I sat in the room for at least an hour after Dr. Myers left, my eyes locked on the clock as the minute hand ticked by. The room's silence only fueled my dissociation until an exaggerated gasp shattered it.
"Oh, Katherine. I didn't realize you were still in here" My eyes stayed locked onto the clock as the minute hand passed 12, ready to do another minute. "Katherine, are you okay?".
"I'm fine" I couldn't even recognize my own voice right now; it sounded so void of emotion.
Watching the clock, I frowned to myself, thinking about the whole appointment with Dr. Myers. Something was nagging at me in the back of my head, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was.
I shouldn't have been let off what I did, everyone could clearly tell that I was very close to hurting Sidney, and I probably would have had Dr. Myers and Mickey not pull me away at the last minute.
Why was Sidney even allowed in here with us? My files clearly state no group sessions with family, not even my dad, and, most of all, no Sidney.
Dr. Myers left with an unusually soft pat on my head as she gave a rare smile stating she had to meet her son for dinner. I wasn't aware she even had kids; she didn't seem the type.
"Katherine?" I turned to look at the receptionist, who was watching me with a concerned expression as she seemed a little perturbed by my silence. "Do you need me to get anyone, Hon?".
"No-" Picking up my messenger back, I put it over my shoulder "-I'm fine. Just needed a minute" At her eyebrow raised, I rolled my eyes as I mumbled, "Or sixty."
Moving past her, I just waved my hand when she offered to find the 'handsome' gentleman I had arrived with. "No. I'm okay. Just going back to my dorm".
Playing with the ring on my finger, I realized getting back would be less inconspicuous than I thought, as every pair of eyes in a mile's radius stuck to me as soon as I exited the building.
I could feel their gaze and hear their whispers as I crossed my arms over my chest and walked through the rain toward my dorm. By now, I was used to being gossiped about, but it angered me that, once again, I came out as the villain.
Sidney has probably told her preppy little boyfriend and idiot friend of hers that I had attacked her for no reason.
Yes, I admit I wanted to spill her guts to the ground and fantasized about it a lot, but it wasn't unprovoked. Even years after our mother's death, she was finding ways to make me feel like an outsider.
Opening my dorm room door, I blinked, seeing Tara jump in fright. "Hey-," she said almost awkwardly, more awkward than usual. "I- uh, put your flowers in a vase," she motions to the colored flowers sitting in a mason jar beside my bed.
"Thanks," I mumbled, throwing my bag into the corner of my half of the room, kicking off my boots, and sitting on the edge of my bed, wet from the rain. "You should keep them thought. I'll only end up killing them".
Tara is silent as I stop to think about my wrong choice of words. I could tell she already knew about what had happened. It's not unusual for her to be fidgety, but I could practically feel her anxiety from here.
"I wasn't gonna hurt her," I say over my shoulder, which was a lie. Not that Tara knew that, but I didn't want my roommate to be afraid of me, especially since I kinda liked her.
"Did you want to?" Glancing in her direction, I said nothing as we locked eyes. Her face was void of any judgment or fear. It was like she was staring through me and into my soul.
I just blinked, turning back to face the wall as I sat on my bed, listening to her getting off her bed and rummaging around the room. It sounded like she was packing a bag.
"Willow wants me to go stay with her for a few days, she, um, heard from Sidney what you did," I let out a small snort. Of course, she did. "but I won't go if you need someone to talk to or just be around?".
Slowly getting up from my bed, I silently walked over to the mason jar and stroked my finger against one of the colorful flowers. Picking up the bouquet, I handed them to Tara. "Give these to Willow. I'm sure she'll enjoy them more than I do."
Opening the door with my free hand, I motioned for Tara to go as I helped her out with her bag before closing it behind her as she tried to say something that almost sounded like an apology.
Leaning my head against the door, I let out a shaky sigh hearing the soft shuffle of Tara's footsteps leaving the dorm.
Turning my back and sliding to the floor, I placed my head on my knees again, sitting in the welcomed silence. Every now and then, I felt like I was being watched, but when I looked up and out the window, I couldn't see anyone.
I let out a small sob I didn't know I was holding in as I started thinking about how unfair everything was.
Life is truly un-fucking-fair.
Sidney was probably all tucked up in her dorm room right now, ready to put on the show of a lifetime to anyone who would listen, and they'll believe her; people always do.
She's going to be a great actress one day, but I'll always be the crazy one. The one has been blamed, mistreated, or pushed aside for most of her life.
The one who lost her marbles and had to be sectioned in a mental hospital only to leave and try her hand at normalcy, destined to fail due to the other half of her.
I should have gone with Roman, begged him to take me too all those years ago. Wherever he went, I should have followed instead. Now I'm stuck in this cycle of unjust.
Angry tears rolled down my cheeks as I continued to sit with my head against my knees, feeling totally lost and alone, but there was one person I could always count on.
Stumbling over to the phone table, I sat on the floor by the phone decorated with Wiccan stickers and dialed a number I had quickly memorized.
Just hearing Sue's voice was enough to open the floodgates that were the emotions I tried to keep hidden. I don't think she knew what to do when she answered the phone so cheerily, only to get a sobbing teenage girl on the other end.
Honestly, I didn't even understand what I was saying myself at this point; I just let it all out. Telling Sue how Dr. Myers let Sidney in on their session, and I lost control and attacked my sister. Now everyone probably thinks I'm some kind of murderous loose canon.
I broke down completely; this wasn't a situation I had considered when considering all the endings after my appointment. I wasn't being taken back to Westin Hills, but somehow this felt just as bad.
It felt so unfair, and I don't think I could spend the next two years at Windsor especially being so close to my sister again. I wanted to leave, I tried my hand at normality, and it fucking sucked.
"I want to leave. Please come get me," I whimpered down the phone crying as I curled into myself. "You said I could come live with you. I can't do this".
"Kat, shh. Listen to me, Kat," I heard Sue's voice cutting through my meltdown, sounding confident but slightly confused. "Listen to me, sweet girl, go sleep, okay?. Go to bed, and I'll fix this."
I hiccuped as I clutched the phone in my hand. "Okay, I can do that," I whispered, nodding as my lip trembled. "But you'll come get me, right? Tomorrow?.
Sue sighed sadly. "Don't let this setback knock you. I know you're stronger than that. If you wake up tomorrow still feeling the same, then you know I'll come get you, and you can come to stay with me, you know that".
"Promise?" I beg, sounding like a scared little girl, which I guess, in some cases, I was. If Dr. Myers was seeing this right now, she might say something about my 'inner child.'
"I promise you, my sweet girl," Sue swore in her usual no-bullshit tone, which made me smile. "Go to sleep now. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you".
"I love you too," I sniff before saying goodbye to her and putting the phone down.
Running my hands through my still-wet hair, I pushed myself up from the floor to do as Sue told me to. I doubted anything would change after a few hours of sleep, but I would still do as she said.
Laying in my bed, not even bothering to change or remove the wet, uncomfortable jeans, I covered myself with my blanket, staring out the window, almost dissociating again.
Frowning at a flash of white in the black darkness, I blink, sitting up, but it's gone when I open my eyes again. Sighing, I lay back against my pillow, thinking deeply, even if Sue did manage to fix this, maybe this life wasn't for me.