sato mai
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I always say that the only reason why I like going to school is because of having a place where I can go. But after I met Ni-ki, I got a second reason to enjoy school. We all have these mornings where we want nothing more but to stay in bed all day. That was how every morning felt before meeting Ni-ki.
I still have those mornings when I want to drown in loneliness by staying in bed all day. Despite having those mornings, I still have a reason to get up every morning, and having that is something worth living for.
Everything is slowly starting to make sense. The words people use to describe their emotions in love stories, I understand them now. I understand the feeling of relying your happiness on someone, to have someone as the second lead role in your life.
I have always viewed myself as a background character who is just there to fill out empty spaces. That view of myself started to disappear once I found myself constantly looking after Ni-ki. There have been countless amount of times when I have caught myself looking up at the Kinmyaku building, hoping to see a hint of Ni-ki.
Whenever I catch myself in these moments, I experience first and second-hand embarrassment at the same time. Despite the embarrassment, I still enjoy these moments even if they cause me to question my existence.
Today is another lunch I'm spending outside. I didn't expect this to turn into a habit, but it became a habit after my encounters with Ni-ki that have been made during this hour. It feels like a must at this point, as if lunch is the only time in the day I get to talk to him. If I miss it, I have to wait until tomorrow.
Whenever I spend another lunch hour impatiently waiting for Ni-ki, I can't help but ask myself if I am relying on him too much. He is always the one who takes the initiative and time to see me and I have never returned it. I'm looking at the sight of Kinmyaku through the forest, questioning if it is my name to visit Ni-ki.
I would like to see Ni-ki in his school environment, see what kind of student he is, and what kind of people he hangs out with. He may be a different person when he is with his school friends. Or perhaps, Ni-ki always comes to me because he doesn't want to be seen with me around his school friends. Sounds logical to me.
If I was Ni-ki, I wouldn't want to be seen with me either.
I shaked off my thoughts as I decided to head towards Kinmyaku anyway. What is the worst thing that can happen? That my prediction is true and Ni-ki doesn't want to be seen with me?
I looked over the empty schoolyard as I sighed. It's lunchtime, why was I expecting a crowded schoolyard? I preferred to leave until I spotted a familiar figure in the empty schoolyard. A smile appears on my lips as I look at him walking. Ni-ki spotted me as well. Stared at me for a few seconds out of confusion, while having that sweet smile on his lips.
"I'm sorry if I was taking too long" Ni-ki said with a chuckle.
"Have you ever arrived late to something? Or do you even know you have a magical ability to appear in the most perfect timing?" I asked.
"You learn something new every day" Ni-ki replied with a smile.
"You look happier than usual" He added.
"Well, I'm always happier when I'm with you. Including the news, I heard the other day. My Dad-" I said.
I looked at Ni-ki whose happiness turned into confusion. I need a few seconds to prepare the words I'm about to say instead of spitting out words that I'm going to regret later. It's not because I don't trust Ni-ki, it's because I'm not ready to tell him to full truth yet.
"My dad might be coming back home soon" I said.
"I'm happy for you, Mai. Has it been long since you last saw him?" Ni-ki asked.
"I do meet him occasionally but we often talk over the phone. My family went through a huge change a decade ago and-" I paused mid-through the answer.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to or feel comfortable with it. A conversation topic about your parents can be a sensitive topic" Ni-ki replied.
"One day, I will tell you everything. And in the best-case scenario, you still want to be friends with me after knowing the full story" I said with a chuckle.
"That day, I will also tell you everything. I will read the story of my life out loud to you. It seems like we both choose to put our lives on pause whenever we are with each other. The only thing that matters is that we enjoy being with each other and I really like that about us" Ni-ki responded.
I noticed Ni-ki has slowly and naturally moved closer to me as our conversation has been going. All I can see and focus on is Ni-ki. The birds are singing, the wind is stroking our skin, and our hands are touching.
"I really like that about us as well" I said as I held his hand.
Ni-ki used his thumb to stroke my hand as he looked at me with a wide smile. We both are blushing and feeling shy, but neither of us is ashamed to show it. I really do have a second lead role in my life, someone who might also have me as their second lead role.
My life is constantly in chaos, but once I am with Ni-ki, everything is under control. Expect my feelings, they are still in chaos.