Fine, for fucks sake, just enough with the waterworks, okay?."
She quickly wrapped her arms around you, making you drop both the head and bottle of booze. "You're the best, "Headhunter", Come on, let's get freaky!." She smiled and walked into the bar holding your hand before looking at you. "Oh, by the way, you're the bottom."
Timeskip...what?...were you expecting a lemon?...oh you were?....well...uh...so, who's your favorite Harley Quinn character?....oh you still want that lemon?... Okay, here's a lemon 🍋
Harley, in desperate need to find more members for her crew, went to a seminar, unfortunately, she dragged both you and Ivy along.
"I am Maxie Zeus!." A Greek-like figure appeared in the lights. "And tonight, I "max" your dreams come true.
"This guy is such a douche." Ivy groaned.
"I'm sorry, but none of the charming villains with great personalities were holding seminars today."
"Joker, Riddler, Two-Face, what do they have that you don't?." Maxie asked the crowd.
"A penis?." Ivy blurted out, which made you laugh out loud.
"A crew!!!." Maxie shouted. "A villain goes it alone, but a supervillain needs henchmen. When I robbed the 1996 Olympics..." the crowd began applauding. "Oh thank you very much, just lovely. Fun times." he thanked the crowd. "My crew helped me steal those medals and now I literally sleep on a pile of gold."
"Ivy, you hear that? Sleeps on gold!." Harley nudged Ivy who looked liked
"Honestly, with the amount of coke this guy does, I doubt he's sleeping on anything," Ivy responded.
"So, how does one recruit goons?." Maxie paced on stage. "Through a henchmen agency, or from popular villain-"
Harley raised her hand. "Mr. Zeus, I tried those things and they didn't work."
"You can't let rejection stop you. Think about the big boys. Darkseid. Luthor. Maxie. Are we quitters?." He asked the crowd.
"No!." The crowd shouted.
"Neither are you!." He winked at Harley who smiled, you sharpened one of your knives looking at Maxie.
"Okay, I'm out." Ivy got up.
"I'm going to before this guy makes me slit his throat." You followed Ivy outside.
You walked outside with Ivy, she was rolling her eyes. "Can you believe that guy?."
"He's obviously trying to woo her..." you shook your head.
"So, you are in Harley's crew now?."
"Seems so." You leaned against a street light, taking out a cigarette and lighting it, before Ivy grabbed it and threw it into a trash can.
"Those things are a disease to the environment and your lungs, if I see you with one again, I'm kicking you out of my apartment."
You didn't speak and she rolled her eyes, holding out her hand. "Give me the pack."
"But I just bought it..."
"Give. Me. The. Pack." She said in a firm voice.
"I'm an adult, I can make my own choices-"
"Give me the damn pack!." Ivy tried to swipe it out of your hands, but you moved away from her.
"You aren't my mother, If I want to smoke, I'm going to smoke!."
"Y/n, give me the pack, I'm trying to save your life!."
She reached out to grab it but tripped on her own feet and landed against you, Your lips crashed into hers and you both fell on the sidewalk, her body was on top of yours, You both looked at each other, wide-eyed, before she slowly looked away, but what surprised you was the fact that...she was blushing.
"Well, that happened-"
"Let's just forget about that-" she quickly said.
"Well, what if I don't want to." you smirked.
"....What?..." She slowly looked at you again, her blush was still there.
"...I liked it..."
"You...liked it?..." she asked in disbelief.
"Yeah, it was nice...why are you looking at me like that?...." you realized she was smiling, looking at you with a sort of face that implied she wanted to know more.
"...Ivy...what are you-" you tried to speak but she used a fine to cover your mouth, shutting you up.
"Shut up for once in your life, okay?." She gave you a stern look, you slowly nodded. "Good ...you know, I actually liked the kiss as well...and since you liked it, and I liked it...maybe we can do something else...if you are okay with that?."
You nodded again.
"Good boy..." she smiled and looked around, she took the vine off your mouth and grabbed your hand, taking you back to her apartment.
Timeskip...again...
"Harley I told you this, I work alone." Ivy said.
"Alone-ish" Frank spoke up.
"Don't even get me started right now." Ivy picked up a magazine.
"Come on, Ive." Harley begged. "With your ability to control all plant life on earth, Y/n's assassin skills, and my gymnastics, I mean, there's nothing we all can't do if we team up."
"I said no. I mean, I got a brand. You know?." Ivy looked back at Harley. "It's like adding gymnastics to it, it's a very muddled message."
"Tell her the real reason, you lying motherfucker." Frank spoke with a bit of sass.
Ivy then sighed. "Oh, God, here we go." She then looked at Harley. "All right, so look, there's a glass ceiling for female supervillains, okay? Like, sure, we're tolerated, but as long as we don't get too powerful."
"Aren't you being a little dramatic?-" Harley asked.
"Guess whose naive ass hasn't heard of the Queen of Fables." Frank looked at Harley, still speaking with sass.
"Who the fuck is the Queen of Fables?." You asked coming out of the bathroom in your underwear looking confused.
"Go on, Ivy, tell your story. I'll set the mood."
"Alright, alright, thanks Frank." Ivy nodded and looked at Harley and you as you sat down on the carpet.
"So a long time ago, way back in the '80s. There was this powerful sorceress, right?. She's known as the Queen of Fables. Fed up with being a footnote to the male supervillains, she decided to turn Gotham into an evil forest by using sorcery to pull characters from the pages of storybooks. Until she has a whole army at her command..."
"...What happened to her?..." Harley and you exchanged a look at each other.
"Ask her yourself." Ivy handed Harley a small purple card, She looked at it and got up, walking out of the apartment, You went to follow her but a vine wrapped around you, and Ivy brought you over to the couch. "Not you."
"What?. Why not?." You asked.
"Because, well...I uh..." she slowly looked away from you. "...Fine, I want another round of fun..."
"That can be arranged Pamela-" You smirked before a vine was wrapped around your neck and began choking you.
"Call me that again and I'll turn you into one of my plants, got it?."
"Yes Ivy..." you said, looking into her eyes, She slowly released the vine and kissed you on the lips, You kissed her back and the two of you lay back on the couch and got ready.
Timeskip...
Harley got back and you were laying on the couch in just your underwear, your head was leaned back and you were sweating bullets.
"What happened to you?." She raised an eyebrow.
"It's hot in here, alright?...the damn air conditioner is busted."
Ivy came walking in from the bathroom wearing a shirt that read "Tree Hugger" on it, she looked at Harley and smiled.
"Queen of Fables, pretty fun, right?."
"Ugh, she was pretty bleak. Before I left she was like, "I have to use the bathroom. There, I did it." Did you send me to her because you think I can't do this?."
"No, Harley, I sent you there because I know that you can. Look...I just wanted you to know what you're up against, you know, 'cause I, uh...I love you...Don't make a thing out of it."
They both heard sniffling.
"Anybody feel this shit but me?." Frank asked, sniffling. "A man can't show emotion!."
"A man?." Ivy chuckled.
"Fuck you, Ivy." Frank growled.
"I'm feeling it too," you said, a tear rolling down your cheek, Harley and Ivy both smiled at you.
"Look, I appreciate your warning but what Queen of Fables made me realize is if I want a crew, I shouldn't be looking for scumbags who believe in me, I should be looking for scumbags no one else believes in."
"Right, okay, so, so, so." Ivy stuttered. "That was the lesson from the chain-smocking book and the trick-turning cookie?."
"Yeah, and I know just where to start." Harley turned on the tv, There was a talk show going on with Dr. Pyscho who was sitting down with his wife and son, his wife couldn't even fit fully into the frame of the TV.
"Welcome back, we have here Dr. Psycho." The tv show host says as the crowd boos the tiny villain.
"He says he's here to apologize for using the C word."
"Woman hater!." one person in the audience screamed.
"What?. Hate women?. I cherish them. No one on God's green Earth respects women like this one." He points to himself.
"Bullshit..." you say weakly, exhausted.
"Y/n, are you okay?." Harley looked at you worried.
"I'm fine...I told you, the damn air conditioner is busted."
"Giganta, girl, how you feeling about this?." the woman asked the large wife.
"She is devastated," Pyscho answered. "That the world is attacking a man she knows is so kind, is so loving-"
"Let's hear it in her own words." Tammy looked up at the large giant woman.
"Those are her own words," Psycho said. "I'm a telepath, right?." he chuckled. "She thinks it, I say it. Isn't that right, honey?."
"She was talking to me!." Giganta shouted at her husband who fell off the couch. "An individual person who exists outside of you! A person who, for years you mind controlled...into thinking they loved you."
"Don't do this." Dr. Psycho looked down. "Don't do this!."
"A person who is leaving you!." Giganta walked away, her son following her.
"Why, you get back here, you miserable C***!" Pyscho shouted, again, the crowd gasped, the doves stopped, the dog stopped pissing and the globe stopped spinning once again.
"Holy shit, he just became the least employable person on Earth."
"Exactly." Harley got up and walked away. "Y/n, come on, get your clothes on, we're getting ourselves a crew..."
"...Okay..." you slowly got up and put your gear on, looking over at Ivy. "I don't know how you did it but you were even better the second time." You smiled and followed Harley, Ivy blushed slightly.
Timeskip...
"So, you know, I thought, hey, maybe you should join me and my crew." Harley offered a handshake to Psycho.
"Join you?. I'm in the big leagues, mama." Psycho chuckled. "The L.O.D. The Legion of Doom. Hard Pass!."
That's when the tv in the corner of the bar cut to a speech by Lex Luthor.
"We cannot condone Dr. Psycho's use of the C word. as it does not represent our brand of evil. We hereby banish him from the Legion of Doom, Legion of Doom Europe, and The Junior Doomers of America." Lex Luthor spoke.
"Did I say hard pass?." Psycho looked back at Harley. "I meant soft accept, I wanna join your crew. Not because I think working for a female will help rehabilitate my ruined image, blah, blah, blah. Its for other reasons. I don't hate women!." he slammed his glass down.
"Kinda seems like you do." Harley said.
"Yeah, dude, use the B word instead," you say, finishing your drink
"Whoo-hoo, the salty language that comes outta your mouth, I'm just glad Mama Jean ain't alive to hear it." The cowboy bartender spoke up.
"Even hot southern bartender character thinks you're a piece of shit." Harley smirked. "But I believe in you, and I think you have a part to play."
"Did you say a part?. Then you must require the services of..." The Bartender turned into Clayface. "An actor!."
"You're damn right I do. You, Y/n, me and Pyscho." She pointed to everyone. "This is gonna be the start of something huge."
You all toasted and took a drink.
"So, what's our first evil scheme?. Is it a nuke in a volcano?."
"Evil scheme?. Oh, a honey pot heist where I seduce Gotham's mayor with my saucy Sheila character?."
"Can we just go kill some people?." You asked.
"How do you all feel about petty, personal vendettas?." Harley asked.
Timeskip...
"All right, we're going to steal this asshole's gold medals and anything else we can get our hands on. Like the saying goes-"
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Clayface interrupted.
"Oh, I was going to say "The prick has it coming." But yeah, I like your fancy way better." Harley sprinted up to some bushes, the three of you following behind her.
"Alright, here's the plan. Pyscho, Y/n, and I will go through the back, find his loot, and clean him out. Clayface, you go on the door, pretend to be the mailman to distract him."
"What do we know of this mailman?. What are his dreams? His fears, his raison d'etre?."
"Who gives a shit?. You're just a mailman." Harley groaned
"Brilliant! That's what the world sees. Just a mailman. But we, we know better, don't we?." he chuckled, you looked at Harley and Pyscho with a face that said "are you fucking serious?"
"He was a horribly neglected little boy, and he grew up in a cage! The only time he heard rumblings from the outside world was when the mailman came, which is why he spent his whole life dreaming of being one."
"Yeah, no. None of that. You're just a mailman. Deliver the mail." Harley, You and Pyscho all ran around to the back.
"So, who do you need me to mind control to open the door?." Pyscho smirked.
"No, no, no one. Just squeeze in the crawl space get into the house, and open it from the inside." Harley pointed to the small crawl space with her bat.
"Are you shitting me?. I'm a genius telepath, why are you wasting me on this?."
"You're the only thing small enough to fit."
Pyscho crawled through the crawl space. "Argh, my eyelashed just touched a dead raccoon!."
After he got inside, he opened the door so you and Harley ran inside, heading straight for the top floor, you opened the door and found several statue of Zeus.
"Wow, and I'm the egomaniac." Pyscho glanced around the room.
"Where the fuck does he keep the medals at?." You asked.
"Easy, he said he literally sleeps on a pile of gold." Harley removed the bed and saw a safe.
As the three of walk crept down the stairs, the mailmen was punched by Zeus.
"Who do you work for, monstrosity?." He punched the mailman. "Joker?."
"Oh no he didn't." Harley glared.
"wait, wait, wait, don't emasculate him." Psycho said.
"Riddler?." Zeus punched him again.
"No, no, no, he's about to rally. I can feel it." Psycho said.
"The Penguin?." Zeus punched the mailman yet again, this time, turning him back into Clayface. "Tell me who you work for, creature, or the next blow will be a killing one."
"He works for me, you oily bitch!." Harley shouted.
"Well if it isn't the girl I chose not to have sex with. Regrettably, you're too late I'm afraid." Zeus pulled one of his giant statues off and was about to smush Clayface with it.
Pyscho moved him out the way and Harley leaped in front of him. "You said no woman could ever get a crew of bad guys. Well, I didn't just get bad guys, I got three of the fuckin' worst."
"You call that a crew?. A midget, a mudslide and some random human off the street." He laughed.
You pulled out a blade and a pistol, aimed right a Maxie.
"I'll give you one chance to tell the world Harley Quinn's crew ain't nothing to fuck with." Harley said
"Or what?."
Harley snapped her fingers and Pyscho used his powers to send several statues at zeus, he dodged the first three but two smooshed him together while the last one was dropped on him four times, you cut him several times with the knife and began laying in rights and lefts into his temple, shooting him in both kneecaps
"Fine. I'll say it!." Zeus held his knees and tried getting back up.
"Oh, I know you will." Harley hit Zeus with the bat, knocking him out of his palace
"Home run!." You smirked.
Timeskip...
You, Harley and Ivy were watching the news and the reporter was outside the palace of Zeus.
"Mr. Zeus can you tell us what happened here?." the reporter held the microphone up to his face, he was laying on one of the giant statues of himself, right between the legs.
"All I can say is, Harley Quinn's crew ain't nothing to fuck with." Maxie groaned as he spoke into the microphone.
"Holy shit Harls, you did it!." Ivy smiled at her friend who leaned back on the couch.
"Hell yeah I did, everyone did great, even Y/n."
"Fuck you..." You took a swig of the bottle of the alcohol you previously took from the bar.
"Oh yeah, did you collect the money for the assassin job?."
"Yup, made some money off it, but I'm glad we got the medals."
"Yea, I know some gold medals aren't as cool as a shiny warhead-" Ivy patted Harley's shoulder.
"Oh I got the warhead, I traded the medals for it and blackmailed the city like I said-" she smiled before the news cut to a different report
"This just in we are pursuing a high-speed chase on the newly renamed Harley Quinn parkway." The news reporter said.
"Holy shit," Ivy said. "Totally worth it."
"Right?." Harley smiled at her friend, happily. "So, what's our next robbery?." she looked over at you.
"I need some fucking sleep...Ivy-I mean-the fight we had with Zeus really tired me out today..." You walked into the closet and shut the door.
"Why did he say your name?." Harley raised an eyebrow at Ivy who looked away.
"Well...you see..." She started to explain before you screamed and leaped out of the closet, covered in bites and scratches.
"Why are their man-eating plants in your fucking closet!." You look at Ivy.
"I didn't have any place to put them, also, do you sleep in the closet?." Ivy looked over at you.
"Yeah, because sleeping on the couch hurts my back, and I'm not sleeping in the bathroom with Frank."
"Aww come on, it could be fun-" Frank leaned on your shoulder
"I will rip your eyes out, plant!." you threatened.
"Well...you can sleep with me....if you want...." Ivy looked away and blushed but covered her face with a magazine.
"Great..." you walked into the bathroom and screamed, running out of the bathroom quickly and slamming the door shut behind you, you were covered in even more bites and scratches.
"Oh yeah, there's-" Ivy began to speak.
"Man-eating plants in your bathtub...yea...I know...thanks for the heads up." You sarcastically say.