A thousand moments I had taken for granted, mostly because I assumed there would be a thousand more. No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. I will always miss my Jarebear, but there's nothing anyone can do, other than move on. So that's what I had to do.
Jared was... everything. Kind, loving, caring, beautiful, graceful, funny, and Jesus was he hot. He had the most amazing mind, and he never stopped loving me, after everything we went through together. And I hate to say it, he had a bangin' bod. God, I miss his touch. I miss his voice, his love, his kisses. But, I just have to accept that I'll never feel any of that again.
I've been able to truly smile again. I'm still a wreck, but being away from everything really helped. I'm starting classes next week for mourning widows, since I'm a widow now, which is sad to say. Spending alone time with my baby has also been a lot of help!
Jareds mom called me to show me how to set up a proper shrine for Jared, and it'll be in my room. It's called a Tamaya, it had a mini Torii, and she sent me one in a package. It's made out of a really pretty wood. She told me to decorate it with flowers and I did. There was much more to it, but it mainly involved some amazing pictures of him. I love him so much, Jared is so pretty. I know I'm here to heal, but that doesn't mean I have to forget about him. I'd rather die than forget about my Jarebear. I love him more than anything.
I will admit, I've sat at the shrine and cried for an hour straight once. Although Jared wasn't really religious, his family believes in Shintō, and he told me he kinda is too. It's just a very spiritual religion, and I wanted to honor him with it. Sitting there though, I felt his presence. I felt like he was there with me as I was sobbing. It was actually kind of nice. The necklace I have with the diamond made out of his ashes...I would always clench it with my hand as I cried, but, soon, my tears dried and I could be happy again.
We left to pick up Nabi the next day, and he brought his oldest kid! She is 5 years old and she can only speak German, and a little English. Rowan was asleep the whole time in the car seat, but not gonna lie, the second I saw Nabi walk out of the airport, I got out of the car to hug him.
"How are you?" He asked me.
"Better." I replied as I finally stopped hugging.
"I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I'm happy we can be here. I've been wanting to spend time with you for a while now." He told me with a smile.
"I'm happy you're here. I hope you come every now and then now that I'm only an hour and a half plane ride away!" I told him. I hugged him again. And then I went to hug my niece! She is the sweetest girl! She is a huge fan of me, that's for a fact. She would ask to play my songs in the car, she's a total rock star. Although she saw me at my dads wedding, she is still completely obsessed with me, and I'm perfectly fine with that! She wanted me to be around her 24/7 even though we can barely communicate! She has beautiful eggplant colored hair. Her hair was long and it went down to her waist. Her and I took selfies in the back seat and I sent them to my dad, who was happy to see them!
"Onkle Karma! Do watch Bluey?" She asked me. Her name is Heidi by the way!
"Heidi, I have 2 little kids! Of course I do!" I told her. She laughed and then continued to try to communicate with me.
We got back to the house, and Nabi bonded with Rowan. He has grown into such a mature person. I was sitting with him in the living room that night...
"Remember when I beat the shit out of you?" I asked him. He laughed.
"Fun day." He replied.
"Aw, you still have the scar on your eyebrow and lip!" I said, staring at the scars as he smiled. I absolutely hope this doesn't sound weird, but he is a very good looking guy and he always has been. Nabi was just filled with anxiety and depression, and he always would look down on himself! The moments him and I would get along, I'd pump him up. He has our moms bright blue eyes and her long eyelashes, and her hair! He is one pretty boy. Even though he is in the military, he don't look tough, that's a fact.
"Can I admit something to you?" Nabi asked me.
"Please do." I replied.
"When we were teens and I'd be gone all night and I told everyone I was just at Mickeys house? I was telling the truth. But, I was also getting a lot of girls." He admitted to me.
"You were fucking girls that whole damn time!" I exclaimed.
"Yes sir! Mickeys living condition was sad! His parents never came home. Maybe once a month. They'd send him money for food and stuff but that's it! So he would always have girls over." Nabi explained.
"Man, and I thought I was the whore." I replied with a laugh.
"Yeah, I'm not proud of it. I lost my virginity at 14 and never stopped until I was 16. Some of the girls were in their 20's too." He told me. My jaw dropped.
"Oh my god." I said.
"I know! What was I thinking, and what the fuck were those women doing there." He explained, "the second I found out about their ages, that's when I stopped hanging with Mickey. And then you and I got in that fight at school, and dad sent me away to military school!" He said with a smile.
"Jesus. Your crazy." I told him.
"Yeah, I just wanted to fuck the pain away." He joked. Him and I started laughing and hitting each other. That's when we realized it was getting late , it was about 9 pm, and it's 12 pm for Junji and Elle! So I gave them a call when Nabi went to bed.
"Hey Junebug!" I smiled as he answered.
"Hi dad!" He said.
"Where's Elle?" I asked.
"She's still at Bonnie's..." he replied. I kept talking to him for a while, and he had started crying and ranting to me about how much he misses me, Rowan, and Jared.
"Junji, I miss you too, so much. I love and miss you like crazy!" I told him. Him and I talked a few more minutes until I told him I needed to call Elle. I called Elle's phone, and she still didn't answer. But I just kept calling until she answered.
"Dad, stop calling over and over like that! You're so fucking annoying!" She yelled. I was hurt from that. She's gotten a little too comfortable lately and keeps cussing at me.
"Elle, I just miss you like crazy. I want to talk to you." I asked.
"Well I don't want to talk to you." She replied. I could hear Bonnie whispering to her, telling her to just talk to me and reminding her the reason I had to leave in the first place.
"Bonnie, stop." Elle whispered back. That's when she talked louder.
"No, I'm not gonna stop! Elle, he's your dad! He was your age when he had you because that's how much he loves you! Your dad just lost his husband and tried to off himself and all you care about is that stupid fight you two got in! He is in pain, Elle! And he needs your help to numb it! You literally told him that you wish he died instead! What is wrong with you!" Bonnie ranted. I just stayed quiet, and Elle didn't reply.
"You forget that I have a dead dad too! A dad who committed suicide! Yeah, he was a shitty ass person but he never was to me and I used to love him, I know what it's like to lose someone like that! And your dad almost just shot himself in the head and all you can fucking say to him is that you wish it was him instead!" She had began to cry by now. And then she told Elle she doesn't want her there anymore, and that's when I hung up. An hour later, my dad said that she went home finally, and I called her again, well, FaceTimed her. And she answered! I had the camera on Rowan's face when she answered, and Elle was in bed crying, but she smiled a little when she saw her sister.
"Hey Elle." I told her as Rowan began to smile at the camera.
"Hey dad..." she sniffled. I put the camera to my face.
"Elle, why are you crying?" I asked.
"Because of the way I treated you. I finally feel the guilt." She cried.
"Elle, I'll never stop loving you, okay? No matter what you say to me. I will always forgive you. I just want to make sure that my girl is okay. Because I know you're going through a lot, and I know you just need someone to lean on." I explained to her. She finally let me talk to her, and we mended things between us, and then I went to bed. Nabi and I had a good time. He is amazing company! We would talk about our teen years, and the good times we had other than the bad.
I remember once when I was dropping Jared off at his house when we were teenagers. Nabi was in the car too. As I told you, Jareds family believes in Shintō, and they have a Torii outside of their house, which is a Shintō shrine. You've probably seen one once!
"What the hell is that anyway, I've always wondered." Nabi asked me.
"Um, I'm not sure. I never asked." I said. I then rolled the window down and yelled at Jared to come back before he came back inside. And we asked him about it!
"Oh, uh, that's a torii! It's just a gate that's usually outside of a Shintō shrine. When you pass through it, it means you're in a sacred space from the mundane world where humans live. I don't know, it's just what my mom used to teach me." He replied.
"What's Shintō?" I asked.
"It's uh, my religion I guess? I mean, I grew up with it! It's pretty neat to learn about." He explained.
"I didn't know you're religious." I smirked. All he did was give me the cutest smile.
"I sort of am I guess. I won't say I don't believe in it." He explained. I kissed him once more before leaving. I took all of our moments together for granted. I wish I could've been nicer to him. All those times we argued, it was all me. He never did that. I wish I could hug and kiss him one last time, and tell him how much I love him. I miss him more than anything.
I remember a time when I found out he was really sick. I still went over to his house after him and his mom told me not to. I brought him a care package! And I cooked him some things for him and I went into his room anyways.
"Karma?" He asked with a scratchy voice.
"Hello my love! I brought you some things!" I replied. He tried making me leave but I wouldn't.
"I got you some ice cream too. Your favorite kind!" I said, unpacking his things. He had his mouth and nose covered in his blanket so he wouldn't get me sick. I could tell he was smiling.
"Thank you." He told me. I blew him a kiss and he caught it with his hand as he giggled. He looked so tired, it broke my heart.
Anyways. Sweden has been nice. I feel relaxed, and I can actually breathe. My heart still hurts, and I'm in agonizing pain, and I miss Jared more than anything. But he's dead, and I need to learn to accept it.