NESSIE
I can't believe Summer is almost over. It's already end of August, just a few days til September. Then I'll go back at Wrencore. I mean, theoretically I am already back there. I live in a dorm on campus, kinda hard not to see the place. But classes will start. And I will have to back off on some stuff. Not so many books. Or so many dates with Mark. He's been taking me out almost daily on a date. Wants to make up for the time we lost.
The time I spent obsessing over someone else.
I still do sometimes. Still won't let Mark touch me. Can't. Not with the image of Adam's hands all over me. His tongue.
Mark and I kiss from time to time, but never more. He hasn't seen me without my top and pants on since that day I told him I want to take it slow. It's for the best. I know it pains him to keep his hands to himself, but it's for the best. And he accepted it. For me.
For a liar. For a cheater. For a person who deserves to be heartbroken after she broke the hearts of two guys.
"How do you like the view?", Mark asks me. We're at a pizzeria near Central Park, one we usually come to, with the view at the trees, the flowers and the people inside the park. The kids laughing. The couples holding hands.
How I love New York.
"I love it", I answer. "I love it. I really do."
Mom and Dad always wanted to take me to New York one day. Said it's the city of dreams. It sounded so beautiful. Just like in the books. They left this world before we could all come here. After high school, I moved here to make their dream come true. I couldn't live back in that small town. It reminded me all too much of what happened. Here, everything was new. And they are still with me somehow. With their wish.
I love New York.
"What are you thinking of, Nessie?", he asks me now, pulling me away from my thoughts. I have to smile to stop the urge of crying.
I miss them. So much.
I wonder if they would still be proud of their little girl now. If they saw who I became.
"I am thinking how much I love this place. This city", I answer. Mark smiles.
"It's beautiful", he tells me. "Just like you."
"I am not so pretty", I add. He already turned his gaze to the menu and doesn't reply. Doesn't say anything to what I just said.
I swallow hard.
Maybe he heard me and thinks that way too...
"I'm sorry, did you say something?", he asks me, looking back at me.
I lie. "I was just asking you if you already know your order."
He chuckles. My blood might explode from my veins any moment now. "I think I'll go with the pizza. Should we share one?"
"We can", I say, although I really wanted the pasta. They are the best in this place. Luigi, the chef, makes them like no one else. "But can we also get the mozzarella sticks?". Another dish that is to die for here. Mark looks at the menu and shrugs.
"We always take them", he counters. "Let's try something else. How about the tiramisu?"
I nod. "Yeah, sounds great." The mozzarella sticks would have made me fat anyway. Too much oil. Tiramisu is sweet, but he'll end up eating most of it anyway. He always does that. For I know it is his favorite food at the restaurant. We always buy it. It's so cute to see him with a spoon full in his mouth.
A waiter comes and places our order. We also buy some drinks, some lemonade for me and a coke for him.
And then we wait.
"Are you excited about your junior year?", Mark asks me. I have to smile. I am an English lit major. Only the best major out there. I know I might sound weird, but I really love college. It sometimes gets too much, but I love it. I love the vibe of it too. The college friends, my second family. I don't know where I would be now without those four girls in my life. I like the lunches we eat together at the canteen, the five of us with the Fab Five. I like the late-night learning sessions and dorm life. I can't say I don't somehow dream to get out of Wrencore. Go out and just live like an adult. Get a job. Make some money. Have a house to call my own home. Start a family.
But I like Wrencore too.
"Yeah", I reply. "But I am also excited for the year in itself", I add. "Did you know the drama club makes a new play? Nini got into casting after she killed it last year as Juliet." I am proud as I say that. Nini is a drama major and played the lead of Romeo and Juliet last year. She was so good, she even got invitations to some castings. She'll star in a romcom soon. Getting over you. I am so proud of her. "And Dia is going to sing at the showcase." Dia, a music major, is always shy to show us her voice, but she has the best voice out there. And she has been invited to sing at Wrencore's official showcase. Taking place at the New York Opera House. A pretty big deal. "And..."
"The drinks are here", he says, interrupting me. I swallow hard but get it. Mark doesn't quite like my friends. Feels intimidated by the Fab Five. And since most of my friends date those guys, he avoids spending time with them.
I understand. And give his hand a squeeze.
"I am so glad we came here", I say. I mean it. I love this place. It's one of my favorite in this whole town.
"I love it too", he says, lifting my hand up to his lips and giving it a kiss. "And I love you." His words make me blush brighter than my red dress. I usually wear white or pastel blue but decided to go with something more romantic for tonight. And since red is the color of love, I thought it would be a nice look. Especially since I changed the style a bit too. I usually wear cardigans, or sweaters, or knitted tops, or cami tops usually in white, sometimes with flowers on them. I always match them either with jeans or checkered blue skirts. But mostly with denim overalls. And one of my Converse to top the look. I have Converse with flowers I embroidered on them. I have with daisies, roses, tulips, dandelions...Any type of flower. Today, I am wearing this short red dress, a necklace with a heart around my neck. Mark gave it to me for our one-year anniversary some time ago. I don't wear it so much, since I hate stuff hanging from my neck. But I thought this occasion would be nice. I couldn't part my Converse though. I'm still in my black pair of shoes with red roses on them. My black hair is falling freely down my shoulders, my lips are red too.
Not my usual look. I don't hate it. I don't love it.
"I want to take you out tomorrow", he says. I nod smiling.
"Where to?", I ask him, a part of me screaming bookstore date. I always wanted to go on a bookstore date with him. But we never went there. I guess he's afraid he'll have to hand me his wallet and I'll end up emptying it.
Chances are big.
But I won't do it. For him.
"The lake in the park. We can hire one of those boats and I'll sail..."
I feel dizzy. I think I might fall.
"I'll sail you on the..."
I wonder why it is so hot in here. Is it hot? Am I hot?
"On the..."
The cookies I baked earlier for the girls and snacked on some come back to me.
"Nessie, are you alright?', he asks me. I nod, not wanting to look weak.
"I just need to go to the toilet", I say. He bites it and I stand up.
Only I can't walk. I look at my feet and my world keeps spinning. I feel the need to throw up. Now. I need to throw up.
Now.
Throw up.
I try to walk to the bathroom, but I can't move a step.
I reach a few tables away as I think I might collapse.
"Are you alright, Miss?", a waiter asks me. He's holding me tight. Keeping me from collapsing on the ground.
I might throw up on the ground right now.
"I am fine", I say. Not a truth. "I just need to go to the toilet."
"Alright", he responds and helps me walk over there. He opens the door for me and I rush inside, hugging the cool sides of the toilet and already puking my guts out there. I guess the waiter made a sign for someone else to come for a woman is quickly holding my hair as I continue emptying myself. The waiter from before disappears and the woman starts whispering words to make this more bearable.
Only it's not.
It's like my soul would escape my body. My stomach is turning and all I can do is throw up. Again. And again.
And again.
As I stop, I sink next to the toilet and face the woman. She's also a waitress, I recognize by the uniform. She has the name Carla written on her name badge.
"I'm sorry", I say and my stomach starts turning again. I throw up again. She holds my hair. And starts drawing circles on my back.
"It's alright", she answers as I still throw up. "It's alright. It's all going to be fine."
I spend some more time hugging the toilet. As I think I am done and able to talk again without having to throw up, I lean against the wall. Someone knocks at the door, which has been closed behind us I notice, so that no one has to witness how I puke my guts out.
I wonder if it's Mark. And then again, I hope it's not him. I look like a mess. Some marks stained my dress. I smell like vomit.
I start crying, sinking deeper into the ground. I wish it could take me completely.
Now my eyes are red too.
"It's me", the voice of the waiter from before says. Carla stands up and opens, revealing the man standing with a water bottle in his hands.
"Are you alright?", he asks, facing me. I nod sarcastically and show him a thumbs up. And go puke again.
The two gasp and Carla comes back to me to hold my hair while the other waiter rushes outside, closing the door to the bathroom behind him. He returns seconds later with some tissues. Although it's a women's bathroom, he comes inside, closes the door again and gets the tissues wet so I can clean myself afterwards.
As I am able to breathe again without having to throw up, I sink with the back against the wall. The man, whose name is Max if the name tag is to be trusted, opens the water bottle and hands it to me. He then gives the tissues to Carla who starts wiping out the stains of vomit from me, while I take some sips.
And start crying again.
"Are you alright?", it's Carla's turn to ask.
I shake my head this time. I feel like I might die any second. I feel like I could hug that toilet and throw up for hours.
I am not alright.
"I really hope it's not from our food", Max adds, trying to lighten up the mood. I chuckle a bit then cry louder.
"Thank you", I whisper after some time. The two only nod.
"Yeah, no problem", Carla answers. Max only nods agreeing.
"Would you mind if I'd stay alone for a bit?", I ask the two. They share a worried look but agree.
It's Max who says: "We'll be nearby. If you need something, just call for one of us. This is Carla and I am Max. We'll bring you whatever you need."
I thank them again and the two stand up, ready to exit the bathroom. Only Carla stops in front of the door. "Did you come here alone?", she asks me.
"No", I whisper, my voice still trembling. For the tears haven't stopped rolling down my face. Might not stop for a while. "I came with my boyfriend", I add.
"Do you want us to call him here?", she continues.
I shake my head. I look like a mess. He doesn't deserve that. "I won't take long", I explain, if only to stop her from looking so worried.
"Alright", she replies. "As Max said, we'll be nearby if you need anything. Really. Just give a shout."
I thank them again. I really mean it. I haven't met anyone be so nice to someone they don't even know. For they don't even know my name.
"I'm Nessie by the way", I add, if only to show them a thank you for what they did. For being there for me.
Carla smiles at me. So does Max. If they were surprised of me suddenly saying my name when I'm crying on a bathroom floor after throwing up several times, they didn't let it show.
"Nice to meet you", the woman says, and they go outside.
I try to focus my eyes on anything, to escape the sounds like drums beating in my head. My heart races too.
I'm fine, I lie to myself. For I started doing that too. I am fine. I haven't just puked in a restaurant bathroom. I am not crying now. I am not wishing Mark will knock at that door and check if I am okay.
I am fine.
It's then I remember something Max said.
"I really hope it's not from our food."
That's when I freeze.
I haven't eaten anything.