NESSIE
It's late that night and I am still awake. My besties are all sleeping around me, as they didn't want to leave me alone after what I just found out.
I am pregnant.
There is a baby growing inside me.
We made the couch in the living room big, and although it offered us more space as before, it still feels overcrowded. We're five... six, on a couch that was supposed to be made for three people to sleep on it tops.
I don't hate it though.
I look at the ceiling, questions in my mind. How will I take care of this child? How am I going to earn some money? What will happen with my classes? When do I get to hold my child in my hands? Will she or he love me the way I already know I love them? What would my parents say if they knew? Would they be disappointed? Would they be excited, ready to meet their granddaughter or grandson? What will Adam say when he finds out he will become a father? Will he want this child? Will he ever be a part of their life? Or will he just ghost the two of us, not wanting any part of our family?
Our family...It still feels weird thinking about this.
I don't even know who this guy is. I know nothing rather than his name, age and job. And who his friends are. Although, I might not even know that. Now I am carrying a part of him inside me.
Our child.
I won't tell him. Not yet. I need to sort things out on my own first. Settle things with Mark.
Mark...
I won't tell him either. He doesn't deserve this. It's like I am cheating on him. I'll act like the nice girlfriend and try to hide the baby before he figures it out. Then, I'll tell him about it. Maybe he accepts. And wants to become part of this family. Adam could visit his child whenever he would want. If he would want...I am not keeping him away from his child. But I need to make sure I can provide our baby a safe space to live first.
Although it feels wrong towards Adam...
With a sigh, I take out my phone from where it was charging on the coffee table. I spend some time just reading random reviews from books I want yet know I won't be able to buy. Not anymore. Every single penny goes to this baby from now on. To keeping my child safe.
Adam...
I open my Notes app. I need to let Adam know. I need to tell him. Although I won't tell him to his face. I create a new folder and call it the one name that pops into my head at that late hour: Letters I won't send.
Then I start typing:
Dear Adam,
it feels weird calling you dear. I know nothing about you. I don't know what your favorite color is, where you live or even what your favorite food is. I don't know anything except for the fact you love me. Or loved me. That I don't know.
I also know how you taste.
I hope you're doing fine. I hope I didn't break your heart. I hope you'll find it in yourself to forgive me. Don't do it for me. You don't have to love me. You don't even have to like me.
But I hope that you'll forgive me.
I am carrying your child, Adam. Our child.
I have a part of you growing inside me when I don't even know who the person that part came from is.
Please forgive me. Please love this child. Don't spend any love on me. Give it all to our baby.
Best wishes,
Nessie"