One of things Hayun liked about the company building was that there was a few chill out rooms. People often just hung out there, it didn't feel so suffocating in there like it did in the practice rooms, just to take a break.
That's where Hayun headed before practice the next day, slightly annoyed because she forgot to charge her phone last night. She had some time to kill before practices began anyway.
Honestly, Hayun felt like she was in a daze ever since she woke up. There was no way to describe the exhaustion she felt on every single level. She didn't have the energy to go and hang out with her members before practice, she knew they were in the practice room because they messaged her about it.
Honestly, Hayun was stuck. She felt stuck in this rut of being frustrated at herself and too tired to do anything about it. It was like the more she tried, the more she failed.
She sighed, sitting on the plush sofa and leaning her arm on the arm rest, head coming to rest in her hand.
Looking down at her lap, her fingers toyed with the loose thread of her sweatpants with a distant mind.
Lately she wondered if this was all wrong, if she was making the wrong decision. Maybe she wasn't actually cut out to be an idol, she was just getting worse.
She didn't think her dancing was that bad to begin with, but now what has happened? It didn't make sense, how could she get worse?
With a heavy heart, Hayun sat there with a frown pulling on her lips. It was still the morning so she didn't expect anyone to come in. The door opened and someone familiar had entered.
"Oh- hi." Renjun greeted once he realised who it was, smiling briefly.
"Hi." She replied, forcing out a smile.
Renjun was heading towards the water dispenser with his bottle in hand, unscrewing the lid as he approached it.
He glanced over at Hayun in the corner of his eye, wondering why the radiant girl had turned so glum.
For a moment he could see himself in her, back in his own trainee days where he would escape and sit alone. Often he'd cry.
Hesitant, Renjun slowly screwed the lid back on and contemplated if he should say anything. They weren't close and Renjun hadn't had any long conversations with her before, just a hello when passing.
As he was walking with the intention to leave, he did stop and turn to face her. She looked up upon realisation he was turned to her.
He noticed how sad her eyes looked even though her expression didn't necessarily show it.
"Want to talk about it?" Is what he said instead of asking if she was okay, he hated when people asked him that.
Hayun knew he must've seen through her effort to look okay, letting out a small sigh and shrugged.
"What happened?" He asked, coming to sit next to her. She was hesitant to say anything, unsure of what to even say.
"Just...I don't know." She mumbled, shaking her head.
She didn't know how it came to this, she used to love practicing but ever since Everlast, things seemed to be going downhill.
There was a small silence and Hayun didn't seem to want to talk about what was bothering her, he understood that.
"That's okay...if you ever need someone to talk to then you know where I am." He smiled, reminding her their practice rooms were opposite each other.
"Thank you Renjun." Hayun smiled appreciatively, feeling bad that he caught her in a mood.
He had a pretty smile which he flashed her as he left, wishing her luck for her practices.
Hayun wondered if it was just her who struggled this much with practices, everything just seemed ten times worse because she was trying to keep up with an existing group.
Maybe she really didn't fit in after all.
She was left wishing she was better, being compared to the girls constantly was draining and the passion she had began to deteriorate.
Hayun was still tired and when she glanced at the time, she decided that getting a coffee might wake her up a little more. She couldn't practice in such a sluggish state.
The cafe wasn't that busy surprisingly, joining the queue behind someone. Her eyes drifted to the pastries and desserts.
Jisung was already in the cafe and he noticed she walked in, he was surprised that he kept seeing her a lot.
He was sat with a chocolate milkshake, waiting on Chenle who was to meet him here. Jisung watched Hayun out of curiosity, she lightly swayed while waiting for her turn to order.
She kept staring at the variety of cookies and cakes up until it was her turn, she ended up getting a coffee and nothing else. Jisung wondered why she didn't get that cookie she had been eyeing.
She glanced at the clock on the wall and visibly sighed, shoulders slumping a little. Hayun looked dejected and distracted all at once.
He feared that she would look up and see him and then come to join him sitting down. It wasn't that Jisung was rude it's just he has no idea what to say, even if he wanted to just have conversation with people, he couldn't bring himself to.
He worried that if he took the leap to converse with someone that they would perceive him as boring and stupid and that he wasn't worth talking to. He thought too much about what others think of him.
Hayun had no problem talking to people, she made it seem easy. Without much thought, she would speak to anyone.
Jisung's pulse jolted in surprise the moment their eyes met, she had looked up only to see Jisung was sat there.
He looked away as he always did, wondering if she would greet him as she usually did.
Hayun began to walk forward, stopping by the door of the cafe to grab some tissues. She took a second to glance at Jisung again, he too looked at that moment.
She broke the eye contact first this time, turning around with her drink in hand and leaving.
♮
Over the few days Jisung hadn't actually encountered Hayun at all, he had seen her once or twice walking but she hadn't come up to him at all.
Hayun continuously kept losing her motivation and energy the more the practices kept up. At first it was her dance moves getting criticised, then her strength, then her body, then her face.
There was so much to say about her and now they had been pointed out, Hayun couldn't stop analysing herself in a way she had never done.
She was walking up the stairs to the practice room when she heard loud hearty laughing. A few of the Dream boys were also heading towards practice. They all looked very close to each other, like family.
Hayun wondered if she would ever be this way with Everlast.
As she was walking towards her practice room, she failed to notice the boy who had just turned into the hallway. He noticed her, she stopped outside the door.
With her hand on the door handle, she tilted her head down for a second as if she didn't want to go inside.
Then, she straightened up a little with a deep breath to ready herself and look more energetic. When she opened the practice room door, she put a smile on her face and he could hear her greeting the others as she disappeared through the doorway.
Jisung hadn't really thought much about Everlast but he did wonder what it was like joining a group which was already established.
He thought about the times he talked to Renjun and Chenle about their experiences, it could be possible Hayun felt the same.
For the first time, he had seen Hayun correct herself to look more happier and her smile seemed genuine but from his perspective, he knew it wasn't.
Why was she pretending? Was she okay?
Being a trainee was never easy and Jisung knew not everyone had the same experiences but he didn't know Hayun enough to assume.
That evening he stayed behind to dance more, learning new covers and memorising the moves of others on the screen.
As he was leaving he could hear the music from the room opposite him, he wondered if the group was still practicing but that would be crazy because it was too late.
Jisung noticed someone coming around the corner, it was the cleaning lady who came late and tidied the practice rooms.
He greeted her respectfully and she did too, she had been working here since he was a trainee so they had encountered each other a lot.
She must've heard the music from the other practice room, her smile fading.
"Poor girl...she's always here by herself late at night." The woman frowned, looking in the direction of the practice room.
"Who?" He asked, curious as to why one of them were constantly staying late alone.
"The newest member, she's here everyday dancing to the same song. She works too hard, she'll hurt herself." She worried like a mother would, feeling bad for the girl.
Jisung wondered why she was alone and not with one of her members or something, surely they'd practice together enough so she wouldn't have to do it alone every night too.
"Goodnight, take care okay?" The lady said, smiling and waving him off to get home carefully. Jisung nodded, bidding her goodbye and glancing at the room once more before he left.
♮
The next time Jisung saw Hayun was the next day, she was here pretty early actually considering she left later than he did last night.
She entered the cafeteria with her headphones on, yawning and rubbing at her shoulder with discomfort on her face.
Hayun skipped out on all the breakfast food offered, grabbing a bottle of water and a small breakfast bar instead.
Is that all she's eating for breakfast?
Now that Jisung thought about it, when she came over to him in the cafeteria she never had food with her. She just sat there and talked then left without eating.
Hayun scanned the tables, there were a lot of empty ones because it was the morning and her eyes again found Jisung's. He was sat in the exact place as he always did.
Usually, she would go up to him but lately she had been feeling too sad and tired to even entertain any type of conversation other than practices.
He watched as she glanced away from him, her eyes finding an empty small table nearby her. Putting her bag down, she slid into one of the seats instead of approaching him.
Hayun folded her arms, resting her cheek on them with her eyes closed. She listened to her music but seemed to get lost away in her thoughts instead.
The quiet cafeteria with just a few people made everything seem so melancholy, in that moment Jisung wondered again if she was okay.
His thoughts were interrupted by Chenle and Jeno entering the cafeteria and headed towards Jisung. Jeno was yawning, too tired to function and Chenle was just as tired too.
The boys came to join Jisung, sitting with him. They must be waiting for the others because not too long after the rest joined them too.
The cafeteria became filled with laughter and nonsensical chatter, the boys practically gasping for breaths while laughing.
From the position Hayun was in, her hair and arms were covering most of her face and somehow through her exhaustion, she fell asleep like that.
She swore it was only for a few moments but the feeling of someone nudging her shoulder and calling her name made her waken.
"Hayun," it was Akari, looking pretty frantic. "We've been looking for you, practice has already started and Hwan is angry."
Great
Hayun pulled her headphones off her neck and covered her face with her hands as she yawned and tried to gain the courage not to just quit everything right there.
"How angry?" Hayun asked, looking up at Akari who grimaced sympathetically. Sighing, Hayun got up to her feet and grabbed her bag to follow the other girl out.
Jisung's eyes fell to the untouched bottle of water and breakfast bar left on the table.
♮
Soon enough Hayun was being criticised and singled out, it was now a few hours into their practices. The tension in the room was thick and everyone was on edge, even Jinae.
Hwan gritted his teeth, not even bothering to stop the music this time because he strode forward and his firm grip clasped over Hayun's wrist.
He dragged her outside and slammed the door shut behind them once they were out in the hallway.
"Are you stupid!" He shouted out, the volume of his words making her flinch. It was much louder out here because there wasn't music to diffuse his volume.
"Why do you keep messing up? Every single time. Every time you can't keep up! What is wrong with you? Huh? You must think this is a fucking joke!"
Hayun noticed the door opposite had began to open and she prayed no one would come out.
Of course they did and of course it was the one person she had prayed it wasn't.
Jisung actually just needed the bathroom midway through their own practice but he did not expect to be met with a middle aged man screaming down at the girl.
"You're pathetic! A waste of space in this group, you have no talents so what are you good for? You don't even deserve to debut like this, you won't even get to the first stage without failing and then that will be in front of thousands of people! You should be fucking embarrassed that you're the one lacking in such a good group, seriously you're pulling them all down like this-"
Hwan paused, his angry glare moving to Jisung who looked shocked but Hwan waved him off to continue on.
He did hesitate, looking at Hayun who wasn't looking back. Ultimately, he carried on with the same shock and when he turned the corner, the shouting resumed.
He should've said something but Jisung had never been someone to intervene with anything. He felt cowardly but it wasn't that rare to see this in the trainee hallways, he just had never heard anything like this with groups about to debut.
He felt sympathy for Hayun, he felt bad he really did. Was this the reason for her seeming to be sad?
After he was done, he was still wondering what he should do. He should tell someone right? What about her members, did they get shouted at too?
Seola never mentioned it, so did that mean it was just Hayun? Then why did Seola say everything was going okay?
He wondered if Hayun thought he was cowardly and rude to just keep walking too, he should've stopped shouldn't he?
When he started to walk back towards his practice room, he didn't hear anything so he assumed they had gone back inside.
Upon turning the corner into the hallway, he paused once he saw her. She was still there but she was alone.
Hayun was sat on the floor leant against the wall outside her practice room, like a dark cloud of sadness loomed over her.
Jisung bit the inside of his cheek anxiously and toyed with the ring on his finger contemplatively. He wasn't usually the one in his group to be consoling to others but right now, it didn't look like she had anyone else.
What if she got angry at him? Maybe she wanted to be left alone.
He started to walk, getting closer and closer until he stopped near her. He could've just kept walking into his practice room but he looked down at Hayun.
She had her head tilted down with her hair falling over her face, he couldn't see her expression but he guessed she was pretty upset.
"A-are you okay?" He stumbled over his words, they came out awkwardly which he mentally cursed at himself for.
His voice was what caused her to look up, he noticed she wasn't crying but she did look sad. She looked into his eyes, he looked concerned for the girl sat alone on the ground.
She didn't reply straight away, Hayun wondered if she should just lie and say yes or he truthful.
In fact she never replied to his question, her eyes drifting away from him to lean her head back against the wall.
"Is it always this hard?" Is what she asked.
In all the moments that Hayun had spoken to him, she was always pretty confident and happy but right now, she looked the opposite.
Her serious question was followed by an empty chuckle, shaking her head.
"Maybe it's only me who finds it hard."
"You're not...you're not the only one." Jisung replied, feeling frustrated at himself because he couldn't quite find the right words to respond. "Um...it isn't always hard, it's..."
Jisung was flustered, in these situations he really didn't know what to do. He wasn't good at this, he wasn't like Jaemin who could console someone the best way nor was he like Haechan that could ease the mood.
Hayun was staring ahead of her, biting down on her bottom lip with a great contemplation playing in her head.
Remembering he was still stood there awkwardly, she looked back at him.
"It's fine, you can go back in." She told him as she got up to her feet, giving a small smile- one that she could barely muster up.
Hayun turned with the intention of leaving the building and just going home without telling anyone, she had enough of this all right now.
"Uh- wait, wait!" He called out a little desperately.
Hayun stopped to turn around, wondering what was so urgent that he called out to her like that for the first time.
He was still stiff as he stood in front of her, moving his hand from behind his back to outstretch between them.
He had a grimace on his face, unsure of her reaction or if this would even help at all. He didn't know, really he didn't. He just felt bad.
Hayun looked down at his open palm which had the packaged chocolate cupcake in.
Surprised, she looked up at him. He was still avoiding eye contact, feeling awkward with his own actions but he hoped it would somehow make her feeling at least a little better.
"You got a cupcake for me?" She asked, reaching out to take it from him. Despite the times when she gave him the cupcakes, this one felt more touching to her. Maybe it was because she was already emotional.
"Uh, yes...you've always let me have them. And...your instructor. I'm sorry, he wasn't nice to you at all...um this was the last one." He motioned to the cupcake, taking a step back.
Still unsure of her reaction, he wondered if he should leave now or wait for her to say something.
He also hoped that she didn't actually like him because this situation would be worse if she misinterpreted the cupcake for anything other than an attempt of comfort.
Hayun looked up at him again, this time with a sincere soft smile.
"Thank you Jisung." She said, touched by the fact after he heard the shouting and went to get her a cupcake.
"Yeah, i-its okay..." he turned around with the intention to enter the practice room. It was as if he wanted to escape the situation as fast as possible.
He wondered if she would leave so before he entered he glanced over but she was just looking at him.
"Does it get easier?" Is what she asked, seeking for reassurance.
Jisung's features faltered, the stiffness in his shoulders fading and for a second he could remember himself as a trainee wondering the same.
With the first smile he had given her, he nodded.
"It does."
His smile was only a small one, one of reassurance but still it meant a lot to hear his words of sincerity.
"Okay." She replied softly, nodding. "...oh thanks again for this." Hayun referred to the cupcake, taking a few steps backward but as he entered the practice room, she turned around and the two parted ways there.
I'll put my trust in you, I hope it does get better
😨😨 he spoke to her