Chapter song:
Even When I'm Not With You by Pierce The Veil
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Cass and I sit side-by-side on my couch as I pick at my cuticles. After Harry left, I asked her to take me home before everyone could start asking questions. I hated the way they looked at me, with a mixture of pity and confusion on their faces, so I needed to get out of there as fast as I could. They saw the whole thing.
They heard the whole thing.
The drive home was silent, Cass being too nervous to ask questions and me being too scared to answer them. I wanted to tell Cass about sleeping with Harry eventually, but not like this.
I changed out of my dress the second I got home. My sleeves were soaking wet from crying, and my cheeks were stained with mascara. I knew I would want to be somewhat comfortable when I talked to Cass, because I was fully prepared for an uncomfortable conversation.
Cass breathes in deeply through her nose before letting out a heavy sigh. "W- What's been going on between you two?" She finally asks.
I begin wracking my brain for an explanation that doesn't involve mentioning my new side job. "We've kind of been sleeping together," I mutter, chewing nervously on my bottom lip.
Her brows pinch together as she purses her lips. She already knew that, she heard Harry shout it loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear, but she doesn't say it.
"Since when?" Is all she says.
I feel a heavy knot grow in my stomach. "Since Halloween," I whisper.
Her eyes widen, a look of shock flashing across her face. "So, for almost a month you've been sleeping with Harry, of all people," she lets out an exasperated chuckle. "And you didn't tell me?"
"To be fair, we've only had sex three times," I attempt to justify. She rolls her eyes at my pathetic excuse. "I didn't know how, okay? It's not like I wanted this to happen. I was embarrassed."
It's not necessarily that I was embarrassed because of Harry, I was embarrassed because I made the mistake of sleeping with someone who has treated me like shit since the second we met.
Things were getting better.
"How did it even start?" She wonders, propping her elbow up on the back of the couch to rest her cheek against her knuckles. "I mean, I thought he was a total dick to you."
"He is, clearly," I scoff, shaking my head at my own stupidity. "But not always."
I stay quiet for a moment, and she looks at me expectantly for an explanation.
I swallow the lump in my throat before continuing. "I- I don't know how it started," I sigh, my chest tightening as I think back to Halloween night, and the moment in Louis's bathroom. "After the first time, I told myself it would never happen again. Something came over me that night, and I felt so stupid after. Then, it happened again."
I feel the corners of my eyes prick with tears, and I bring the sleeves of my sweatshirt up to wipe them away. "W- We started spending time together outside of work," I continue. "He was different when it was just us. I told him about my family-"
"You what?" She gasps softly, her mouth hanging open. "Katie, why-"
"I don't know," I cut her off, shaking my head. "I- It just came out. It's not something I ever intended on sharing with him, but he was actually really sweet after I told him. He held me while I cried, h- he took care of me after."
She nods her head slowly, clearly trying to absorb everything I'm telling her.
"The next day, he took me to breakfast," I sniff, averting my gaze down to my hands. I notice the skin around my left thumbnail is torn up from my mindless picking. "He took me to the beach..."
My voice trails off, waiting to see if she has anything to say. Cass knows how much I love the beach. She doesn't know the specifics, but she knows it's my safe space.
I let Harry into my safe space.
She doesn't say anything.
"He started changing," I clear my throat. "He opened up to me a little bit. He was kind. And then this happened."
"Katie," she whispers sadly, scooting closer to me to pull me into her arms. "I'm so sorry."
I tuck my body against her right side, placing my legs over hers, and resting my head on her chest. She rubs my arm gently in an attempt to soothe me.
"I just don't understand," I chuckle sadly. "Everything was fine. I don't know why he lost it tonight."
"I asked Louis what happened," Cass says. "He wouldn't tell me."
"It doesn't even matter," I say truthfully. "He said what he said. I'm nothing to him."
The room is silent for a few moments, all I can hear is the sound of her heart beating against my ear.
"You like him, don't you?" Cass breaks the peaceful silence.
I feel a pain in my chest at her question. It's the one question I was praying she wouldn't ask, because I knew if I answered it, it would make it real.
My bottom lip begins to quiver as my eyes well up with hot tears. "Yes," I choke out before the tears begin to slip down my cheeks. "God, I feel so stupid."
"Hey, now why would you feel stupid for your feelings?" Cass coos, placing a soft kiss in my hair. "We don't choose who we fall for, babe. Our heart chooses for us."
"Well, then I need my heart to sort its shit out," I huff. "Because this sucks."
Cass lets out a loud laugh, causing her chest to vibrate against my cheek. The sensation makes me giggle before I lift my head.
Cass reaches her hand up to brush the strands of hair that have fallen out of my ponytail off my face. "It does suck," she nods, smiling softly. "But it won't suck forever. You have more love to give than anyone I've ever met, Katie. Don't let Harry's dumb ass change that."
A tired smile plays on my lips, and I nod my head. "I won't."
Cass's eyes scan my face. "Are you going to be okay?" She asks me, her tone sounding worried.
"Yeah, eventually," I say truthfully. "I think I just need to get some sleep right now."
"Do you want me to stay with you?"
"No, that's okay," I shake my head, pushing myself up from the couch. She copies my actions. "Go spend time with Niall."
"Are you sure?" She hesitates, furrowing her brows. "I don't mind-"
"Cass," I chuckle. "I'm fine."
She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, her eyes nervously flicking back and forth between mine. "Okay," she finally sighs, walking to the front door while I follow her. "Promise to call me if you need me?"
I nod my head, opening the door for her. "I promise," I say. "I'll text you tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay." She smiles, pulling me into a hug, and squeezing me tight. "I love you."
"I love you, too." I give her a kiss on the cheek before she says goodbye and begins walking back to her car.
After I close and lock the door, I shuffle into the bathroom, flicking on the light and grabbing my face wash from under the sink. When I got home, I carelessly rinsed the smudged makeup off of my face, but I still have mascara caked under my eyes, and my lips are still stained red from my lipstick. I quickly wash my face properly, and do a lazy version of my normal routine, meaning I just put on a little bit of moisturizer after.
I stare at my reflection for a moment; my eyes are bloodshot and puffy from crying, and my cheeks are flushed and blotchy. I look like a mess after tonight's events.
I chew on the inside of my cheek, feeling pity for myself as I take in my current state.
Cass told me I shouldn't feel stupid, but I can't help it. I should have known better. I had a bad feeling in my gut just by looking at a picture of Harry, and I still fell for his fake kindness. I bet he thought it was a joke.
I bet he thought I was a joke.
I opened my heart to him, and told him about my family. I told him about Coronado, something I never thought I would tell anyone. I was vulnerable, and for some idiotic reason, I trusted him.
How can she tell me that's not stupid?
I groan loudly, tossing my head back in frustration before turning off the bathroom light and walking back into my living area. I pad my way over to my small bookshelf, my eyes scanning the books until they land on Salem's Lot, the book I bought when I went to that bookstore with Harry. I reach forward and pull it out from between Gerald's Game and Cujo, and carry it towards my bed, where I lift the pink comforter and crawl underneath. I scoot back until I'm resting comfortably against my headboard, and open up the tattered book to the first page.
Almost everyone thought the man and the boy were father and son.
As I'm about to move on to the second line, I'm startled by the sound of my unit's buzzer going off. My body flinches, and my breath gets caught in my throat. I glance at the time on the stove to see that it's nearly ten o'clock. I have no clue who would be showing up this late, unannounced.
Maybe someone meant to press the button for a different unit?
I shake my head and choose to ignore it, glancing back down at the page.
They crossed the country on a rambling southwest line in an old Citroën sedan-
BUZZ.
What the fuck?
I groan loudly before closing the book and setting it on the pillow beside me to crawl out of bed. I step up to buzzer, feeling nerves begin to build in my stomach as my finger hovers over the button. It must be Cass, maybe she forgot something.
I press the button. "Hello?" I croak.
"Katie, i- it's me." I hear a raspy British accent come through.
My stomach sinks when I realize it's Harry, and I debate whether or not to ignore it. Finally, I swallow the lump in my throat and choose to respond. "Go away, Harry."
As I'm about to lift my finger, his voice comes through again. "I want to talk to you, please," he begs in a desperate tone.
I furrow my brows. I could easily walk away, ignoring him completely, but something in his voice makes me pause. Without a word, I buzz him in, and stay standing there while I wait for him. After a minute, I hear a few gentle knocks on the door.
I unlock it, and reach for the knob, turning it to pull the door open. Harry stands in front of me, looking disheveled and exhausted. He's changed into a black t-shirt, and his hair is pulled back into a bun, a style I've never seen him wear before. His eyes are bloodshot, and the circles under them are darker than they were earlier.
"What do you want?" I demand, leaning my hip against the door to keep him from coming inside.
"I need to talk to you," he says, his words sounding rushed and panicked.
I keep my eyes on his, and the longer I stare, the more I notice how dilated his pupils are.
"Are you high?" I ask incredulously.
There's no way this man just showed up to my house, after humiliating me in front of our friends, high off of his ass. The shameful look on his face tells me everything I need to know.
"Okay, no," I shake my head, and step back to begin shutting the door. "You need to leave, Harry."
As I'm about to shut the door on him, his large hand presses against it to stop me.
"N- No, please," he begs, his brows furrowing in panic. "Just let me say what I need to say, and then I'll leave."
I bring my bottom lip between my teeth, chewing anxiously on the delicate skin until a metallic taste coats my tongue. Finally, I roll my eyes, and turn around to walk further into my apartment.
"Fine, come in," I mumble.
I hear the door shut as I walk towards my couch, plopping down on the leather cushion and crossing my arms as I wait for him. He stands awkwardly next to the couch, bringing his hand up to rub the back of his neck as he stares down at the floor.
"You can sit down," I say in annoyance.
He peers up at me, hesitating for a moment before taking a seat on the end opposite of where I'm sitting. He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and focuses on his hands that are now crossed in front of him.
"Look, I-" He begins, his voice cracking. He shakes his head in frustration before continuing. "I was an asshole tonight."
I scoff at him, rolling my eyes. "No shit," I mutter.
He sighs heavily, still avoiding my harsh gaze. "There's no excuse for the way I treated you," he says quietly. "Louis said something that set me off, and I took it out on you. You were just trying to help, I know that, but my head wasn't right."
I begin picking at my cuticles again, the raw skin burning each time I touch it.
"I- I don't..." He sniffs. "I don't really know how to do this."
I furrow my brows, unsure of what he means. "Do what? Apologize?"
A sad chuckle escapes him, and I notice the left corner of his mouth raise for a moment. "I guess you could say that," he says. "I don't know how to talk about my feelings like this."
Feelings?
My heart begins to race as my mind tries to think of what kinds of feelings he's talking about.
"What did Louis say?" I choose to ask.
He lifts his head, turning it towards me. He looks tired, and dejected, and even after everything he said to me tonight, my heart still hurts for him.
"He asked me about you," he admits.
"Me?" My lips part as I try to process his words. "What about me?"
"H- He asked if there was anything going on between us," he mumbles, making my eyes widen.
This is the third time tonight I've heard someone suggesting there was something between Harry and I, and it makes me wonder just how badly we've been hiding it.
"What did you-"
"Just-" He cuts me off. "Let me explain from the beginning."
I purse my lips, nodding my head for him to continue.
"The night we met Sunny," he clears his throat, turning his head to stare straight ahead. "Louis texted me, asking if you and I wanted to go to his for Thanksgiving."
"I know," I say confusedly.
"He asked me for both of us."
His words click for me, the realization hitting me that Louis must have known we were together that night.
"It freaked me out," he sighs. "I didn't realize how obvious it was. How obvious I was."
I stare at him intently, confusion still clouding my mind.
"Whenever I'm around you, Katie," he continues. "I can't think straight."
My breath hitches, and blood rushes to my cheeks. "What do you mean?"
"It's like, I can't function when I'm with you," he says quietly, turning to look at me again. "I can't keep my eyes off of you. You're constantly on my mind, Katie, and no matter what I do to stop it, I can't."
My cheeks feel like they're on fire now as his eyes flick back and forth between mine.
"Even when I'm not with you, I'm still with you," he breathes.
My lips part in surprise, and my stomach fills with butterflies as I try to gauge whether or not he's being truthful.
"I've been in love once," he says, sitting up straight and turning his body to face me. He looks down at my hands, my fingers still digging at my skin, and reaches out to grab them to lace our fingers together. "And it didn't..."
I notice his eyes begin to water, his cheeks flushing. "It's okay," I nod, urging him to continue.
"I haven't felt this way about someone since then," he takes a deep breath, then shakes his head. "I'm not saying it's love, that's not what I'm getting at."
A soft chuckle escapes my nose at his flustered state.
"I care about you, Katie," he admits, still focusing on me. "I care about you more than I've cared about anyone in years, and that scares me. W- When Louis asked about you, I panicked, because before that, I hadn't even admitted to myself how I feel about you."
I still can't find it in me to interrupt him, it's like I've completely lost the ability to speak as I stare into his reddened eyes.
"I was a fucking asshole to you," he chuckles, making me smile. "All because I was afraid to accept my feelings for you. I lashed out, and you never deserved that. I'm so fucking sorry, Katie. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I need you to know how sorry I am."
"You said I was nothing to you," I repeat his words from earlier.
He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, nodding his head. "I didn't mean that," he huffs. "You're everything to me, princess."
My heart swells, and I find it nearly impossible to catch my breath. At this point, the tears pooling above his waterline have started to spill down his cheeks, and I untangle my hands from his to reach up and wipe his wet cheeks with my thumbs.
"I care about you, too, Harry," I finally admit, his brows raising. "You were an asshole to me."
His face drops, and he looks downward to avoid my eyes. Using my hands, I lift his head back up to look at me again.
"But that doesn't change the fact that I've been happier the last few weeks than I have been in a long time," I whisper, his bottom lip quivering. "Even with how fucked up our situation is right now, at least I'm in it with you."
"Really?" He pouts, his whiney voice making me giggle.
"You make me feel seen, Harry," I say, dropping my hands to reach for his again. "I've never felt that way with anyone. I don't know how, but you understand me."
A look of sadness flashes across his face before he chuckles to himself, shaking his head.
"It's going to take me some time to forgive you," I say honestly, making him pull his lips to the side. "But I'll get there. I just want to be with you."
Without a word, Harry lets go of my hands to wrap his arms around me, pulling me tightly against him. I snake my arms around his waist, nuzzling my face into his shoulder.
"How did we get here?" He asks. "I used to hate you."
I laugh into his shirt, and his body shakes from laughing with me. "I used to hate you, too."
He pulls away from me, his tearful eyes locking with mine. "I relapsed tonight," he whispers, looking disappointed with himself.
"I know," I nod slowly, my hands rubbing up and down his waist gently. "It's okay. Sobriety is messy, but I'm here to hold your hand the whole way."
His brows pinch together, his tears picking up again. I never imagined I would ever see Harry cry; the sight alone breaks my heart.
"You're incredible," he smiles, bringing his hand up to my cheek to stroke it softly with his thumb. "C- Can I kiss you?"
A wide smile grows on my face, my cheeks feeling as if they're on fire under his touch. "Yes," I breathe.
My heart begins to race as he leans forward to press his warm lips against mine. It's gentle at first, but his tongue slips past my lips hungrily as he laces his fingers in my hair. A soft whimper escapes my lips as I move to press myself against him, wanting to be as close to him as possible.
I can taste the salt from his tears, but I relish in it, solely because it's him.
It's his new vulnerability, his warmth. It's the way he's made me feel safer than anyone else ever has. It's the way I know, no matter how fucked up our lives have become in the last month, he'll be with me every step of the way. It's the way that, even when I can't kiss him, I still wait to.
God, how did we get here?
~~~~~
Thank you guys so fucking much for 39k! I never imagined BLACKHOUSE would get to this point. I never imagined I would get more than 100 reads! Thank you for reading, voting, commenting, and supporting! I love you all so much <3