We are surely going to die down here. At least with Commander Hunt I will not have to die alone. There is something about the imminent threat of the end that makes you view a person in a different light.
This morning I woke up in Commander Hunt's arms once again. Last night I felt I was simply freaking out when I mentioned the air was harder to breathe but waking up this morning it was evident. The air in the submarine is thinner as if you get a little less out of every breath. I do not know how much longer we have to survive, but in my opinion this very likely might be my final journal entry. When I go to sleep after writing this, I will be sure to think of Diego and Dad so I can try and picture them one last time as my final dream.
Today did not go at all as I had expected it to go. Granted no one expects to spend a day hanging from a cable in an underwater submarine two miles below the surface of Europa, but if they did expect to be in that situation, they would expect it to be a negative one. I must say, while unexpected, my experience today was not a negative one.
After waking up in Commander Hunt's arms for the second night in a row I somehow found myself kissing the man who I once despised in training camp. I say somehow because I cannot even remember how the moment happened, maybe because it happened so fast or maybe because the air quality in our submarine has become so poor.
What I do know is what started as a soft kiss quickly escalated, as his hand moved down from my face down to my neck and then down to my breast. In the moments that we were together my mind stopped wondering about the imminent doom that surrounded us or all I stood to lose. I was just there with him.
I don't know if it was the looming threat of death or the way our commanding officer looked at me with a lustful stare, I'd never seen from him before, but the sex I had with James Hunt in the small confines of the submersible was the best sex I've ever had. While James was fucking me I was no longer stranded on some moon millions of miles away from home. There was nowhere else I wanted to be then in that submarine pulling his hair as he thrust into me.
If this is the final entry of my journal, then it is a fitting goodbye. My entire journey to this icy rock has been centered around my fascination with life. What better way is there to celebrate life then to perform the very act that brings it into this world.
As I continue to write I become increasingly lightheaded. I am trying to put off sleep as I have a feeling the next time, I shut my eyes will be the final time. I still have so many thoughts in my mind. Memories of all my life adventures have been replaying in my mind. For someone who never made it to fourth I surely lived a full life. I can only hope there is a next life where I can make it up to my son for my absence in this one.
My eyes continue to grow heavy. It is futile to continue to fight the inevitable. I will lie my head down on James's chest and embrace my final dreams. I am truly sorry to my son and my father for breaking my promise.