You were led out of your cell by two guards who walked you into the cafeteria, all the villains were eating the finest brown slop that was washed down with a carton of probably expired milk, the moment you walked in you heard The Riddler talking to Harley and Ivy, you decide to walk over to them.
"HE'S NOT COMING!!!." Everyone shouted at Harley who looked at everyone.
"Oh what the fuck do you all know, you're all fucking insane!." Harley shouted as you sat down next to Ivy.
"Hey Ivy, what's everyone screaming about?." You sit down next to Poison Ivy who rolls her eyes.
"Harley's still thinking that Joker is going to return for her-"
"Because he is, he's busy with something, I know he's coming for me!." Harley shouts at Ivy. "Y/n, you're smart, you know that he'll be back for me, right?." She looked at you, expecting you to say yes.
"Harley, how long have you been stuck here again?." You asked.
"It hasn't been that long-"
"Harley you've been here for nearly a year!." Ivy jammed her fork into the brown slop on her tray. "What more can I say to you that'll convince you he's not coming?."
"Nothing, nobody here can convince me of anything, he's coming for me, I know he is!." Harley slammed her hands down on the table, glaring at Ivy.
"Even Y/n knows he's not coming, and he's not the sharpest knife in the shed."
"This is true." You nod looking at Harley. "I may not be as smart or insane as either of you, but Joker ain't coming for you Harley-" You quickly duck the tray Harley threw at you.
"He's coming, I know it, all of you just shut the fuck up!." She stormed out of the cafeteria, beyond pissed.
"Harley!-" Ivy went after her, you grabbed her arm and sat her back down.
"No, Ivy, she's not going to believe us, we have to show her somehow."
"How are we going to show her that he's not coming?." She looked at you raising an eyebrow.
"I found a plant on the desk of Gordon's office, I can get it and bring it to you before light's out, but I'm going to need a favor from you." You smile at Ivy.
"I'm not having sex with you Y/n."
"What?. No, not that!. I need a place to stay after the police found my location and raided my apartment and since you've got your own apartment..."
"Absolutely not."
"Do you want to help Harley or not?." You asked Ivy who waited for five seconds before letting out a sigh.
"Fine...but if you touch even one of my plants, you're ass is out of there."
"Deal." You see her extend her hand but you hug her instead, making it awkward for her on purpose which made you smile.
When you let go of her she slapped you across the face, a blush was visible. "Never do that again!."
"Is that a blush I see-"
"SHUT UP." She shouted. "Just go get the damn plant."
TIMESKIP...
Later, you were asleep in your cell when you heard the walls start crumbling, you shot up awake and saw Ivy standing on vines, tossing guards around like ragdolls.
"What kept you?." You asked
"Do you want to ask stupid questions or do you want to get out here."
"I'll shut up." You smirk and Ivy helps you onto the vines, traviling to Harley's cell, Ivy does the same thing.
"Mister J, I'd knew you'd come!." She smiled running out of the cell door but her smile dropped when she saw Ivy and you.
"Ello sunshine." You smile giving her a little wave.
"Oh great, it's you two." She rolled her eyes leaning on the wall.
"Okay, let's go." Ivy held out a hand to Harley.
"No, because I'm waiting, for-"
"Joker." You and Ivy say at the same time.
"You know how long you've been saying that for?." You asked.
"Calander man." Ivy looks at Callander man who was running out of his cell.
"Oh hi." A calendar man throws a Molotov to a guard, lighting them on fire. "It's been one year since you arrived, Harley."
"You hear that? One year, happy Akrham anniversary Harley." Ivy moved closer to her and smile. "Here's your present." she blew a flower in her face and Harley passed out, Ivy then looked over at you.
"Okay Y/n, you carry her out of here."
"Me? you've got those vines to help you out, you can't be bothered to use those to carry her-"
"Y/n, just fucking do it, you're strong, and-and handsome, okay, just please carry her...please?."
"I know you are saying those things only to make me carry her...but goddamnit fine." You pick up Harley and sling her over your shoulder, Ivy following behind you.
Timeskip...
You and Ivy arrived at her place, you carried Harley over to the couch and put her down.
"Hey Ivy, I knew you'd break out of Arkham." A talking plant said out of nowhere.
"What the fuck!-" You looked at the plant, shocked that it could speak.
"Who's this, ooh, are you going to seduce him and turn him into a plant as well?." the plant smiled at Ivy who rolled her eyes.
"No, Frank, this is Y/n, he's an assassin with a big mouth and-."
"A big dick" You cut her off, winking at her.
"Y/n, shut up or I'll kick you out of this place."
"Fine, I'll shut up, does this place have any booze?."
"No, anyway, this is Frank, he's one of my plants, Frank, Y/n will be staying here with us while we help Harley with her problems."
"I didn't ask for a fucking roommate!." Frank glared at you.
"Well tough shit, you got two of them actually." You smirked, and slowly Harley began to wake up, you gave her a nod before Ivy began to speak.
"Uh, when you pay rent you can make decisions Frank." Ivy walked over to some of her plants, they all looked like they were either dying or dead. "Ugh, look what all those months in Arkham did to my poor babies...and where's that stupid neighbor's kid I hired to water them for fucks sake!?."
"Uh he quit after a week, very unprofessional-" Frank spoke before vomiting up a skeleton of a child holding a watering can, covered in purple goo.
"What the hell?." your eyes widened.
"Really frank, what if his parents come looking for him?." Ivy sighed.
"Unlikely." Frank spewed out two other skeletons next to the other one.
"Uhh, what am I doing here?." Harley leaned against the couch. "Joker's going to go crazy with worry when he tries to break me out of Arkham and sees when I'm not there."
"He does not care, our escape was all over the news, and he has not come to see you." Ivy walked in front of the tv.
"Are we just going to gloss over the fact that your friend here ate three people!?." You looked at the three skeletons.
"Y/n, you're an assassin, you've killed way more people than he has-"
"Yes, but I have standards, be polite, be proficient, and have a plan to kill every mother fucker you meet." you hold your fingers up while listing the three "standards" to Ivy who rolls her eyes.
"Wait, Joker hasn't come to see me yet?." Harley put her hands on her head. "Oh my god, something terrible must've happened to him!." she gasped and quickly made a run for the door. "I hope he's okay-"
"Oh my god." Ivy put her hand up and vines blocked the door. "What do we have to do to prove to you that Joker does not love you-"
"You can't, I'm outta here!." Harley made a run for the window but you tackled her onto the couch and pinned her down.
"For once court jester, you are going to listen." you held her down as she tried to get you off of her.
"You were a genius psychiatrist, do you remember how to diagnose me?."
"Sure, a classic misanthropy with abandonment issues who befriends plants to avoid human intimacy." Harley said.
"Nailed it!." Frank laughed.
"You helped me, I can be around people now, you know, I mean, I hate it but I can do it without vomiting. I mean, we're both friends with Y/n over here and as much as he annoys me, he's better than most people I've met-"
"Aww, that's the nicest thing you've said, Ivy." You smiled.
"Y/n-" She gave a cold gaze, implying you to shut up.
"Sorry, continue."
"Anyway, Harleen Quinzel was the only doctor who ever got through to me. What do you think she would say to you?." Ivy used one of her vines to grab a photo from a shelf and hold it up to Harley.
Harley stared at the photo for a few seconds and you both hear her talking to the photo, you get off her and walk over by Ivy as she talked to the photo.
"So, I'm better than most people you've met?."
"Yes, but you still annoy me, like a lot, but you are still one of the people that I've met that I consider...okay."
"So does that mean you'll let me stay here?."
"We made a deal, if Harley breaks away from Joker, you can stay for as long as you'd like." Ivy nod but grunts when you hug her again. "For an assassin, you are really handsy."
"I just do it to get a rise out of you, and plus I can tell you are blushing-"
"No-No I'm not." Ivy shoved you away but quickly looked away, you saw her cheeks were a little pink and smiled. "And stop hugging me, okay, we aren't a damn couple."
"That can change if you wan-"
"No-"
"Worth a try." You get up, Harley stopped talking to the photo and got up off the couch, looking at both of you. "Alright, I'm going to break up with Joker once and for all."
"Good for you Harley." you gave her a nod.
"Come on, let's go see that assclown now...after I change." she walked into the next room and changed out of her prison uniform into her black and red jester outfit. "Uh, Y/n, aren't you going to change?."
"I don't have a change of clothes, when the police found me they took away all my shit, I can't even remember the damn bullshit excuse they pulled out of their asses, they also took all my guns, knives and my other weapons, so I'm essentially starting over."
Harley sighed. "Fine, we'll stop at a clothes store, steal some clothes, and then we go to Joker."
Timeskip...again...
You, Harley, and Ivy, walked into Joker's base, you were now wearing a black leather jacket, a white shirt, jeans, and boots.
"The authorities are still on the hunt for escaped Arkham inmates Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, HeadHunter and Gotham's funniest villian, The Rid-" the reporter on the news said before Joker shot the tv.
"Screw that guy!. Name someone funnier than me, Stan." Joker looked over at one of his henchmen.
"Harley?." He looked over at the three of you that entered.
"What?. No! Stan...women aren't funny!." Joker then shot Stan twice making him fall to the floor.
"She's standing right behind you." Stan weakly pointed over to the three of you.
"Ahem." Harley glared, walking up to Joker.
"Oh, hey, Harley." Joker walked over to her, then noticed both you and Ivy.
"Ragweed...wait, Headhunter what are you doing here, I didn't butt dial you again did I?."
"Not this time." You said before Harley got in Joker's face.
"That's it?. Just "Hey, Harley"?. You left me in Arkham for a year!. You abandoned me, you lied to me!. But this is the last time. I am here to break up with you!."
"Oh shit, she's dumping you!." Stan said still on the floor.
"No, she's not!." Joker walked up to him. "She doesn't call the shots!." He put his gun to Stan's head.
"Yeah, 'cause I'm callin' a cab." Harley walked away. "See ya never." You and Ivy followed her.
"Oh uh, thank goodness, she's finally doing exactly what I prayed she would." Joker smiled.
"What?." Harley, you and Stan said at the same time.
"Oh for fucks sake." Ivy facepalmed.
"Much as it destroys me to say it Harley, I was going to insist on breaking up, because it's the only way to keep you safe."
"What the hell are you talking about?." Harley looked at him, walking towards him again.
"Yes, no, please continue with your bullshit-" Ivy glared before Joker got behind Harley and shoved Ivy away, you caught her and she looked up at you, you smiled at her.
"The world's gone mad since you've been in Arkham have you seen Commissioner Gordon, he's lost it. He wants revenge because I "paralyzed" his "partner." he chuckled. "He and Batman are hell-bent on destroying everyone I care about."
"That's why you didn't come get me?." Harley smiles.
Ivy groans as Joker continues speaking.
"Keeping you away from me was the only way to protect you. And still is. So I'm afraid my dear this is a..." he kisses her hand. "Oh, it's a heartbreaking goodbye." Joker walked away.
"Uh, no, no, wait!-" Harley called out before Ivy and you stepped in.
"No!." Ivy shouted. "No "wait" this is what you wanted Harley."
"Is it?." She asked.
"It is." You said. "You came here to do this-"
"Yes!." Joker said. "Listen to your awful friends." Joker pointed at both you and Ivy.
"So this is really the end?." Harley asked before Ivy gripped her hand and began walking.
"Yep this is it, let's go." Ivy said. "Come on Y/n, let's go."
"Unless..." Joker spoke up.
"Unless what?." Harley quickly turns around to look at him.
"Unless our love is so powerful that even the threat of death can't keep us apart!." Joker walked over to her. "Oh screw it, I'll die for you, any day!." Joker put his hand on hers. "I'm in!."
"Really?. Me too!." Harley jumped into his arms and the two began making out in front of you and Ivy.
"What the fuck just happened?..." You looked at Ivy.
"We're going to need some privacy here guys. Sorry, it's gonna get real gross, real quick." Harley said as her and Joker continued sucking each other's faces, the two of them started moaning and Ivy huffed, leaving, looking pissed, you followed her out of the base, shaking your head.
"I'll call you when I need a job done, Headhunter!." Joker shouted before you heard moaning from both of them.
"So, now what?." You looked at Ivy who screamed in a fit of rage, smashing a trash can with her vines, she began destroying everything from cars to benches and streetlights, you quickly ran over to her and got in front of her.
"Ivy, calm the fuck down, we can still fix this!-" You said.
"How exactly do we do that, those two are now making out and in ten seconds they'll be moaning and fucking the shit out of each other!." She looked at you, angrily, she began knocking over more benches and taking out fire hydrants now, you run up to her and get her in a choke hold, covering her mouth, a technique you use to subdue your targets before finishing the job, but with Ivy, you tried to calm her down.
"Relax for fucks sake Ivy, calm down!." You began tightening your grip, making her struggle less. You started thinking for a second about a plan and got an idea. "Ivy relax, I got a plan to show her his true colors."
"....What could you possibly think of?." Ivy took a deep breath and stopped struggling.
"You have the Riddler's contact info?." You asked her, smiling.
Timeskip...yet again...
You and Ivy were at the lair of The Riddler, you've put together a massive plan that involved Harley, Batman and Joker, all you had to do was wait.
"So, because we broke you out of Arkham, you'll be even with us?." Ivy looked at him, folding her arms.
"Mmm...maybe, but I want a deal from you Mr. Headhunter..." He smirked at you, tapping his cane on the ground twice.
"And what would that be?." You raised an eyebrow.
"Next time I require your skills or when I need someone taken out, you'll do it for free-"
"What!?. Oh hell no, I'm an assassin, not some guy who's going to kill people for free, you pay me for a day's work, that's the deal I get for my services-"
"Fine, then the deal's off." Riddler folded his arms, turning away from you.
"Wait...he'll do it." Ivy spoke up, you looked at her and your eyes widened.
"What kind of plants have you been smocking Ivy, I'm not killing people for free-" you protested but a vine was quickly wrapped around your neck, Ivy brought you closer to her, her face was nearly touching yours.
"You are doing this for Harley, if she doesn't break up with Joker, you don't have a place to stay, so either you do this, or you can go find a bench to sleep on."
Her vine tightened around your neck and began choking you.
"Fine, fine, I'll do it." You say, making Ivy release the vine around your neck, you fall to the floor, putting a hand on your neck, Riddler held out a hand, the other on his cane.
"So, deal?."
"Fine, but this is a one-time offer." You shake his hand and help yourself up.
"Excellent, now, sit back and watch The Riddler's genius plan unfold." He walked in front of a camera and Ivy grabbed your hand and pulled you out of the frame, behind the question mark backdrop.
"Riddler here with a riddle so hilarious, you'll die laughing-"
"Hey, Riddler." Harley stormed in. "I got some notes about your show-"
Suddenly Batman dropped in out of nowhere.
"It's over Riddler-wait a minute-what are you doing here?."
"Buzz off Batsie I'm in the middle of doing a "notes" bit!." Harley shouted before two giant balls came down and captured them, lifting them up high over two trap doors of green liquid.
"Riddle me this you two, what is cold but still burns, what will eat you if you drink it?-" He took off his hat.
"Acid." Harley said.
"It's Acid." Batman said at the same time.
"I am not done. What is...wait...Did I say the thing about cold but it still burns?."
"Yes." Batman and Harley said at the same time.
"No." Riddler said.
"Because it's acid." Harley continued.
"No!...okay it's acid, I'm dropping you in a pool of acid."
"You're making a big mistake, 'cause when my man hears about this, he's gonna come runnin'."
"Precisely what I'm counting on. Why don't I invite him over right now for a little game night?." Riddler pulled out his phone and began to text the Joker.
"So you don't have a riddle so funny it makes people's brains explode?." Joker looked at Riddler who shook his head.
"No."
"I knew it!."
"You won't get away with this, Riddler." Batman said.
"If there's no riddle, then why are we here?." Harley asked.
"To play a little game. Choose one to live and one to die and in the acid, the loser will fry."
"Is it the good kind of acid that gives you superpowers?." Harley smiled.
"No. Choose!." Riddler pointed to Joker.
"Go ahead. Tell him, Mistah J!." Harley grinned at Joker. "Deep fry that bat."
"Yes, well, yes, yes." Joker looked back and forth between Harley and Batman. "It would seem this is an easy choice, Harley, but..." he started laughing uncontrollably, while he was doing that, Ivy looked over at you, you were eating popcorn quietly.
"What?..." you quietly whispered. "I'm hungry, and this is also entertaining."
"Puddin?." Harley looked at Joker. "Even for you, that's a lot of maniacal giggling."
"Sorry my little strung-up pheasant, but I couldn't possibly let this punctuation prick get credit for killing Batman, now, could I?." Joker laughed. "Free the bat, drop the broad."
Riddler released Batman first who landed on his feet, before he released Harley, who screamed as she fell into the acid.
You handed Ivy your popcorn and reached into the pool of acid, pulling Harley out of it, she coughed a few times before looking up at you.
"Y/n?...you saved me from the acid." She smiled.
"It's actually just margarita mix."
"It's still kinda stingy."
"Okay, I did my part, so we're good." Riddler tapped his cane on the ground.
"Part?. what's he talking about?." Harley looked confused.
"So don't go all Harley on me okay, but we did set this whole thing up." Ivy spoke up, chewing on some of your popcorn.
"We've been telling you Joker's no good for you, but it seemed like you didn't understand what he really wanted, so we wanted you to see it for yourself." you smiled at Harley.
"I just wanna crawl back into that acid and die." Harley began crawling but you held her back.
"Again, margarita mix." You pulled her away, handing her over to Ivy as you walked over by the mix.
"Yeah but chin up, look." Ivy smiled, putting a hand on her chin, making her look at her eyes. "You know, you still got me, and I care about you so much."
"I do as well, you were actually nice to me in Arkham, we spent the entire day setting this shit up."
"That's true..." Harley looked down. "I bet it wasn't easy."
"The biggest pain in the ass was finding 150 gallons of this shit." Ivy gestured to the margarita mix.
"I told you to get a Costco card." Riddler walked away.
"And I told you, I only go there once a year, so it doesn't pay for itself, chief!." Ivy looked at Riddler, suddenly, all of them heard slurping noises, all of them turning their heads to see you dunking your head in the margarita mix and lapping it up.
"Y/n, what the fuck are you doing!." Ivy shouted at you.
"Hey, your place doesn't have any booze so I'm taking what I can get out of this shit." You dunk your head back in and continue drinking.
Timeskip......again....
"Ugh, can't believe I wasted years of my life on that idiot clown." Harley sulked.
"Oh, boo-fuckin'-hoo." Frank mocked. "I spent ten years in a dog park. Come talk to me after A St. Bernard shits on your face!."
You started laughing your ass off after hearing that, slapping the counter.
"He had way to much of the margarita mix." Ivy rolled her eyes and sat next to Harley.
You were so drunk you couldn't even hear them talking about whatever the hell they were talking about, you heard the doorbell ring and went to get up.
"I'lL gEt iT." you say before Ivy wrapped a vine around you, keeping you in the chair, she opened the door and a guy was dressed in a purple suit.
"Joker Gram, knew you'd make it out, let's forget the past, I sent this idiot out to shout, let's have a...oh." He frowned before exploding, the guts and blood going all over the apartment, getting on Harley, Ivy, and yourself.
"Aww, there's an eye in my hair." You pull out the eye and toss it into the garbage disposal."
...Timeskip.....
Ivy was driving along with you in the passenger seat, you were still drunk and Ivy didn't want you to do anything stupid.
"What are we doing?..."
"We're going to help Harley, you think you can still kill people while drunk?-"
"I am NOT drunk!." your words slurring. "I-i-i-i just had a bottle of dinner....with my beer."
Ivy rolled her eyes at you and then slammed on the brakes, the entire Joker lair was destroyed. "Holy shit..."
"Aww, we missed the show!!!." you stumbled out of the car, upset you didn't get to kill any Joker goons.
The last wall of the building fell down and Harley was standing, a bloody baseball bat in her hand and a big smile on her face.
"Hey." Ivy walked over to her friend, smiling. "I was just going to see if you needed any help but you seem good."
"What happened to your clothes?." you asked, seeing her now sporting a new look.
"It was time for a change." She smiled at you.
"Gonna go pick up some Thai food. Text me what you want?."
"I'll have a green potato curry."
"Yeah, but I said-just text it to me."
"But you're right here."
"Yeah, but, I'm not going to remember it. And then you won't like what I get you and then you're gonna want some of mine."
Harley sighed
"Just fucking text it." Ivy walked back to the car, Harley walked over to Joker who was still under the pool table.
"What, are you going to kill me now?." Joker laughed from under the pool table.
"No, I want you alive so I can see the look on your face when I'm runnin' this town." Harley walked away giving him a peace sign, Joker looked over at you when he realized you were there.
"HeadHunter!?-Perfect, I have a great job for you...Kill Harley and I'll make it worth your wild." He put his hands together expecting you to kill Harley, who turned back, looking at you.
"....and have yOu tReat me LiKe ShIttttttttttttttt, noP, I qUiT-"
"What!?. Do the job and I'll pay you....500,000 dollars-"
"Hey Y/n, what do you want, Ivy texted me to ask you." Harley smiled, looking at you.
"I'Ll GeT wUt yoU goT." You stumble behind Harley who stuck her tongue out at Joker.