"Cass should be here with Katie any minute," Louis states, making me choke on my beer mid-sip. "Harry, you alright mate?"
I cough a few times into the crook of my elbow, wincing at the feeling of the bitter alcohol going down the wrong pipe.
"Yeah, yeah," I wheeze. "I'm fine."
Jesus, even the sound of her name makes me forget how to function.
I run my fingers through my hair, brushing it back to get it off my forehead, and stare down at the fire as I try to compose myself.
Ever since Louis texted me, asking if Katie and I wanted to come to his for Thanksgiving, I've been a nervous wreck around her. I mean, he texted me, asking about both of us. It makes me wonder if Katie has said anything to him about us.
Not that there is an us.
There's no way we've been acting much different than before while we're at work, at least not enough to draw attention to ourselves, right? Granted, we haven't been at each other's throats as much recently, but that couldn't possibly be a reason to think there's anything going on between us.
"Katie and Cass are here," Louis announces as he walks back towards the group from the back door.
What the hell?
I was so stuck in my head, I didn't even notice him go inside.
I swallow harshly, my throat still raw from coughing, and avert my gaze back to the flames in front of me. Maybe, if I just act like I don't notice her, no one will get the wrong idea about us.
Maybe I'll be able to stop thinking about her.
"Hey babe!" I hear Niall shout from my right, and watch him run up to the two girls out of the corner of my eye.
I take another big swig of my beer, and try not to focus on the conversation just a few yards away from me.
"Guys!" Louis shouts to my left, making me flinch slightly. "I want you to meet my girlfriend."
I feel my nerves build in my stomach, feeling heavier and heavier the closer Katie gets. I keep my head down, hoping against hope that she doesn't say anything to me.
"Katie," I hear Louis say, my breath hitching. "Cass, this is Hailey. Hailey, this is Katie and Cass."
Again, the sound of her name alone makes my hands tremble slightly, and I quickly finish off my beer in an attempt to kill the nerves.
"It's nice to meet you," Hailey says.
I hear the two girls return the greeting at the same time, making everyone around me laugh. I, on the other hand, can't find it in me to do, or say anything.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I never get flustered like this. At least, not since the first time I met Ca-
"Who's hungry?" Louis snaps me out of my train of thought, and I watch as everyone starts walking inside.
I hesitate for a moment, waiting for the group to go ahead of me so I can catch my breath before we have dinner. Just when I think I have an opportunity to do so, Katie walks slowly up to me, and I have to resist the urge to turn around and walk away from her. Instead, I keep my head forward and begin following everyone inside.
"Hi," she whispers in a meek tone of voice.
All I can do is purse my lips in response.
"What's your deal?" She asks me, sounding a little more confident this time.
"What do you mean?" I say, chewing nervously on the inside of my cheek.
"You know what I mean. You're being weirder than usual."
I can't help but scoff at her observation.
Weird?
"I don't know what you're talking about," I mumble, feeling slightly annoyed by her statement.
I step in front of her to walk inside, and beeline for the fridge so I can get another beer. I crack open the can, and turn away from everyone to quickly down it without them noticing. I can feel the alcohol heating up my skin, my cheeks feeling red-hot as my head starts to feel fuzzy.
Mindlessly, I help everyone move all of the food from the counter, to the center of the table, almost tripping over my feet a few times due to the alcohol now flooding my system. I don't mind it, though. It's better than losing my shit over the girl now sitting across from me. I even tried to take Lucas's seat, but he wouldn't let me.
"Come on, mate," I groaned quietly. "Just switch me."
"No, stop being weird and sit down," he scolded me, leaving me feeling like a child who was just yelled at by their mum.
• • •
I zoned out for the majority of the dinner, both from the several glasses of champagne and my urge to avoid Katie like the plague. I caught myself staring at her absentmindedly a few times, but luckily, I don't think anyone noticed.
I don't know why the hell I'm acting like this, but I can't help it. There's something about the way my feelings for Katie have changed over the last couple of weeks. I went from hating her, to tolerating her, to... whatever the hell this is. All I know is that whenever I'm around her, the world feels a little bit brighter.
And that scares the shit out of me.
I'm standing outside with Louis, Niall, Lucas, and Elijah now that we've finished dinner. We're all in a circle around the fire pit, and for the hundredth time tonight, I've found myself lost in my own thoughts.
I feel someone nudge my arm with their elbow, and I turn to my left to see Louis staring at me with a look of concern on his face. "What?" I ask, furrowing my brows.
"What is going on with you tonight, H?" He wonders, his eyes flicking back and forth between mine. "I know there's something going on. There has been for a while now."
I feel a lump form in the back of my throat.
By "something", does he mean the drug dealing, fucking the shop assistant, or my frustrating change in feelings towards said shop assistant?
"Nothing," is all I can say.
The knot in my stomach grows tighter the longer he stares at me, like someone is holding both ends of the anxious rope and pulling as hard as they can. The loud music Louis has been playing for the last little while has turned into nothing but static in my mind as the anxiety has built. I shake my head, and toss back the remainder of my eleventh drink of the night.
"This is what I mean," Louis scoffs, gesturing to the drink in my hand with a nod. "You don't drink like this. What is going on?"
I purse my lips, the knot in my stomach slowly unraveling to allow a wave of annoyance to creep in. "Louis," I mutter through gritted teeth. "Just drop it."
"Does this have anything to do with Katie?" He whispers, but clearly not quietly enough.
"Katie?" Elijah pipes in.
I turn to look at the guys, who all have shocked expressions on their faces.
"The girl you hated before you even met her?" Lucas adds.
"And who you treated like shit for no reason?" Niall speaks up, a cocky smirk on his face.
My mouth hangs open, my brows furrowed in irritation as I glance between all of them. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Is there something going on between you two?" Niall presses, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Because if there is-"
"There's nothing going on between us," I cut him off angrily, crushing the empty beer can in my hand when I attempt to ball it into a fist. "Don't be ridiculous."
"H, I can tell something has changed," Louis sighs, shaking his head. "I watch how you act around her now, how you look at her..."
His voice trails off, and when I think he's finished with his thought, he opens his mouth to speak again. "And I don't think it's a good idea."
My head snaps in his direction, and I feel the anger that was growing in my abdomen skyrocket upwards, through my chest to my cheeks.
Who the fuck is he to tell me what is, or isn't a good idea? He doesn't know a goddamn thing about what's going on between Katie and I, and he doesn't need to. The feelings I have for her are none of his business.
I have feelings for her?
I feel an overwhelming rush of emotions begin to suffocate me as the realization hits me like a ton of bricks, the strongest one being anger. "Shut the fuck up," I snap, taking a step back as my chest begins to tighten.
They all look at me like I'm insane, which only fuels the rage coursing through me.
"Harry, relax," Louis urges me gently, placing his hand on my arm. "I'm just looking out for you. I don't want you to get hurt."
I pinch my eyes shut and shake my head, the action mixed with the drinks I've had making me feel woozy.
"There's nothing going on!" I shout again, feeling like a broken fucking record. "So stop fucking acting like you know anything!"
I yank my arm away from him, and throw the empty can in the fire before storming towards the sliding glass door. I throw the door open the second I reach it, and step inside right as Louis calls after me. The loud music is now thudding in my eardrums, making my head feel as if it's about to burst from all of the pressure.
"Harry!"
I ignore him, and keep walking through the kitchen until I reach the living room where the girls are sitting.
"Harry?" Katie's soft voice drowns out the music, but I refuse to look at her before I hear Louis again.
"Harry, mate," he yells, sounding out of breath from running after me. "Hold on, I didn't mean-"
"Piss off," I tell him as I reach the front door.
I twist the knob, and yank it open to rush out towards my car. I can hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears, the intense emotions sobering me up quicker than I would have liked. I pull my car's remote from the front pocket of my tight jeans, fumbling with it to unlock the door.
"Harry!" I hear Katie's voice again, calling out from behind me right as I get the door open. "Harry, stop!"
She catches up to me, and grabs my arm to stop me, but I rip it away from her before it can do any good. "Don't touch me!" I snap, spinning around to face her. I see her flinch from the action, making my heart clench.
She's afraid of me?
"Okay, I'm sorry," she breathes heavily, holding her hands up in surrender. "Just- What happened?"
"It's none of your business," I mumble, trying to get into the car again. The last thing I want to do right now is explain to her why I'm so angry. I just want to be alone.
I'm always alone.
"Harry, stop," she demands, gripping onto the car door to prevent me from closing it.
I can hear the desperation and panic in her voice, but I don't care. The only thing I care about right now is getting the fuck out of here.
And getting high.
My nose starts to itch as the idea pops into my head, and suddenly it's the only thing I want, and need. "Why?" I spit, still glaring down at her petite frame even while I'm halfway in the car.
"Because I'm worried," she says timidly, her eyes scanning my face. "Please, just talk to me."
My frustration reaches a boiling point, and I stand up straight, stepping up to her.
I just need to get high.
"Why? You're not my fucking girlfriend," I tell her, her face shifting from worried to confused as a deep crease settles between her brows. "You're nothing to me, princess."
The second the words slip from my mouth, her face falls, and I know I've hurt her. Deeply. Unfortunately, that's the last thing I care about right now.
"I never said I was your girlfriend," she chokes out, her voice cracking as her eyes begin to water. "I just-"
"Just what? Hm?" I growl, tilting my head to the side. "We fuck a few times and all of the sudden you feel entitled to my life?"
The hurtful words keep spilling out of me, like word vomit, and there's nothing I can do to stop them. I don't want to stop them.
I just want to get high.
"N- No," she says in a broken voice, her body trembling as the tears in her eyes begin to fall down her pink cheeks.
"Then leave me the fuck alone!" I shout, finally getting into my car and slamming the door behind me.
I quickly start the car, and throw it in reverse before peeling out of the driveway, not even bothering to look in the rearview mirror.
• • •
How did I get here?
I don't even remember driving home.
I don't remember laying down on my living room floor, with blood dripping from my nose as my whole body tingles from the cocaine coursing through me. I blink a few times as I stare up at the ceiling, the whole room feeling as if it's spinning. This whole day feels like a fucked up, drunken blur.
My body is numb. I feel tired. I feel guilty. But most of all, I feel sad.
I can't believe I spoke to Katie the way I did when she chased me outside. I don't know what came over me. I just remember feeling so overwhelmed, then so angry, and then all I could think of was numbing myself out with cocaine. Once that got into my head, I knew I would be willing to destroy anything, or anyone, that got in my way.
Even the one girl that hasn't left my mind in weeks.
I pinch my eyes shut when they start to burn from the tears pooling at my waterline. A single tear falls from the outer corner of my left eye, down my temple, and into my hair as the image of Katie's terrified face replays in my head.
She was so afraid of me, and rightfully so. I fucking hate myself for it. Just under a month ago, I would have relished in the thought of her being too afraid to even speak to me, but now? Now the only thing I want is to speak to her, to see her.
For the last two weeks, my thoughts and feelings have been a mess. Something changed the night Katie told me about her family. I don't know what it was, but a large part of me wanted to comfort her, to take her pain away, to make the world a little lighter for her. Even though, like she said, I had been adding to the weight on her shoulders for weeks.
For awhile, I tried to convince myself that it was about sex. After it happened the first time, I couldn't get my mind off of her, and I thought it was just her body I was lusting after. Then, it happened again, and again, each time feeling a little different than the last. A little more personal. I knew it was more than just sex after that, I just didn't want to believe it.
This whole thing freaks me out. The last person I felt this way about was Caroline. Part of me believes those feelings are reserved just for her, like I'm betraying her, but I can't help them. These feelings for Katie are all-consuming.
I was a prick. I am a prick. She should hate me, but the only thing she's been towards me is soft. Soft and kind. She told me she was worried about me today, and I screamed in her face for it.
I bring my knuckles up to my eyes, and rub them in an attempt to stop the tears that are continuing to build.
I deserve to feel like shit right now. I deserve to have her yell at me, tell me what an asshole I am, tell me she hates me, but she wouldn't. She wouldn't, because that's not who she is.
She's the person that wrapped her arms around my waist in the shower and told me that she was proud of me for trying to get sober. The person that walked into that godforsaken warehouse all because she was worried about me.
She is gentle, and she is beautiful, and all I've done is make her feel like shit.
I grab onto the coffee table above me, and use it to slowly sit up, being careful not to make myself even dizzier than I already am. When I'm finally upright, I look down to see drops of blood all over my shirt, and bring my sleeve up to wipe my nose. The stained shirt is just another painful reminder of how much I fucked up today.
I was trying to get sober. I know sobriety isn't linear, but that doesn't make it feel any less shitty when you slip up. Katie told me she was proud of me, and I ruined all of that within the span of an hour.
I didn't deserve that kindness in the first place.
I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket, and I carefully lift my hips to pull it out. My heart rate quickens, a part of me hoping I'll see Katie's name on the screen, only to be disappointed when I see a text from Niall.
Nice job asshat
I roll my eyes in annoyance before the phone vibrates again with another text from him.
Fix this.
I pull my lips to the side as I stare down at the message, my vision becoming blurry from the tears welling up again.
He's right. I need to apologize to her. She doesn't owe me any forgiveness, but I need her to know how sorry I am. Even if she slams the door in my face, or tells me to fuck off.
I need her to know.
I slowly stand to my feet, my body still buzzing from the cocaine lingering in my system, and walk to the bathroom to splash my face with some water. I look at myself in the mirror, grimacing at my pathetic reflection as I wash all of the blood off, and lift the stained shirt over my head to toss it on the floor to be dealt with later.
I shuffle to my bedroom to find a clean one, pulling a solid black t-shirt from my dresser, and throwing it on.
The pieces of hair framing my face are wet from trying to rinse the blood out, so I go back into the bathroom, and open the top left drawer to grab a hair tie. I messily pull all of my hair back, and secure it in a bun before I walk into the living room to search for my keys.