(3239 words)
September 26th 2011
'Hi, I'm here to see Doctor Myers.' You told the woman at reception.
'Ah yes, Agent Y/l/n is it?' The lady asked. You nodded in response. 'She'll be out in one moment.'
'Okay.' You replied, turning towards the seats and looking around. 'I don't suppose you have a bin in here do you?'
'Uh, well there's one in the bathroom.' The lady replied. 'Management got us to remove the ones in here so that we could keep the room smelling fresh.' She rolled her eyes, giving you the impression she wasn't best pleased that she had to take a trip to the loo every time she wanted to throw a coffee cup away.
'Got it.' You replied, walking towards the toilets.
You pushed the door open and walked towards the other end of the room. You took a quick glance at the label on the fruit pot and worked out how many calories were in the third of a pot you'd eaten.
That's not too bad.
When you heard a toilet flush behind you, you pressed your foot onto the pedal of the bin and tossed the food.
'I'm assuming you've heard from Moira about our bin ban in the waiting room, then?' A voice asked from behind you.
You turned around as Myers was walking out of a cubicle towards the sink.
'Ah, yeah.' You replied, smiling. 'Seems a little daft to me.'
Myers nodded, before looking down at her hands as she washed them.
'It's good to see you, Y/n.' She said.
'Yeah, you too.' You replied. 'I'll be in the waiting room.'
You crossed the room and pulled open the door as you heard the hand dryers start behind you.
You'd only just got sat down before Myers called you into her office.
'How are you doing today?' She asked.
'I'm good thanks, yourself?' You asked back.
'Yeah...' Myers looked at you suspiciously, 'I'm good.'
You sat down on the chair, crossing one leg over the other and wrapping your arms around yourself.
'What happened yesterday?' Myers asked as she got settled too.
'I'm sorry for missing our appointment.' You said anxiously. 'I just wasn't in the mood.'
Tell a little bit of the truth so they don't expect it all.
'How come?' She asked, tilting her head slightly.
'It's just... you know, I'm not used to talking about my feelings much.' You told her. 'Once a week is bearable, but I guess I wasn't ready for two days in a row.'
'But you're ready now?' She checked. 'To talk?'
'Uh... yeah.' You replied. 'Hotch wants me to so...'
'So you're not here because you want to be?' She asked.
'No I am...' You corrected yourself. 'I just meant Hotch is the one who actually encouraged me to come.'
Myers took a deep breath in and you suddenly got the impression she wasn't best pleased with you.
'Okay, how about we start with what happened yesterday.' She began.
'Okay, sure.' You nodded. 'Um, I spoke with Hotch, like we discussed. And I have a plan in place to speak to Emily and JJ.'
'A plan?' Myers repeated.
'Yeah. Emily wants to chat tonight and JJ said we'd have a chat at some point too.' You elaborated.
'Okay.' Myers replied bluntly. 'Anything else?'
'Um, I stayed round at Emily's house last night.' You said.
Myers paused, looking at you intently for long enough that it had started to make you feel uncomfortable.
She suddenly closed her notebook and discarded it to the side.
'Agent Y/l/n, I'm going to recommend to Agent Hotchner that he find you a new therapist.' She said.
'What?' You asked, your eyebrows pulled in.
'This clearly isn't working.' She explained.
'What? No, it is.' You rushed to assure her.
'You don't have any intention of opening up to me, do you?' She asked.
Your eyes darted around as you tried to deal with Myers' confrontation and come up with some way to change her mind at the same time.
'I do.' You assured her. 'I have been.'
'No you haven't.' Myers said, standing up from her seat. 'You're intent on telling me everything but what I'm supposed to be treating you for. I can't help you.'
'Yes you can!' You argued, standing up with her now. 'Please, I need this.'
'No, what you need is a therapist who's happy to clear you for work based on some fragments of information you've worked through with them. You need someone who's in it for the paycheck, and that isn't me.'
'I know it isn't, I don't want that!' You told her.
'Then why can't you be honest with me?' She asked.
'I am being honest!' You argued.
'I'd like you to leave now.' She said, gesturing towards the door.
'No, please.' You begged. 'I'm sorry, I'll open up more.'
'No you won't.' Myers predicted.
'I will!' You demanded. 'Please don't send me to someone else, I need my job!'
'Why were you on the roof yesterday then?' She questioned you.
'Be...because I like to go there to clear my head.' You replied.
'Okay, time to go.' Myers said, walking closer to the door.
'What? It's the truth!' You defended yourself.
'No it isn't!' Myers argued with you. 'Nobody sits on the edge of the roof of a twelve story building to clear their head!'
'I do!' You said.
'You're careless with your life!' Myers continued. 'You put yourself in danger and then act like it's no big deal.'
'I'm not lying, I really was trying to clear my head!' You responded.
'On the roof of a twelve storey building?' Myers reminded you.
'I wasn't going to jump!' You exclaimed. 'I rang Hotch and called him up there with me to talk, is that what a suicidal person would do?'
'Suicidal people don't think straight.' Myers reminded you.
'But that's not me.' You argued. 'Yeah, sure, I was upset, but I wasn't about to throw myself off the roof!'
'Then why were you there?' She asked again.
'To speak to Hotch!' You replied.
'No, that came afterwards.' Myers told you. 'Why did you go there in the first place?'
'To breathe.' You found yourself telling her.
'You could breathe anywhere in the city, why there?' Myers continued to question you.
'Because no one would bother me there.' You answered her.
'Why didn't you want anyone to bother you?' She asked. 'Why'd you turn your phone off so no one could reach you all day?'
'Because I needed space.' You said, frustration growing inside you.
'Space to what?' She asked.
'To be allowed to feel what I was feeling without worrying about who I was hurting in the process.' You explained.
'And what were you feeling?' She asked.
'Just...' you searched the air for the right words, 'exhausted. Depressed, I guess.'
'So you went up to the roof of that building because you were depressed?' Myers summarised.
'Yeah, I guess.' You replied.
'And you didn't once think about jumping?' She checked, already knowing the answer.
You looked at her defeatedly, realising she'd been right all along.
'I didn't jump, though.' You justified yourself.
'But you were going to, weren't you?' Myers asked, her voice softer now.
You looked down at the ground, inhaling sharply as the back of your throat shook.
'Yes.' You replied honestly.
Once the word was out of your mouth and into the air, the whole room went silent for a moment. You didn't dare look up, until you heard Doctor Myers start walking across the room.
You watched as she sat back down in her chair and pulled out her notebook on her lap.
'If you're ready to be honest with me, you can sit back down.' She reasoned with you.
You looked across at your chair, part of you wishing it was an option to run out of the door right now. But you needed to be cleared for work. You were nothing without your job.
You walked back to your seat and sat down in it. You'd expected Myers to start talking, but when she didn't you realised she was waiting for you to elaborate.
'After our session the night before, everything had started to feel impossible.' You began. 'It's like I have this switch inside my head, and when it's pressed, I lose the ability to think rationally.'
'How do you mean?' Myers asked.
'It's like...' you searched for the right words, 'there's this voice inside me that's already made the decision that I'm going to kill myself, and it isn't my voice but I can't stop it, either. I know it's going to happen and there's nothing I can do about it.'
'So what did you do with the rest of your night?' Myers asked, realising she only knew from Hotch about his version of the next day.
'I wrote letters.' You admitted, your truthfulness a tap that Myers had somehow left running.
'Suicide letters?' Myers clarified.
'Yes.' You confirmed. 'To the team.'
'What did you write in them?' She asked.
'That I was sorry.' You explained. 'That it wasn't anybody's fault. But when I got to Emily's I struggled too much with that bit. Her letter took the longest. I spent all night writing about how much I loved her, and how much I hated her, and how much I wished we could have us back, the way we used to be.'
'And once you'd written the letters?' She asked.
'I started to plan how I'd do it.' You continued. 'I wanted to make sure it'd work. That I wouldn't end up as a vegetable in some hospital bed for the rest of my life.'
'What did you decide?' Myers questioned you.
'I figured my gun was my best bet.' You explained. 'But it was at work so I headed there. When I got there, I was walking through the corridor and I heard the team walking towards me from around the corner. I hid in one of the cleaning supply cupboards and that was when I heard Emily, Morgan and JJ talking.'
'So... what, we're just going to leave for this case without Y/n?' Morgan asked.
'I don't think we have a choice if we can't contact them.' JJ replied. 'Time is of the essence with a child abduction.'
'But I don't get it...' Morgan continued. 'Why wouldn't they be here? They seemed in a better mood at the shooting range yesterday.'
'Yeah, I don't know.' JJ said.
'Emily, you're awfully quiet.' Morgan noticed. 'Do you know something?'
'Uh...' Emily stuttered, 'all I know is whatever's going on with them today is my fault.'
'How did you feel after hearing that?' Myers asked.
'Guilty.' You said, flicking your head to the side as you remembered. 'I'd spent the whole night writing a letter to Emily about how bad her leaving had made me feel, but hearing that she felt guilty already was entirely different. It was like I was already gone and for a moment... I got to hear them grieve for me.'
Myers nodded.
'Then what happened?' She asked.
'I knew I didn't want to get my gun straight away anymore.' You continued. 'Because the minute I did, I knew I'd use it. But I didn't feel like I could go home and even though I knew the team were headed to the jet, I didn't want Garcia seeing me or anything.'
'So you went to the roof?' Myers assumed.
'Yeah.' You confirmed. 'It was about giving myself space to think, but I guess there was still that voice in my head telling me the day needed to end with me dying.'
'How long were you up there?' Myers asked.
'All day.' You told her. 'I went over everything in my head. My relationship with Emily from start to finish, how I'd ended up this messed up after she'd left.'
'What made you call Hotch?' She asked.
'I heard the jet land and realised it was my last chance.' You replied.
'Last chance?' Myers repeated.
'To stop myself from jumping.' You clarified. 'It was like my voice finally popped back into my head for a second. And before I knew it, I was calling him.'
'Were you still thinking of jumping when he was with you?' She asked.
'No, not at all.' You assured her. 'It was like all I needed to get myself out of that mindset was for someone I knew to sit with me. Talking to Hotch and seeing the team stood on the ground below me really put me off hurting them like that.'
'I see.' Myers replied. 'You didn't want them to hurt the same way you had?'
'Exactly.' You agreed. 'And then once I'd had that conversation with Hotch, everything felt more... manageable. He apologised, which I hadn't been expecting because I'd run through every possible outcome in my head and decided he was going to be a dick about it.'
'You ended up overthinking it?' Myers checked.
'Yeah, I did.' You agreed. 'But then, it sounds bad, but the team all hugged me afterwards. Told me how I'd worried them. It was like for the first time, I was able to actually see that they cared for me.'
'You hadn't been able to see that before?' Myers asked.
'I guess I just wasn't looking.' You realised, looking down at your hands.
——————
'So how was this morning?' Myers asked as you worked through your feelings chronologically.
'It was nice waking up next to Emily again.' You admitted. 'But I've been keeping her at a distance still. Everybody, actually.'
'How so?' Myers asked.
'I fainted in the shower this morning.' You told her. 'But I told Emily I'd just slipped.'
'You fainted?' Myers repeated, letting you lead the conversation as much as possible.
'Yeah. And earlier she'd asked me how long it had been since I'd eaten, and I couldn't remember.' You explained. 'Genuinely couldn't remember, not just saying that to get her off my back.'
'It had been a long time, though?' Myers checked.
'Yeah, days at least.' You told her. 'It's funny... I stopped eating to distract myself from the grief, and now somehow I distract myself from eating.'
'How long have you struggled with food?' Myers asked.
'Maybe about six months.' You realised.
'And do you feel like now you can talk about it, you're ready to start recovery?' She asked.
'Not really.' You admitted. 'But I know I can't fix my relationships if I'm constantly holding people at arms length to cover up my eating disorder.'
'You're right.' Myers agreed. 'So where do you see it going from here? What would you like to happen in the next few weeks?'
'I don't know.' You thought out loud. 'I feel like I'm ready to talk about it, but I don't know that I'm ready to fix it.'
'That's understandable.' Myers validated you. 'You're ready to let people try and help, but you don't want to make any promises that it'll work?'
'Exactly.' You agreed.
'Have you seen a doctor recently?' She asked.
'No, I haven't been for ages.' You replied.
'How long's ages?' Myers asked. 'Before you started struggling with food or...?'
'Yeah, definitely.' You replied. 'I've been treated by the odd paramedic for case-related injuries, but I haven't seen anyone about my general health since before Emily left.'
'Okay.' Myers replied. 'How would you feel about booking an appointment? Getting your bloods checked, maybe your heart?'
'I don't know...' you said, considering how a doctor might force you into a diet plan.
'I could liase with the doctor,' Myers suggested preemptively, 'tell them not to bring up anything triggering like food, but still give you an idea of any areas of your health that might have been affected by your eating disorder. Nutrients, heart function, things like that.'
'I guess...' You agreed reluctantly, figuring that wouldn't be too bad.
'I don't want to rush you, Y/n,' Myers said, 'but if you're fainting I can't in good conscience clear you for work after these ten weeks unless you get it checked out.'
'I understand.' You said, realising how that could be a problem.
'How are you feeling right now?' She asked, changing the subject.
'Better, I think.' You decided. 'I guess telling someone has taken the weight off a little.'
'Good.' Myers smiled. 'Now, I'm not going to encourage you to make a plan for your week this time. I think we've made a lot of progress today and I don't want to push you anymore.'
You nodded, agreeing that was definitely best.
'I'd also like to go back to seeing you weekly, seen as that seems to be more comfortable for you.' Myers negotiated.
'Thank you.' You replied.
'But if you need me, at all, inbetween, you know where I am and you have my number.' Myers reminded you.
'Yep.' You replied, smiling politely.
'What have you got planned for the rest of your day?' Myers asked.
'Well, Emily wanted to finally talk through everything later, so I'm gonna go home and decide if I feel up for it.' You explained.
'Good idea.' She said. 'And don't beat yourself up if you don't. Just take it all at your own pace from now on.'
'Okay.' You agreed, standing up from your seat as Myers stood to get the door for you.
When you were halfway through the door you stopped and looked back at Doctor Myers.
'Thank you.' You emphasised.
'Take care, Y/n.' Myers said with a warm smile.
I will.
You headed out of the building and onto the busy street where you hailed a taxi and headed home.
'Hey you.' Emily answered the phone to you.
'Hey.' You replied.
'How'd it go?' She asked.
'It was good.' You replied honestly. 'It feels like I got some of the weight off my shoulders.'
'Good.' Emily emphasised. 'I'm so glad.'
You twisted the key in your apartment door and pushed it open.
'Look, I was thinking about what you'd said earlier, and if you're still up for it I was thinking maybe we could have that chat later?' You suggested.
'Yeah, definitely.' Emily agreed. 'That'd be great.'
'How's seven o'clock sound?' You asked.
'That late?' Emily checked. 'Are you busy inbetween?'
You closed your eyes and squinted, realising you'd accidentally suggested a time that meant you could make an excuse about not eating.
'I mean I guess I could do earlier,' you told her, 'I just thought it would give me some time to get sorted here, that's all.'
'No no, that's totally fine by me.' Emily reassured you. 'Just wondered.'
'Okay.' You replied. 'Well, I'll see you later then?'
'Yeah, see you later Y/n.' She replied.
'Bye.' You said, bringing the phone down from your ear and hanging up.
You looked around your apartment, realising you'd let it get a little messy.
Nothing like a good clean to pass the time.
You got to work straight away, figuring you'd act on your motivation whilst you had it.
You tossed your discarded clothes into the washing basket, before putting a load into the washing machine.
You'd dusted and were just running around the apartment with the hoover when you thought you heard your buzzer go.
You switched the hoover off, listening out when you heard it again.
Discarding your hoover, you headed to your door.
'Hello?' You said through the mic.