"What's happening tomorrow?" Alvaryn asks as we begin to dance.
"Your bother has decided he wants to be my friend as well, so tomorrow he is taking me to the kennels." I answer as I try to remember all the steps.
"He actually said he wanted to be friends?"
"Yes, why do you look so surprised?"
"Just he's never had a female friend in his life, he would usually only ever see them for another purpose, but then again I wouldn't expect anything less from my brother."
I don't need to guess at what he means by another purpose. "What do you mean, you wouldn't expect anything less?" I ask instead.
"He knows we are friends now, it only makes sense that he would want to be friends with you as well." He explains.
"Are you both playing a game and I am the toy?" I ask, hurt and anger flaring inside of me.
"No, no, it's not like that. He can just be very competitive, I guess we all can at times. I only mentioned we were friends because he asked me about you and I couldn't lie." He shakes his head, answering quickly.
"So he doesn't truly want to be my friend, he just wants to prove something to you." I ask.
"I'm not sure, it shouldn't change your mind, he wouldn't do anything to hurt you." He insists quickly.
"I didn't entirely trust his intentions to begin with, I suppose it doesn't really matter, he had said he thought we had something in common, which is what you said, I guess only time will tell, for both of you."
He nods, stepping in time with me.
"You weren't at the library today." He says breaking the silence.
"We had an extra lesson to prepare for tonight." I explain.
"And you won't be there tomorrow either."
"No." I couldn't help the short answers, the idea that Alvaryn and Aeris were now competing against each other for me made me angry. Was their interest just a game? I hadn't believed Alvaryn had lied when we had spoken in the library, and while Aeris' intentions were questionable I had believed him just now.
Was I just being naïve?
"Well I hope you enjoy the trip to the kennels." He says as the song comes to an end and we take a step back.
"Thank you." I curtsy as he bows and I turn threading through the crowd wanting to get away from all of the noise and the fae and everything but before I make it more than a few steps I hear my name and stop, forcing a smile on my face I turn to face the Lord Hanniel.
I force my mask into its place and play my part as I am swept around the dance floor over and over, faces blending in to one another, names losing their meaning.
The idea that this would be my life running over and over in my mind. I try to push the thoughts from my head, try to focus on the faces in front of me, smile when he speaks, answer his questions, thank him for his compliments, repeat the steps.
Pretend to be genuine. Was that all everything was? Standing with them, seeing their smiles, hearing their laughs, all of it feeling so far from reality, like a dream stuck on repeat, but that dream was really a nightmare, just a very beautiful nightmare.
Everything glittered with gold. Everything sparkled and shone making it easy to believe it was a dream. It was only this feeling inside me, this darkness hiding within me that helped me hold on to the truth.
The anger that has always been there, always a part of me, I didn't know where it came from, but I knew it was real. Now it was angrier than ever. Like a raging fire it burned. I was better at hiding it now. I had no choice. I couldn't let them see the real me, couldn't let the fire out.
I see Alvaryn dancing with Elodie, her chestnut hair falling down her back in soft curls as they move around the room.
Was it just desperate hope that made me want to trust him? What if I didn't? What if I didn't trust anyone and just continued to play this part, day in, day out, even the stories I read wouldn't be able to help me. I feel like I would slowly disappear. The anger and fire would be all that was left.
I see Aeris with a glass of wine in his hand talking to Demwyn across the room.
Maybe it was just a game to both of them. But maybe, at the end of the day, it didn't really matter. Maybe having someone I could be myself with was worth whatever comes from their game.
What was the alternative? Stuck living this beautiful nightmare, playing this part, losing myself and becoming one of them, something empty, shallow, never truly happy.
I couldn't accept that reality.
I wouldn't accept that reality.