"Because uncertain memories are piercing into the corners of my heart,
I want to know if truth is painful or not.
The questions I've postponed are so frail."
It is the 18th of September, and a sense of deja vu washes over me.
I couldn't recall booking the same connecting flight to Milan with Yuki again, yet here we are.
We sat in silence on the opposite ends of a 4-seater gang chair. I messaged Ms. Sylvana to ask for an explanation, and she revealed that Yuki requested to rebook the flight I had originally booked for him.
What the heck are you doing, Ishikawa?
I am doing my best to distance myself from you, yet you're following me, not even uttering a word. This is so uncomfortable.
I transferred to another seat, but he followed me again.
I confronted him, irritation evident in my voice. "What do you want?" I asked, my frustration building up.
"I want you. Can we talk?" he answered.
"What is there to talk about? I thought we are done." I was fuming with all the bottled feelings.
Ishikawa, it was two months, and you just want to talk it out? I badly want to punch you.
We stood three meters apart, and he closed the distance. I halted him, trying to keep my voice low.
"Yuki, please, can you stop? Let's not make a scene." Tears welled up in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall, aware of the curious gazes around us.
He let out a deep sigh before returning to his seat. He refrained from bothering me once we boarded, even though we were assigned seats beside each other.
Yet, I could feel his eyes on me, scrutinizing my every move. Strangely enough, I found myself reaching a point where I no longer cared about his watchful gaze. All I wanted was to protect myself and maintain my independence, just as he had when he was away.
Upon arrival to Milan, no one was available to pick us up from the airport, so I took a cab home. I didn't care what he did. All I wanted was to avoid him. Wasn't that what he wanted when he was away?
I start to gather my belongings, carrying them into the elevator one by one when Yuki catches up to me. Unexpectedly, he accompanies me all the way to the 6th floor.
"Why won't you stop following me?" I asked, my voice filled with a mix of frustration and helplessness.
"Eri, please. Let's talk," he pleaded desperately.
What Ishikawa wants, Ishikawa gets.
"While the traces of tears dry out,
a trail blazed across my messy mind.
Where shall we go?"
He embraced me the moment he stepped inside. I attempted to push him away, but the overwhelming flood of emotions left me powerless.
Uncontrollable tears cascaded down my cheeks, their sound echoing in the room as I wailed.
And all Yuki could utter was the word "Sorry."
It's an indescribable pain, holding onto something uncertain, unsure if there is anyone grasping the other end.
My heart throbbed with tremendous ache, as I struggled to catch my breath amidst endless tears.
Once my emotions settled, he began to speak, to explain.
"Eri, I am sorry. I was devastated by what happened during the VNL. Everything just piled up, and I couldn't handle the stress, so I shut down everything around me and focused only on volleyball. I know it is not the right thing to do, and I am reflecting on it. I left you alone and without explanation. I am very sorry for that," he explained tearfully. "You stopped messaging me, and I feared you had left for good. I was too afraid to reach out again because I'd rather have the chat box hanging than have you respond and tell me it's over." His face pleaded for forgiveness.
"Yuki, I'm exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I no longer have the words to say, but I want you to understand that while you were struggling, I, too, was fighting alone. This relationship requires effort from both of us, but you closed the door. I want to go back to what we used to be, but I also want to listen to my heart. She wants to rest for a while."
Tears welled up in my eyes once again. I'm not one to easily shed tears, but when the weight becomes unbearable, they flow relentlessly.
"No, no, Eri. Let's work this out. Please, no," he pleaded desperately. "Sorry for not appreciating all your efforts. I really want to thank you for coming all the way to Osaka when you're supposed to go home."
He continued, "I was a fool for being a coward." Then he continued, "I promise to do better."
He looked at the necklace that was dangling around my neck.
"As long as you're wearing it, Erinne. I won't let go," he said, tears started streaming down his face.
Seeing his tears pains me, but I have to think of myself, too.
"For now, Yuki, please allow me to rest. I am drained. Return to your home and let us clear our minds first. I beg you," I pleaded.
Yuki stared at me in silence, his eyes filled with understanding. With a nod, he left my room.
Overwhelmed with emotions, I collapsed in tears, feeling weak and helpless.
All I desired was for him to comprehend the agony of waiting for someone who may never return. It is a deep and exhausting pain that cannot be resolved in a mere moment.
That night, I cried myself to sleep.
"Cuz I'm meant to be your piece until I die,
No one's wanna be alone.
You're torn apart and I pick up the pieces.
Though we fall apart between the hell's divide,
if you ask it of me, I'll stay by you forever and stay the same."
---
I woke up on my birthday feeling unhappy. It had been over a week since we last spoke; I won't complain, as it was my decision to stop communicating.
During team practices, Ishikawa performed his usual routine well. He seemed unaffected by any worries whenever he focused on playing his Mikasa. I was envious.
The truth is, I sometimes wonder if it's my own pride that exacerbates these emotions.
How many more birthdays will I spend in sorrow?
I prepared myself and embarked on a train journey to Venice. This would mark my very first visit to the city. Uncertainty weighed heavily on me, as I had no idea where to go or what to do. I felt completely lost, yearning for a temporary escape from reality.
Upon arrival, a gentle drizzle greeted me. I had come unprepared, only equipped with my jacket, phone, and wallet. As I wandered through the water-covered streets, disregarding the submerging land, I allowed myself to soak in the raindrops, allowing my emotions to pour out.
I never held any animosity towards rain; it was simply the havoc it wreaked that I disliked.
However, rain possesses its own unique beauty.
For life isn't always sunshine and brightness. Even amidst hurt and pain, there is beauty to be found, in immersing oneself in the tears and agony.
Life isn't simply about being born and then dying. Its worth lies in how you lived it—the encounters you experienced and the emotions you felt.
The intricacy of human nature never fails to fascinate me. As much as we strive to achieve greatness, there is an inherent joy in grounding ourselves in the simplicity of everyday life, simply taking a moment to breathe.
It's nice to be celebrating my 26th birthday under the gentle embrace of the rain.
"If it feels like your name was born to just disappear,
I'll scrub that thought away so much that it hurts, I realize a lot.
I can't take your tender lies."
I made my way back to Milan, not minding that I was wet earlier from the rain. But thanks to that, I've already cleared my mind.
It was 9 PM when I reached my apartment building. As I stepped out of the elevator onto my floor, I was greeted with a heart-wrenching sight: Yuki, slumped against my door, his face filled with a mixture of hope and devastation.
His eyes sparkled with a glimmer of hope when he noticed me, but the weight of his emotions was evident. Slowly, he rose to his feet as I approached him.
For what felt like an eternity, we stood there, locked in a deep gaze, the silence hanging heavy in the air. Not a single word escaped our lips.
"I was so cowardly that I acted like a child.
Cries swallowed down, but you don't mind.
I did it so as not to hurt."
If silence could speak, it would be defeaning.
My heart swelled with the desire to explode, and my knees quivered, feeble and prone. With just one Yuki standing before me, my world melted, devoid of laws, reasons, and rules. It was a beautiful chaos. Yet, he was my sun, the only one capable of keeping everything in perfect alignment.
"Please, Eri, let me back into your life," he whispered, his words barely audible.
As he enveloped me in his embrace, an overwhelming wave of emotions crashed over me. All the unspoken sentiments between us suddenly became tangible in that single moment of connection.
Yuki, you have rendered me helplessly vulnerable.
A lump formed in my throat, tears cascading down my cheeks. Words failed me, but I held onto him tightly, hoping with all my being that he could fathom the depth of my love for him.
I surrendered myself entirely to him, for he was my truest desire.
"Don't let me be your wound.
Wash off all you've been bound.
Listen closely to the sighs of rest."
I'm unsure if Yuki and I have truly stood the test of time yet, as things tend to become chaotic whenever we're apart. There's a lingering fear within me that we might have to endure this once again after the club season concludes.
But, despite the uncertainty that lies ahead, I've decided to surrender myself to the ebb and flow of this relationship. I firmly believe that wherever this love leads us, we must gather our inner strength and face it head-on.
---
2022. November 13.
The match for today is extra special as Milano will be playing against Padova. This is where Ran plays, and I miss him a little extra.
We already followed each other on social media a few months ago, and he continuously keeps in touch with me.
In truth, he was my main informant during their recent competitions, but he does not know anything about Yuki and me yet.
Yuki drove to Padova. As soon as we arrived, we were welcomed by Ran. He was so happy to see us again.
"Yuki-san! Erinne-chan!" He said cheerfully.
"Ran! I missed you," I said while we hugged.
"How are you?" Yuki asked.
"Want to taste my carbonara, Yuki-san? You should, too, Erinne-chan."
"You're so confident, huh?" I said
"Yes, and look at my haircut. Looks nice, isn't it?"
"Yes, you're handsome as always, Ran-chan," I said while I laughed.
I felt Yuki glaring at me. Is this man jealous?
"Let's go inside?" Ran invited us.
I nodded, but as soon as Ran started walking, Yuki called him over. Yuki grabbed me by the shoulder and side-hugged me. No words were exchanged, but Yuki was signaling to Ran that we are currently dating.
Ran immediately understood, his eyes widening and his jaw dropping.
"Really?!" He was so surprised he put his hands over his mouth.
Yuki just nodded, smiling. This man was trying to be cool, as if he was not jealous earlier.
I smiled along with Yuki, speechless at the sudden announcement.
"My Captain Yuki has already gotten a girlfriend!" He was still astonished, like it was next to impossibility. "So that explains how distracted you were off-court, Yuki-san. And your constant asking for updates, Erinne-chan," he continued.
It was us whose eyes widened by Ran's revelation.
Ran is such a talkative child! Things escape his mouth seamlessly.
Yuki and I exchanged awkward glances.
"You were distracted?" I asked.
"You kept asking for my update?" He asked.
"You, lovebirds, let's go inside and continue chatting there," Ran spoke casually without honorifics. This child communicates so well. I understand why people admire him.
We had a great time after the match. Although Milano won, Ran played well. They even accommodated their supporters and were interviewed.
Later, we had dinner in Padova and talked about various things. When I received a call from Mr. Luigi, Ran and Yuki switched to their Japanese mode. They didn't change back when I returned, and I observed how they enjoyed talking to each other, being the only Japanese buddies in this area.
I was smiling at them the whole time they were rapping in Japanese.
They noticed me, finally.
"Oh, gomen, Erinne-chan. We talked about so many things we forgot you don't understand Japanese." Ran said.
Yuki was nodding yes.
"It's okay. Just continue talking. I am busy reporting to my head manager as well," I said.
It was true I was reporting to Mr. Luigi, but I was also observing the two. Yuki is so gentle with his juniors. It was not the usual competitive and stoic Captain Ishikawa during games. This was something other than what you would see on court.
After dinner, we dropped Ran off at his dorm, and then I drove. Yuki had already put on his glasses because his eyes were strained. Ishikawa relies heavily on his eyesight, so I usually drive at night since my vision is better. I'm a night owl, and he's not.
He talks to keep me company while I put my J-pop playlist on the play.
"You do love J-pop songs, even if you don't understand."
"I don't understand, but I can memorize lyrics. Play me any Pitchi Pitchi Pitch song, and I will sing it," I said laughingly.
"You do have a great memory."
He falls asleep whenever he's too tired from the game, and on this particular night, Yuki slept while I drove. He tried to stay awake for the first hour, but when I started talking nonstop, I realized he was already snoring.
We arrived in Milan at 11 PM after a three-hour drive, and I caught myself staring at Yuki, who was still asleep.
Suddenly, he jolted awake, and I was stunned.
"Eri!" he shouted.
"Is anything wrong, Yuki?" I asked worriedly.
He was staring at me, holding my wrist. He was panting.
"I thought you left...you left me alone..." he was scrambling for words.
He might had a bad dream.
"I'm here. I'm right beside you, Yuki." I tried comforting him by hugging him.
He was trying to calm himself and hugged me back.
"Can I sleep beside you tonight?" He asked.
I caressed his beautiful face and answered, "Yes."
---
I was growing increasingly busy due to my master's thesis, often taking time off work to gather data and conduct interviews in different cities. Meanwhile, Yuki's interviews and features, as well as his sponsors and endorsements, grew with his popularity.
During games, Yuki would even stay behind after his teammates had left, as his fans eagerly awaited his presence. I would patiently watch and wait for him until he finished accommodating his devoted supporters. It was no surprise, given Yuki's exceptional talent with his trusty Mikasa.
Moreover, Yuki seemed to grow more handsome with each passing day. Words fail to capture just how appealing he was becoming. Although I may be biased, I am certain that many others would concur.
Yet, I cannot deny that we are slowly drifting apart.
As Yuki's fame increased, it became more challenging for us to spend time together. With more people becoming aware of Yuki, especially through his social media accounts, there were many Asian and young fans who would go wild if they discovered he was in a relationship. If my true identity was revealed, it would be the end of my peaceful life.
While Yuki continued to excel in volleyball, I was nearing the completion of my master's degree. International architectural firms had already expressed interest in collaborating with me once I graduate this year.
Yet, success can sometimes lead us to neglect other significant aspects of our lives.
I found myself torn between continuing with the team after graduation or prioritizing my career growth. I am in a dilemma.
"What do you think we should do?" I asked while staring at the night sky.
It was a rare April night when we managed to get some time together.
"I don't want to lose you, Erinne. But we have reached a point in our lives where our careers are flourishing. I hope you understand what I mean," Yuki said, his gaze locked onto mine.
"What... what are you suggesting? Are we breaking up?" My voice trembled, on the verge of tears.
I couldn't bear the thought of another heart-wrenching breakup. For the love of everything, I pleaded silently, let this man be with me, even if only in this lifetime.
"No, I don't want that either. But I'm at a loss for what to do. I want you to be by my side, but I must admit that I cannot fully commit to this relationship. There will be times when I won't be able to be the man you deserve," he confessed, running his hands through his hair.
He continued, his voice filled with sincerity, "Eri, I don't want you to think that I only come to you when I need you."
"Yes, I know. I've seen how you dedicate yourself to achieving your goal. I've seen how you've brought the team to higher rankings, especially now that you are the acting captain since Piano is still recovering," I said, then breathed deeply. "I also understand that we can only focus on things one by one."
"Is it selfish of me to ask you to wait for me?"
"Yes, it is. Because we can never predict what the future holds. Things don't always go according to plan."
"I will come back, Eri. I will definitely come back for you."
"What about me? I cannot wait for you forever."
Yuki remained silent.
I continued, "Yuki, I'll be graduating this year. I'm staying in Milano because they sponsor my studies. I'm also building my life and career outside of volleyball. Once you leave, I'll have to continue building myself."
I took a deep breath. "Tell me, Yuki. What do you plan after the Olympics? I know it's more than a year from now, but I have to know. If I were to be your wife, I have to know where I will settle my feet. My profession is not something that could go international just because I excel in it. Do I stay back at home? Or in Japan? Italy? I don't know. I'm confused, too."
Silence followed. Then he spoke, his voice trembling, "I can't go on like this. I want to build a family with you, Eri. As much as I want you by my side, I realize that you have your own dreams to pursue. I've relied on you too heavily."
Tears welled up in his eyes. "I've been a fool for trying to control your life and dreams. I'm sorry for my selfishness. I want to be with you...I never fully considered how challenging your situation would be, but I can't help but desire you. You are like a bolt of lightning that has struck me and left its mark. I admire your hard work and determination to achieve your dreams. I can't help but follow you."
He paused briefly.
"I'm afraid that if I let you go now, I won't be able to win you back. You have so many opportunities in life, while I only have volleyball. I want to prove my worth and become someone worthy of standing by your side." He took a deep breath. "Even though I'm a volleyball player and you're a professional architect, I hope people will still see us as a perfect match."
As my mind scrambled and my heart wavered, tears cascaded down my cheeks.
I held his hands tightly. "Yuki, I love you. But we need to figure things out before committing to a lifetime together. My decisions depend on you, but it's difficult to keep living without you by my side. Waiting for you without knowing when you'll return is agonizing. The longing turns into worry, and eventually, it becomes a pain that slowly kills. I cannot endure that. I've been through hell and can't afford to go back."
I paused, then continued, "I need your definite answer because I am ready to take a leap and arrange my life so I can follow you wherever you go."
"Eri, I don't want your life to revolve around me, but I cannot help feeling this way—I want to be selfish and agree with you. I want you to come with me, but I realize it's unfair to ask that of you. I just can't stop loving you." He walked toward me.
Kneeling before me, he rested his head on my lap, tears flowing freely down his face. "Eri," his voice cracked, "I may not be someone you need, but I need you more than anything."
My heart ached as I felt his pain, and I tenderly caressed his hair, silently assuring him that I would always be there for him.
Yuki may appear stoic to his teammates, but he is a man who freely expresses his emotions. He is not afraid to cry, laugh, or show annoyance to those he trusts. He clings to those with whom he is most comfortable.
Although he has a pride so high that only a few people can get the upper hand on him, once he becomes attached to someone, they become very dear to him.
I love him with all my heart.
"Cuz I'm meant to be your piece until I die,
No one's wanna be alone.
I'll leave my soul by your side.
As we wander around aimlessly in a corner of the sky,
The light that shines on you will stay the same.
Till I die...
By your side..."
------
*Quoted lyrics excerpted from
https://musicbox-trans.livejournal.com/340324.html